Not Easy - Part 1

 


 

“What time is it?” Justin asked, rolling on his side, and looked at his lover.

 

“Almost two,” Brian replied.

 

Justin sighed, then leaned in and kissed Brian.  “I should go,” he said when he pulled away.

 

“Right.”  Brian tried his best to hide the disappointment in his voice.

 

Justin got off the bed and started getting dressed.  “Hey, do you have plans for the next weekend?” he asked.

 

“The weekend is five days away.  You expect me to know what I’m doing five days from now?”

 

“Well, there’s this student show in Philadelphia next weekend that I have to go to.”

 

“Oh, yeah?” Brian said, trying to sound nonchalant.

 

Justin dropped back on the bed next to his lover.

 

“You could come with me.  I mean, I might get bored there,” Justin joked.

 

“I’m sure you can find somebody else to keep you company,” Brian said, harshly as he got up and left the bedroom.

 

A few minutes later Justin, now fully dressed, made his way over to the computer desk where Brian was now sitting.  Justin stood right in front of him, waiting for Brian to acknowledge his presence.  Finally Brian looked up.

 

“How long are you gonna keep punishing me?” Justin asked.

 

“I’m not punishing you,” Brian said, looking down at the computer monitor.

 

“Yes.  You are.”

 

Brian sighed, annoyed, and looked back up at Justin.  He did not want to have this conversation right now.

 

“Every time we get a little bit closer you push me away.  You shut me out.  You don’t trust me.  We take one step forward and fifty fucking steps back!” Justin shouted. 

 

Brian clenched his jaw, but still didn’t say anything.

 

“I’ve apologized a hundred times.  And I could apologize a hundred more and it still wouldn’t be enough, would it?  I would say sorry every day for the rest of my life if I thought it would make a difference.” Justin was getting frustrated.  He knew he fucked up.  Hell, everybody knew he fucked up.  But it’s been over a year since he and Ethan broke up.  And almost seven months since he and Brian got back together.  He tried his best to make it up to Brian, but it was never enough.  “But it won’t.  And I can’t do it, Brian.  I can’t feel guilty like this all the time.” 

 

“What the fuck do you want me to do?  Forget?”  Brian snapped.

 

“No.  Forgive,” Justin pleaded with him.  “Because if you don’t let it go, we don’t stand a chance.”

 

Brian stared at him, then looked away without saying anything.

 

Justin nodded, knowing that this conversation was over.  “Well, when you figure out what you want, would you please let me know.”  With that Justin picked up his jacket and walked out of the loft.

 

Brian flinched at the loud sound of the door closing.  He knew Justin was right.  He was being unfair to him.  He was punishing Justin.  For hurting him.  For leaving him.  But every time they got to a place where both of them were happy, the fear of losing it all returned with a vengeance.  He loved Justin.  There was no question about that now.  But he was scared shitless of feeling what he felt during the months they were apart again.

 

~~

 

Two days later they were still barely speaking to each other.  Both hurt.  Both angry.  Both confused about what to do.  Justin watched Brian drinking coffee and talking to the guys.  Brian looked back at him and for a moment they just stared at each other.  Then Justin looked away, pretending to be wiping the counter.

 

“Ok, what’s going on?” Deb asked.

 

He turned around.  “Nothing.” 

 

“Stop bullshitting me, Sunshine.  I’m not blind.  You’ve barely said two words to each other in the last couple of days.  Just keep looking at each other like two lost puppies.”

 

Justin met Brian’s eyes again, then looked back at Debbie and sighed.  There was no hiding from her.  He should have learned that by now. 

 

“I just…I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me…for Ethan.”

 

“Oh, honey.  He will.”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

“He loves you.”

 

“He’s angry at me.”

 

“Ok, true.  But…”

 

“Just…drop it, Deb, ok?” 

 

Justin threw one more glance at the booth and then went into the employee’s room in the back.

 

~~

 

The moment he asked the trick to go to the loft he knew he made a mistake.  He did not want this stranger in his home, in his bed, not tonight.  All he wanted to was go home and call Justin or drive over to Justin’s dorm and tell him that he forgave him.  Tell him that it was all behind them now.  That it didn’t matter.  But they both knew that it still did.  Besides Brian Kinney did not back out of potential fucks.  So, he and his fuck of the night made their way up in the elevator and into the loft.

 

Surprisingly enough the trick wasn’t half bad.  He was in the process of giving Brian a blowjob when the phone rang.  On the third ring Brian finally picked up.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Brian?”  It was Michael.

 

“I’m kinda busy right now, Mikey.” 

 

He started to hang up when he heard Michael say, “Brian wait, don’t hang up.  Something happened.”

 

The tone of his voice told Brian that it was serious. 

 

“What?”

 

“There was an accident.”

 

Brian pushed the trick away and sat up.

 

“What kind of accident?”

 

“With Jennifer.”

 

His thoughts were immediately on Justin.  “Is Justin?..” he couldn’t finish, his heart beating like crazy. 

 

“He’s fine.  He’s here.  We all are.  But I think that he needs…” Brian heard Michael sigh, “It doesn’t look good.”

 

Brian closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair, “I’ll be right there.”

 

He hung up the phone, stood up, and pulled his jeans on.

 

“Going somewhere?”

 

Brian turned around, startled.  He actually forgot that the trick was in his bed. 

 

“You gotta go,” he said.

 

“I thought we had plans.”  The other guy’s hand moved to Brian’s zipper.

 

“I.  Said.  Get.  Out.” 

 

Brian pushed him away and finished getting dressed.

 

~~

 

Brian made his way to the emergency room waiting area.  Everybody else was already there.  Lindsay, Melanie, Ted, and Emmett were sitting in the corner together.  Molly was asleep, her head on Debbie’s lap.  Vic, Michael, and Ben were sitting next to them.  Brian looked around, then at Michael.  Michael just looked towards the exit on the other side of the room, realizing who Brian was looking for. 

 

Brian walked through the waiting room and into the hall.  Justin’s back was turned to him.  Brian stopped and looked at him.  Just then Justin turned around.  Their eyes met and Brian hated what he saw in Justin’s eyes.  Pain and fear of losing someone you love.  He knew that feeling so well.  Slowly he walked towards his lover.  Justin was trying very hard to fight the tears that were threatening to come out at any moment.  Brian cupped his face with his right hand, caressing his check, then pulled him in close, embracing him.  All the other bullshit didn’t matter now.  The guilt, the anger, the hurt.  None of it mattered.  Justin needed him right now.  And Brian would be there for him no matter what. 

 

They stood like that for what seemed like forever, arms around each other in the middle of an empty hall, getting the strength from each other to deal with whatever was coming.  Justin opened his eyes.  He felt his heart beating faster as he pulled away from Brian.  Brian followed Justin’s gaze.  Turning around he saw a doctor walking towards them.  He instinctively reached for Justin’s hand.

 

The moment the doctor started talking, Brian knew.  They both did.  Brian lowered his head, closing his eyes.  Then he looked at Justin, who just stared at the same spot in front of him.  Even after the doctor left Justin didn’t move.  Finally, Justin took a deep breath in and looked through the window into the waiting room.  Brian felt Justin’s fingers slip out of his hand as Justin walked away from him and through the doorway. 

 

Brian watched as Justin walked over to where Molly was sleeping and gently stroked her shoulder, calling her name.  When Molly opened her eyes Justin had her sit up.  Brian couldn’t hear what Justin was saying, but he saw Debbie cover her mouth with her hand, trying to stop a cry from coming out. 

 

“No,” he heard Molly say loud.  “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!”  She tried to get out of Justin’s arms, but he wouldn’t let her.  He held her close, stroking her hair, trying to calm her down, to comfort her. 

 

Brian saw Michael shake his head as Ben put his arm around his shoulder.  He saw Emmett start to cry, Ted look away, Lindsay and Melanie embrace. 

 

But none of them said anything.  None of them moved as they watched the two kids whose lives just changed forever.

 

 

Go to Part 2

 

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