Anything Goes – Part 20:
Breathe Your Name
Justin looked down at his watch. It was quarter after nine and the gallery was pretty much empty now, except for the students showing their work and their families.
“I think we’re gonna go,” Nick said, coming up to him.
“Yeah, Kevin looks like he’s about to explode,” Justin commented as his friend’s boyfriend joined them.
“This is worse than the fucking GLC show,” the brunette complained. “At least they had booze there.”
Justin smiled while Nicholas just rolled his eyes.
“Why don’t you go get the car and I’ll be right out,” Nick said, waving off his boyfriend. “Sorry,” he said, turning back to Justin once Kevin was gone from their sight. “He can be a pain sometimes.”
“At least he’s here,” Justin said, hating that he sounded like a bitter lonely old wife. His eyes once again darted to the exit, but no matter how much he willed Brian to walk through those doors, it didn’t happen.
“He didn’t come.”
Justin shrugged, putting on a brave face. “I didn’t expect him to.”
“But you wanted him to.”
Justin looked away, hating that the tears were burning his eyes now. He promised himself he wouldn’t get upset if Brian didn’t show. After all, Brian did not promise him he would. After all…it was Brian. What he hated even more were the familiar pity looks from their friends, acting as if they had a clue about what was going on, about who Brian really was.
“He said he couldn’t come,” he said instead, turning back to his friend.
“So, then why do you keep staring at the door?”
Justin was ready to deny it, but the look on Nick’s face told him it was a pointless task. He knew Justin too well.
Just then Justin’s cell phone rang. The artist rummaged in his pocket, taking it out and checking the caller id. He had never seen this number before. Curious as to who was calling him, he answered the phone.
“Justin Taylor?” he heard a woman’s voice on the other end…and the whole world began to spin around him. He knew before she even said it…that feeling in the pit of his stomach…the one that he did his best to ignore all day long…he knew what it meant now. Something bad happened…to Brian.
Justin dropped the phone before the stranger on the other end of the line could tell him what happened, leaning against the wall for support. He couldn’t breathe and everything kept spinning…the room…the people…Nick…Nick’s face…he could hear his friend calling him…but he couldn’t reply…couldn’t respond…couldn’t say anything…think anything…except…Brian…Brian was hurt.
~~~***~~~***~~~
He opened his eyes, squinting at the brightness of the fluorescent lights that lit up the hallway. He hated hospitals. With his allergies, he spent enough time in them as a kid. He never liked them. Who would? But he didn’t hate them then. He knew that the doctors would make him feel better and that was good. That was all that mattered. He didn’t remember much then. Just the smell…this clinical, sterile smell…and white walls.
Then he was bashed and everything changed. The hospital wasn’t a place where the doctors would make him better anymore. It felt more like a prison, with his mother and the doctors and nurses as his guards. When he was released, he swore he’d never come back.
Spending two days with pneumonia wasn’t in the plans. It was even worse than the month he was in the hospital after the bashing. Because this time he didn’t have a hole in his skull clouding his judgment, his thoughts. Every time a doctor or a nurse would come into his room he’d beg them to let him out. They all smiled sympathetic smiles at him, but paid no attention to his pleas. Even his mother. Jennifer just stared at Paul with her adoring blue eyes and ate up every fucking word he said. Nobody understood…nobody but Brian. Because the hospital meant to him the same thing it did to Justin now…death…and he wanted to be FAR away from it. Brian saved him…again.
He was back now…in the same brightly-filled, sterile-smelling hall… Except, this time Brian wasn’t coming to save him. Brian was lying in the room behind the white door, fighting for his life.
“Justin.”
He turned at the sound of his mother’s voice, who along with everybody else was seating in the waiting area. He saw Paul and another doctor surrounded by their friends.
They waited for hours to find out something…anything…and all they were told was…”The doctor will be with you shortly.” It looked like ‘shortly’ meant something completely different in the hospitalies.
Now the doctors came to give the big news to the family. But…he didn’t want to know what the bright doctors had to say. Didn’t need to know. Because he already knew. Everything inside him…every fiber…every molecule…knew…Brian was dying.
Instead of making his way back to where everybody else was listening to the geniuses in the white coats, Justin pushed open the door, walking inside the small room.
He closed the door behind him and started to move toward the bed, but his legs wouldn’t listen. As if they were glued to the floor…they wouldn’t move…he wouldn’t…couldn’t move. He didn’t want to see Brian like this…pale…fragile…lifeless. Brian was always full of life…charisma…magnetism. But now…all of that was gone…and all that was left was this…shell of him.
Slowly, Justin began to put one leg in front of the other…crossing the room…getting closer and closer to the bed…and his lover’s unconscious form. He stood next to the bed, staring down at Brian. He imagined Brian would just look like he was sleeping. That was what Justin told himself. He would be sleeping. And then he’d wake up. And everything would be fine. Again.
But…Brian wasn’t sleeping. The man before him looked like Brian and smelled like Brian…but…he knew what Brian looked like when he slept. Justin had watched him so many times…drawing him…either on the paper or in his head…constantly finding new lines or features of his lover’s face…his body. Even after almost three years Justin was still amazed to find that even a way Brian’s bangs fell on his forehead could completely change the man’s face…to something so completely new…and astoundingly beautiful, he couldn’t take his eyes away. There were so many times when Brian caught him just staring at him. And Justin would blush and look away. And then when Brian wasn’t looking, he’d pick up a sketchbook and try to capture this new face on paper.
Not now. Now…it was…Justin closed his eyes. This was wrong. All wrong. Brian wasn’t supposed to be lying here…helpless…hurt. That wasn’t Brian. Depending on something or someone else. That was NEVER Brian.
Justin’s chin wobbled, the young man barely able to hold back the flood that was threatening to break free. He took a deep breath, his hand slowly coming down to cover Brian’s. But as soon as their hands made contact, Justin felt a surge go through him.
“I wish I didn’t meet Justin that night,”
“You changed something. Something big. Something important.”
“You need to make it right again,”
“I’m Caleb.”
“This is Nicholas and Kevin.”
“Are you hurt?”
“Uhm…just…just my arm.”
“You’re bleeding.”
“You only turn eighteen once.”
“It looks like a key.”
“Because I told them that you’re spending the day with me.”
“I’ll be up in a few.”
“Where the hell are you going?”
“Just across the street to the store.”
“What for?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“It’s YOUR birthday. Why am I getting a surprise?”
“I’ll be up in a few minutes.”
“Don’t get lost, little boy.”
“I won’t.”
“Justin…JUSTIN!!!”
“It’s your big day…we’re celebrating…”
“Make a wish”
“God, no.”
“Justin…get up…come on…get up…please…don’t do this to me now…not now.”
“Please…just get up…open your eyes, Justin.”
“I figured my invitation got lost in the mail.”
“The truth is inside you, Brian. Always had been.”
‘To Justin from your Number One fan’.
“He’s the key to it all.”
“Somehow he will lead you to the answer.”
“Which is?”
“You are the only one who knows.”
“You have to fix it. You have to take me back there.”
“No, no, no, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
The force of the connection that passed between them and the shock of what Justin saw…the images…the flashes…faces…places…things…that seemed so familiar…but were completely different…life…that was not his…yet…it was so strong, Justin fell backwards…crashing hard on the floor…his eyes wide…gasping for air…his brain failing to pick one thought out of a million running through it.
He stared up at Brian’s still form. The man…his lover…he kept all of this from him. For months…the secret. Justin knew now…understood what the dreams were about…what it all meant. He saw it. The other life…this other reality…it gave him the answer.
Justin got off the floor and with one last glance at Brian bolted out the door and through the hall. Ignoring his friends and mother calling his name, he ran. They couldn’t help him now. There was only one person who could.
~~~***~~~***~~~
He went to the one place he knew to look. To his relief, Mysterious Marilyn was there…reading somebody else’s future…giving somebody else the good news…or lies. Like she told him.
Justin quickly made his way over to the bar. “You saw this, didn’t you?” he accused.
The psychic slowly turned around and looked at him, seemingly not surprised to see him standing here. She eyed him wearily, studying his face closely. Finally, she nodded. They both knew what he was talking about.
He swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat that was threatening to choke him. “So, you know what I have to do.” It wasn’t a question.
She nodded, a look of sorrow written on her face.
“Then you’ll help me?” he whispered.
The drag queen’s eyes glistened as she nodded once more.
~~~***~~~***~~~
It was dark. Dark and quiet. He couldn’t quite figure out where he was. From time to time he’d hear a voice…that sounded familiar…and close…but he just couldn’t figure out where it was coming from or how to get to it. He tried not to let the panic grip him, but it felt like he’d been here…in the dark…alone…for days…with no way out. He just kept moving around…blind…and nobody could help him find the exit out of this.
“Brian.”
Now this voice he knew…knew it better than anything else. “Justin?” He turned in the direction his lover’s voice came from, but still couldn’t see anything. “Where are you?” Finally, he noticed a tiny glimmering light floating toward him.
“Brian,” Justin’s soft voice came again, sounding closer this time.
Brian waited as the light neared him, revealing Justin. Brian felt like the weight had been lifted of his chest as he wrapped his arms around his lover, hugging him closely. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in days.”
Justin only held him tighter, practically molding their bodies together. “I missed you so much.”
“You ok?” Brian asked, pulling away only far enough so that he could see his lover’s face. What he saw there did not sit well with him. Something was off. “What’s wrong?”
Justin tried to smile, but his eyes gave him away…the beautiful blue eyes that were filled with tears. “Something happened, Brian.”
“What are you talking about?” the older man asked, confused. None of this made sense. Where they were…what was happening…he couldn’t understand any of it. Which could mean only one thing. “It’s just another dream,” he said out loud. All he needed was to wake up. “Wake up.”
“No, Brian,” Justin took his hand, returning Brian’s attention to himself. “This isn’t a dream.”
Brian shook his head. “It has to be. This place…”
“Listen to me.”
He could hear the despair in his partner’s voice.
“Something happened. Something bad…very bad.” Justin sniffled. “And I have to change it…to how it was supposed to be.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Brian snapped in frustration.
“I figured it out,” Justin whispered.
“Figured what out?” He didn’t understand what was going on, but something in Justin’s eyes told him that it wasn’t good. In fact, it was something major…something that would change his life forever. “Justin?”
Justin took a step closer, once again wrapping his arms around Brian’s body, and drew his head down for a kiss. A few moments later Justin began to pull away, but a voice inside his head told Brian to hold on…to NOT let go.
“Justin?” his voice cracked.
“I have to go,” Justin whispered.
“Go? Go where? What the fuck is going on?”
Brian’s body began to shake as his lover slipped out of his embrace.
“I’m sorry,” Justin said as he took a step back.
“Justin.” He tried to move, but his body seemed to be frozen. “Justin!” he called out again, but his lover’s form was moving farther and farther away from him. “Justin…JUSTIN!!!!!”
“JUSTIN!!!” Brian’s scream echoed through the hospital room.
~~~***~~~***~~~
He lay sprawled on the floor next to the couch…a small crystal clutched in his hand…the room spinning around him…everything becoming blurry…foggy…except for Brian’s face. He could see him perfectly…calling out to him…but he couldn’t answer…couldn’t move to where Brian stood waiting for him.
“Brian,” he whispered his lover’s name as the darkness engulfed him.
It's every day
I'm in this place
I feel this way
I feel the same
It's every day
I'm in this place
I feel this way
I feel the same
Is it all inside my head
Is it all inside my head
I view the list
And take my pick
I view my **faith**
And make a choice
'Cause it's nobody else's but mine
But you're in my heart
I can feel your beat
And you move my mind
From behind the wheel
When I lose control
I can only breathe your name
I can only breathe your name
So many days within this race
I need the truth
I need some grace
I need the path
To find my place
I need some truth
I need some grace
The part of you
That's part of me
Will never die
Will never leave
And it's nobody else's but mine
You are in my heart
I can feel your beat
And you move my mind
From behind the wheel
When I lose control
I can only breathe your name
I can only breathe your name
You'll view the list
And take your pick
You'll view my **faith**
And make a choice
'Cause I'm nobody else's but yours
And you're in my heart
I can feel you're beat
And you move my mind
From behind the wheel
When I lose control
I can only breathe your name
'Cause you're in my heart
I can feel your beat
And you move my mind
From behind the wheel
When I lose control
I can only breathe your name
I can only breathe your name
I can only breathe your name
I can only breathe your name
Breath Your Name by Sixpence None The Richer
Go to Part 21