Anything Goes – Part 22
You Only Live Twice
“Sir, you’re gonna have to move,” he heard next to him. But Brian had no
intention of letting go. Because then he’d lose Justin for sure, he was certain
of it.
“Sir, we can’t help him if you don’t move,” he heard again.
Then he felt two strong arms pull him away from the bed.
“Brian, we have to help him.” It was Paul. The doctor pushed him against the
wall before returning his attention to Justin.
Everything seemed to be in a daze…the room…all the people in it…running in and
out of the door…saying things he couldn’t quite understand at the
moment…everything was blurry…felt…almost…unreal.
He felt somebody else’s hands on his shoulders and found himself moving out the
room. He tried to object, but no sound came out of his mouth. Instead, Brian was
taken out into the waiting room down the hall.
He couldn’t think…couldn’t breathe. The whole world was swirling around him. And
all he could see was Justin’s face…right in front of him. If he just reached
out…he could touch him…and hold him…and never let him go…ever. But he couldn’t.
Justin was gone. He felt it…when it happened…felt Justin slipping away from
him…from his grasp.
Unable to keep it inside any longer, Brian buried his head in his hands and
cried, feeling completely detached from the rest of the world surrounding him.
From everything going on…everybody else…as if he was on a different
plane…different world…alone…now.
He wasn’t sure how long he sat like that…didn’t really care…when he felt an arm
on his shoulder.
He wanted to tell whoever it was to just go away…to leave him alone. Because
that was what his life was going to be now…he was going to be alone…without
Justin. Justin was gone. Dead.
“Brian?” he heard Paul’s voice. The doctor continued to say something, but only
bits and pieces of it registered in his brain… “Revived…Asking for you…”
Finally, wiping the tears off his face, Brian looked up at the doctor standing
by his side. “What?” Brian’s voice was barely audible, as he stared at the man,
confusion in his eyes.
“Justin’s awake,” the doctor repeated quietly.
Brian felt his heart skip a beat. It couldn’t be real, could it? It felt like a
dream. Because only dreams had happy endings. And he was afraid that if he moved
or even breathed, he’d wake up and be back in the horrible nightmare that his
life had become.
“Come on.” Paul helped him get up and led him down the hall toward Justin’s
room.
He didn’t fully understand what was going on and he wasn’t entirely sure he
wasn’t imagining this, but he followed Paul nonetheless, his heart pounding in
his ears.
Paul walked through the door, holding it open for Brian, but the ad exec stopped
in the doorway, trying to decide whether he should proceed inside. Seeing
Justin’s…body…it would be so…final…and he wasn’t sure he could handle that.
Brian watched two nurses move around the room, hooking and unhooking machines,
and he felt a sharp pain course through his body. But the pain didn’t come from
his wound this time. It went so much deeper than just a flesh wound.
He couldn’t do it. Couldn’t walk through that door. Couldn’t see Justin… Brian
turned to leave when his eye caught something…a movement…on the bed. His breath
caught in his throat as he turned back to see a blonde head move on the
pillow…and two blue eyes stared back at him.
Brian’s chin quivered as he tried to keep a cry from coming out, inhaling
sharply instead. The tears were stinging his eyes, but he didn’t care anymore.
He let the tears fall freely down his face, as he put one foot in front of the
other. If this wasn’t real, he didn’t want to know.
He stopped two feet away from the bed, staring wide-eyed into his lover’s eyes.
“Hey.” Justin’s quiet voice cut through the sound of his own heart pounding away
in his chest.
Brian swallowed hard, trying to push down the lump that was suffocating him.
“Hey,” he breathed out.
A tiny smile spread across Justin’s face. “You ok?”
Brian took in a deep breath, willing his body to stop trembling, as he tried to
find the right words, pick out the right thought out of the jumble swirling in
his head. He finally realized what Justin was asking. His wound. “Yeah.”
Justin’s smile got wider as he held out his hand for Brian.
The ad exec took one last step toward the bed, his fingers entwining with
Justin’s. “Are you?” he finally found his voice. “Is he…ok?” he asked, looking
over at Paul.
“We’re going to have to run some tests, but it looks that way,” the doctor
replied.
Brian sighed in relief, turning his attention to the blonde in the middle of the
bed.
“I was so scared,” Justin said, his voice weak, tired.
Brian bit his lip, intent on not breaking down in front of Justin. It wasn’t
what his lover needed at the moment. Nonetheless, his lower lip trembled. “Me
too,” he finally said. He squeezed his eyes shut, but a tear still managed to
escape, rolling down his cheek.
“Brian?”
Brian’s eyes snapped open at the note of concern in Justin’s voice. “I’m fine,”
he managed to say before his voice cracked.
Justin nodded, his eyes fluttering. “Tired,” he sighed.
Brian took another deep breath before leaning down and kissing the blonde’s
forehead. “Get some sleep,” he whispered.
Justin opened his eyes. “You’re…not going anywhere?”
Brian managed a smile. “No.”
“Actually…” Paul’s voice cut through the silence.
Brian looked up, giving him a look that did not leave any room for objections.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
He could see the doctor didn’t like it, but nevertheless Paul nodded and left
the room.
When Brian looked back down at Justin, he found that his lover was already
asleep. He sat down on the edge of the bed, gently reaching to brush the blonde
hair off Justin’s forehead. “I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered.
~~~***~~~***~~~
Even though the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with him once he woke
up, Justin was still stuck in the hospital for the next four days, serving as a
pincushion and guinea pig. Finally, on Thursday they released him.
Coming back to the loft was weird. It had been less than a week since he had
been there, since Friday morning when he and Brian said their good-byes to go to
school and work, just like they usually did, oblivious to the fact that twelve
hours later they’d be dealing with life and death once again.
The days after Justin woke up, he and Brian didn’t talk much. Brian had been
released the next day, but he stayed by Justin’s side, just as he had promised.
Brian brought in a DVD player and a bunch of DVDs, so they just sat around
watching movies in between Justin’s tests and exams. Neither one of them wanting
or knowing how to start a conversation about what happened. So, they just chose
not to talk about it.
When Paul came into his room announcing that he was being released, Justin
nearly jumped up on the bed and started dancing, reliving his go-go boy days.
Instead, he just turned to Brian and kissed him. They were both quiet while
waiting for the release papers and on the way home.
Once they got to the loft, Brian went to check on the messages while Justin
headed to the bedroom to unpack the things he brought back from the hospital.
Which was where he was now…standing by the bed…taking his shirt out of the
duffel bag…and thinking…about how everything felt different now. The way he saw
the world, the way he saw Brian. Even the way Brian looked at him…it was as if
his lover was constantly checking whether Justin was really there. There’d be
moments when Brian would just reach out and squeeze his hand…out of the blue…for
no apparent reason. And Justin would choke up every time he felt his lover’s
fingers entwine with his. Because he felt the same…afraid that if he turned
away, Brian would be gone. Or he would wake up and find that Brian was still
lying in that damn hospital bed, fighting for his life.
Justin tried to shake off the thoughts and focused on putting his things away.
He started to turn around to put his shirt into the drawer when out of the
corner of his eyes he noticed Brian standing at the foot of the steps, watching
him.
He turned to his lover. “Everything ok?”
His words seemed to bring Brian out of wherever it was that he had gone to for a
moment. The ad exec climbed the steps leading up to the bedroom. “Yeah. We’re
expected at Woody’s at eight,” he informed him.
Justin smiled. The whole gang decided that Brian and Justin surviving another
life and death situation deserved to be celebrated, so they agreed to meet their
friends for some drinks. If he was honest, though, the only thing Justin wanted
to do was lock the door and turn off the phones and just stay in bed with Brian
for as long as they possibly could…for as long as their supplies lasted. Of
course, he immediately scratched that idea, since their fridge was completely
empty.
“Great,” he said, staring back at Brian. He loved seeing his partner like
this…dressed down…a simple black sweater on top of faded blue jeans. Brian
wasn’t trying to be sexy or beautiful…he simply was. And he was all his. Justin
smiled at the thought.
“What are you grinning about?” Brian inquired.
Justin shrugged. “Nothing. Just glad to be home.”
Brian nodded, but Justin could tell he wasn’t buying it. Not entirely, anyway.
With the lack of anything else to say, Justin returned to the task in hand,
which was putting his things away.
“I know what you did.”
The artist froze in place at the sound of Brian’s voice. He could have easily
pretended he had no idea what the man was talking about, but there was no point.
Obviously, he could not avoid talking about it any longer. It was time.
Justin took in a deep breath, put his shirt on top of the dresser, and turned
around to face his lover.
“You had no right to do what you did,” Brian continued.
“I couldn’t just let you die,” Justin argued.
“It wasn’t your choice to make.”
“Of course it was,” Justin countered. “It was mine and ONLY mine.” Of that he
was certain.
Brian shook his head, visibly becoming upset. “Why? Because some crazy psychic
told you to?”
“No,” Justin replied calmly. “Because I saw it, Brian.”
Brian looked up, meeting his eyes. There was no point of hiding anything for
either of them anymore. No more secrets.
“I saw this other life, the other reality. The one that you created. Or that you
got transferred into…or…I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I don’t know how it
happened, but I know it was different. That you changed it somehow. I saw it
all…you…me…Caleb…Nick…even Kevin…and it was all different somehow, for some
reason, but at the same time, it still felt the same. And I know what happened
at the end…and I know why. I understand it.” He took a step closer to the other
man. “I understand…I saw the car…and you…and…” he faltered. “And me…lying there
in the middle of the street.”
Brian closed his eyes, and Justin regretted bringing it up. Because he knew what
Brian felt then. Holding him in his arms. He not only saw what Brian saw. He
felt it. All of it. The pain and the sorrow and the grief his lover felt.
“I knew that it was meant to be. You got hurt because you interfered with
fate…and I had to change it back.”
Brian opened his eyes, meeting Justin’s gaze. “You could have died. Do you
understand that?!” he said heatedly. “You almost died.”
The first minutes after he woke up from his coma were a bit hazy, but Justin
remembered seeing Brian cry. He thought he might have imagined it, or dreamed
it. But now, seeing Brian so distraught, so affected by what happened, he
realized that he did in fact see it. Brian thought he’d lost him, that he was
dead. Paul told him that Brian was by his side through the whole ordeal, even
when his heart stopped…Brian was right there…holding his hand. Justin couldn’t
even imagine what his lover must have felt at that moment. He understood that
Brian needed time to deal with it.
They both needed time to adjust, to come to grips with what happened and get
through it. And hopefully one day they won’t feel the paralyzing fear of losing
each other anymore.
Justin took a step closer, looking up into hazel eyes of his lover. “So did
you.”
Brian exhaled, closing his eyes once again, and lowered his head, their
foreheads touching. Justin shut his eyes, relaxing into his boyfriend’s embrace,
his arms winding around Brian’s body. They stood like that…arms around each
other…needing proof that the other was still here…alive…finding strength and
courage to move on from there.
For the first time in days Justin let himself think about what would have
happened if his plan hadn’t worked and Brian had died. And he couldn’t
breathe…just thinking about it made his throat tighten.
He heard Brian gasp and he realized that he was squeezing the other man.
“Oh, sorry.” He quickly released Brian from his embrace, backing away. For the
most part Brian was ok. The wound was healing quickly and the pain medication
helped a lot. But it was still there…proof that he had almost lost Brian
forever.
“It’s ok,” Brian assured him, taking a step closer.
But Justin didn’t believe him. He backed away even further, afraid to hurt the
man again.
“I’m fine,” Brian said, taking Justin’s hand in his and pulling him closer.
Unable to look up at Brian, Justin focused his gaze on the spot where Brian’s
wound was located, hidden beneath bandages and the material of Brian’s sweater.
Slowly raising his hand, Justin carefully touched the spot out of which Brian
nearly bled to death.
He felt Brian’s finger on his chin, raising his face up and forcing him to meet
Brian’s gaze. Justin was waiting for another ‘fine’ or ‘it’s ok’. Instead, he
felt Brian’s lips cover his. Responding to the kiss, Justin pressed himself
against Brian’s taller frame, careful not to put pressure on the right side,
while his hands slid under the soft material of the black sweater and guided it
up Brian’s body.
Justin pulled away slightly when his hand came in contact with something other
than the smooth surface of his lover’s skin. He looked down, one hand holding up
the sweater as he traced the edges of the bandage with the other. He felt Brian
suck in his stomach under his touch, holding his breath. He looked up, meeting
Brian’s eyes once again, as if asking for permission to proceed. Brian’s only
response was a slightly arched eyebrow as he watched Justin in amusement. Justin
took it as his sign to continue, so he slowly and carefully pulled the sweater
over Brian’s head in order not to cause his lover further discomfort.
After quickly helping Brian out of his jeans, Justin took the man’s hand in his
and led him to the bed. He smiled shyly while shedding his own clothes as Brian
settled down on the bed. Tossing his shirt, khaki’s, and underwear down on the
floor next to the bed, the artist slowly eased down on the bed, straddling
Brian’s hips.
Slowly, he stretched out, blanketing Brian’s body with his own. Careful not to
put any pressure on his boyfriend’s right side, Justin covered Brian’s mouth
with his own, quickly deepening the kiss.
When air became an issue, he pulled away, staring down at the beautiful eyes of
his lover. There was no sight more beautiful than a vision of Brian staring back
at him…when it was just the two of them…together…away from judging eyes of their
friends…and pressures of the real world…when they didn’t have to pretend to be
something other than what they really were…and just…be together.
And now…now it was just so much more special. Because…there was a moment…one
fleeting moment…when he stood in the hall of the hospital…when he just KNEW that
he’d never see Brian…never be in his lover’s arms again. And now that he was
here…they were both here…he never wanted to leave.
“Justin…” Brian started to say, but the blonde raised his hand, covering his
lover’s lips with his fingers. There was no need for words now. He didn’t need
Brian to proclaim his love or tell him how scared he was. He knew. They both
knew…they both felt the same way…they were on the same page now.
Justin flashed a bright smile before leaning down to cover Brian’s mouth with
his own once again.
~~~***~~~***~~~
“I can’t believe I actually agreed to this,” Brian pouted as the two of them
made their way down Liberty Avenue toward Woody’s. He would have much rather
stayed home in bed with Justin than spend the evening with their friends.
Granted, they both scared everybody shitless. Which was the reason, Justin
insisted, they couldn’t say no when Emmett called them to make arrangements for
celebrating Brian and Justin’s return to the land of the living.
“Think of all the free drinks we’ll get,” Justin threw over his shoulder as they
climbed the stairs leading up to the entrance.
“It would have been great if I could actually drink all those free drinks.” He
knew he was whining, but Justin was even worse than the pink range in the
hospital; watching him like a hawk, telling him when to take the fucking pills
and what to drink and not to drink while taking them.
“You sound like Michael,” Justin teased. “Now, relax. It’s gonna be great.”
“You’re way too excited about this,” Brian noted.
“Too much energy,” Justin flashed him a smile.
“I think I can fix that.” Brian met Justin at the top of the stairs, and
wrapping his arms around the blonde, leaned in for a kiss.
Pulling away, he was greeted with another Sunshine smile. Justin put his hand on
Brian’s chest, slightly pushing him away. “Cool it, stud. Not for at least
another week.”
Brian scowled. “Another week? Fuck that. Give me a couple of days and I’ll be
riding your ass so hard, you won’t be able to walk.”
Justin grinned. “This better not be another empty promise, Mr. Kinney.”
Brian smirked, tongue in cheek. “If you want, you can have it in writing…on your
ass.”
“You got yourself a deal.”
Brian smiled, moving in closer again, his hand finding its way down to the boy’s
plump buttocks.
“But…” Justin pushed him away again. “Not before we have drinks with our very
caring, very considerate friends.”
Brian glared at the little blonde tease. Groaning, he followed his lover inside.
“Brian!” he heard the moment they stepped inside the bar. Turning around they
both saw Michael waving at them.
As soon as the two of them neared the table where all of their friends were
situated, Emmett jumped off the stool and hugged Justin, tearing up immediately.
“Oh, baby, I’m so glad you’re ok.”
Brian rolled his eyes at the drama queen’s outburst, but the next thing he knew
he was being enfolded in Emmett’s arms as well. He knew the look of confusion
was plastered on his face as he tried to untangle himself out of his friend’s
embrace. He saw Justin bite back a chuckle and grimaced, trying to retain some
sort of dignity. The truth, though, was that it felt good. Felt good to know
that he had people in his life that gave a damn whether he was alive or not.
Granted, their friends had an urge to sometimes put their noses where they
didn’t belong and they could on occasion be judgmental. But when it counted,
they were there.
“Your boyfriend’s gonna get jealous,” he said, finally pushing Emmett off of him
and trying not to wince at the pain in his abdomen. The last thing he needed
right now was Justin getting all protective or upset, or both. It almost killed
him seeing the look on Justin’s face earlier that day when Justin held him too
tightly. As if Brian getting stabbed was somehow his fault. If anything, it was
Brian’s fault. He didn’t listen. Not to fucking Mysterious Marilyn, not to
Justin, and especially not to his own instincts. And as the result, not only did
he almost die, he nearly lost Justin as well.
Brian looked over at his lover who was already involved in a conversation with
Nick, silently thanking whoever was up there looking down at them...for Justin
still being there…with him. Things were different now. They both knew that.
There would be no more running, no more pushing away, no more secrets. Just him
and Justin…together.
He walked over to where his boyfriend was and wrapped his arm around Justin’s
chest.
“How you feeling, Bri?” Nicholas asked.
He felt Justin’s body tense up and without even seeing the blonde’s face, Brian
new the young man was frowning. “Good as new,” he replied, more for Justin’s
benefit than Nick’s.
Just then Michael and Ben returned with drinks.
“Why don’t we drink to that,” Emmett said, raising his glass.
Everybody raised their glasses as well.
“To Brian and Justin,” he said, barely holding the tears in.
“The biggest drama queens in Pittsburgh,” Ted added.
Everybody laughed.
“Yeah, you guys really gotta stop doing that whole near-death experience thing,”
Michael put in his five cents.
Brian met Justin’s gaze, a knowing look passing between the two of them. Brian
looked back up at his best friend. “Hey, talk to this one here,” he pointed at
Justin. “He’s got more hospital stays under his belt than Elisabeth Taylor.”
Turning back to Justin, he snickered. “By the way, are you related?”
Justin rolled his eyes, slapping Brian’s arm, but the blonde smiled nonetheless.
Mission accomplished.
“Oh, look, there’s Mysterious Marilyn,” Caleb pointed to the bar where the
psychic was currently reading somebody else’s fortune.
“Oooh, yeay!” Emmett exclaimed in glee, clapping his hands as he made his way
through the crowd toward the bar, with everybody else following closely behind.
Brian, however, tried hard not to let panic crawl back into his chest. Nothing
good ever came out of his meetings with the crazy drag queen. So, he was more
than content to stay as far away from her as he possibly could.
Justin, on the other hand, had other plans, it appeared. Because he started to
follow the rest of the group. Quickly, Brian grabbed the back of Justin’s shirt,
pulling the blonde back into his arms. “Where the fuck do you think you’re
going?”
Justin turned around. “I…uh…” he hesitated. “I wanted to talk to her.”
Brian tried to hide his anxiety. “Talk to her about what?”
Justin looked away, sighing. “I wanted to ask her…” His gaze traveled up,
meeting Brian’s eyes once again. “Why I’m still here.”
Brian felt his heart skip a beat. He knew this question bothered Justin as much
as it did him. But he chose not to think about it. To just be grateful that
Justin was here. It didn’t matter why. Or how. He didn’t think he’d ever forget
what he felt when he thought Justin was dead. When Justin’s heart stopped, so
did his.
“What difference does it make?”
“I just…I need to know…I’m not supposed to be…here…alive,” Justin explained.
Brian swallowed hard, trying to push away the gripping fear. “Says who?”
“I saw it, Brian. I know…”
“What? You saw something that happened in this other
whatever-the-fuck-that-place-was and you think you know everything?”
“But…”
"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe THIS was supposed to happen? That maybe
there's this tiny, minuscule chance that we were actually meant to end up
exactly where we are now? Here. Together."
Brian stopped talking when he noticed a wide-eyed, amused look on his lover’s
face. “What?” he asked, feigning annoyance.
A wide, shit-eating grin slowly spread across the blonde’s face. “Brian Kinney
gives a shit,” the young man singsonged in a low voice.
Brian rolled his eyes. “Fuck you.” He bit his lips, trying to retain the stern
stare, but his mouth was already tugging at the corners.
Justin beamed at him, making it so much harder for Brian to ignore the pressure
he was feeling south of his abdomen. Smiling back at his lover, he pulled Justin
into his arms, covering the pink full lips with his own.
~~~***~~~***~~~
The psychic watched from across the room as the two men kissed passionately,
not caring that there were dozens of pairs of eyes following their every move.
The two of them finally pulled apart. She saw Brian whisper something to Justin,
making the blonde smile. Then taking Justin’s hand, the two of them made their
way toward the exit.
Mysterious Marilyn looked on as the couple walked out the door, hand in hand, a
smile spreading on her face.
You only live twice or so it seems
One life for yourself and one for your dreams
You drift through the years and life seems tame
Till one dream appears and love is its name
And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone
This dream is for you, so pay the price
Make one dream come true, you only live twice
And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone
This dream is for you, so pay the price
Make one dream come true, you only live twice
You Only Live Twice by Coldplay
The End.
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