As the evening rolled around, Howie finally persuaded me to go home with him, assuring me that Nick and Chelle would be fine without me there. As I leaned over to kiss Chelle’s forehead in good-bye as she slept, I couldn’t help the tears that spilled down my cheeks. When I stepped away from her in the bed, Nick grabbed me to him and hugged me.
"Thank you for being with her when I couldn’t," he whispered, wiping a tear from my cheek.
"Hey, it’s my job. It’s in the contract I drew up for the two of us at the beginning of the friendship," I joked, forcing a smile and seeing one for the first time all day from him.
"It wouldn’t be you without a contract. Thanks Jana…"
I nodded and walked back to Howie’s outstretched hand. "Take me home," I said, being drawn into his embrace.
"Your wish is my command Babygirl," he said, pressing a kiss to my temple as we walked out of the hospital.
When we arrived at the house, I could barely stand to walk by the room next to mine, destined to be Baby Carter’s room. Howie sensed my apprehension and walked ahead of me and gently closed the door to the room before coming back to me. Together, we walked by it to my room and shut the door behind us.
"Stay with me tonight?" I pleaded, tears swimming in my eyes.
"Of course, I’m not going to leave you tonight. I called home, talked to Johnny; he’s covering for me until I get back. I’m yours as long as you need me for," he said.
Turning on a lamp beside the bed, he turned around to me to see me standing alone in the dim corner. "What are you thinking Babygirl?"
"I’m thinking that I can’t believe this happened. He had finally come around to be happy about the baby, making Chelle ecstatic, and now this. God, haven’t they gone through enough together already?"
"I’m just glad she’s not alone anymore, that he DID come around and is there now to help her through this. They aren’t nearly as strong separate as they are together, and that’s what’s going to get them through this entire ordeal. Come on baby, let’s go to bed so that we’re better to see Chelle in the morning."
I started to strip off my jacket, pulling it off my shoulders to fall to the floor. Howie walked up behind me and began to undo the button from its eyelet at the back of my skirt and skim the zipper down my backside. Reaching his hands inside, he pushed the material down my thighs to join the jacket.
"I think I want a hot bath tonight. Do you mind?" I asked, weary from the day.
"Nope, do you need anyone to scrub your back for you?"
"I think I’ll be fine tonight Howie, thanks though. I’ll take a rain check, if it’s available…"
"Always available for you. Go on in there and relax, I’m going to run downstairs to make some hot chocolate and grab something to eat."
I took the rest of my clothes off on my way to the bathtub, got the water just right and then sank into the pool. With the water up to my chin, I lounged and closed my eyes, trying to get rid of the picture of Chelle in my mind.
A lot of time must have passed because a knock sounded and Howie walked in. I lay there with tears streaming down my face, in the cool water, and he reached for my arms to pull me out. I stood there shivering while he grabbed a towel, guided me out onto the mat, and then dried me off. He then picked me up and carried my into bed, which he had already turned down, and quickly stripped down to his boxers.
Climbing in beside me, he immediately spooned up behind me and folded his arms around me. We lay there, staring off into the darkness, not saying a word. As I worked on crying myself to sleep, he rocked me gently and whispered in Spanish in my ear.
After awhile, I woke up, and turned in his arms to cuddle closer into his chest.
"Feel any better?"
"No not really, I just keep seeing her when they told her and then his face as I told him. It just isn’t fair…"
"It never is, no one deserves this pain. Is that all that’s bothering you?"
"Yeah, but I’m so glad that I have you to lean on. You’re my strength Howie; I don’t know what I’d do right now if I didn’t have you. You’re the only thing getting me through this. I can’t be strong if you’re not behind me…"
"Oh baby, that’s not true. I’m just supporting you; you’re being strong on your own. No matter what, I’m going to be here for you. It might not have been your baby, but I know how excited you were getting with Chelle about it. All the shopping you guys did, the names, the room. You were as much involved as they were, and I know they are so glad that you’re there to help them through this. I’m just here to support you all, to be there if you need anything. I’m not going anywhere. There’s nowhere I’d rather be right now."
I began crying again, and he curled me closer into him and rubbed my back. Soon I had drifted off to a restless sleep again, this time only waking up every so often to stare down at the man I was in love with. His face was relaxed in sleep, his eyelashes resting gently on the skin beneath his eyes, and his lips barely open. For only a short while I would watch him sleep and then fall asleep again.
I woke up with Howie trailing his finger in circles on my bare arm outside the covers, and I turned to face him. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, smiled and got out of bed. I could hear him in the bathroom brushing his teeth, and I got out of bed to stumble in behind him. As soon as he finished, I took over the sink and then headed back to join him in bed. I snaked an arm around his middle, and he took my mouth with his for a lingering kiss.
"I like waking up with you in the morning."
I smiled shyly at him, and whispered the same into his ear. I nuzzled his ear, nibbling at it a bit and then pulled away. "I can’t do this right now. Not with them going through this, it just doesn’t seem right. I guess I better get up and going. It’s going to be a long day." I said, getting up out of his warm arms, and pushing my feet to the floor.
"Jana…"
"Howie, please don’t fight me on this. I can’t help it, I feel horrible for them."
"Baby, I know you do. But you don’t have to give up everything that makes you happy just because they’re going through a really hard time. I’m not trying to be insensitive, but that’s just the way it is. If they knew you were beating yourself up over this, they would feel bad that they put you in that spot. They want the best for you, just like you want the best for them. We’re all going to get through this, I promise."
I looked at him over my shoulder, his brown eyes pleading with me to understand.
"You’re right, somehow we’re all going to get through this."
~~~~~~
That day, they moved Chelle into another room for her recuperation. She had a roommate, and we did our best to keep it as quiet as possible. They told her that they were releasing her the following morning, and went over all the directions she had to follow.
Later that night we drug Nick home with us, kicking and screaming of course, for a good night’s rest. He had been awake the whole time, alternating between holding Chelle’s hand and going to the chapel in the hospital to pray for their lost child. He looked ravaged, he had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was dirty and dingy and his facial features were sunken with grief. With Chelle’s help, we persuaded him to come home with us for the night for some rest.
As I lay with Howie in my bed, I heard Nick’s door open about 1 A.M. I rolled out of Howie’s embrace to walk to my door and open it softly. In the dim light I saw Nick, with Nicky and Willie at his heels, peer into the baby’s room. Just standing at the doorway, he laid his head on the doorjamb and began to cry. Nicky and Willie sat at his feet, staring up at him as his body was racked by sobs. I pulled the door closed behind me and walked over to him, putting my arms around his middle.
"Why us? What did we do wrong to deserve this?"
Shaking my head against his back, I had no answer for him. I felt horrible for him; I could feel the grief pour from his body as he sobbed.
"Nicky, you didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes things just don’t go as planned, and that’s the way that God intended it to go. I don’t know why he chose you two to go through this, but you will get through it. As long as you two stay together, you’ll make it. You need each other to be your strength and your hope. That’s all I know."
Shaking my arms from around him, he pushed the door open further and walked inside. Staring at the rocking chair in the corner, he just stood there. I knew what he was thinking about; the time when Chelle had brought it home from the store in the back of the Durango and begged him to unload it and place it in the room for her. When he finally had it perfectly situated to suit her, she immediately sat down in it, placed her hands on her tummy and started rocking in it. He kneeled next to her and put his ear right at the side of her tummy and began to talk to the baby. I remember how she looked up at me in the doorway with tears in her eyes as he did this, so happy that he was excited and proud of the baby.
Nick moved to the other side of the room and looked down into the bassinet that was going to keep the baby as it slept. Lovingly, he traced the outside of it, around the lace and satin lining and then lifted his hand from the material. His head hung low, he walked back out of the room and quietly closed the door behind him.
"Will you-…"
"Howie and I will take care of the room, don’t worry about it."
"How did you know that’s what I wanted?"
"I just knew, I know if it was me, I wouldn’t want to do it. It’s the least we can do…"
He hugged me close, whispered "thanks" in my ear and trudged back to his room. The dogs followed obediently behind him and he closed the door once again after they were inside with him.
I went back to my own room, closed the door, and crawled back in bed with Howie.
~~~~~
Once we got Chelle home, reality had to set in. Howie and I had to go back to work, there were a lot of things that were placed on hold in order for us to take the time off. It was no problem, we didn’t mind it at all, but it was something that we needed to get back too.
The next few months were rough. Chelle was in a deep depression, which was to be expected after losing a child, and there didn’t seem much that Nick and I could do to bring her out of it. Howie and I had grown closer in this time; I felt that I had lost part of my best friend when she lost the baby. We were to a new level in our relationship; he had asked me to move in with him.
I was ecstatic of course, but I didn’t know how to tell Chelle. I didn’t want her to think that she was losing me also, or that I didn’t want to live with them anymore, but I felt that my feelings for Howie were strong enough to want to move to this new level with him.
Knowing that Chelle was out for one of her walks in the surf, I approached Nick. He was playing PS2, four little pug butts lined up beside him as he played. Every once and awhile, he’d stroke someone’s back, and they’d flop over for a belly scratch. He’d pause the game, and then all four would be on their back. After they were satisfied, he’d start playing again and they’d roll back over. It was really cute and nauseating. I rolled my eyes from the couch as I read my book and then decided now was the time to talk.
"Nick?"
"Yeah?"
"Can we talk for a minute?"
"Uh, I guess so. Hold on, lemme get to this next part, and then I’ll pause it. I need to go to the bathroom anyway."
"Okay, let me know when you’re done."
I went back to my book and a few minutes later I heard him pause the game and head to the bathroom. When he came back, he sat on the couch near my feet and the pugs jumped up to join him.
"What did you want to talk about?"
"Well, as you know, Howie and I have gotten real close these last couple of months…"
"Yeah," he snickered, snorting behind his hand.
"That’s NOT what I meant, even if it’s true. What I was saying, was, that we’ve decided to move to another level in the relationship."
"What kinda level are we talking about?"
"He asked me to move in with him, at the condo in Cocoa Beach." There, I said it. I felt a lot better, but I needed his help in telling Chelle.
"What, do you want my permission or something?"
"No, I need your help in telling Chelle. I don’t want her to think that she’s losing me or anything, or that I don’t want to live here anymore. But I think there’s a future with Howie for me, he’s like my other half that I’ve been trying to find. It’s like I’ve found my soul mate in him. I’ve never been like this before," I shrugged, hoping that he understood what I was complicating from something so simple. Dammit, I was in love with the man!
"Ohhh…"
"Yeah, now do you see why I’m telling you first? I need your help."
"Well, what do you want me to do?"
"I just want you to be there when I’m telling her, to be supportive of her, because I don’t know how she’s going to react."
"Okay, I can do that. When are you going to tell her?"
I thought about it for a moment, weighing my options in my mind. Howie wanted me to move in as soon as possible, but I had a lot that I still needed to do with work. I had already put in my transfer information, and it had been granted. They were just waiting on me to vacate my office.
"I guess tonight would be best. I have a lot of packing that I have to do here and at the office."
Once Chelle came in from her walk, I grabbed a couple of wine coolers from the refrigerator and headed into the living room.
"Chelle! Nick! Family meeting in two minutes! Be there or the pugs are going to pee on your bed!"
Nick launched himself onto the couch from the entryway, and Chelle was fast at his heels. They slammed into each other on the couch and immediately burst into giggles. It was the first time since the death that there had been a carefree moment in the house with those two.
"What did you want to talk about?" Chelle asked, sipping on her wine cooler while trailing a finger around in circles on Nick’s thigh. I watched him shift in his seat to make himself more comfortable and heard her giggle.
"Ummm, well, you know how Howie and I have been seeing a lot of each other lately?"
"Yes…"
"And you know how much we really like each other?"
"Yes…"
Nick was being completely silent; he was in a daze from Chelle’s fingertip.
"Well, we’ve been talking, and we came to an agreement on a few things. Such as where we’d like to be in a year, two years and so on. But we also agreed on something else. He brought it up, and I thought it sounded like the best plan for us to get where we want to be in the coming years…"
"Yes…"
"Can you say anything other than yes?" I asked, giving her an exasperated look.
"Affirmative…"
"Argh!"
Her giggle echoed through the room and brought Nick out of his daze.
"Huh? What?"
Throwing my hands up in the air, I shook my head and tried to continue.
"You’re trying to say that you and Howie want to get together. Possibly be closer than you already are?"
"Yeah, you do realize there is one thing that is constantly in between us, that can be remedied?"
"Uhhh, yeah. Like the whole state of Florida?"
Finally, she was getting me. Breathing an inward sigh of relief, I continued.
"I’m just going to come out and say this, because I think it’s the easiest way. Howie asked me to move in with him at the condo, and I accepted. We want to be together, and we thought this would be the logical step to take in that direction."
"I see…"
"All you’re going to say is ‘I see’?"
"Well what do you want me to say?"
"Something with a little more feeling than ‘I see’ possibly?"
"Fine. I’m so happy that you and Howie want to be together. You two are perfect for each other, and you wouldn’t be together if it weren’t for Nick and I. You have my blessing."
Wait a minute. This is too easy to be Chelle. There’s something missing here.
"I don’t believe you," I said, giving her a skeptical eye.
"What’s not to believe? Did you think that I wasn’t going to notice how often the two of you are together? Nick and I are here alone, a lot! I’m happy for you, but I don’t want to lose you to him completely…"
"You aren’t going to lose me to him at all. I’m just going to be living in another place instead of here. I realize that you and Nick are becoming even closer than before, and that you guys need your space too. When Howie came to me with this, I had to think about it. I didn’t just say yes right off the bat. I talked to work and had to get all that lined out before I could do anything. I’m not about to live off of him when I have this degree just itching to be used. And before I gave him the final answer, which I haven’t, I wanted to talk to you. To make sure that you were going to be okay with this. I only gave him a tentative answer. If you really don’t want me to leave, for you and Nick to build your life together even more, then tell me now. I have to know that you’re okay with this though, or I’m not going to do it. Then you’ll be seeing Howie even more!"
"Jana, I’ll be okay. I promise. You’ve been wonderful since everything happened, but it’s time that you and Howie start something of your own. I just hope it works out as well as Nick and I have. You deserve your own man, in your own home, to fuck like crazy whenever you want! Yeah, I don’t want you to go but I guess I had to give you up to ‘Winkie’ sometime, didn’t I?" She giggled, then burst into laughter at Nick’s horrified expression at the mention of Howie’s nickname.
"You call him Winkie?"
"Yes, but he doesn’t know it yet. I haven’t told him about it, and you better not! That’s not something the two of you need to be sharing!"
"Ugh, fine, I don’t want to wander into that area anyway. That’s just disgusting!"
"What? You mean you don’t like my nicknames for you?" Chelle pouted, and then leaned over to whisper them in his ear. His shy smile and red face was all I needed to see that she had taken care of things for me.
"Thanks."
"It was my pleasure, any excuse I can have to whisper his nicknames in his ear is good for me!"
"Are you sure that you’re okay with this?"
"I promise, I’ll be fine. I’m going to miss you like crazy, but it’ll be just like college all over again. The phone, letters and Instant Messenger will be our best friends once again. It’s not like I’m ever going to leave you alone or anything," she smiled, winking at me.
"Well then, I guess I’ll leave you two to christen the couch ONCE AGAIN, I’m going to head upstairs to call Howie and head to bed. I’ve got a long day of meetings ahead of me tomorrow; I won’t be home for dinner. Therefore, you two can play in the kitchen too! Just don’t burn anything down…"
"I make no guarantees…"
"Don’t I know it…" I mumbled as I headed up the stairs.
"Hey! I heard that!" Chelle whined, soon to be silenced by Nick’s mouth I’m sure.