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Here Some QUOTATIONS to distract your mind!!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
The less hair I have, the more head I get.
If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let friends drive Naked.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem.If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I tease about drugs a lot, but in reality I take them seriously.
Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on CD.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
We've upped our standards, now up yours.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
If I wanted to listen to an asshole I would have farted.
I'm so far behind I think I'm first.
Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front.
How's your wife and my kids?
Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.
Sin - I didn't invent it - I'm only trying to perfect it!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Just because I don't care doesn't meant I don't understand.
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings - including this one.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.
Celibacy is no hereditary.
If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be called "research".
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Time is what keeps everything from happening to us all at once.
My heart is in the right place, I know, because I hid it there.
Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Am I getting smart with you?...how would you know?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
The truth is out there. So what are you doing here!
Clean, dependable, hard working...good god what kind of monster have I become!?!
Things always look better when you can't see them.
"Push to test." "Release to detonate."
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Just do it.
Just did it.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
The rich gets richer; the poor get babies.
This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
Was today really Necessary?
Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
God may have mad man first, but there is always a ruff draft before a final copy.
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
I'm so thirsty I'd lick the water out of Clinton's diarrhea... I'm sorry if I grossed you out. I shouldn't have used Clinton...
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
Due to the outbreak of aids, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss's ass.
Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool!
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries.
God invented women because he wanted a good laugh.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
Life in a vacuum sucks.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
Alone: In bad company.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Black holes really suck...
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
Things people wonder about...
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
Why is that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes--why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Who will protect the public when the police violate the law?--Ramsey Clark
