Jana had come home Sunday afternoon- when I'd been out back with Nicky and Houston. Mikey and Willie had posted themselves outside Nick's door just in case he opened it. The dogs were desperate for attention- it was obvious they missed him. It seemed to drive them nuts, knowing that he was there and he just wasn't paying attention to them. I completely understood- I felt that way, too.
Jana sat with me in our "rock garden" and just let me cry. I didn't have to say anything- I knew she understood what I was thinking, one of the many things that continually reminds me why she is my best friend. She held off her stories of sex with Howie to comfort me- she was exactly what I needed.
After a while of crying- I turned to her, looking at her through blurry eyes, "I didn't expect him to want this..." I whispered. "I just never thought he'd completely shut me out."
She hugged me tighter, "I know it has to hurt, and I'm sorry. But you know I'm here for you.. and I'll kick him in the ass for you."
I sniffled and managed a little smile. I knew she meant what she said- when she promised support, she delivered, just as I knew she'd literally or figuratively kick Nick's ass. "Thanks, dearest."
"You're welcome. That's what friends are for." she said. "Can I ask what exactly happened?"
"I told him... he told me we weren't ready and couldn't do this, then he went inside, closed the door and has been avoiding me ever since." I sighed.
"So he's acting like a spoiled little kid who hasn't gotten his way." she said, turning a little to look over her shoulder towards the house. "You know he's watching us from the window?"
I fought the urge to turn around and just shrugged. "I don't know what he's acting like, but it's not the guy I fell in love with."
~~~~
I woke up about 3 am on the first night I actually let myself sleep, to my stomach growling. I lay in bed trying to ignore it for awhile, but gave up after a while and tiptoed down the hall to Jana's room. She'd been at home everyday to hang with me while Nick was being a bastard, and I totally appreciated her being there for me. "Pssst.. Jana..."
She rolled over and threw a pillow in my general direction, mumbling something that sort of sounded like, "mo mamay", which I guess translated into "go away".
I crept to the bed, whacked her with the pillow and jumped away as she sat up yelling that I was going to pay for that.
Over my laughing she demanded to know what the hell I wanted at this ungodly hour.
"How do you make green beans?"
"What????"
"What do you do to make green beans? Like what do you add to them?" I asked.
"Green beans?" she repeated, like she couldn't quite believe I'd woken her up for this.
"Yeah.. I have a major craving for them."
"You don't even like green beans." she said, picking up the pillow again.
"I hate them actually, but I really really want some right now." I replied. "I don't get it either.. and I know they're just going to come back up anyway..."
She put the pillow back down and shook her head, "And I thought you were weird before.. being pregnant is really messing you up." she sighed. "I put bacon bits and onions in while I cook them."
"Thanks. Sweet Howie dreams." I said, and left her alone again.
I went down to the kitchen, trying to hunt for green beans, bacon bits and onions as quietly as possible. The dogs must have heard me rummaging around- all of them but Nicky came running to see what was going on.
I tossed some chips on the floor for the dogs and dumped all of my bean-making stuff into a pot on the stove. I could hear footsteps approaching over the dogs' crunching and expected to look up and see Jana standing there- wanting to make sure I didn't burn the house down in attempt to satisfy my bizarre craving- which is why I was completely shocked to see it was Nick- looking about as bad as I felt. I didn't say anything to him as I went about stirring my veggies and watched him sit down at the table, fold his arms on the table and put his head down them.
When my food was done, I really had no choice about where to sit, so I dumped the green beans in a bowl and sat down at the table across from him. He raised his head to look at what I was eating and wrinkled his nose. I think he was expecting me to smile the way I usually did when he scrunched his face up- that expression was adorable to me- but I had nothing to smile at him about right then.
He looked at me for a few seconds and very quietly said, "I'm scared, Chelle."
"So am I." I replied, swirling my fork around in the bowl.
"I'm sorry I've been a jerk.. I just didn't know what to say to you... and I didn't want to say the wrong thing.. although I don't think anything could have been much worse than what I said when you told me." he said, reaching across the table to take the fork out of my hand so I'd quit playing with it.
I glared at him and snatched my fork back, "You're right about that."
"I'm sorry about what I said... you just really caught me off guard..." He paused, and could tell I was about to jump on him again, and he continued before I had a chance, "But that's no excuse. I don't blame you for being mad.. I just wanted to tell you I was sorry."
He knew I would crumble, and I did- I started to cry. I couldn't stay mad at him, and this time I didn't want to- I wanted to have him by me- I needed to know he was there for me... that we were in this together.
He stood up and came around to my side of the table, kissed me on the cheek and knelt by my chair, slipping his arms around me. "I love you and we're going to figure all this out..."
I sniffed a few times, "You're okay with this now?"
He reached up to wipe the tears off my cheeks, and nodded. "It scares the hell out of me... but yeah.. I know you need me.. and I'm going to be here for you... I still love you... this little, uh, surprise, doesn't change that."
I silently sighed with relief. Maybe we would be alright.. maybe this would work somehow.
~~~~
I woke up in the afternoon in the exact place I wanted to be- Nick's bed with him holding me tightly. My beans had been abandoned in favor of sleep- something neither one of us had done very well recently. As soon as we'd gotten into bed, and I'd felt his arms come around me, could hear him breathing, I finally relaxed, felt safe and calm.
I lay and watched him sleep until he woke up on his own. I leaned down to kiss his forehead as his eyes fluttered opened, then squinted from the midday sun spilling into his room. "What time is it?" he asked, yawning.
"About three. I think we needed to sleep." I answered, laying my head on his chest.
"I know I did... I can't sleep when you're not laying here with me." he said softly.
God, he was too cute sometimes. I looked up at him, "So let's not spend anymore nights apart."
"I wish we didn't have to.. but I'm going to be gone alot here pretty soon, when we start on the new album." he said, slipping his fingers through my hair. "That's coming up pretty quick..."
"How long will that take?"
"Probably three or four months...this one has to kick ass..." he sighed. "When's.... the baby going to be here?"
"About then."
"About when?"
He was going to be gone. He wouldn't be around while I was pregnant and he probably wouldn't be here to see his child born. "If you go into the studio in pretty soon and work for four months.. you'll be done about right after the time Baby Carter should be here."
I saw the smile on his face when I said "Baby Carter" even though he tried to hide it. I smiled at him, "You like that don't you?"
He tried looking innocent, "Like what?"
"Having a baby... or at least, the idea that you're such a stud you got me pregnant." I giggled.
He gave me a little half-smile, "Yeah, I guess I do kind of like the idea..I mean, I have always wanted kids and a family.. this is a little sooner than I thought I'd be starting one, though.. but it's alright." He kissed the top of my head, "I'm glad... this happened with you. I guess I feel like my life is sort of.. stable enough or something now.. that I have you.. I think we'll be able to handle this."
I rolled over to lie on him, my head on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around me. "I love you."
"I love you, too." He hugged me and then gently pushed me off of him.
I scowled at him; I'd been perfectly comfortable where I was. I watched him move to lie on his side, and slip his hand under my nightshirt, to slide very slowly back and forth over my tummy. I sighed, I could definitely get used to this.
"You don't... feel any different." he said, and then pushed my shirt up to closely examine my stomach.
I laughed, "No, not yet. I'm only like, 10 or 11 weeks... just wait a little bit."
He bit his lip and looked like he was trying to remember something. "Ten weeks ago would have been..." He laughed, "I think ... I bet it was that night we went out to the movies."
I tried to think back and laughed, "Could have been!"
His hands slipped further up under my shirt, his fingers skimming over my breasts, which seemed to be beyond sensitive lately. I gasped loudly and shuddered as he very gently cupped my breasts.
He looked at me, "Damn... was that a hint or... what?"
"Those are very sensitive now..." I managed to say before moaning as he leaned down, his tongue floating over my nipples.
He looked up at me smiling, "I think they're a little bigger, too." He winked, "This is going to be fun."
I pulled my shirt back down, muttering, "Good god.. that is such a guy thing.. getting excited just because my boobs are bigger."
He laughed, "Sorry." He looked at me for a second and then asked, completely seriously, "We can, uh, still have sex, can't we? Like it won't hurt you or the baby?"
I shook my head, smiling- it was sweet he was concerned. "Sex is fine, until six weeks before my due date- or whenever I don't feel like doing it anymore."
"I bet the six weeks comes first." he said, leaning back down to kiss me.
I slipped my arms around his neck and kissed him back- relieved he seemed to be okay with everything, but wondering about the sudden change and what had caused it. Had Jana given him the ass kicking she'd promised? I'd been too tired to question him last night, so when he pulled away to catch his breath, I asked, "Why are you suddenly okay with all this now? I mean, you avoid me for almost a week, and now you're, like, fine with it..."
He lay down next to me and pulled me over to him. "I knew I was wrong, I knew it as soon as I'd said all that stuff and I knew I shouldn't have just left you.. but I didn't know what else to do. Then just staying in my room, I couldn't stop thinking about everything- mainly how much this scares me.. but I didn't want to admit that. But, like, when I saw you and Jana outside talking when you were crying on her shoulder- I knew that should have been me out there with you, and I wanted it to be.. but I figured you were probably mad and didn't want me around... so I waited until I couldn't take it anymore..."
I sighed, a little frustrated, but at least he had come to me. We still had to discuss him being gone around the time the baby was supposed to be here and him leaving me in the preceding months, but it didn't really seem like the time to do it.
~~~~~
A few days later, I had another doctor's appointment, which I was looking forward to, as opposed to dreading like I had the last one. I'd asked Nick to go with me- I'd been told I'd be having a sonogram this time, so I'd be able to see him or her then. I was sort of surprised when he immediately agreed, sounding almost anxious to go.
I was so glad he was there with me as the doctor checked me out, poking around on me, and then sliding the cold, slimy goo all over my stomach for the sonogram. I couldn't figure out exactly how I felt when I could see our baby on the monitor screen and hear the heartbeat. I was amazed and excited and a million other things, and I couldn't quite find words to express any of those feelings. But Nick managed to sum it up in one breathy whisper, "Whoa.... we did that..."
~~~~~~
"You about ready?" Jana asked, walking into the kitchen, looking at me standing at the counter reading and eating breakfast.
I nodded, unable to answer her with my mouth full.
"What are you reading?" she asked, coming over to where I was standing.
I swallowed, "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy; or Everything Your Doctor Won't Tell You".
"Ah-ha" she looked down at the empty pie plate in front of me, "Better question, what were you eating?"
"Lemon meringue pie."
"For breakfast??"
"Yes, and I enjoyed every bite!" I said, marking my place in the book and tossing the pie plate in the trash. "Now let's go!"
We got to the mall and headed straight for the Little Me store, fully prepared to "aaawwww" ourselves silly.
I went nuts immediately, gasping and giggling over the little flowered lacy dresses and tiny basketball outfits. My reactions to things related to me being pregnant never failed to surprise me. I'd spent most of my life thinking I didn't want kids, and then suddenly I find out I'm having one- and I realized it was something I'd probably wanted all along. I was happy now- knowing that I had Nick's support, and I could really enjoy everything- especially since the morning sickness seemed to be subsiding.
Jana came over to me, holding up a very small leopard print skirt. "This looks like perfect thing for you and Nick's kid." she laughed.
"That is SO CUTE!!" I squealed, taking it from her.
Jana shook her head, "I think I'm already afraid for this child- they'll be wearing wild clothes, getting pierced and tattooed... what are you going to do when he or she comes up to you and goes 'mom, dad, I want to get this pierced or that tattooed'?"
I had to laugh, here Jana was- already on a crusade to prevent body modification on my kid. "Probably ask them when they want to do it and take them to the studio!" I said. "It's not like Nick or I are really in a position to say no to something like that."
"Aunt Jana and Uncle Howie will just have try our best to be positive influences!"
"Aunt Jana and Uncle Howie will not be turning my child into a number-crunching business freak." I said, picking up an amazingly small pair of tennis shoes. "Look at these! They're so small! Perfect for a future basketball player!"
"Do you want a boy or a girl?" she asked.
I shrugged. "I really have no opinion either way. I mean, if it's a boy... hopefully he'll be a mini-Nick, which would be absolutely precious or if it's a girl... she'll be daddy's little princess, which would be absolutely adorable.. so either is fine by me."
She appeared to be considering what I'd told her and then asked, "I guess you two are doing okay now? It looks like you are."
"Yeah, we're doing really well. We've been talking about everything... like what we're going to do when they have to leave to record the album and names and all that... OH!! I didn't tell you!!! Extreme cuteness the other day... I was digging through his drawer to find a pair of his basketball shorts to swipe.. and I found a copy of "The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-be".. how cool is that???"
She smiled, "That is cool... I wouldn't have expected that."
"I didn't either.. I didn't tell him I found that.. but god that was so cute... I had to pounce on him for that one." I giggled.
"Howie told me Nick said you'd been really aggressive about sex lately." Jana laughed.
"I can't help it! I want sex, like, all the time now!" I said. I couldn't quite figure it out, but Nick seemed to like the way my body was changing- the slight swell of my tummy and my chest had definitely gotten bigger, which turned him on and that was good because I was ready to jump on him all the time.
"I don't think he was complaining!!" she said. "Though I don't see how you could really do it anymore than you usually do."
We shopped for a little while longer, finding a few super-cute things we both had to buy. I realized pretty fast that this kid was going to be spoiled beyond belief between Nick and I, and then Jana and our other friends.
We ended up in the food court of the mall, Jana grabbed Wendy's and I was munching on a Cinnabon roll, loving every calorie of it.
"So what are you guys going to do when they have to leave? Won't he still be working when the baby is supposed to be here?" she asked between bites.
I nodded. "Yeah, they'll probably be close to done, but not quite. He suggested I just go to LA with them, but I don't really like that idea. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do while he's in the studio all day? I'm not going to go exploring LA by myself!"
"I'd say I'd go with you, but I can't really just take off work like that." Jana said.
I smiled, "Yeah, I'd already thought about that."
"If you stay here though, I'll still be with you. I mean, I know it's not like having Nick, but it's better than being in some big, strange city, pretty much alone."
"I know. I won't leave... I'll just have to call him, like when I go into labor, yelling frantically that he has to get here NOW!!"
~~~~
I lay on the chaise lounge by the side of the pool, writing in my journal as Nick did some laps. I found myself wanting to be with him every second lately, almost like I was afraid to be away from him. I didn't know if it was just that I knew he'd be leaving or if some of those pregnancy-induced psycho-paranoid thoughts that I'd read about were beginning to get to me.
I'd noticed the other day when I was talking to Jana that I always talked about the future assuming that Nick and I would still be together. But what if we weren't? Just because I could see spending the rest of my life with him (and that scared me to death).. didn't necessarily mean that he could, even if he had told me he'd thought about us in the long-term before... it didn't mean that he'd like what he'd thought or that it was something he particularly wanted. We seemed to be doing fine for the time being, but something really had me worried about what could happen.
~~~~~~
I peeked into Nick's game room, to find him at the computer, printing something out and humming to himself. I recognized the tune he was humming and walked over to him, I put my arms around him and kissed his cheek, glancing at what he was reading on the screen. "You're looking up lullabies on-line?"
He turned to look at me, "Yeah.. I was trying to think of some the other day and I couldn't really remember any.. so I had to find the words to some. I gotta be able to sing to my kid."
I turned his chair around a little and sat down in his lap. "That's sweet."
"I just thought it'd be kind of nice." he replied, slipping one arm around me while his other hand rest on my tummy.
"It's very nice... and I'm jealous.. you don't even sing to me!" I teased.
Later that night when he came to bed, I was already asleep, but I woke up when I felt him slide into bed behind me, pulling me back to him. He kissed the back of my neck, and began singing very softly to me, "I just want to be here now... 'cause I am hanging on every word you say, but even if you don't want to speak tonight, that's alright with me.. 'cause I want nothing more than to stand outside your door and listen to you breathing... that's where I want to be." ("Breathing", Lifehouse)
~~~~
I went to work the next morning, humming the tune Nick had been singing when I fell asleep the night before. I couldn't get the smile off my face, despite the fact I was less than thrilled about going to work. I'd have much rather just stayed in bed with Nick all day, catnapping and cuddling.
The day at work seemed to be passing phenomenally slowly- which could have been due in part to the fact that I was working with Liz, whom I really do not like, or it could have been that I just felt disgusting. I'd become somewhat accustomed to not feeling great- I'd been told numerous times that for the first five months I'd feel icky alot, and then I'd feel really good for a month or so, and then I'd just be miserable and ready to not be pregnant anymore. Whenever I wasn't talking to a customer, I'd slink down into a chair and attempt to get the room to stop spinning and wishing the little cramps I'd been having would stop. I knew I must have looked pretty bad, too, Liz even asked if there was anything she could do for me. I said no- I thought my lunch must have not been agreeing with me.
In the middle of trying to sell a platinum anniversary band to a guy who'd forgotten his anniversary and was in the doghouse, I got a pain in my stomach sharp enough to bring tears to my eyes and doubled over, crumbling to the floor.
Liz and John, the store manager, both came rushing over, trying to get me up into the chair. The man I'd been trying to help said he'd think about the ring and practically ran out the door, while John reached for the phone, asking what to do and whom he should call.
The pain was getting worse, and it was all I could do to squeak out that he should try calling my home number; I just wanted Nick to come get me.
John couldn't find Nick at home or on his cell phone, and I was crying too hard to help him anymore. Liz got the idea to look in my personnel file for my emergency numbers- which happened to be Jana at work. I hated that they were going to call her, interrupt her working- but I knew she'd come and I just needed someone with me.
John frantically continued his phone calls- dialing for an ambulance and telling Liz to help me somehow. I crunched up as another intense wave of pain hit me, and I happened to look down, noticing there was blood streaking down my leg- I suddenly knew what was happening and then everything went black.
I woke up as I was being loaded into an ambulance and asked a million questions I really couldn't answer- I was too scared to think straight. Thankfully, the ride to the hospital was short, and I saw Jana on her cell phone running towards the door, as I was being taken inside.
Jana stayed by my side once they got me into a room, holding my hand, wiping the tears off my cheeks as I was told I'd miscarried and started gave me a long medical speech about what was going to happen in the next few hours- and I didn't hear a word he said. After he told me I'd lost the baby- I was just gone.
All I wanted was Nick. He'd been with Howie, who Jana had been on the phone with when I'd first seen her. She said she told Howie to come to the hospital immediately and to bring Nick and that they'd be here as soon as they could. I could hear him and Howie coming down the hall. Nick charged into the room looking terrified to begin with, and only looking more scared when he saw me. Jana squeezed my hand and went over to talk to them; I could hear her quietly telling them what had happened.
Nick stepped away from Jana as Howie went to give her a hug, and walked over toward me. I caught his gaze just as his tears were beginning to fall. In that moment I learned a thousand things about him I hadn't known and I saw exactly why I loved him so much. I knew he felt the same sadness I did, and even though I was completely broken, I felt more love for him right then than I ever had- because I knew he was really with me. And neither one of us was as strong as we thought we were... at least not without each other.