Jayne's History
Well the last page finished off with me talking about Debbie, so I suppose that a good place to start this will be to pick up from there.
As Debbie and I got closer to each other, we started talking about marriage and having a family, and I knew that I had met the person that I was destined to spend my life with. I also felt that I could not achieve my own personal goals in life (I did know about having a sex change, but my memories of the psychiatric hospital caused me to think that this was unachievable for me), and I had strong feelings for Debbie that we got engaged in May '85, and then married in October of the same year. I also started working (my first job after completing Technical College) as a computer operator for a Western Australian Government department two weeks before my wedding, so I thought that I could live the "normal male life", but as the stresses of living together affected us both, and also the stresses of working made me continue to question my inner self, and even thought I felt I was able to successfully suppress my personal feeling on the surface of my life, I could not suppress the feeling to my inner self, and so with an income I started buying female clothing and went through many cycles of crossdressing and purging (and I think of the value of clothing that I just threw away over the years). I was able to keep this secret from Debbie for the first 3 years of marriage to Debbie, and in the meantime, we had started our family with the birth of Brendon in May '86, Daniel in June '87 and finally Rachael in September '88.
While Debbie was pregnant with Rachael, she found a bag of clothing hidden in the car (as she did not have her license I thought the car would be a safe hiding place). The first I knew of this was when Debbie stormed from the car into our bedroom, and locked herself in. At first I did not know what was going on, and eventually Debbie told me that she had found some clothes in the car and asked why I did not want her anymore. This left me more confused, until it dawned on me that she was actually accusing me of having an affair, and the clothes must belong to "the other woman". After much deliberation, I told Debbie that the clothes were mine, and I asked her if she remembered what I had told her about when I was 10, and I was in the psychiatric hospital. I then told her that the problem was still with me, and that I was into crossdressing, but that was all - not that I would ever want to become a woman (I felt that if I could lie about that successfully to myself, then I could lie about it to everyone, and to some extent this was true at the time). Deb accepted this to some extent, and we went about our lives with an uneasy truce for a while, and I was then able to crossdress at home, but only when everyone else was in bed, and only if I was sure that Debbie would not see me, as this was a condition that we agreed upon. Eventually Debbie agreed to seeing me crossdressed one evening, but upon seeing me, rushed to our room and locked herself in.
Eventually I got in contact with the local support group for crossdressers (the Chameleons) and so I started attending their meetings, but because I was not willing to admit my inner feelings to myself, let alone other, I didn't really fit in with the others at the group. Also, there were a few transsexual members of the support group, and even thought I desperately wanted to talk to them, I still did not want to admit to myself that this was the way that I really felt about myself, so I kept my distance, and eventually stopped attending the group in the fear that I would have to admit to myself that I was transsexual - an admission that I was not ready for at the time.
So I kept living with my inner turmoil, and the suppression of my personal feelings in the hope that I could be "normal", but this also resulted in me keeping my distance from forming close friendships.
My career also blossomed, with my finding that I was achieving promotions and recognition of the hard work and long hours that I was putting in. But this also meant that I was missing a lot of time watching my children growing up, and of the time that I was with them I was constantly tired and grumpy, and I also despised Debbie as I knew that I could never be a mother - thought I tried for my jealousy not to show to her. (My daughter has recently commented that she prefers me now than before I started to transition).
During this time, I still read whatever I could find (with out it being too obvious, that is) on transsexualism and on other transsexuals. In 1990, I read an article in the Women's Weekly magazine about one lady, and after I had finished reading the article, Debbie asked me if that was the way the lady in the article felt about herself prior to her transition was the way that I felt about myself, and this time I had decided that I could not hide anything from either myself or Debbie, so I said yes. This was somewhat of a watershed for myself, and a shock for Debbie, as I think that she was expecting me to say no. Debbie, not knowing what to think or do, and needing to talk to someone, spoke to her auntie (who was a counsellor for a Christian organisation), and then left. In my confusion and emotional turmoil I decided that I needed to talk to someone, and was it was recommended that I talk to a different counsellor with the same organisation.
Well, what neither Debbie nor I knew at the time was that the Deb's aunt and the counsellor that I was seeing had decided that it would be best if Debbie and I remained separated for good, so they both proceeded to tell us lies based on what we had supposedly told our respective counsellors. I won't go into the nitty gritty but after this went on for a few weeks, Debbie and I finally talked to each other (without anyone else passing on messages or being their to interfere in the conversation) and it was then that we realised what had been going on with the two counsellors. We also laid down the foundation to continue communicating with each other (something we had done most of the time). I knew then that I was not ready to face up to being transsexual, and I promised to Debbie that I could live without crossdressing, and at the time I really meant the promises that I made, so I donated all the clothes that I had to charity, and set about resuming a relationship with Deb. After three months separation, Debbie and I resumed living together, and life was sweet (or at least it was for awhile).
During this time, I started to see a psychiatrist, who put my feelings and my crossdressing down to being jealous of my sisters, and also as a stress handling mechanism, and therefore if he taught me other stress handling techniques I would not need to crossdress anymore.
After about six months of suppressing my feelings, I started crossdressing again, and though I knew that eventually I would probably have to go further than crossdressing when I got the chance, I thought that for as long as possible I would not have to do anything about it - that is ignore it long enough and it will go away.
About six months after this, I went back to a couple of Chameleon meetings. Debbie also came to accept that I would not stop crossdressing, and occasionally saw me crossdressed in the evenings. Debbie also made some clothes for me (Deb had learnt to sew at a young age and is extremely good at making clothes). This went on for a couple of years and everything went well with life. We also bought a house, but during this time I started to become more and more depressed within myself. I started seriously considering what I really felt with my life, and knowing that I had an unobtainable goal I started to see consider whether suicide was a real option (I thought of many ways that I could make it look like an accident, but I could never actually try any). The main result of this was that most people did not notice any difference in me (as I projected a happy image to the world) but Debbie saw me become more and more withdrawn from everything. The communications between us started to become more difficult as I became more depressed, and at the rate we were going we started to hate each other.
We also started to talk about separation, and in October 1996 Debbie asked me if I wanted to be on hormones, and to live my life as a woman. When I answered that I did, we agreed that we would wait until after Christmas and then separate in the New Year. During this I also has a last ditch effort in "proving my masculinity" and started fooling around with a close friend of ours. Though sexual intercourse did not take place between us, Debbie found us together and this put a further strain on our relationship, but we still projected a happy couple image to our families and friends. I also started to attend Chameleons on a regular basis, and formed friendships with three other members around my age that I could relate to. This was about the first time that I made friendships with other members. I also started talking to transsexual members of the group, and discovered that we all had very familiar stories to tell, and for the first time I felt a sense of belonging.
Just after New Years Debbie and I told our three children that we were going to be separating, and told them that shortly afterwards I would be going to a doctor in order to find out what I needed to do in order to have a sex change. We explained to them that this was a decision that I had been trying to make over many years and that I had been aware since that my body was wrong for as long as I can remember. We also took the time to explain that our separation in no means meant that either of us loved them any less, and that we would both be there for them whenever they needed us. The children also had the opportunity to ask any questions that they had, to which they got honest answers. I also told the kids that if they had any questions later, they should ask them - as I felt it important that they knew I had nothing to hide in my life.
--TO BE CONTINUED--