Things to Never Say to a Woman During an Argument

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

You are so cute when you get mad.

You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded

Doctor, Please

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

DEAR JOHN: UNIQUE LOOK AT TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

Dec. 14, Dear John: I answered the door today and the postman gave me a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection. Agnes.

Dec. 15, Dear John: Again today the Postman brought me a beautiful gift from you, just imagine, two turtle doves. I'm delighted. They're absolutely adorable.
All my love, Agnes .

Dec. 16, Dear John: Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest, l don't, deserve such generosity. Three French Hens -- they're darling. but I must insist; you've been too kind.
Love, Agnes.

Dec. 17, Dear John: Today the Postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes

Dec. 18, Dear John: What a surprise! Today the Postman brought, me five golden rings, one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, those birds are beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes

Dec. 19, Dear John: When I opened my door this morning there were six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining about the noise and the smell and I can't .sleep a wink.-Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes

Dec. 20, Dear John: What's with you and these blasted birds? Now it's seven swans a-swimming. What kind of lousy joke is this? Bird droppings are all over the house, I can't sleep. It's not funny any longer, so stop it immediately.
Sincerely, Agnes.

Dec. 21, OK, Buster: What am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? I prefer the birds. It's not enough with all those birds and maids; they had to bring their cows with them. The lawn is a mess. You have to be careful where you step. The house is a mess. I'm warning you -- lay off.!
Agnes.

Dec. 22, Hey, Jerk: What. are you? Some kind of a sadist? Today there's nine pipers playing. All they do is chase the maids. The cows are upset and are stepping on those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started eviction proceedings against me. You'll get yours,
Agnes.

Dec. 23, You rotten knucklehead: Now there's 10 ladies dancing! Those hussies dance with the pipers all night long, the cows have diarrhea. The Board of Health is threatening to condemn the place. I've had it, you stupid blockhead I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it,
Agnes.

Dec. 24, Listen, you goon: What's with the 11 lords-a-leaping? And those maids and ladies? All 23 of the birds are dead,
trampled to death in the ruckus. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious goon. Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

Dec. 25, Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on my
client. Miss McMurtee's destruction was, of course, total, and she is now at Happydale Sanitarium where attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. Enclosed please find a warrant for your arrest
Yours truly, G. F. Bailey,
Attorney at Law.

BIBLE

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly,
"I know what Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What
do you mean, you 'know' what Bible means?" The son replied, "I do
know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does Bible mean?" "That's
easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving
Earth."

ANOTHER COUNT!

Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.
He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...

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