This is our ex-gaffa's player round up-- First up is Rob Elsey
Robert “Welsh Boy” Elsey.
Hello, as some of you might know my name is Richard Boyle, my role within the club is secretary and I feel privileged that Welsh Boy has given me this opportunity to write a report on players at my beloved club.
Well I start my reports off with the Welsh Boy himself Robert Elsey.
Rob arrived at our founder Club Big Hand Mo's or Athletico Mo's (say it really quickly and you'll see), on sheep back, see the Welsh can't afford Camels, he was the nearest thing to a foreigner we had, apart from Oz and we hadn't a fucking clue what planet he was on.
Well when Rob arrived I really didn't believe the “Sheep shagger” had ever played football in his life, basically he looked a striking resemblance to a Swansea City player!!!!
Well the season rolled on the Welsh one's skill improved, ever so much that we promoted him to a sub, mainly because of the death threats we were getting from Katie, well come on, I shit myself whenever she is around.
When the team changed to Aylesbury Argyle Rob decided that he really did need to start playing properly, I mean Bethany was starting to wonder if her dads real name was “You useless Welsh Twat”, so he gracefully and honorably took over the side, bang there you go, in the team every week.
We all know about Rob's temper, when he gets like a Welsh Dragon it usually involves a very long suspension!!! 123 days if I’m not mistaken Mr. Elsey!!!
So his suspension up, his fines paid by Katie and he was back.
All of a sudden family members started to appear and play as well, talk about family back up, Toby, then Buncie, Katie was really starting to get a grip of the Welsh mans nuts.
Rob plays in midfield as he calls it or as the rest of us know his placement
“where ever the fuck he wants too”, but can be a good player on his day and scores the odd cracker.
He especially enjoys the village games, they are more his sort of people, Ickford included where perhaps the best of the Welsh one came out, to be playing a game of football and hear in the broadest Welsh Accent “DO THAT AGAIN AND I'LL KILL YOU< YOU PRICK” is perhaps the funniest thing in the world, ah the good old days.
Last season was a particularly difficult season for the “GAFFER”, the team was struggling, grey hairs were popping in, he had been arrested for crowd violence, cou-twat-gh, and Katie was putting the Welsh ball and chain round his neck and making the poor, skinny Welsh Sheep shagger and getting married to him.
His management duties were getting too much so in stepped SUPER BOYLEY and his “! European Style of Management” and suddenly the results were looking up.
Was it that this Boylie was a wonder god or that Elsey showed as much Football knowledge as his thick as fuck scouce queer fat hero Lee Trundle.
As members of his stag do will confirm, Elsey loves Trundle so much that he wore a bolluck bruising thong. Not a pretty site apparently, aint that right maggot!!!!
Anyway the Wedding distracted him from team affairs; most of the team turned up to the wedding and had a great day, apart from Butler who can't remember shit.
Anyway this season had started brightly, nearly as brightly as the sun bouncing of Grandad Milesy's bald spot, but in the later weeks an ankle injury has put him on the injured list.
Rob, who has had more hairstyles than Beckham is a much loved member of the team, and loves playing village sides to see their flocks every now and again.
He will be an important member of the side, with a good engine (unlike his Discovery) and quick feet (all that dodge the sheep shit) he is a valuable member of the side and without his hard work we wouldn't have a team.
Cheers Welshy.
Robs Stats
Age 30 ish
Height- who cares
Weight- about as much as my left testicle
Build- he couldn't build a box
Appearances 150+ including (25 subs)
Goals- 40- claims every own goal going
International honors-
Welsh Caps 2- they were doing buy one get one free at JJB
Welsh Goals- to appear in a major championship
Honors
1 game for the Welsh Farmers society
Chris Payne Runner up 2004
123 day ban for threatening to “eat your children and burn your house down”