Humor Time

On this page, you will find some links to joke pages, some jokes that I have used over time.. but they never describe my true feelings about people or real or unreal situations... Some people may find some jokes offensive.. I didn't write them, so do not come crying or whining to me, okay??

These jokes came from Twisted Humor.

"The Chain Letter"

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak how. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!" What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

"Martini Sermon" - Rated PG

The young priest was so afraid at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor, "How can I relax?" The monsignor, a veteran of his work, said, "My son, this Sunday it might help if you put a martini in the water pitcher instead of water. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." Sunday came and the young priest did as the monsignor suggested. He believed everything went very well. After the sermon, the young priest asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Just fine, except you should remember the following before addressing the congregation again: Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down. There are 10 Commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. David 'slew' Goliath, he didn't 'kick the shit out of him.' We don't refer to the Cross as the 'Big T.' We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Disciples as 'J.C. and the boys.' We don't refer to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit as the 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.' Next Sunday, there is a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a 'peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffy's.' The idea of a drive-in confessional is excellent, but the sign, 'Toot-n-Tell or Go to Hell' has to go. Last, but not least, we say The Virgin Mary, not the 'Mary with the Cherry.'"

"Letter To God" - Rated R

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.

"THINGS TO PONDER..."

1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
3. Is it Ok to use the AM radio after noon?
4. What do chickens think we taste like?
5. What do people in China call their good dishes?
6. What do you call a male ladybug?
7. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
8. When dog food is new and improved, who tests it?
9. When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
10. Which is the other side of the street?
11. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
12. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
13. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of a bottle?
14. Why don't they call mustaches "mouth brows?"
15. Why does the drive thru banking service have the instructions written in Braille?

PONDER (AND SOLVE) THESE...

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of "whack"? What is a "whack"?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one unit? -----------------------

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