Anything Goes - Part 4:
Conversations
Justin put the pencil down, staring straight ahead, taking in the scenery before him. It was a secluded area, a small lake surrounded by trees. He never would have found this place if it wasn’t for Caleb.
Caleb. He and Justin were becoming close pretty quickly. They could talk for hours; about Justin’s art; about Caleb’s photography. Or a subject they could both definitely relate to…their boyfriends.
Justin’s eyes moved to the other man who had his camera focused on a couple of ducks swimming in the water. “I never realized there was more to photography than just pointing the camera and pressing the button,” he said when the young photographer turned around, meeting his eyes.
Justin remembered saying the same thing the night before to another brunette. They were in Brian’s bed after a couple of hours of fucking each other’s brains out. Brian actually asked him to stay the night. Well, not in so many words. He just said that he didn’t feel like driving Justin’s ass home. But it was still early, so Justin took it for what he was sure it was supposed to be – Brian’s way of telling him he wanted Justin to stay.
And he wanted to…stay in Brian’s bed, Brian’s arms for the rest of the night. But he couldn’t. For a number of reasons. Not the least of which was the fact that it would mean moving to a whole new stage of their new relationship. They didn’t need any added pressure right now and Justin spending the night would be doing exactly that.
Then, of course, there was Justin’s mother. No matter how hard Jennifer tried to be accepting and understanding, Justin was her baby boy. It’s one thing to know that your son is having sex; it’s a completely different thing to know when and where and with whom. Although, Justin had to hand it to his mother. She kept her nose out of his and Brian’s relationship, unlike the rest of their friends. Mothers really do want their kids to be happy, even if they don’t like the reasons for that happiness. And Justin was happy with Brian. Well, most of the time.
Like he was last night, when Brian asked him to stay. That was until he told Brian that he couldn’t, that he was meeting Caleb early this morning.
“What are you thinking about?”
Justin looked up, realizing that while he was lost in the memories of the night before, Caleb had moved and was now standing right in front of him. The artist shrugged his shoulders. “It’s really beautiful here.”
Caleb followed Justin’s gaze. “I knew you’d like it. Did you get any of it down?” he asked, motioning at the sketchbook lying next to Justin.
Justin ran his fingers over the rough surface of the sketchbook cover, lingering over a letter ‘B’ he doodled at the bottom of it. He couldn’t believe Brian’s reaction when he mentioned Caleb’s name. The ad exec paled, his expression immediately changing to…something completely unreadable. Becoming distant, unreachable in seconds.
And when Justin asked him if he should stop by after he got back in town today, Brian gave him the cold shoulder, saying “No.” He said he’d be busy. Justin, of course, knew what that meant. But he had no right to get upset. They had no rules, no expectations, no locks on their doors. They still hadn’t discussed any of it – what happened before, what they both wanted to happen now. They just rode this thing, taking it all in, enjoying the ride and ignoring all the bumps. They both knew it wasn’t right, wasn’t healthy, but neither one of them had any idea on how to make a relationship work. In fact, aside from finally admitting that they were willing to make it work, not much had changed since Justin walked out of Babylon, hand in hand with Ethan.
“Yeah,” Justin finally replied.
“You ok?”
Justin nodded, knowing full well that the expression on his face told a completely different story. He decided to change the subject. “How are things with Mark?”
Caleb shrugged, absently running his fingers over the lens of the camera.
“What? Something wrong?”
The photographer shook his head. “No, nothing wrong. Just…”
“Just what?” Justin waited as the other man took slow steps toward the bench, sitting down next to him.
Caleb sighed. “I just feel like…something’s…like something’s missing.” He turned to Justin. “Do you ever feel that way?”
Justin stared back at the pair of grey eyes. “Yes.”
“Yes?”
Caleb’s voice was barely audible through the loud sound of Justin’s heart pounding in his ears. Caleb’s face was only inches away and he could feel the other man’s breath on his skin. But he couldn’t. No matter how good he knew it would feel, or how familiar this all seemed, or how big of an ass Brian was the night before, he couldn’t. “Yes,” he nodded, breaking the connection they both felt only moments before. “When I wasn’t with Brian.”
Caleb blinked. “Right. Brian.” He cleared his throat. “But now, now everything’s fine, right?”
Justin smiled sadly, staring down at his hands.
“Justin?”
“There are times when I feel like a complete idiot for ever doubting that he loves me. And other times…I just don’t know. Things are never easy with Brian and me.”
“So, then why be with him?”
Justin stared straight ahead, watching the ripples on the water, not for the first time asking himself the very same question. “Because I was without him for a while and that…sucked.” That was it in a nutshell. Being with Brian was hard, but being without him was unbearable.
Caleb nodded.
“Thanks for showing me this place,” Justin said after a few minutes.
“I’m glad you like it,” Caleb smiled widely. “Maybe you could come here with me some time.”
Justin’s face brightened up. “Definitely.”
~~~***~~~***~~~
Later that night Justin found himself alone at Woody’s, ordering yet another drink.
“It’s not healthy to drink alone, you know.”
Justin spun around, his eyes settling on a set of blue eyes staring back at him. He beamed at the man. “Nicholas! What are you doing here?”
The other man took a seat next to Justin, ordering a beer. “I assume the same thing you’re doing.”
“Drowning your sorrows?”
“Bingo.”
Both of them chuckled.
“So what did your boyfriend do now?” Nicholas asked.
Justin frowned again, taking a sip of his beer before returning his gaze on Nick. “He’s not too happy about me spending time with Caleb.” It was odd, but he felt so at ease, so comfortable talking to the guy he barely even knew.
“So, he’s a little jealous. So what?”
Justin snickered, shaking his head. “Brian doesn’t do jealous. I mean, he did it once, but he doesn’t really do it.” In all the time he’d known Brian, he’d seen him get jealous once. Just once. And it was only because he felt excluded.
A soft smile graced Nicholas’s lips. “There’s a big difference between not doing jealous and not doing jealous well.”
Justin twirled the lid from the beer bottle in his fingers. Brian was jealous? But why?
“Caleb said that you two just got back together,” Nick added, reading the artist’s mind.
“Yeah, about a month ago,” Justin informed him.
“Why did you break up?’
Justin’s head shot up. He was surprised to be asked that question. This was the first time anybody had actually asked him that. And he wasn’t sure what to say, how to answer it. “I cheated.” He settled on honesty.
Nick nodded in understanding. “Well, there you go. He probably thinks you’ll run off with Caleb as well.”
Justin shook his head. “No. He knows that won’t happen.”
“Does he really?”
“He knows that I love him. That I want to be only with him,” Justin insisted.
“Have you actually told him that?”
Justin’s gaze drifted back on the beer bottle in his hands. He had told Brian he wanted to make it work. But that’s it. They hadn’t talked about it. Not really. He couldn’t imagine Brian feeling insecure about anything, especially about Justin’s feelings for him. But what if he did?
Justin looked at his companion. “I have to go,” he said, quickly rising from his seat. “Thanks, Nick.”
Nicholas gave him an understanding smile. “You’re welcome.”
Justin dropped a few bucks on the counter. “We should get together some time,” he said while putting his jacket on.
“I’d like that.”
They both smiled before the artist headed toward the exit.
~~~***~~~***~~~
Justin knew he was risking being thrown out the loft, but he had to do this tonight. Had to be here now. In front of Brian’s door. Waiting and hoping his lover would open it and let him in.
Justin knocked again, opting not to use his key since he decided to forego stumbling on Brian fucking some random guy. It wasn’t the visual Justin particularly wanted to have at the moment. He was about to leave when he heard Brian fumble with the lock on the other side of the door and in the next second he was standing face to face with his less than pleased lover.
“I told you I’d be busy,” Brian growled.
“I…I know,” Justin stammered. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Making himself vulnerable while Brian had some stranger in his bed. His eyes darted all over the place, avoiding a pair of hazel ones staring impatiently at him. Then he noticed something…weird. Brian was dressed in his “home” clothes. The ones he usually wore on Sunday afternoons while lounging around the loft or when he was working at home. Justin felt his throat opening up, letting the much needed air into his lungs. “I wanted to see you.”
Brian cocked his eyebrow, studying the teen’s face for a moment before pushing the door open wider.
After locking the door behind him, Justin followed Brian to the computer desk that was now covered with different layouts and documents.
“The new idiots Vance hired completely fucked up the Star’s account, leaving me, of course, to rectify the situation,” Brian explained.
Justin’s eyes found the ad exec in the midst of the sea of papers, looking tired and stressed. “Want help?”
Brian’s eyes narrowed, studying his face for a moment. “What the fuck do you know about advertising?” he asked, tongue in cheek.
Justin smiled. “Not a damn thing.”
He knew he said the right thing because Brian laughed. Not just his usual half-smirk. No. He really laughed.
“Grab a beer and a chair,” Brian said when he finally calmed down.
Justin flashed him a smile and did as ordered. He took his jacket off, throwing it on the couch. Then walked over to the kitchen and, grabbing two beers out of the fridge and a chair from the dining room on the way, brought all three items back to Brian’s desk.
Brian had been watching him the whole time, amused expression on his face.
“What?” Justin asked, catching the man’s eyes following him.
“Nothing,” Brian looked away, embarrassed for being caught. “You know,” he said, raising his gaze to the blonde’s face. “This will probably take all night.”
Justin cocked his head to the side, his eyes not wavering from Brian’s. This was as close as the man would ever come to asking him to stay the night. What surprised Justin was that he didn’t mind it. Brian wanted him here. That was important. That mattered. Because he mattered to Brian. He smiled shyly. “Let me call my mom.”
Brian nodded, smiling back at him.
Go to Part 5