Jana and Howie had left when the doctor came back in a few hours later to check me out again and requested to speak to Nick and I alone.
We were told the miscarriage had been "complete" and I shouldn't experience more bleeding or cramping, but if I did, to come back to the hospital immediately. He said they were keeping me two nights for observation, and then I'd be free to leave after I'd been checked one more time. He paused on his way out the door and said he was sorry for the loss of our daughter.
Nick and I exchanged a quick teary glance- we hadn't known if we were having a boy or girl yet.
"Daughter?" Nick asked, his voice cracking.
The doctor looked as if he realized he'd said too much, but then said, "Yes, the baby was a girl." and walked out of the room.
Somehow, that made me hurt more- knowing now that we would have had a daughter. We'd picked out a name, which made her more real and stole her away from us again in the same instant. We'd lost Kaylee.
After the doctor left, Nick got out of the chair beside my bed that he'd been sitting in and went to close the door to my room. He climbed into the bed with me and pulled me tightly against his chest as we cried together again, bringing us closer than we'd ever been before.
~~~~~~
I lay alone my second night in the hospital- after helping Jana and Howie convince Nick to go home and get some sleep. We hadn't said much to each other all day- but I didn't feel like we needed to. It almost seemed like I could read his mind, just as he could read mine. I knew he was there with me, and that was all I really wanted. He'd left the room a few times to wander down to the chapel- first at my request and then of his own free will.
I thought so much that night- once I finally blocked out the noise of my roommate's snoring. I couldn't stop myself from imagining what it would have been like to be in the hospital knowing that in a few hours Nick and I would have been going home with Kaylee. From there I couldn't help but think of seeing Nick singing to her or rocking her in the rocking chair I'd bought for the nursery, or him teaching her how to beat all the boys at basketball- and it broke my heart all over again.
~~~~~
Nick brought red roses when he came to pick me up. He hugged me and apologized for having left. I tried my best to assure him that it was okay, even though really nothing felt okay.. but it wasn't his fault.
When we got home, I was relieved to find that the nursery had been converted back to the way it had been before we'd added all the baby furniture and decorations- I knew I couldn't have handled trying to do it myself.
I retreated to my room almost immediately, the only things I wanted to do were sleep and cry. I still couldn't help thinking that I'd failed somehow, done something wrong to have caused this.
~~~
Two weeks after I'd been home, I was scheduled to go back to work, and I thought I was doing well enough that'd I'd be alright. I'd stopped continuously crying, but ended up in tears two or three times a day still.
The night before I laid my clothes out just like I always do and crawled into bed with Nick, relaxing once I was held in his embrace. I woke up the next morning and got dressed, thinking everything was fine until I actually started to walk out the door. I was suddenly panicked, almost fearful of going back there.. that's where I'd been when it had happened. I couldn't go back there. I went charging back up the steps, calling for Nick.
We practically collided as he was coming out of the bedroom and I was trying to go in. He took one look at me and pulled me into a tight hug, "What's wrong?"
"I can't go back there... I can't be there.. it happened there... I can't do it..."
He rubbed my back as he hugged me, trying to comfort me. "No, you're not going back.. calm down.. I'll call them..." He led me back to the bed, and from there I could here him calling John and telling him that I wasn't ready to come back, and he didn't know if I'd back be or not.
I was crying again when he came back into the room, and scooped me up in his arms. "I'm sorry" I said, over and over.
He brushed the tears off my cheeks, whispering, "Baby, it's alright... don't worry about it..."
I couldn't not worry about it though. I didn't feel like me anymore- I didn't know what to do with myself and I couldn't figure out why I acted like I did sometimes. I felt like I was missing something, like I'd lost part of myself when I'd lost Kaylee. I was so grateful for Nick and Jana and all their attention and patience, even though I knew I was doing nothing to show them my appreciation.
~~~~~
I never did go back to work. Nick and I talked extensively about it and decided we'd be fine without it. It was more his decision than mine- he'd said I didn't need to be working- he was perfectly capable of taking care of me, and I didn't argue with him about it. Unlike Jana I wasn't dying to put my "hard earned" degree to work, and being his girlfriend was a full-time job itself. I spent alot of time taking walks along the beach trying to figure out what was going on with me. I noticed that I seemed to be closer to normal when I was doing things that were "normal" for me; I was closer to being happy when I was playing Nintendo with Nick, or gossiping with Jana about Howie's latest display of "perfection" in her eyes.
Nick and I even managed to get back to having a physical relationship after a while. We were both hesitant, but he was willing when I told him I wanted to. In some ways I think it was just what we needed- we'd become so emotionally close that we needed the physical closeness to sort of "complete" what we had. It was different though- his touches were softer, whispers sweeter and the act itself was more about "us" than just either he or I being mainly concerned with how good it felt for ourselves.
The one thing that hadn't found it's way back into my life was laughter. I hadn't been able to force more than a tight-lipped fake smile until one night Jana called a family meeting.
Nick and I both hurled ourselves onto the couch at the same time, crashing into each other as we landed. Out of all the attempts that had been made recently to get me to laugh, the one thing that wasn't intentional cracked me up. It felt so good to me- I'd really missed that... and it seemed like right then... like a button had been pushed to bring back the real Chelle. I knew I was going to be okay. I wouldn't be exactly the same, but I don't think anyone is after a loss like that- but I was going to be alright.
The subject of Jana's meeting came as no surprise to me- she told us Howie had asked her to move in with him. She acted like she expected me to freak out- which is exactly what I had done when I saw it coming several miles away. It was obvious he was totally in love with her.. the way he looked at her made me almost ill sometimes- until I realized I was probably guilty of looking at Nick the same way. I knew they'd make that move eventually.. and I'd wanted to be ready for when she told me she was going to do it. I definitely owed it to her to be supportive of her.
She seemed surprised when I easily gave my blessing on her moving. I made sense to me though; she wanted to be with him, just like I wanted to be with Nick. Both Jana and I had come to points in our relationships that our living arrangement was sort of... stupid. It had been ideal when we'd both been single, and even when Nick had first moved in it was fine. But now that we were both pursuing our own relationships, it really made sense to go in our ways- to some degree.
I'll admit I was worried that she'd move and I'd never hear from her again, and I didn't want that. I knew she wouldn't just forget about me- we'd survived a significant distance barrier in college for a while, but everything was so different now. She had a great job that she loved, Howie that she adored, where did I fit into this picture?
Two weeks later, Jana started packing her room up. I helped her as much as possible, that is when I wasn't seeing something that reminded me of something we'd done together and taking off on a verbal ramble down Memory Lane. I picked up the tie-dyed teddy bear that I'd gotten her as a "good luck on your finals" present one year and about started to cry.
She sat next to me on the bed and put her arm around me. "I'm gonna keep that where I can see it all the time.. it always makes me think of you- all those loud colors", she said, laughing.
I giggled a little, "That was my intention." I turned to look at her, "I love you, Jana, and you'll always be my best friend."
"I know. I love you, too, Doofie. Remember that."
~~~~
Half of Jana's stuff was out of the house, making it look oddly bare, and I didn't like it one bit. It seemed wrong- the idea of living in this house without her. She was spending the night at Howie's, after having taken some of her stuff out to the condo earlier in the day, and Nick told me I had a surprise waiting for me this evening.
I was sitting on the couch watching "How to live like a rock star" on MTV for the eight millionth time, and laughing at how insane alot of the things were, especially compared to the way things were around our house, when Nick came up behind me and tied a blind-fold around my eyes. I shrieked, startled by the sudden darkness.
"Whoa.. chill out.. it's just me..." he whispered.
"What are you doing??" I asked, as he helped me up off the couch and led me out the front door.
He scooped me up and put me in the Durango, "I'm taking you to your surprise."
I was trying to pay attention to where we were going, based on the turns we were taking- but I gave up after getting confused as soon as we made our way out of the subdivision. I fidgeted the whole drive to wherever we were going, with Nick laughing at me, knowing I was going nuts from curiosity.
We finally stopped somewhere and he helped me out of the truck and led me to another door that I could hear him unlocking. He told me to step up, and had me follow him through some sort of room.
"You ready?" he asked.
"YES!"
He chuckled and pulled the blindfold off my eyes.
I quickly looked around in all directions, wondering where the hell I was. We were standing in the entryway to what appeared to be a really big house. I looked over at him, totally confused.
"C'mon." He held his hand out to me and we walked through the kitchen and a living room type area and then upstairs into a huge bedroom with a breathtaking view of the Bay. "What do you think?"
"I think I want to know whose house we're in!" I said.
"Ours."
My jaw dropped. Did he just say what I think he said? "What??" I squeaked.
"Since Jana was moving out of the house, I figured you probably wouldn't want to still live there.. and that it was time to get our own place..." he replied, pulling me into a hug.
Ohmygod. "This is... our house?"
"Yep."
I went slowly around the room, checking everything out and mentally planning out how we'd put all the furniture in, with Nick watching me and smiling. When I was finished with our bedroom and moved to the ones down the hall, the one across the hall would be Nick's game room, and then the one next to ours... I pushed the door opened and was surprised to see the crib, rocking chair, and decorations that had been in the nursery at our house in there. I turned around to look at him, confused at what I felt... part of me hurt, yet part of me didn't.. and I wasn't exactly sure why.
"I thought maybe, like when we're settled in here and after the album's done.. maybe we could.. give it another try..." he said, quietly.
I realized what that other feeling was- I was hopeful. Nick and I were starting our own life together, which may well include kids one day, if we were supposed to have them. If not, we still had some really nice baby furniture. I stood up on tiptoe to kiss him, "I love you."
"I love you, too." he said, wrapping his arms around me. "So, is this an acceptable pre-engagement arrangement?"
I looked up at him, wide-eyed.
Nick laughed at my expression, "I can't not be with you, Chelle. With everything that's happened, I realized that... so, just be warned.. the question is coming."
I was so happy; I didn't know what to do- laugh or cry. I watched Nick reach into his pocket and pull out a box, then take my hand and hold it palm-up. He took a ring out of the box, and showed me the inscription, "anything together".
He took my right hand and slipped the ring on my finger, "It's a promise ring... it means that we can do or get through anything... together."
~~~~~~
"Okay, smile!" Howie called as Jana, Nick and I stood in front of the house, posing for a picture.
It was only appropriate Nick was standing in the middle, Jana and I on either side of him. At one point, he'd almost come between us- but we hadn't let it happen, just like we weren't going to let a little obstacle like the entire state of Florida come between us. Howie took two pictures- one for Jana and one for Nick and I.
Jana and Howie had come back out one more time to make sure that she'd gotten everything- it was alot easier to tell now that Nick and I had moved all of our stuff into our new house- and for a barbecue house-warming party. We'd "warmed" their condo a few weeks ago, and now it was time to officially break in our place.
I had to admit- I loved their condo. I hadn't seen it before Jana moved in- but it was obvious she lived there now- her books everywhere and her giant stuffed penguin sitting on the middle of the bed, and her tie-dyed bear on a shelf on the wall. While we'd been out there, I noticed that she looked like that was exactly where she belonged- there with him, welcoming her friends into their home. I knew she was happy, and that made me so happy for her.
I took one last look at the house where my whole life had changed as Jana and Nick handed over their keys to the realtor. It had sold fast, a family from Baltimore was moving in next week. I had to wonder what they'd think if they knew all the things that had gone on in there. I blinked to keep from crying- it was hard to leave. I gave the realtor my key and got in the Durango, listening to Nick telling Howie to follow us to the house. I looked through the car window- to see Jana climbing into Howie's Stealth, and we smiled at each other.
I knew we were both thinking the same thing- how had all this come from an ad in the paper for a housemate?