Tongue Twister

I bought a bit of baking powder and baked a batch of biscuits.
I brought a big basket of biscuits back to the bakery and baked a basket of big biscuits.
Then I took the big basket of biscuits and the basket of big biscuits and mixed the big biscuits with the basket of biscuits that was next to the big basket and put a bunch of biscuits from the basket into a biscuit mixer and brought the basket of biscuits and the box of mixed biscuits and the biscuit mixer to the bakery and opened a tin of sardines.

So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.

Sister Suzie sewing shirts for soldiers
Such skill as sewing shirts
Our shy young sister Suzie shows
Some soldiers send epistles
Say they'd rather sleep in thistles
Than the saucy, soft short shirts for soldiers Sister Suzie sews.

There once was a man who had a sister, his name was Mr. Fister.
Mr. Fister's sister sold sea shells by the sea shore.
Mr. Fister didn't sell sea shells, he sold silk sheets.
Mr. Fister told his sister that he sold six silk sheets to six shieks.
The sister of Mr. Fister said I sold six shells to six shieks too!

She sells sea shells on the sea shore;
The shells that she sells are sea shells I'm sure.
So if she sells sea shells on the sea shore,
I'm sure that the shells are sea shore shells.

Sally is a sheet slitter, she slits sheets.
Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore.
But if Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore then where are the sea shells Sally sells?
She stood by Burgess's fish sauce shop welcoming him in.
There are two minutes difference from four to two to two to two, from two to two to two, too.

Betty bought some butter,
but the butter Betty bought was bitter,
so Betty bought some better butter,
and the better butter Betty bought
was better than the bitter butter Betty bought before!

Ed Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot.
But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, the shot was Shott, not Nott.
However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott - but Nott.
So, Ed Nott was shot and that's hot! Is it not?

Theophilus Thadeus Thistledown, the succesful thistle-sifter, while sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles, thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb.
Now, if Theophilus Thadeus Thistledown, the succesful thistle-sifter, thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, see that thou, while sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles, thrust not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.

Esau Wood sawed wood.
All the wood Esau Wood saw, Esau Wood would saw.
All the wood Wood saw, Esau sought to saw.
One day Esau Wood's wood-saw would saw no wood.
So Esau Wood sought a new wood-saw.
The new wood-saw would saw wood.
Oh, the wood Esau Wood would saw.
Esau sought a saw that would saw wood as no other wood-saw would saw.
And Esau found a saw that would saw as no other wood-saw would saw. And Esau Wood sawed wood.

Every Idiot Deserves a Sign

Idiot # 1

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.

Idiot #2

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this is a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that he could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Idiot #3

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Another sign (though this guy might be onto something)

Idiot #4

Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)

Idiot #5

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on he head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

(Oh, I'll bet that hurt. Give him his sign!)

Idiot #6

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

(Your sign will be up in a minute, sir.)

Heavenly Voice Mail

Most of us have adapted to "voice mail" as a necessary part of our
daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail?

Imagine lifting a prayer and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.

Please listen carefully to the following options. Select one based on
your present need:

Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry, we are unable to take you call at this time; all of our
angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However,
your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it
was received.

Please stay on the line and wait for the next Assistant. If you would
like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are
holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then
enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code
666).

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the
numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth,
life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you
arrive in Heaven.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up
and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious
holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day!

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