a stumble....
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall --Confucius.
i have been thinking a lot about yesterday, and everything that happened. it has been swirling around in my mind, and i am not sure if i understand my actions any better tonight than i did last night. i'm not totally sure what was wrong with me, but with a lot of thinking i think i have a theory.
a lot of people, since i have been with Master, have talked to me about His previous slave, j. i knew her a little, but not terribly well, though i did like her and i thought she was very nice. the people i have talked to all thought she was an angel; the ~perfect~ slave. i have been told over and over again how i have so much to live up to, and such enormous shoes to fill. even Master has told me on occasion what an incredibly good slave j. was.
i just don't know if i am good enough to fill that place. i know i am a good slave, but in other peoples eyes, it seems like j. was perfection. i'm not. i get pms and migraines, and i kvetch a little about washing the dishes and i don't have a perfect body, and i make mistakes... a lot of mistakes. i'm human. i have faults. i fail.
i was scared that i would never be able to please Master the way that j. could. i was scared that when i was bad, when He saw how imperfect i was that He wouldn't want me any more.
and i think, somewhere in my subconscious i wanted to know, if i were bad, would Master still want me and love me? it is silly, i know, and the logical part of my brain says, oh silly girl, don't be so absurd, of course He would, He knows you aren't a mannequin, you are a person and have faults. but the illogical part of my heart said: He has had perfection and will not want anything less.
i am also sure that j. wasn't ~completely~ perfect. she was a human, too, but everyone that has talked to me has raved on and on about how T/they had never known a more perfect slave or sub than j. that is really hard to hear when i know how very imperfect i am.
and i am not putting myself down, i know that i have many, many good qualities, and would say that, on the whole, i am a better slave/submissive than many of the others that i have met online. but is that enough? last night i wasn't sure.
i think now i know. i think now i know that it can be enough, for Master. i know that He still loves me even when i am bad, that even when i show all my faults, He still loves me. i still matter to Him, and that gives me great comfort and strength.
be well and happy til next W/we meet, --di.