Things Not To Say On Your First Date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Doctor, Please

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
the second person.

You can't trust a dog to watch your food.

Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its
ground.

My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

Big Man In A Small Town

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and lawschool. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can

I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the Phone Company. I came to hook up your telephone.

HEIGHTS OF REVENGE

Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn." He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja mach char, bete so ja". After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

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