Anything Goes - Part 14:
A Bad Day
Moving closer, Justin deepened the kiss, losing himself in the wetness of the other man’s mouth. Nick’s hands slipped under his sweater, pressing Justin tight against his chest before lowering them both down on the bed. Lips still interlocked, Nicholas moved his hand down Justin’s body and worked on the blonde’s zipper. Before he could finish the job he found himself being rolled over on his back with Justin now sprawled on top of him.
Justin pushed Nick’s t-shirt up, running his hands down the man’s chest, while rubbing their respective hard-ons against each other.
“Mmmm….Justin…” Nick moaned.
“Don’t fuck him. Trust me, fucking your best friend ruins everything.”
Justin froze, hearing Brian’s words over and over in his mind.
He stared down at his friend, still pinned to the bed beneath him. A pair of blue eyes watching him intently…waiting for him to make the next move…needing him to continue what they started.
But how could he? Nicholas was his friend. His best friend. And fucking him now would change everything. It would ‘fuck up’ everything.
Pulling his hand from Nick’s chest, Justin pushed himself up, quickly shifting into a sitting position.
“Justin,” Nick called for him, still breathless.
Justin wrapped his arms around his chest, forcing himself to look at his friend. It would have been so easy to fuck him right now. To forget just for a little while about Brian and his dad and everything else that currently sucked in his life. But what would happen tomorrow when the buzz from the alcohol wore off and all they were left with was the horrible consequences of having crossed the line.
“I can’t,” he whispered, standing up and moving to the opposite side of the room.
“I’m sorry,” Nick said, sitting up on the bed, his gaze following Justin’s every move.
Justin raked his hand through his hair, trying to figure out what to do next. His friend was still sitting on his bed, waiting for him to say something…anything. And all he wanted to do was run like hell…before he did something he regretted…something they’d both regret.
Grabbing his jacket from the back of a chair, he headed out.
“Justin?”
Stopping in the doorway, Justin closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He knew he had to stay and talk to Nick. They had to discuss this. Figure out what it all meant. But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. Even though he knew he was hurting Nick immensely and probably ruining their friendship, he couldn’t. The walls were closing in on him and if he didn’t get out now, he would suffocate. “I can’t deal with this right now,” he said. Without even one more glance at his friend, he hurried out the door.
~~~***~~~***~~~
He wasn’t sure where he was headed. All he knew was he had to get as far away from his apartment and Nick as possible. It was starting to snow and the streets were mostly deserted. But Justin didn’t care. The cold air and the wet snow felt good on his face, helping him forget about the last twenty-four hours, instead focusing on the white substance coming down from the sky.
Somehow Justin found himself standing in front of Caleb’s building. He contemplated turning around and leaving, but he needed to talk to somebody, somebody who could understand what he was going through. Someone who wouldn’t preach or judge. Who’d just be there for him. And Caleb was that person. He was always there…if Justin needed him.
Making up his mind, Justin climbed the stairs up to his friend’s apartment. Knocking on the door, he waited, wondering what he’d say to Caleb when the door opened. Nicholas was Caleb’s friend. Not only that, Nick was dating Caleb’s best friend. Telling Caleb about what happened would not only jeopardize their friendship, but also Nick’s relationship with Kevin. He considered leaving again, but before he could even turn around, the door opened wide, revealing his friend standing on the other side of it.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” Caleb asked, confused.
“Can I…can I come in?” Justin stammered.
“Yeah, sure,” the brunette held the door open wider, letting Justin into his apartment. Closing the door once again, Caleb turned to the artist. “What’s wrong?”
Sighing heavily, Justin shrugged. He had no idea where to even begin describing what was wrong. Everything. Everything was wrong. He lost his boyfriend, his lover. Tonight he might have also lost his best friend. And now, seeing the concern on Caleb’s face, Justin knew that he might lose him as well.
“I just…I…just wanted to see a friendly face, that’s all,” Justin finally said, congratulating himself on not feeding his friend a complete lie.
Caleb smiled. “Well, here it is. A friendly face.”
Justin returned his smile.
“You want some tea or something? You must be freezing,” Caleb offered, moving to the kitchen before Justin even had a chance to reply.
While Caleb was putting a kettle on the stove, Justin made his way into the living room, flopping down on the couch. Closing his eyes for a moment, he let the tension flow out of his body.
“Nick said you got the job.”
Opening his eyes, Justin focused on the brunette. “Yeah,” he said quietly. Something that seemed so huge only the day before now meant practically nothing.
“Congratulations.”
Forcing out a smile, Justin nodded. “Thanks.”
“When do you start?”
Caleb walked over to the couch, handing him a steaming cup of tea. Placing his own cup on the coffee table, he sat down on the couch next to Justin.
“Two weeks,” Justin replied, carefully taking a sip out of his cup. When he noticed Caleb’s intense gaze, he took another sip. As long as his mouth was full, he wasn’t expected to talk.
Realizing that he couldn’t stay silent for much longer, Justin put the cup down, turning to face his friend. “So, where’s Mark?”
He watched as the smile faded from Caleb’s face, turning into a frown.
“Cale?” he called when his friend still didn’t respond.
Staring down at his hands, Caleb sighed. “We broke up.”
Justin’s eyes widened in surprise. “What? Why?”
Taking another deep breath, Caleb raised his eyes to meet Justin’s. “It just wasn’t meant to be.” He shrugged. “I mean, I knew it from the beginning. Something was missing. And he did too. We both knew this thing…it was doomed. I guess he finally got tired of waiting.”
“He broke up with you?”
Caleb nodded. “Yeah.”
“I’m sorry.”
Caleb shook his head slightly. “It’s ok. He was right to leave. He knew I didn’t love him.” He paused, glancing at Justin briefly before focusing on the cup sitting on the coffee table. “He knew I was in love with somebody else.”
Justin watched him carefully, trying to figure out why he didn’t know about this before. He and Caleb had been close friends for months now and he had no idea what the other man was going through. “Who?”
Caleb sighed again, slowly raising his gaze to Justin’s. Justin waited for the response, ready to ask again when the other man still hadn’t said anything. Something in Caleb’s eyes stopped him cold as the realization of what Caleb was implying finally sunk in.
“Oh.” He looked away, feeling the tension of the last twenty-four hours wash over him once again. Unconsciously, he moved away from his friend. “Oh,” he repeated for the lack of anything else to say.
“Justin?”
No. This was wrong. This was all wrong. He came here to talk, maybe to cry on a sympathetic shoulder. Not for this. Never for this. All this time… Caleb had these feelings, but for some reason he didn’t see it. Brian obviously knew about it, but Justin just blamed it on Brian seeing another Ethan in Caleb and Nick. But now he knew it was more than that. Brian KNEW. He knew something would happen with Nick. And he knew something was going on with Caleb.
Rising from the couch, Justin moved toward the door.
“Justin,” Caleb called out again.
“I have…I’m sorry…I have to go.” Opening the door, he bolted out of the small apartment, forgetting his jacket inside.
~~~***~~~***~~~
He ran…not caring or paying attention to where he was going. He just ran. The ice-cold air rushing into his lungs. The freezing rain and snow soaking into his sweater. But he didn’t care. He just ran. That was all he could focus on…moving his arms and legs…putting one foot in front of the other. Running. Away from everything…everybody. His whole life was turning upside down and he had no idea how to make it stop. How to make all of it stop. The pain…the hurt. It seemed all of the people in his life…everybody he cared about deeply…he hurt…one way or another…he hurt them all. Everybody always thought of Brian as the asshole in their relationship. But the truth was…it was him. Justin was the one who did the hurting…the lying…the cheating…demanding more than he gave back…not thinking about the consequences of his action…pretending to be someone he wasn’t…building a castle out of sand and empty dreams.
And now it all came crashing down on him and he had no idea how to change it, how to stop it. All he could do was run…toward something…something else.
He was surprised to find himself standing in front of Babylon, not sure how he ended up there. That was the last place he’d wanted to go. He knew that Brian was probably inside by now, along with the rest of their friends. Who knew what happened now. Brian told them. He knew that much. He was sure that his lover kept the details to himself, but from a brief conversation with Debbie he knew that Brian told them it was over between them. And going inside would mean facing all of them…their pity looks and sympathy smiles…which he became very familiar with the first time he went through all this.
No, that was not what he needed at the moment. He had to turn around and run away from this place. But his legs refused to cooperate, carrying him inside the big crowded club instead. As soon as he was inside, he immediately scanned the crowd for his lover. His EX-lover. He had to start thinking in ‘EX’ terms now. It took him a while to do that the last time. Add ‘ex’ any time he spoke of Brian. Which wasn’t often, because he didn’t allow himself to even think about the older man. That was the only way he survived before. And it would be the only way to survive it now.
He knew he should have left, but something kept him inside. Watching the dance floor. Looking for Brian. He knew what he was waiting to see before he ever saw it. Or rather…them. Brian and some guy…a tall dark stranger…in the middle of the dance floor…arms around each other…kissing.
He knew what it meant now. He knew why he had come here. The sharp pain coursing through his body was proof of that. This was the final straw. The final proof. It was over. THEY were OVER. And it was all his fault.
Turning around, Justin slowly made his way out of the club. Standing in the middle of Liberty Avenue, he tried to decide where he should…could go. Brian was not even an option. Neither was Caleb. Daphne was out of town with her current boyfriend.
He definitely was not going to worry his mother with his problems. And Debbie would just read him another lecture. Brian’s friends…well…they were Brian’s friends. He had nobody. Not a soul that he could go to…to hide away from his problems just for one night. He had never felt as lonely as he did in that moment.
Slowly he turned in the direction of his apartment. It was the only place left. Home. He would just have to face the music and Nick when he got there and deal with it the best way he knew how.
~~~***~~~***~~~
Putting the key in the lock, he pushed the door open. Slowly walking inside, he looked around the room, spotting his roommate sitting still on the couch. When Nick heard him come in, he turned around, their eyes locking immediately.
Nick slowly rose from the couch, facing him.
Justin stared at his friend for what seemed like forever, trying to find the right words. Needing to say something to make it all better…to make it all go away. But there weren’t any words that could do that. He only had the truth…what he felt…inside.
“I need a friend,” he whispered.
A sad smile spread across Nicholas’s face. He nodded slightly, understanding. “You have one.”
Justin felt his eyes fill up with tears as his friend crossed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Justin’s body.
Go to Part 15