Anything Goes - Part 15

Where I Wanted To Go

Justin forced himself to open his eyes.  Rising to a sitting position, he groaned, his body protesting every move, every breath, every cough.  He waited for the room to stop spinning before he stood up and walked over to the closet.  Getting dressed, he made his way into the kitchen.

“You look even worse today,” Nick informed him.

Justin sighed, grabbing the closest chair and flopping down.  “Yeah, I know.”  He couldn’t remember when was the last time he felt this shitty.  Running his hand over his face he tried to rub away the last remnants of sleep.  “Is there coffee?”

Dutifully, Nick pulled a mug out of a cabinet and filled it with hot coffee.  “You should really stay home and rest.”

Justin shook his head.  “Can’t.  It’s midterm time.”

“Your health is more important,” Nicholas argued.

But Justin just shook his head again.  “No.  It’s fine.  I’m fine.”

Placing his own cup down on the table, Nick leaned forward.  “Justin, you just broke up with your boyfriend.  And you’re sick as a dog.  Nobody deserves to stay home and wallow in self-pity more than you.”

Justin squeezed his aching eyes, taking a deep breath in.  “I can’t,” he said quietly.

“Why not?”

Opening his eyes, Justin met his friend’s gaze.  Nick wouldn’t understand.  He wouldn’t understand that staying busy was the only way Justin could stay sane.  That going through the motions of going to school and work was the only way he could continue breathing and moving and living.  And if he stopped…just for one second…it would all fall apart.  He would fall apart.  And he couldn’t do that now.  Falling apart now was not an option.  He had worked too damn hard to lose it all because he wasn’t strong enough.  “I just can’t.”

Nick sighed, obviously not satisfied with Justin’s answer.  But he knew better than to argue with the artist.  Justin was nothing if not stubborn.  “Ok.  Just promise me you’ll come home right after class.  No work.”

“I promise,” Justin managed to smile at his friend.  “Mom.”

Nicholas grinned at him despite the stern look on his face.  “Good.”  He took a sip of his coffee, his eyes not leaving Justin’s face for a second.  “Now, you wanna tell me what’s going on between you and Caleb?”

Justin’s head shot up, staring at his roommate in surprise.   That came out of nowhere. “What do you mean?”

Nick gave him a knowing look.  “Don’t play dumb with me, blondie.  You’re not that good of an actor.  He’s been calling for days.”

Biting his lower lip, Justin looked away.  He knew there was no point in trying to lie.  “He said…he told me…that…” Justin paused, still not sure how he felt about all of this.  Everything that Caleb told him.  It was just too much for him to handle then.  And even days later he still had a hard time wrapping his brain around it.  So, instead he chose to not think about it.  He hated that he was acting like a goddamn coward, but he just couldn’t think about anything that mattered.  He chose instead to focus on things that made sense, on things that he could actually control. 

“He’s in love with you.”

Justin studied the other man’s face.  Nicholas didn’t seem to be taken aback or surprised by that piece of news.  “You knew,” he said accusingly.  He realized he shouldn’t have been surprised by that.  Of course, Nick knew.  Everybody knew.  Everybody seemed to know more about his life than he himself did. 

“Suspected,” Nick replied.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Nick shrugged.  “It wasn’t my place to tell you.”

Justin nodded.  Nick was right.  It wasn’t his responsibility.  And it wasn’t his fault Justin was so damn blind, so wrapped up in his own life to notice anything else going on around him.  He should have seen it himself, since everybody else did. 

A loud cough interrupted his thoughts. 

“You really should see a doctor,” Nick said with concern when Justin’s cough subsided.

The blonde rolled his eyes.  “You really do sound like my mother.”

Nick snickered.  “Well, that’s one thing I haven’t been accused of yet.”

Justin smiled, watching Nick put his coat on and head out the door for work.  When the door closed behind his friend, he returned to swallowing the hot liquid that was currently producing a tiny cloud of steam over their kitchen table.

A few minutes later he himself rose from the chair, getting ready to leave, when he heard the doorbell ring.  Opening the door, Justin came face to face with Caleb.

“What…what are you doing here?” he asked, surprised.  He wasn’t ready for this.  In fact, he was the complete opposite of ready.    

“I thought…you might like your jacket back,” Caleb replied, handing Justin the jacket he forgot days before at Caleb’s place.

“Thanks,” he replied, taking the jacket and letting his friend inside.

They stood in uncomfortable silence for what seemed like forever, neither one sure what to say.  Caleb cleared his throat as he gazed at Justin.  “I think…we should…talk…about…about what I said.”

Justin inhaled sharply.  Talking about it was actually the last thing he wanted or needed at the moment, but he had avoided this long enough.  There was no way out now.  So, Justin nodded, prompting the other man to continue.

“I had no right to say what I said.”  Caleb paused, waiting for Justin to say something.  When he didn’t, Caleb continued.  “I mean, I know you love Brian.  I’ve know it from the beginning.  And by telling you about…about how…what I…it was unfair to you…putting you in that situation…”

“It’s ok,” Justin finally said.  “I understand.”

“You do?”

Justin nodded.  “Yeah.”

Giving out a sigh of relief, Caleb smiled.  “So, we’re still…friends?”

Justin returned his smile.  “Of course.”

“Good.”  Moving closer, Caleb hugged his friend.  “Are you feeling ok?  You don’t look so good.”

Justin pulled away.  “Yeah, just a cold.  No big deal.”  He saw Caleb open his mouth to say something.  “And if you say that I should stay home and rest, I’m going to hurt you.”  He made a threatening face, but his lips were already spreading into a smile.

“Ok,” Caleb raised his hands in mock defeat.

“But, you can be a friend and give me a ride,” Justin added.

“Deal.”

Quickly putting his jacket on, Justin followed his friend outside.

~~~***~~~***~~~

“Delivery, delivery,” Brian singsonged as he walked through the door of Michael’s store, holding a paper bag. 

 “Oh, thank God, I’m starving,” Michael said at the sight of his best friend and food.

Walking over to the counter, Brian put down the bag, smirking as his friend nearly tore the bag to pieces, trying to get to the food inside.  “Hungry?” Brian mocked.

“Shut up, asshole.  I haven’t had anything to eat since last night,” Michael replied as he stuffed his mouth with french-fries.

“What?  The professor didn’t make you eat a protein-filled breakfast like a good little boy?”

“We overslept,” Michael replied, getting to work on the cheeseburger.

“How very…boring of you,” Brian droned as he picked up one of the comics lying on the counter and flipped through it.

“Mmm…when’s your flight?” Michael asked.

“A couple of hours,” Brian responded without looking at his friend.  “I’m headed out right after I leave here.”

“You want a ride?”

“No,” Brian shook his head as he closed the comic book and tossed it back on the counter.  “The firm’s paying for a limo.”

“Riding in style.”  Now it was Michael’s turn to mock him, but Brian just rolled his eyes at his best friend.

Just then they heard the door opening, both of them turning around to see who the intruder was.  Brian’s breath caught in his throat as his eyes settled on the form of the blonde artist in khakis and a green jacket. 

It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room, leaving him and Justin suffocating in the vacuum as they stared at each other.  He hadn’t seen Justin in a week, or to be more precise, eight days.  The first couple of days he avoided the diner, but when he finally made his way over there, it turned out that Justin switched his schedule for the remaining two weeks he was working there before starting his new internship.  The teen was also missing from the club scene, so seeing him here, now came as quite a surprise. 

“Hi.”  Justin seemed to overcome his shock first.

“Hey,” Brian breathed out, not being able to take his eyes off the young man.

“I thought you were coming by later,” Michael’s voice brought them both out of the daze.

Moving his gaze from Brian to Michael, Justin nodded.  “I was.  But I have a group study thing later.”  Glancing briefly at Brian who still had his eyes on him, Justin moved toward the counter where the two older men were.  Taking out a blue folder, Justin handed it to Michael.  “I brought the sketches that we talked about.”

As the teen focused all of his attention on Michael who was currently going through the sketches, Brian allowed himself to study Justin’s appearance.  He looked paler than usual, big dark circles under his eyes.  He looked almost…

Just then the kid started coughing loudly.

The concern outweighed the resentment and anger he still felt, and Brian moved closer to him.  “Are you ok?”

Justin nodded.  “Yeah.  Just a cold.  No big deal,” he replied, avoiding looking at Brian.

Taking a step back, Brian looked away.  Justin was the one who had lied to him, the one who betrayed him.  If anybody should have been making the first move, it was definitely Justin and NOT Brian.  Picking up the same comic book he looked at before, he flipped through it absentmindedly, tuning out Justin and Michael’s conversation.  He looked up only when he heard the door open and close once again.

“You ok?”

He put the comic book down and looked at his friend.  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well…” Michael’s eyes shifted to Justin’s sketches that were lying in front of him.

“I gotta get going,” Brian said, standing up straight.  “Wouldn’t wanna miss my plane.”  He smirked at his friend.  “See you later, Mikey.”  Ignoring the look of concern on his best friend’s face, Brian headed out into the cold.

~~~***~~~***~~~

The second day of meetings with the clients dragged on for what seemed like forever.  And Brian was more than happy to be back in his hotel room after a long day of work.  Dropping his briefcase on the desk near the window, draping his coat and jacket on the chair, and loosening his tie, Brian collapsed down on the bed, letting out a loud sigh.  This was probably the most demanding and the most nitpicking client he’d ever had the displeasure of working with.  And he had at least one more day of being stuck in Boston before he could head back home. 

Not that he was in any hurry to get back to Pittsburgh.  There was nothing waiting there for him.  No one.  He couldn’t believe that not even two weeks had passed since they parted ways…again.  It felt longer.  A lot longer.  As if they’d been apart for months. 

And even though it was harder for him to admit to himself than to anybody else, he wasn’t ok with it.  He missed Justin terribly.  No matter how hard he tried to deny it to himself as well as everybody else, he missed him.  He knew he couldn’t just get over it.  Just get back to his pain management practices and forget.  It was made crystal clear to him when he saw Justin the day before, the teen standing mere feet away from him.  His body ached for the other man.  Calling out to him.  And no matter how hard he tried to be angry at Justin for lying to him, he still wanted the young artist in his life. 

Brian looked around the room, his eyes settling on the phone near the bed.  It would be so easy to just dial the number.  Easy…and hard…impossible to do.  Moving over to the nightstand, Brian picked up the phone, fumbling it in his hand.  A voice inside his head was screaming at him to just get over his pride and dial the damn number, but a part of him held him back.  Brian told himself that this conversation should not be handled over the phone anyway, so he promised himself that he would talk to the teen as soon as he got back to the Pitts.  Feeling a little better about the situation, Brian put the phone down, falling back into the sea of soft pillows.

Just then the loud sound of his cell phone broke through the silence of the empty room.  Groaning inwardly, Brian got off the bed, making his way to the chair, and took the phone out the pocket of his jacket.  A part of him hated that he secretly hoped it would be Justin on the other line.  He hated even more the feeling of disappointment he felt when the caller id showed Michael’s number instead.

“What?” he answered with his usual greeting.

“Brian?  Where are you?”

“Boston.  Which you already know,” he replied, letting his friend know exactly how annoyed he was.  Pushing his jacket out of the way, he sat down on the chair, staring out the big window, watching the cars drive by on the street bellow.

“When are you coming back?”

“Aww, Mikey, you missed me.  How sweet,” he teased in a mocking voice.

“Shut up, asshole.”  Obviously, Michael wasn’t in a joking mood.  “That’s not why I’m calling.”

“Then why are you calling?”

There was a pause and Brian felt his stomach muscles tense up. 

“Mikey, what’s going on?”

“Justin’s in the hospital.”

Brian had to remind himself to breathe, the practice that was complicated by his throat tightening.  “What…what happened?” he was finally able to utter as the images of a hurt Justin, a dying Justin rushed through his head.  His dreams...his nightmares…he could see them all in front of his eyes right now…Justin’s blood on his hands…

“He collapsed in school and they rushed him to the hospital.”

“Is he ok?” He tried to hide his panic.

“The doctors say he’s got pneumonia,” Michael replied.  “His lungs are pretty much ok now, but they’re still trying to lower his fever.”

“Michael!  Is he ok?” That was all that mattered now.  That was the only question he needed answered. 

“Yes.  He’ll be fine.”

Squeezing his eyes shut, Brian exhaled sharply, trying to get his heartbeat back to normal.  But all he could hear were the two words he NEVER wanted to hear in the same sentence again…Justin…hospital. 

“He’s been there since yesterday and they should release him soon.”

Brian’s eyes snapped open at the last piece of information.  “Yesterday?”

“Yeah, I told you, he collapsed yesterday in school,” Michael replied.

“Why the fuck didn’t you call me right away?”

“Well…I…I…” Michael stammered.  “I wasn’t sure you’d want to know.  I mean, you’re not together anymore.”

“Fuck you, Michael.  FUCK YOU!” Brian yelled into the phone.  He found an outlet for his anger and frustration at being stuck here in Boston while Justin was lying in the fucking hospital and now he was lashing out.  “Of course I wanna know.  Dammit.  I always want to know.  You understand me?!”

“Yes, Brian,” Michael’s voice sounded so small and guilty.  “I’m sorry.  I just…I’m sorry.”

Brian took a deep breath in, trying to calm down and focus on important things.  Like getting the hell out of Boston and going home.  “I’ll get on the first flight out of here.”

“What about your client?”

“I’ll deal with it,” he said, a little more calmly this time.  But a disturbing thought ran through his mind, almost knocking the wind out of him.  Justin was alone in the hospital.  For two days.  Thinking that Brian wasn’t coming.  That Brian didn’t care.  Just like before.  But there were reasons then.  Now…now the thought of Justin thinking that he didn’t give a fuck made Brian physically ill.  “Could you just…do me a favor…I don’t want him to think…I just…” he stumbled over his words, his voice beginning to crack.  

But Michael seemed to understand him.  “I’ll tell him you’re coming,” Brian heard on the other end of the line. 

“I’ll call you when I know my flight info,” Brian said before hanging up.

Ten minutes later he was still holding the phone, his hands shaking.  Justin.  In the hospital.  Again.  Yes, Michael assured him that Justin was ok, but just the thought of Justin lying in a hospital bed, with tubes and machines attached to him brought back the memories of the bashing…and then the dreams he tried not to think about while he was awake. 

No, he needed to snap out of it.  Focus on what was important.  Which was getting back to Pittsburgh as soon as he could.  He needed to call Cynthia and have her book him on the earliest flight out of Boston.  Then he had the task of calling David Moore and informing him that he was leaving due to a family emergency.  Which wasn’t a complete lie. 

With those two things completed, Brian focused on packing his clothes.  As long as he didn’t think about Justin, he was able to get through the motions until it was time to head to the airport.

~~~***~~~***~~~

It was almost nine when Brian walked through the front entrance of the hospital.  Having gotten the information about what floor and room Justin was in from Michael, Brian walked past the information desk, heading straight for the elevators. 

Getting out of the elevator, Brian read the signs to figure out which direction Justin’s room was in.

“Brian?” he heard behind him.  Turning around, he came face to face with Jennifer’s boyfriend.

“How is he?” he asked immediately, not caring for pleasantries at the moment.

“He’s doing better.  We were finally able to lower his fever.  The antibiotics seem to be doing its job,” Paul answered calmly.

Brian nodded, relieved to hear the information from the doctor, since it was a little bit more reliable than coming from Michael who failed biology twice in high school.  Feeling calmer now, Brian looked around, noticing the lack of people in the waiting area.  “Where is everybody?”  He expected to see their family and friends camped out for the night. 

“Home, would be my guess.  Jennifer’s been here all day, so I sent her to get some rest,” Paul explained.

Realizing that it was in fact after visiting hours, Brian nodded.  “Can I see him?” 

The doctor paused, considering Brian’s request for a moment.  Finally he smiled.  “Sure.  He’s probably asleep.  But you can stay for a little while,” he said as he showed Brian to Justin’s room. 

Thanking the man quietly, Brian walked through the door, pausing in the doorway for a moment.  Justin was sleeping peacefully in the middle of the bed.  His mouth was slightly open, his head tilted to the right.  He looked pale and fragile…even more so than the day before in Michael’s store. 

Closing the door as quietly as he could, Brian pulled up a chair to the bed.  Watching the teen’s chest rise and fall, he felt his own body relax, releasing all the tension of the last few hours.  Closing his eyes, he raked his hand through his hair.

“Hey.”

Brian’s eyes snapped open at the faint sound of the familiar voice.

“Hey,” he said, locking gazes with Justin.  “How are you feeling?”

Justin shrugged.  “Better.”

Brian nodded, his mouth curving up at the sides.  “How the fuck did you manage to walk around sick for a week without Debbie tying you to the bed and force-feeding you chicken soup?”

He was greeted by the blonde’s tired smile.  “I switched my schedule.”

“Smartass,” Brian said as he pinched the teen’s arm, causing Justin to laugh, stopping only when he was interrupted by a violent cough.

Quickly getting up, Brian poured Justin a glass of water and handed it to the teen who gulped it down, his cough subsiding.  Sitting back down in his chair, Brian watched as Justin cleared his throat. 

“You ok?” Brian asked when Justin settled back down.

The teen nodded in response, avoiding Brian’s gaze.

One didn’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out why Justin, really both of them, felt so uncomfortable.  They hadn’t spoken in over a week.  And the issue that caused the break up was obviously still there, sucking all the air out of the room, taking up space like a big fucking elephant.  And Brian knew that he was the only one who could get rid of the elephant right now.  “You know what I was thinking? 

Justin eyed him warily. 

Brian took that as his cue to continue.  “Remember that time we took Gus to the Zoo?  And they had that fucking Kangaroo Yard?”

Justin chuckled.  “I’ve never seen Gus cry so hard because he couldn’t reach the kangaroo and you had to bribe the damn thing with gummy bears to get it to come closer.”

Brian smiled at the memory.  That was a good day, even if they did almost get thrown out of the place for feeding the animals.  “I was thinking...maybe we could do that again.”

Justin’s smile faded, leaving only a confused look on his face as he searched Brian’s face for an explanation.  “What…what about everything you said?” he asked, his voice almost a whisper.

Brian swallowed hard.  He knew what Justin was referring to and he meant it…then.  But the truth was, it didn’t really matter now.  Yes, he was still angry at Justin for lying to him, but nothing gave you a better perspective on things than having your lover end up in a hospital.  He wanted to be with Justin.  He knew it was going to be hard.  It always seemed to be for the two of them.  And even though he knew that nothing lasted forever, he wanted Justin for now.  And Justin wanted him…for now.  That was all they could have.  And it would just have to be enough. 

“I told you we were gonna make this work,” he said, moving closer to the bed.

Before Justin could say anything, Brian leaned in, kissing the young man.  Satisfied with making his point, Brian sat back in his chair, taking Justin’s hand in his. 

“Brian?”

“What?”

Justin licked his dry lips, seemingly trying to decide whether he should make whatever was in his mind public or not.  “I wanna go home.”

Brian wasn’t surprised by the request.  The only person who hated hospitals more than he did was, not surprisingly, Justin, after having spent almost two months in one.  And that’s not counting all the doctor and rehab visits while he was out.  Realizing that it would be difficult to get Justin released that late in the evening, Brian hoped that Paul might still be around.  “I’ll go see what I can do,” he said, rising from his chair.

He was stopped by Justin’s hand that was still clutching his. 

“No.  I mean…I want to go HOME,” Justin repeated, pointedly looking him in the eye.

Brian studied the teen’s face for a moment, trying to figure out whether he understood his lover correctly.  From the look in the blue eyes, he did.  His lips spreading in a lopsided grin, he moved closer to the bed, leaning down to kiss Justin.  “What the fuck took you so long?” he murmured. 

His only response was a wide grin on his lover’s face.

Kissing Justin once more, he headed into the hall to work on freeing his boyfriend from the confines for the sterile, white walls and taking him where he belonged…HOME.

Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh, I beg, I beg and plead, singing

Come out of things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head
And a trouble that can't be named
Tigers waiting to be tamed, singing

You are
You are

Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop but you now know, singing

Come out upon my seas,
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure?
Or am I part of the disease?, singing

You are, you are, you are
You are, you are, you are

And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are
You are

Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go

Clocks by Coldplay

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