Anything Goes – Part 21:
My Last Breath
Light. Bright…light…loud noises…hands…hands trying to keep him down…when he needed to get up…needed to go…to Justin…Justin needed him…NOW…pain…sharp…severe pain…shooting from his abdomen and coursing through his body…
“Justin!” Brian screamed again, trying to shrug off the hands that were trying to restrain him. He needed to get to Justin…before it was too late.
“Brian, calm down, you’ll hurt yourself.”
He knew that voice. “Mikey, I have to go.” He stopped moving and tried to focus on his best friend’s face. “I have to…Justin…he’s hurt.”
“Brian, you have to lie down…come on.” Michael started to lower him down on the bed.
“NO!” Brian tried to sit up again. “I have…he’s hurt.” He wasn’t even trying to hide the panic that gripped him. The only thing that mattered now was getting the hell out of here…wherever he was…and getting to Justin.
“He’s ok, Brian. He was just upset so he left. He just probably needed to be alone. That’s all. He was upset. We all were. I’m sure he’s fine.”
Brian shook his head. “No, you’re not listening to me. He’s hurt. And I have to get to him. I have to…now…I need to…”
“Mr. Kinney, you have to lie down,” he heard another voice…a stranger’s voice. He felt another set of hands holding him in place. “If you don’t, we’re going to have to restrain you,” the voice said sternly.
“Brian, come on. Calm down.”
Brian made one last attempt to get up. “He’s DYING! Please, Mikey, just…I have to…”
“Mr. Kinney, I’m going to ask you one last time…”
“Mikey, please…” Brian pleaded. Michael was the only one who could help him at the moment.
“Just lie down, Brian, ok? Ben and I will go find him and bring him back. Ok? He’s fine. We’ll bring him and you’ll see that he’s fine,” Michael said.
But Brian knew what he felt, what he saw. He had to get to Justin. Still, with the witch in pink scrubs holding him down, he had no other choice but to comply. “Hurry.”
He watched Michael run out the door before finally settling back down on the bed and letting the pink ranger take his vitals. There was nothing else he could do, but lie here and wait…and hope…that Michael found Justin in time.
~~~***~~~***~~~
“How do you know he’ll even be here?” Ben asked as he pulled up to Brian’s building.
Michael shrugged. “I don’t. But it’s the only place I know to look.”
Ben turned the ignition off and the two of them got out of the car and headed inside. Michael used his key to open the door to the loft.
“Justin?” he called out, stepping inside and looking around the place. He searched the kitchen and the part of the loft where Brian’s computer desk sat while Ben went to check the bedroom and bathroom.
Michael sighed. He promised Brian he’d bring Justin back. And he knew he had to. He had never seen Brian so…scared before…aside from…that one time…that night… Except, it was different this time. His friend was in panic…completely terrified…convinced that something happened to Justin. So, going back to the hospital without Justin was not an option.
He needed to think, to figure out where Justin might have gone. He needed to just sit down and think for a minute. He started to walk around the couch when…what he saw there stopped him cold…
Justin’s lifeless body…sprawled on the floor next to the couch…
“Oh, my God…” he whispered, kneeling beside the unconscious form, “Ben!”
~~~***~~~***~~~
He couldn’t breathe, his heart was pounding too damn fast. Even with the pain meds and other crap they were giving him, he was still a nervous wreck. It felt like it had been hours since Michael left to go find Justin and there was still no sign of his best friend or his partner.
At least now he was a little more aware of what the hell was going on. He knew he was in the hospital and he knew that he had been stabbed. He also knew that up until he started screaming Justin’s name, they didn’t think he would wake up. That piece of valuable and frightening information came from none other than his best friend’s mother, who nearly suffocated him with her mother-bear hug.
Now, not only did he have to lie here helpless and wait for Michael to find Justin, but he also had to listen to Debbie go on and on about how he gave them a scare and how he has to be careful and all the other mother-hen lectures she could muster in a hospital room.
“I should call Michael again,” Brian said, cutting off one of her lectures and reaching for the phone.
“I’m sure he’ll be here soon,” she assured him. “He’s probably already found Justin and they’re on their way back.”
He looked at her, hopelessly wishing that he could believe her.
“Sunshine was so upset. He couldn’t even bring himself to go into your room for hours.” She whimpered. “As if he was afraid that if he’d go in, it would somehow make it all real or something.”
Brian closed his eyes. Yes, he knew that feeling all too well.
Just then he heard the door open. Moving his gaze, he saw Michael stand in the doorway.
“Did you find Justin?” he asked immediately.
“Ma, I need to talk to you,” Michael said instead of answering Brian’s question. “Outside.”
It felt like his heart stopped when Michael avoided his question, and worse…his eyes. “Michael,” he demanded his friend’s attention. “Where is Justin?”
He watched his best friend’s shoulders slump as the
brunette looked down. Brian didn’t need an answer anymore. What he hoped was
just another nightmare…was, in fact, real. Before Debbie or Michael could
react, Brian was out of the bed.
“Brian, you shouldn’t…”
“Where is he?” Brian demanded, ignoring the pain and dizziness and focusing on only one thing…getting to Justin.
Michael stopped trying to get him to return to bed and finally raised his gaze to meet Brian’s. “Downstairs. Emergency room.”
Brian bolted out of the room in search of an elevator to get downstairs. He would have taken the stairs, but he wasn’t sure he could have made it that far. Thanks to the pain medication, the sharp pain was gone now, replaced by a numb, nagging one. But he was still weak and disoriented.
When he finally got downstairs, he headed straight for the nurse station.
“Brian? What are you doing down here?”
He turned around. “Paul.” He sighed in relief. At least, he knew that he would get a straight answer and not some doctor’s bullshit. “How is he?”
From the look on the doctor’s face Brian knew there was no need to clarify who he was talking about.
Paul sighed, looked away, then back at Brian. “He’s…” he sighed again. “He’s in a coma, Brian.”
It felt like the whole world just stopped…or maybe it was just him…frozen in time. Coma. He never wanted to hear that word again. Ever. And now…Justin…he was…
Brian squeezed his eyes shut, leaning against the counter of the nurse station for support. “Is he…what’s wrong with him?” he asked.
Paul shook his head. “We’re not sure. We’re running tests now.”
“Can I…” his voice cracked. He opened his eyes and looked at the other man. “Can I see him?”
Paul stared at him for a moment, obviously considering taking Brian back up to his room instead, but there was no chance in hell Brian was going anywhere but to see Justin.
And he knew the doctor understood that. Paul nodded. “They just took him upstairs.”
~~~***~~~***~~~
After getting Brian some scrubs to change into, Paul took him up to Justin’s room. Now, Brian stood there, in the doorway, watching all the different machines show the young man’s vitals, listening to the heart monitor beeping. At least this time there wasn’t a ventilator breathing for him. That was the worst. Seeing those tubes and needles…all keeping his lover alive.
“He’s gonna be ok.”
Brian turned around and looked at his best friend.
“They didn’t think he was gonna make it last time and he did,” Michael said. “He will this time too.”
Brian didn’t say anything, didn’t trust himself to speak. So, he just nodded and turned his gaze back to the bed in the middle of the room.
“Do you…do you need anything?” Michael asked quietly, gently placing his hand on Brian’s arm.
Brian closed his eyes for a moment. ‘You mean besides the obvious?’ he wanted to ask, but instead he just nodded. “Some clothes,” he said, his voice quiet, weak. He opened his eyes and looked at Justin again. He realized that they probably threw away whatever Justin was wearing when he was brought in. Like the last time. “He’s…gon…” His chin wobbled, and Brian had to stop and clear his throat. “He’s gonna need some clothes.”
Michael nodded. “I’ll be back soon, ok?”
Brian didn’t respond. He barely even noticed the lack of Michael’s touch on his arm when the brunette left. He just stood in the doorway, watching Justin slip farther and farther away from him.
~~~***~~~***~~~
Hours later they still had no explanation for what was wrong with Justin. Now everybody, their family and friends, were back in the hospital, sitting and waiting again…only it was Justin who was lying in the hospital bed fighting for his life this time and Brian unable to sit still for two seconds.
Finally, Paul showed up in the waiting room. Brian and Jennifer were immediately at his side, waiting for the news.
“We got the tests results back. There are definitely no drugs in his system,” Paul announced. “So, we know that he didn’t…” he paused, glancing briefly at Brian. “We know it wasn’t suicide.”
Jennifer seemed relieved, but Brian just stared at the two of them in disbelief. “Wait. Did you…you thought…” he backed away from them. “You thought he did this? That he’d kill himself?!” he shouted. “He would never…”
“Brian…” Paul started, trying to calm the ad exec down.
“He was upset…he might have…” Jennifer said.
Brian shook his head. “How can you even…don’t you fucking know your son at all?!” he yelled out. “Justin would NEVER do that.”
“Brian,” Paul tried again. “We have to figure out the cause in order to decide on the course of action. That’s what this is about. Getting Justin better. That’s what is important, isn’t it?”
Brian raked his hand through his hair, trying to calm down. Paul was right, of course. What mattered was figuring out what was wrong with Justin and fixing it. So, that his lover could wake up once again. He nodded, letting the doctor know that he was ok.
“Good. Now, we’re running more tests. Unfortunately, there’s not much we can do at this point. We’re just going to have to wait and see.”
Brian nodded again. Wait and see. Doctors’ favorite three little words.
“I think you should all just go home and get some rest,” Paul turned back to Jennifer.
“I should check on Molly,” Justin’s mother agreed.
Paul turned his attention to Brian. “And you should…”
“No,” Brian cut him off before the doctor could finish.
“You need rest,” Paul argued.
“No,” Brian said again, calmly, quietly, but firmly. He was not going to argue about this. He didn’t have any energy to argue about anything right now. Instead he left the waiting room, making his way through the hall and back into Justin’s room.
~~~***~~~***~~~
A day later the brilliant doctors still had no clue what was wrong with Justin. They were guessing that he might’ve had a blood clot, but they had no proof of that or anything else, for that matter. Which didn’t come as a surprise to Brian. He knew that Justin did something…he knew that in his dream or whatever the fuck that was…Justin was saying good-bye.
He turned away from the window and looked at his lover’s still form. He had tried talking to him, but nothing would come out of his mouth. He tried touching him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to pick up Justin’s hand, take it in his. That just seemed so…soap-operish…when some actor decided to leave for some greener pastures or the character got written out of the show. The character’s weepy girlfriend or wife or boyfriend…whatever…would sit by the bed and proclaim their love…right before the character died. Taking Justin’s hand in his would mean he was accepting that Justin was gone, that he was saying good-bye, and there was no chance in hell that was going to happen. He was not losing Justin again. And that was final.
Instead, Brian headed out the door in search of some coffee. Coming back from the cafeteria, he ran into Paul.
“I’ve spoken with Dr. Rossin at Lutheran regarding Justin’s case. He’s a well-known neurosurgeon. He’s coming in this afternoon,” Paul informed him.
Brian nodded. “That’s good, right?”
“If our instincts are correct,” Paul replied. “We’ll know more once he examines Justin.”
Brian sighed, wishing he could have been more optimistic. “Ok.”
“How are you feeling?” Paul asked. “How’s the pain?”
Brian shrugged. “Not to worry, doc,” he managed a smirk. “Ever heard of the miracle of drugs?”
Paul smiled. “Good. Let me know if it bothers you.”
Brian’s features softened. He knew that Paul was the only reason he was even allowed to sit in Justin’s room all day and night. That they were actually told what the hell was going on…granted it wasn’t much, but at least they were treated like people, not just another case. “Thanks.”
Paul nodded before leaving Brian alone in the hallway in front of Justin’s room.
Not ready to go back inside the room yet, Brian chose a chair next to it and sat down, sipping the most awful coffee he had ever tasted. But at the moment he didn’t care. He just needed some caffeine in his system, even if it tasted like piss.
He smiled, remembering all the times Justin would rag him out for drinking coffee…all the lectures about how caffeine was bad for him. He remembered that first time he heard it…and the Miss Congeniality act he got right after it. It was probably the first time he realized that Justin might not always be around, going off to college in another state, and it scared Brian that he actually gave a shit.
It seemed like another lifetime. When things seemed simpler. And his life actually made sense.
Having had enough of the horrible taste in his mouth, Brian got up and walked over to the trash, tossing the cup with the brown liquid inside. He turned around, ready to head back inside the room when a man down the hall caught his attention. He was walking toward him. Brian was sure he had never met the man, but he seemed so familiar nonetheless.
He stared as the man got closer and closer, trying to figure out if he knew the guy. And as the man neared him, he had his answer.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Brian hissed.
Without make up, the wig, and the dress it was nearly impossible to recognize Mysterious Marilyn…the man standing before him now.
“I needed to talk to you,” the guy replied.
“In case you haven’t noticed, right now is really not a good time,” Brian spat out, walking past him.
“This is important, Brian,” Mysterious Marilyn, or whoever that guy was, grabbed Brian’s arm. “I have a message from Justin.”
That stopped Brian cold in his tracks. “What?”
“He wanted you to know that this isn’t your fault. That he had to do it.”
Brian’s eyes grew wide. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He took a step closer. “Did you do this?” he growled, motioning at the room behind them.
The guy shook his head. “No. He did.”
“He did what?” Brian demanded.
“Brian, he saw it. The other reality. Your other life. The one that you tried so damn hard to forget…he saw it.”
Brian shook his head, backing away from the other man. “No. It was just a dream, that’s all. You said it yourself. It was just a goddamn fucking dream!”
“You know it wasn’t. I know how frightening it can be, but you KNOW it wasn’t. And so did he. He saw it. Everything. And he knew what he had to do.”
“Do? What does that other…whatever the fuck it was…have to do with what’s happening now?”
Mysterious Marilyn stared at him for a moment, studying his face. “You still don’t understand, do you? You still haven’t figured it out.”
“Figured what out?”
“Brian, this was supposed to happen,” the man said. “Justin’s not supposed to be here.”
“What?”
“He’s supposed to be dead.”
Brian took another step back, as if he was punched in the stomach. “No,” he shook his head.
“That night…when he was hurt…he was supposed to die.”
“No,” Brian said it louder this time.
“But you showed up there and you saved him,” Mysterious Marilyn continued.
“Saved him? He was in the fucking coma for two weeks. He almost died!” Brian shouted.
But the man seemed unfazed by Brian’s outburst. “But he didn’t. You called out his name which made him turn around…if he was hit in a different spot…he would have been dead. You changed that. And that changed everything else. It’s like a chain reaction. You getting hurt was a direct result of that. You were not supposed to be here. You were not supposed to be dying. HE was.”
“No!” Brian said again.
“Think about it. Think about that other reality…he died there too…there’s a reason for that. It’s destiny. I told you before, no matter what path you take, it all ends up in the same place. Fate gets what’s hers.”
“NO!”
“He saw it. He saw his destiny. He knew you changed it and he had to change it back. To how things were supposed to be. He was supposed to die.”
Unable to control himself any longer, Brian grabbed the man by the shirt, slamming him against the wall. “You did something. I want you to change it back. You understand me?” he roared. “Change it back.”
“You can’t fight it, Brian,” the other man said quietly.
Brian pressed harder against him, barely controlling his anger. He had an outlet for his rage now and it took every ounce of strength not to lash out. He grit his teeth together to keep himself from yelling at the man.
“You can’t fight it,” Mysterious Marilyn repeated.
In the man’s eyes Brian saw the truth. And it knocked the wind out of him…what he saw there…it stunned him into silence.
He let go of the man, backing away from him.
“I’m sorry,” the other man said.
Brian stared down blankly at the floor, trying to comprehend what he just heard. This wasn’t real…this couldn’t be real…none of it…it didn’t make sense. “Stay away from us,” he whispered before turning away and going into Justin’s room, closing the door behind him.
He leaned back against the door, trying to sort out his thoughts, only to fail miserably. All this…everything they had been through…apart and together…all the hurt…all the pain…all the drama…it was all for nothing? Everything he did, everything he changed about himself and his life…it was pointless…because somebody preordained what his life was supposed to be?
Brian’s gaze fell on the object lying on the nightstand next to Justin’s bed…Volume One Issue Three of Rage that Michael brought earlier that morning. He just got the shipment the night before and thought that Justin should know.
Brian pushed away from the door and walked over to the nightstand, picking up the comic book in his hand. He could still remember the elated look on his lover’s face when Justin told him that they had “the most amazing storyline for the issue” and he was the one who came up with it. They were just starting over…starting out…again then. A little over four months. That was all they had…four damn months…of happiness…and now…
Brian tossed the comic back on the nightstand, turning to his lover. He stared down at Justin, getting angrier with every passing second. Finally, he leaned over the bed, his face mere inches away from Justin’s. “Now listen to me, you stupid little fuck,” he growled angrily. “You are NOT dying, you got that? You can’t die. You are not ALLOWED to die, you hear me?!”
His whole body was shaking and he fought back the tears that threatened to spill.
“You and your fucking grand gestures. I’ll bet you think this is romantic…you…the sleeping beauty…and the handsome prince charming sitting here for days waiting for you to fucking wake up? You want me to kiss you? To hold your fucking hand and tell you how much I love you? How I can’t live without you? Well, I’m not going to. You got that?” He shook his head. “I’m not going to cry over you and tell you how much I fucking need you in my life. It’s not gonna happen, so you can just get this out of your pretty little head NOW and wake the fuck up!” He shouted
He stared down at his lover’s face, expecting Justin to wake up…just like that…because he wanted him to…because he needed him to…but Justin’s face remained unchanged.
“Come on, Justin, wake up,” Brian said quietly, his chin wobbling. “Open your eyes, dammit. Wake up.” His voice cracked when his hand slipped down on the bed…on top of Justin’s and a sob escaped his lips as the floodgates opened and everything he had been holding inside since he had woken up, burst out. “Wake up, please,” he cried, collapsing in a chair near the bed, clutching Justin’s hand in his, letting everything he was feeling inside out…as the line on the heart monitor went flat.
hold on to me love
you know i can't stay long
all i wanted to say was i love you and i'm not afraid
can you hear me?
can you feel me in your arms?
holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
i'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
i know you hear me
i can taste it in your tears
holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
closing your eyes to disappear
you pray your dreams will leave you here
but still you wake and know the truth
no one's there
say goodnight
don't be afraid
calling me calling me as you fade to black
My Last Breath by Evanescence.
Go to Part 22