Lost and Found - Part 5
Pittsburgh, May 2004
“Aren’t you gonna answer that?” Jennifer asked as she walked into Justin’s room, pointing to his cell phone that began to ring again.
“No,” Justin replied quietly. He’s been staring at the same spot on the wall for hours.
“Honey, maybe you should talk to him,” She sat down on the edge of the bed, putting her hand on Justin’s shoulder.
“No. Brian and I are over.”
“Sweetheart, you’ve said that before and you’ve always made up,” she reminded him.
“Brian and I are over,” he repeated.
He stood up and walked over to the desk where his phone kept ringing. He picked it up and looked at the display for a moment, then turned it off.
~~~
Brian stood in front of Jennifer’s townhouse. He raised his hand to ring the bell, then stopped. It had been two days since Justin left and he knew that he needed to talk to him, to explain, but at the same time he was scared shitless. Taking a deep breath, he pressed on the buzzer.
A few moments later the door opened, revealing Justin’s sister.
“Mom, it’s Brian!” she yelled. “Hi,” she smiled at him and then gave him a hug. Brian Kinney’s charms weren’t lost on pre-teenage girls either.
“Oh, hi, Brian,” Jennifer said, coming down the stairs.
“Hi.”
“Molly, why don’t you go get ready,” Jennifer said to her daughter. They watched her run up the stairs.
“He’s gone,” she said when Molly disappeared upstairs. “He caught an 8 o’clock flight to New York.”
Brian closed his eyes and sighed loudly. He reached for the handle, starting to leave.
“You know, all this time I thought that the only reason this relationship survived was because Justin wanted it. That he was the only one holding it together. The one invested in it the most. But I was wrong. You love him just as much as he loves you. Debbie kept telling me that all this time, but I didn’t believe her?”
Brian looked away, not saying anything in response.
“He just needs time…to cool off, to clear his head. Then he’ll come back.”
“And if he…what if he…” He couldn’t even say the words, let alone think about it.
“Doesn’t?” She finished for him.
He looked at her.
“Then you really fucked up this time,” she finished.
~~~
It wasn’t working. None of it was working…booze, drugs, even sex. None of it worked. The numbness that he was searching for wasn’t there, just sharp pain. He looked down at the guy blowing him. He didn’t want to be here, didn’t want to have this guy’s mouth on his dick. He pushed the guy away, “Stop.”
“What?”
“I said, stop. Enough.”
“We’re only getting
started,” the guy said.
“Fuck off,” Brian said, zipping up his pants and stalked off out of the backroom, out of Babylon.
~~~
“You know, there’s no shame in going after somebody you love,” he heard Ben say as he reached the jeep.
He turned around.
“Is that a Buddhism belief?” he scoffed.
“No, it’s Ben Bruckner belief.”
Brian smirked, “Save those for Mikey.”
“You don’t have to hide what you feel. Everybody knows anyway.”
“Really? Well, enlighten me, Ben. What do I feel?”
“You miss him.”
“You don’t know shit,” Brian hissed at him.
“I know enough. Don’t let your pride stop you from doing what you want.”
“And what is that?”
“Going after him. Going to New York.”
Brian smirked again, hating the fact that Ben was right. That’s exactly what he wanted to do the minute Jennifer told him that Justin left. But he didn’t. He couldn’t.
“And what am I supposed to say to him when I get there? Give up everything you worked so hard for and come back to the lying cheating piece of shit like me? What am I supposed to say to him?!”
“Tell him you love him. Tell him whatever you need to. If he’s worth it. Is he worth it to you, Brian?”
~~~
New York, May 2004
Justin closed the door behind him and turned on the light. As he turned around, his eyes met Brian’s.
“I’ll need to remind Natalie not to let just anybody into my room,” he said coldly as he walked by Brian, sitting on the chair, and threw his portfolio on the bed.
Brian stood up, watching Justin going over to the bar and pulling out a bottle of beer.
“What do you want?” Justin finally asked.
“What do you think I want?”
“You wanna fuck your friend. Oh, wait, you already did that,” Justin said sarcastically.
“Justin.”
“Justin, what?!” Justin shouted.
“Can we just talk about this?” Brian pleaded.
“Talk about what? There’s nothing to talk about. You fucked him. That’s the end of it.”
“No, it’s not. I know that you’re hurt.”
“You don’t know shit!”
“You don’t think I know what it feels like?!” Now it was Brian’s turn to shout.
“Oh, I see,” Justin gave out a nervous laugh, “So, that’s what it was? Payback?”
“NO!”
“Then WHAT?! Why out of hundreds and hundreds of men you could have had that night…why did you have to fuck HIM?! WHY?!!”
Brian looked away, guilt washing over him like an ocean wave.
“I made a mistake.”
“That’s not good enough, Brian. Don’t you get it? I had something…that nobody else had. You have relationships with your friends and you have sex with your tricks. I had both. I was the only one who had both. Now he has that too.”
“No, he doesn’t.”
“Yes. He does. And he has something that I don’t. History. He was there when I wasn’t.”
“And you were there when he wasn’t.”
“Oh, you mean when we fought over having a fucking picnic? Or when I cheated on you? Or when you got me a hustler for my birthday? ... When I got bashed?”
Brian walked up closer to him, “No. I mean when we danced on the street during your first Pride. When we had Viagra marathon.”
They both smiled.
“When you held me after my mother found out I was gay.” Brian’s voice began to crack as he got more and more emotional. “The first time we made love. Our…” he fought the tears, “Our dance.”
Justin’s lips were quivering, holding back the sobs. “It’s not enough,” he whispered as he took a step back, blinking the tears away. “You should go,” he said quietly.
“What?”
“Get out.”
“Justin,” Brian’s voice, eyes, everything was pleading with him to give him another chance, to forgive him.
“Get. Out.”
Brian stared at him, hoping to see any sign that he’d change his mind. But he didn’t. The tears were gone and now an emotionless mask was firmly placed on Justin’s face.
Brian grabbed his jacket from a chair and walked towards the door. He turned around one last time, but there were no emotions reflected on Justin’s face. It was over. He walked through the open door, closing it behind him.
The minute the door closed behind Brian, Justin fell into a chair, his legs unable to support him. He thought that he’d be crying nonstop, but the tears never came. He felt completely numb. Empty. Like somebody cut out a piece of him and he just had an empty space inside of him now. And it hurt like hell.
~~~
New York, July 2004
“How many times have you seen this movie?” Andrew asked Justin as the two lounged on the floor in front of the TV.
“Come on, Shrek is hilarious.”
“It’s a cartoon.”
“Actually, it has more adult jokes than a lot of adult movies. When I took my sister to see it, she couldn’t understand why I was laughing half of the time. Besides, Brian is like Shrek.”
“What? Green and smelly?”
They both laughed.
“No, they both got layers,” Justin did his best imitation of Shrek. “Like onions.”
Justin’s smile slowly disappeared, as his thoughts were back on Brian again.
“You can’t help who you love,” Andrew said, realizing who Justin was thinking about.
“I don’t wanna love him.”
“What do you want?”
“To forget. Where is Chris Hobbs when you need him,” Justin attempted to joke.
“Very funny,” Andrew said, not laughing.
Justin smiled at him, sadly.
Just then the phone rang.
“Hello?” Justin answered it, “Oh, hi.”
~~~
Pittsburgh, July 2004
“How is it where you are?” Lindsay asked.
They were sitting on the bench, watching Gus play in the sandbox.
“Huh?” Brian asked her, snapping back into the present.
“Thinking about Justin again?” she smiled.
He didn’t say anything in return.
“You need to talk to him,” she said.
“I tried that. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Can’t say I blame him.”
“Thanks.”
“What do you want? Understanding? Well, I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you could do that to him, especially since you know what it feels like. I don’t understand why after staying away from each other all through college and all this time you and Tyler had to do it now. Now that you’re with Justin. Now that you two were finally happy.”
Brian sighed. He didn’t have any come backs. What was the point? She was right. As always.
“Look, he’s coming back here.”
Brian’s eyes snapped in her direction.
“He’s flying in for my birthday party next week.”
“You talked to him?” he asked.
“Yes. Last night. Maybe this will be your chance to talk. He’s had time to cool off, to think about everything. He can make a rational decision now.”
For some reason that scared Brian even more than emotional Justin throwing him out of his hotel room.
~~~
“Who is it?” Brian growled into intercom.
“It’s me,” Tyler responded.
Brian thought for a moment, then pressed the button to open the front door. He unlocked the door to let Tyler in, then went into the kitchen.
“You want a beer?” Brian asked.
“No, I’m fine, thanks,” Tyler said, looking around the loft. It was his first time here. “Wow, this place is so…”
“So what?” Brian asked, opening a bottle of beer.
“So you,” Tyler responded. He looked at all the drawings hanging on the walls, one in particular catching his eye. The one of Brian and Justin the night before Justin left for New York a year ago. “You weren’t exaggerating. He really is talented.”
Brian looked at the drawing. Out of all of the drawings of him and of the two of them that Justin ever did, this one was his favorite. “Yes, he is.” Brian walked over and sat on the couch, “So, you wanna tell me what you’re doing here?”
Tyler turned around, knowing that there was no more point to stall. He sat on the chair, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for things to get so fucked up.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want to lose your friendship, Bri.”
Brian looked away, then back at him, “You won’t.”
~~~
It was almost seven and Justin was still not there. Brian was a nervous wreck, although nobody else would ever know. He pretended to listen to whatever nonsense Emmett was going on and on about, while his mind was on Justin. He hasn’t seen him in almost two months…seven weeks and three days to be exact.
“Sunshine!” he heard Debbie exclaim.
All eyes turned to the front door, where Debbie was now hugging Justin.
“Hi, baby,” Melanie and Lindsay hugged and kissed him as well, as he got closer to where everybody was.
“Sorry, I’m late. My flight was delayed,” he said.
“Oh, that’s ok. As long as you’re here,” Lindsay said.
“Happy birthday,” Justin said, taking out a small box out of his bag.
“Oh, thank you,” Lindsay said, looking at a necklace.
“If you don’t like it…” Justin said, noticing that she wasn’t too thrilled.
“No, it’s not that. Honestly, I was just hoping for a drawing,” she said, shy smile on her face.
Justin smiled at her, “I didn’t wanna come off as being cheap.”
“One day those drawings will cost a fortune,” Emmett said.
“Why do you think she wants them?” Ted joked.
They all laughed.
“Well, in that case, here,” he took out a framed drawing of Lindsay and Melanie.
“Oh, honey, that is so beautiful. Thank you,” Lindsay gushed, giving him another hug.
“Well, sit down, grab a plate and eat something,” Debbie ordered.
Justin sat down, finally looking in Brian’s direction. Their eyes met for a moment. Then he looked away.
“Wow, we haven’t seen you in over a month,” Michael said.
“Hopefully you won’t have to go back there for while,” Emmett said, putting his arms around his favorite twink.
“Well, actually…I…uh…I’m…moving there,” Justin finally blurted out, his gaze briefly stopping on Brian’s face.
“What?” Came at him from all sides of the table.
“Permanently?” Debbie asked.
“Yeah.”
“But…” Debbie was near tears.
“It’s the best thing for my career right now,” Justin said.
~~~
Brian was glad that Justin did not see his face when he gave everybody his “happy” news. He was glad that nobody saw his face at that moment. He felt like somebody punched him.
While everybody was busy processing the bomb Justin dropped on them, Brian snuck out of the room and into the kitchen. He opened the door to the backyard and took a deep breath. It didn’t help. Another. Still didn’t help. It felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest. When he heard footsteps behind him, he turned around.
“Needed more beer,” Justin explained, raising empty bottles in his hands. He threw them into the trash and then opened the fridge to get more.
“So, you’re leaving our wonderful Pittsburgh,” Brian said, trying to cover up his anguish right now.
“Yeah.” Justin turned around and looked at him. “I mean…there’s nothing keeping me here anymore, so…”
“Right,” Brian said solemnly.
“I…uh…I’m gonna send for the rest of my things as soon as I settle in,” Justin said, reverting to the logical, clear thinking, business-like Justin.
Brian couldn’t get anything out of his mouth, so he just nodded silently.
“Well, I should…uh…” Justin pointed to the dining room.
Brian nodded again.
As soon as Justin disappeared in the dining room, he took out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, his hands shaking as he tried to light a cigarette, grateful that at least nobody saw him like this. Thank God for small favors, he thought.
~~~
Tyler sat in his car, rethinking his decision to come here. Rethinking everything.
He honestly didn’t believe that Brian loved Justin. Cared, yes. But love? But when they all got to Lindsay’s house the night before, he saw a different Brian. The Brian that nobody else bothered to see. The Brian that nobody else could see unless they were watching him…as closely at Tyler was.
Brian was a nervous mess, that is until the door opened and Justin walked in. Then he just didn’t take his eyes off of him. It didn’t matter anymore if anybody caught him. Nobody did anyway, they were too busy gushing over Justin and his big news.
In all honesty, until that night Tyler couldn’t understand how Justin fit into this group. But when he saw everybody’s faces when Justin told them he was moving to New York, leaving for good, he knew. Besides Gus, Justin was the baby in this very unusual family. He was Deb’s son, and a little brother of Lindsay, Melanie, Ted, Emmett. Even Michael. That’s one he didn’t think he’d see. Michael…who was completely in love with Brian all their lives...Michael was upset too.
And Brian. He looked like he was suffocating in there…watching this relationship, this person that he cared so much about slip away from him. And Tyler hated the fact that it was Justin who had that effect on Brian. And he hated the fact that Brian was so upset about it. But more than anything he hated the fact that Brian was hurting like this. And it was all his fault.
~~~
Justin was taping up one of his boxes when he heard the doorbell ring.
“I’ll get it,” he shouted to his mother and went downstairs to answer the door.
When he did, he came face to face with Tyler.
“I don’t have time for this,” Justin said, his features hardening.
“Please. It won’t take long,” Tyler pleaded.
Justin sighed, and then walked outside, closing the door behind him, not wanting his mother or his sister to hear.
Now that he was here, Tyler wasn’t sure it was such a good idea.
“You came her to talk, so talk,” Justin said, anger in his voice.
“You can’t move to New York,” Tyler said, deciding to just go for it.
Justin sneered, “Really? And why is that?”
“If you do, it will kill any chance of you and Brian getting back together.”
“Isn’t it what you want? You can have Brian all to yourself now.”
“Yeah, well, the problem is he doesn’t want me. He wants you.”
“And you just figured that out?”
Tyler decided to ignore that last remark, “Look, it was just a fuck. Nothing more. We were drunk and high and…”
“You’re telling me it didn’t mean anything.”
“No, it did.”
Justin smirked, shaking his head in disbelief.
“To me,” Tyler added, “But not to him.”
Justin rolled his eyes.
“Look, he loves you. I didn’t want to see it, but it’s obvious. This past month he’s been missing you like crazy. I never thought I’d see the day when Brian Kinney needed anyone, but he does…he needs you. He misses you. I know that now.”
“You don’t know shit! Especially about Brian.”
“You’re right. I don’t. But you do. You know him. Better than anybody else. I’ve heard all of the stories, Justin…what you’ve been through…both of you…together. All this time…everything you two had achieved, the life you had…have together. Not that many people have something like that. Are you willing to give it all up because of one drunken fuck?
~~~
Justin was going through some papers and some of his earlier sketches that he kept at his mom’s house, trying to decide what he was going to take with him, when he came across an old drawing of Brian. The first drawing of Brian he’s ever done. He had no idea that Brian bought it. Not until he was moving back in a year ago and they were moving things around. When he saw it, carefully wrapped, in the very back of a closet, he couldn’t believe his eyes. He remembered Brian had this shy smile on his face.
A few months later he came home one day after school, upset because one of his teachers completely tore apart his work. Justin moped around for days because of it. And that’s when Brian gave the drawing back to him with words “From your biggest fan” written at the bottom.
Justin sat down on his bed, staring at the old drawing, Tyler’s words echoing in his head…”Are you willing to give it all up?”
~~~
Brian began to open the door, but stopped. He knew that the loft would be empty once again. It was a thought that he couldn’t bear at times. Every night he came home from work hoping against hope that he’d be there. That he’d forgive him and come back. And every time he walked through that door into the empty loft his heart broke again and again.
He shut the door behind him, threw his briefcase and some papers he had to go over later on the kitchen counter and headed to the bedroom to change.
~~~
Justin looked out of the window of the limo, his thoughts on Brian. He couldn’t get Tyler’s words out of his head. That’s all he had thought about since this morning. He leaned forward. “I need you to turn the car around,” he said to the driver.
~~~
Brian finished washing the plate and put it away when he heard the door slide open. He looked up to see Justin standing there, his bag over his shoulder. For a moment they didn’t say anything, just took in each other’s presence.
“I thought you were leaving tonight,” Brian finally said.
“I was,” Justin said, lowering his bag down on the floor.
Not daring to hope, Brian waited for explanation.
“We keep losing each other,” Justin said.
“I know,” Brian said, inaudibly.
Justin took a few steps closer, “Tyler came to see me today. To talk to me.”
“About what?” Brian’s heart was pounding.
“You. What happened,” Justin explained, “He said that it didn’t mean anything.”
“It didn’t.”
“That it was just a drunken fuck,” Justin continued.
Brian looked away.
Justin’s eyes were fixed on his face, though. “He said that you miss me.”
Brian looked back at him. “I do,” he said.
“He said that you need me,” Justin said, watching Brian’s emotions play on his face.
Brian swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. “I do.”
“He said that…” Justin wasn’t sure he should push any further, but he had to. “He said that you love me.”
Brian tried to clear his throat, trying to get the words out. He took a deep breath.
“I do,” he almost whispered.
Justin tried to hide the smile.
“He asked me if I was willing to give it all up for something that didn’t mean a thing.”
Brian felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest.
“Are…” he cleared his throat, trying to keep his voice from cracking, “Are you?” He knew this was it. Whatever the decision Justin made, it was final.
Justin took another step forward, standing face to face with Brian, looking up at him. A soft smile spread on his lips. “No.”
Brian felt like a huge rock was lifted off his chest and he took a deep breath, barely keeping the tears back. He cupped Justin’s face with his hand, pulling him in for a kiss.
They fell asleep in each other’s arms that night, not willing to let go of each other for even a second, not even in their sleep.
~~~
“So, what about your career?” Ted asked, yelling over loud music after Justin told them that he was staying in Pittsburgh.
“I told them that my inspiration is here and that if they didn’t like it I’d be glad to look for somebody else who did and they could just go and fuck themselves,” Justin replied.
“And what did they say?” Michael asked, amused.
“Kevin said ‘I’ll see in September’.”
Everybody laughed.
“Ok, enough chit chat,” Brian said, taking Justin’s hand and leading him onto the dance floor.
Noticing a grin on Brian’s face, Justin asked, “What?”
“Nothing,” Brian said, still grinning.
“What?!” Justin insisted.
“Now I’m an inspiration?” Brian asked with a smile.
Justin stopped dancing, his face turning serious, his eyes fixed on Brian’s, “Always.”
Brian stopped dancing and pulled Justin close, his lips on Justin’s…the rest of the world forgotten as they found each other again.
The End.