Lost and Found - Part 4
Pittsburgh, July 2004
Brian undressed and walked into the bathroom. Fuck, he couldn’t even take a shower without memories flooding his head. He loved taking morning showers with Justin. It wasn’t just sexual, it was completely intimate…something that was only between the two of them. He saw Justin smile at him, hearing him laughing.
~~~
Pittsburgh, May 2004
“Stop staring at me and get in here,” Justin laughed as he held out his hand to Brian.
Brian stepped into the shower, closing his eyes, letting the warm water wash down his body. He felt Justin’s hands running down his back. He turned only to see Justin’s bright smile directed at him.
“You know, that smile’s not helping in the we’re-not-having-sex-because-you-have-to-go-pick-up-your-mother department,” Brian said, causing Justin’s smile to widen.
“One missed morning fuck won’t kill us,” Justin said.
“Speak for yourself.”
Brian’s lips found Justin’s in passionate kiss.
Just then the phone rang. Brian pulled away, looking puzzled.
“You brought the phone in here?” he asked as Justin jumped out of the shower and picked up the phone.
“Yeah, in case my mom called from the airport,” he explained.
“Hello,” he answered the phone finally. “Oh, hi,” his expression changed. He looked up at Brian, who was busy with soaping himself.
Justin grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist, and went into the bedroom.
A few minutes later, Brian emerged, completely naked, out of the bathroom to see Justin sitting on the bed, phone next to him, completely lost in thought. He nearly jumped when he felt Brian’s hand on his shoulder.
“Who was that?” Brian asked.
“Oh…uh…a friend…from school,” Justin lied, getting up and busying himself with getting dressed.
Brian watched his lover, noticing that his mood was completely different now.
“Something wrong?” he asked.
“No,” Justin replied, without even looking up.
Brian walked up to him and kissed him.
Justin pulled away. “I’m gonna be late. My mom’s flight gets here in 25 minutes.”
He went into the living room, leaving a concerned Brian.
~~~
“Honey, could you hand me that bag, please?” Jennifer pointed to the bag next to Justin. He stood up and brought the bag over to her.
“So, how was it?” he asked.
“Oh, absolutely wonderful. I wish you could have gone with us.”
“Sorry, but I’m not in middle school like some people,” he looked over at Molly, who stuck her tongue out at him, “Taking off a week from school wouldn’t be a good idea. Especially the week of the finals.”
“Speaking of which, how did you do?” his mother asked.
“I’ve only gotten two grades back so far.”
“And?”
He just smiled at her.
“As if I even had to ask,” she smiled back.
“Oh, here they are,” she took out two sombreros out of the bag. “Molly insisted we get these,” she handed it to Justin.
“One for you and one for Brian,” Molly added.
Justin’s gaze moved from his sister to his mother, “Really?”
She returned his smile.
He walked over to his mother and hugged her, “Thank you.”
Then he sat back down on the couch.
“Sweetheart, is something wrong?” she asked her son.
“No,” he lied. “Why?”
She shrugged, “I don’t know. You look upset, preoccupied.”
He shook his head, “No. I’m fine.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
~~~
It was late, but he couldn’t sleep. Usually it was him who fell asleep right after they had sex with Brian tossing and turning. Not tonight.
He spent the whole night trying to convince Brian and everybody else that everything was great. That he was happy and carefree, despite of the turmoil going on inside of him…trying to make a decision that would affect the rest of his life.
Now he didn’t have to pretend anymore as he watched Brian sleep. He looked so peaceful, serene. His hand moved to Brian’s face…his fingers tracing the features of his face…his eyebrows, his nose…gently, barely touching. Brian’s eyes fluttered open.
They stayed like that…hazel eyes staring into blue ones.
“You are so beautiful,” Justin whispered, his fingers tracing Brian’s lips.
Brian took Justin’s hand into his own.
He could tell that Justin was upset all night. In fact, he could tell that something’s been wrong for a while now. Ever since they got back from New York three months ago. He had to give him credit; Justin put on a good performance. But Brian knew better.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” he pleaded.
Justin moved, placing his lips on top of Brian’s.
Brian took Justin’s face into his hands and pulled him away so that he could see his eyes,
“Tell me,” he repeated, but Justin didn’t reply. He leaned in for another kiss, hoping Brian would let it go. And Brian did. He gave in and put his arms around Justin.
~~~
“I’m gonna wear this while I fuck you,” Brian said, still amused at the present Jennifer got them on her trip.
Justin laughed.
“I don’t think my mother had that in mind when she picked those out for us.”
“Well, somebody should enlighten the poor woman,” Brian said, wrapping his arms around Justin’s waist.
Justin removed the sombrero from Brian’s head and tossed on the floor.
“I’d like my mother to have as little information about my sex life as possible,” he said, then pulled Brian in for a kiss.
They pulled away breathless. “We should get going. The guys are waiting,” Justin said.
“You’re right. Go change,” Brian reluctantly let him go.
While Justin headed to the bedroom to change, Brian checked the messages.
“Justin, this is Natalie. I was just calling to let you know that I found three schools here that have similar programs to Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts. I’m overnighting it to you, so you can take a look and decide. Give me a call if you have any questions.”
Brian’s heart was pounding as he turned around to see Justin standing on the bedroom steps, looking at him.
“You wanna tell me what the fuck she’s talking about?” Brian finally said.
Justin looked away, not knowing what to say.
“Justin,” Brian insisted.
“Kevin wants me to move to New York,” Justin said.
“Since when?”
Justin looked down, “Since February.”
He knew it. He knew that something was wrong that night. His gut was telling him that Justin was hiding something, but he didn’t want to believe it. Didn’t want to press the issue. Was too afraid to press the issue.
“And when were you gonna tell me? When the moving truck was here?”
“No. I was just…”
“You were just what?!
“I was just trying to figure out what to do,” Justin said.
“Or you were just living here until you were done with school?!” Brian was furious.
“What? NO!”
“Then WHAT?!”
“Why are you getting like this? I’m trying to explain to you,” Justin shouted.
“Explain to me what? Why you lied to me all this time?!”
“I just needed time to think about it. To decide what to do.”
“Well, you obviously made your decision,” Brian said, angrily, walking out of the loft.
~~~
“I don’t think I’ve seen you getting this hammered since junior year,” Tyler said, taking a seat next to Brian.
Brian looked at him, then away.
“When you didn’t get that internship in LA,” Tyler finished.
“Yeah, well, you should have been here when I nearly got Justin killed,” Brian said, downing another shot. “It was quite a party.”
“What’s wrong?” Tyler asked, seriously.
“What makes you think something’s wrong?”
Tyler pointed to the glass in Brian’s hand.
Brian sighed, “Justin’s moving to New York.”
“What, just out of the blue?”
“Apparently, he’s been thinking about it since February,” Brian laughed, “I’m always the last one to find out what’s going on in my life.”
“I’m sorry,” Tyler said, sincerely.
Brian was about to order another drink, when Tyler said, “I think you’ve had enough.”
“There’s no such thing…”
“As enough? In this case there is. Come on, I’ll take you home.”
“No.”
“Brian.”
“No. He’s probably packing up his shit as we speak.”
“Where you wanna go?”
“Anywhere but home.”
~~~
“He has every right to be angry,” Andrew said, trying to be the voice of reason.
“You don’t think I know that?” Justin snapped at him. “Sorry.”
“It’s ok,” Andrew sat next to him on the couch.
“Shit, I fucked everything up,” Justin leaned back, covering his eyes with the palms of his hands.
~~~
“Do you have anything stronger than water?” Brian asked.
“I don’t think you need any more,” Tyler said, standing next to him.
“I don’t need another babysitter, Ty.”
“What do you need?”
~~~
Andrew put his arm on Justin’s shoulder, gently caressing it. Justin opened his eyes, meeting Andrew’s gaze. They stared at each other for the longest time, then Andrew leaned in.
~~~
Brian and Tyler’s eyes were fixed on each other’s. Then Tyler, slowly, moved closer and leaned in for a kiss.
~~~
Just as their lips were about to touch, Justin pulled away. He quickly stood up and stepped away from the couch and Andrew as far as possible.
“I’m sorry,” Andrew said.
“No, no, I’m sorry.”
“Justin.”
“Fucking you would be so easy right now,” Justin said, honestly. “But it would fuck everything up.”
“Between you and Brian?”
“And between you and me,” Justin said, moving a little closer, “And I can’t do that. I want a friend right now. I NEED a friend right now.”
Andrew stood up and walked over to him, “You have one.”
Justin nodded. He sat back on the couch, looking even more miserable.
Andrew kneeled in front of him, “You wanna know what I think?”
“Do I have a choice?” Justin joked.
“I think that you know exactly what you want. You just want someone else to tell you that you’re making the right decision. And no one can do that, Justin. It’s something that you have to decide for yourself.”
Justin looked at him, letting what he just said sink in.
“Do you always have to be so fucking right?” he asked.
They both smiled.
“Comes with the job.”
“I should go,” Justin said. “See if I can still fix things.”
“You will.”
They both stood up and Justin gave Andrew a hug.
“Thank you,” he said, softly.
~~~
Brian opened his eyes and looked around, confused. He was on the wrong side of the bed and the whole room looked differently.
“Morning.”
He turned to see Tyler lying next to him and the events of the night before flooded his mind.
“What time is it?” Brian growled.
Tyler looked at the clock by his side, “Almost seven.”
“Shit,” Brian practically jumped out of the bed and started to get dressed.
“Hey, what’s the hurry?” Tyler smiled at him, putting his hand on top of Brian’s.
Brian pulled away, “I gotta go.”
“To Justin?”
Brian ignored the comment and finished getting dressed.
~~~
He took the stairs instead of the elevator, putting off what was inevitable. The feeling of guilt mixed with thoughts that Justin was packing to leave, or worse, already gone, weighed heavily on him.
Slowly, he opened the door. He looked around, expecting the place to look completely empty, Justin’s things gone. But there were no boxes and everything was in the same place it was the night before.
“Hey,” Justin’s voice came from the kitchen.
Brian turned to look at him. A part of him was relieved that Justin was here. The other part of him was drowning in guilt.
“Hey,” he responded, then closed the door behind him.
More than anything Justin wanted to ask where he was all night, but he couldn’t. Had no right. They both could do whatever they wanted. That’s what they agreed on. He watched Brian slowly taking his jacket off and throwing it on the couch.
“You want some coffee?” Justin asked instead.
Brian looked at him, trying to find his voice again, “Sure.”
Justin gave him a faint smile and then busied himself with pouring coffee as Brian sat on one of the stools at the kitchen counter, across from Justin.
Justin put the cup in front of him.
“Thanks,” Brian said.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, in silence…Brian sipping coffee, and Justin watching him.
“When are you leaving?” Brian asked.
“Leaving?” Justin asked confused.
“For New York.”
Justin smiled, “I’m not moving to New York, Brian.”
Now it was Brian’s turn to look confused.
“I told you. I was just trying to figure out if there was a way. But there isn’t.”
“Justin, I don’t want you to give up…”
“I’m not giving up anything,” Justin cut him off. “I can be an artist anywhere. Here, New York, Chicago, the Moon. If they don’t want me I’ll find somebody else who will. And if not, I can always do something else. I still have the comic book. I could even teach. Or get a job in publishing. Or…advertising,” he smiled at Brian.
Brian couldn’t help smiling back at him.
“Yeah, but this is what you wanted more than anything. Your dream,” Brian said, getting back to the problem at hand.
“That’s not my dream, Brian,” Justin said, his voice and facial expression telling Brian exactly what his dream is.
“Are you sure?” Brian asked, his voice cracking.
Instead of answering, Justin walked around the counter and took a seat next to him, “Tell me that you want me to go and I’ll go.”
“I…”
Before Brian could say anything else, Justin cut him off, “But don’t say it because you think that that’s what I should do or because you think that I deserve better. Tell me what you think. What you feel. Be honest. Do you want me leave?”
Brian considered for a moment lying to him, telling him to go, knowing full well that it would be the best thing for Justin, especially after what he did the night before. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t let him go. Not again.
“No.”
Justin smiled and leaned in.
“I missed you last night,” he whispered.
Unable to look Justin in the eyes, Brian pulled him in for a kiss.
~~~
Their bodies moved slowly, not wanting to rush it. Brian was on top of Justin. He pushed himself up, pulling his lips away from Justin’s and just stared at his beautiful lover. Not for the first time since he met Justin he wished that he had even half of Justin’s talent.
“I wish I could draw you,” he murmured.
Justin smiled, “You are.”
Brian lowered down, his tongue attacking Justin’s mouth.
~~~
“You know you should just get yourselves IVs. That way you won’t even have to stop in order to eat,” Debbie said as she encountered another one of Justin and Brian’s kissing sessions. Justin smiled at her shyly.
It was a Saturday and the diner was packed, so they had to sit at the counter.
“So, love birds, what will it be?” Debbie asked.
“The usual for me,” Brian said.
“Uh…can I get French toast,” Justin inquired.
“For you honey, anything,” she smiled at him and went off to place their order.
“French toast? It’s almost two,” Brian teased him.
“I skipped breakfast,” Justin shot back.
“You complaining?”
Justin smiled, remembering their morning activities, “Never.” He kissed Brian again.
Finally pulling away, Justin stood up. “I’ll be right back,” he said, heading to the bathroom.
Brian turned around as soon as Justin disappeared behind the corner and took another sip of his coffee.
“Hey,” Tyler said, taking the stool that was previously occupied by Justin.
Brian’s expression completely changed.
“Hey.”
“I think we need to talk.”
“About what?”
“You know damn well about what, Brian. Don’t play stupid.”
“What do you want me to say?” Brian asked, annoyance present in his voice.
“You had plenty to say last night when you were fucking me,” Tyler said, heatedly.
Brian was about to reply, when he heard a soft gasp behind him. He turned around to see Justin, staring at him…shock…hurt…astonishment…written on his face.
Justin backed away from him, looking as if somebody just knocked the wind out of him.
“Justin,” Brian called after him, but Justin just turned around and ran out of the diner.
Brian ran out after him, but it was as if the entire gay population of Pittsburgh was out on Liberty Avenue today. Brian searched the crowd, but Justin was gone.
“FUCK!!!”
~~~
Brian searched everywhere for him…all of his usually hang out places, the studio, the coffee shop near campus, Deb’s, Lindsay’s, Michael’s, Andrew’s, even Jennifer’s. Justin was nowhere to be found.
~~~
“You did what?!” Lindsay stared at him with a shocked expression.
“Why are you so surprised? It’s not like we haven’t danced around this issue through four years of college,” Tyler said.
“Yes, and there was a reason why nothing happened.”
“Yeah, Brian was being stubborn.”
“That’s not it and I you know it.”
“Lindsay…”
“I know he cares about you. But he loves Justin. They’ve built a relationship. They have a life together.”
“Not anymore,” he said.
“What? What do you mean?”
“Justin heard us talk about what happened and just ran out.”
“What?”
“Today in the diner.”
“Are you two fucking insane?!” she shouted in a very unlike-Lindsay way. “Poor Justin.”
“Maybe it’s for the best.”
“How can this be for the best?” she was getting angry with him.
“Justin can go to New York and Brian and I can try something different this time.”
She stared at him, trying to figure out whether he was actually serious.
“Let me ask you something.”
He looked at her expectantly.
“When Justin ran out the diner…what did Brian do?”
He looked at her, realizing what she was trying to say, “He went after him,” he practically mumbled, looking away.
“And who was going after you?” she added, making sure she made her point.
He looked back at her. They were on the same page.
“Why do I feel like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding?”
She smiled at him sympathetically.
“Because you are.”
~~~
Justin didn’t know what time it was. Didn’t really care. It was dark now, that’s all he knew. He stumbled across, the effect of alcohol wearing off.
When he reached his destination, he dropped to the ground.
“Hi, Daph,” he said, staring at the stone with Daphne’s name and dates of birth and death ingraved on it.
“I’ve been coming a lot here lately, huh? Don’t know why. It’s not like you can answer me.” He blinked the tears away. “You remember when were little we set by your pool and your mom read us all those stupid fairy tales? They were all bullshit. Happily ever after is bullshit. It doesn’t exist. It never did. Not for you. Not for me and Brian.” His lips quivered.
“I miss you, Daph,” he whispered, tears running down his face. “I wish I could talk to you.” But there was no answer.
“I’m so lost. I’m so fucking lost.”
Justin curled up in a fetal position, hugging himself, as he cried.
~~~
It was after five in the morning when Brian heard the door open. He looked up from the couch, where he spent the whole night, waiting. Justin stopped and looked at him for a moment. He looked so completely exhausted, fragile to Brian.
Without a word Justin headed to the bedroom.
When Brian showed up at the top of the steps, he saw Justin stashing his clothes into his travel bag. Brian felt like his heart skipped a beat.
“What are you doing?” Brian asked, barely keeping his voice from cracking.
“I’m gonna stay at my mom’s for a few days,” Justin said, without looking up.
“Justin,” Brian took a step closer and put his hand on top of Justin’s, silently asking him to stop.
Justin looked up at him.
“It was an accident.”
Justin snorted out a laugh, “What, his ass just happened to fall on your dick?”
“I mean…it was a mistake. I was drunk and…”
“Spare me the details,” Justin said, zipping up his bag.
He picked up the bag and walked out of the room. He already opened the door when he heard Brian behind him.
“Justin, please.” It was his last attempt to try and stop him.
Justin turned around and looked at him.
“You’re not gonna beg me to stay, are you? Brian Kinney doesn’t beg, remember,” Justin said bitterly.
Brian didn’t say anything. Instead he looked away.
Justin smirked.
“Bye, Brian.”
He walked out the door, leaving Brian standing in the middle of the empty loft.
Go to Part 5