Scene Three

Scene Three

Through the blackout we hear a magnified sound of water dripping. The lights come up and we are in the splendid living room of the villa of ASCLEPIUS and his wife JULINKA. Wall decorations abound, and a water clock sits on the mantelpiece. JULINKA, a fairly attractive woman in her mid-30s, is by a small desk writing rapidly. ASCLEPIUS, slightly older and much less attractive, paces the room glancing at the clock.
ASCLEPIUS We did say thirty after three, didn’t we?

JULINKA

How many times do I have to tell you?

ASCLEPIUS

It’s fifty-five after three. He’s not coming.

JULINKA

So he’s not coming. How am I ever going to finish my book if you keep interrupting?

ASCLEPIUS

I’m sure he’s from Gaul. What fun he would have been! You know what they say about a tall Gaul’s balls. But he didn’t like my looks.

JULINKA

He never saw your looks. He only saw your hand.

ASCLEPIUS

                                        My hand---
                                        He hated my hand---
                                        It mustn’t look good---even from a distance.
                                        He was quite magnificent---
                                        And I thought he’d bring a little excitement
                                        Into my boring existence.

I haven’t been excited in twenty-four hours---
The situation is dire;
If dear old Nero were still alive---
At least he’d set things on fire.

                                        At the party last night,
                                        I got no kick
                                        From the fish or the goose;
                                        And I never got high
                                        On the poppy juice.
                                        And the dancers did nothing for me---
                                        Even their big bare breasts began to bore me.                     I haven’t been excited in twenty-four hours,
                    I feel like I’m a cadaver;
                    If we should move down to Pompeii now,
                    At least there’d be molten lava.
At the Coliseum,
I got no kick
From the mayhem in mud,
And you know how I love
Lots of guts and blood---
But even on close inspection,
I never got the tiniest erection.

I haven’t been excited in twenty-four hours---
I know I sound a bit jaded;
Sometimes I wake in the dead of night
And pray that Rome is invaded.

At the baths today,
I never got off
On the group I’d grope,
And the various things
I tried with the soap
While two Nubians caressed me
Gave me cramps and thoroughly depressed me.

I haven’t been excited in twenty-four hours,
I don’t believe in saying "when";
I haven’t been excited in twenty-four hours,
And I’ll never be excited again,
I’ll never be excited again.

(Without glancing up from her scroll, JULINKA reaches out next to her to what appears to be a dinner bell. Almost immediately FOUR MALE SLAVES and FOUR FEMALE SLAVES hurry on. They are of different races but all are handsome and well-built, as you would expect since Asclepius chose them. The handsomest is black, and his name is TITHAKA, but we'll hear more of him later.)
JULINKA

Excite him.

(To the tune of "I Haven’t Been Excited in Twenty-four Hours", the SLAVES begin a sensual ballet, first individually and then in pairs, simulating erotic sex in almost every conceivable position. But ASCLEPIUS’ reaction is one of indifference no matter how lascivious his servants get. Obviously he has seen it all too often in the past. At the end of the dance, there is an extended orgy between all eight players, THEY retire from the scene. ASCLEPIUS yawns. Then one of the MALE SLAVES reappears with CATALUNI, his satchel in hand. ASCLEPIUS perks up instantly. JULINKA drops her stylus.)
CATALUNI I hope it’s all right.

ASCLEPIUS

(staring at his crotch)
Oh, my dear boy, it couldn’t be better.

CATALUNI

My name is Cataluni.

ASCLEPIUS

I am Asclepius. And this is my wife, Julinka.

JULINKA

Dear, why don’t you take Cataluni into the atrium while I finish this chapter.

CATALUNI

(impressed)
You’re a writer!

ASCLEPIUS

My wife is writing the definitive biography of Caligula.

CATALUNI

The Emperor?

JULINKA

I want the world to know the real truth. That’s why I call my book The Real Caligula.

CATALUNI

Even in Gaul the stories about him---how he tried to make his horse the Consul, how his perversions and cruelty nearly brought the empire to its knees…

ASCLEPIUS

You’d better not say anything like that in this house…

JULINKA

Lies! They’re all lies!

CATALUNI

You mean the bestiality, the…

JULINKA

I should know what are lies and what are not! I’m his daughter!

CATALUNI

I thought his only child had her brains bashed in.

ASCLEPIUS

Julinka was not quite legitimate.

JULINKA

But he certainly treated me as though I were! The real Caligula
Was blessed by Mars
And blessed by Venus.
Don’t believe a word that was written
By Tacitus or Paulinus.
Both of them tried to demean us,
For they envied his power and his penis.

Oh, what a wonderful Dad he was,
Warm and witty and wise;
All those who tell you how mad he was
Are only repeating those lies!

Oh, what a wonderful pater, he!
Every promise he’d keep;
He’d govern all day and later, he
Would climb in my bed so I’d sleep.

A horse in the Senate!
A horse paramour!
A horse as the Consul!
It’s all horse manure.

How terrible that he’s spurned today,
His reputation is grim;
All of the values I’ve learned today
Are values I learned from him.

(SHE bursts into tears and cannot go on.)

CATALUNI

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.
(HE moves to her and stands over her. As SHE dries her tears, SHE reaches out and gropes him. ASCLEPIUS tiptoes behind him and seizes his ass. CATALUNI lets out an inadvertent yelp.)
CATALUNI I’m sorry. I’m not into threesomes.

ASCLEPIUS

How about elevensomes?
(ASCLEPIUS claps his hands, and instantly the EIGHT SLAVES reappear, grapple him to the ground, and with JULINKA and ASCLEPIUS jump on him. The music builds to a smashing climax. BLACKOUT. Then the lights come up and an exhausted CATALUNI is lying on the sofa surrounded by exotic dishes and TWO of the FEMALE SLAVES fanning him with ostrich feathers as though he were Cleopatra. ASCLEPIUS and JULINKA sit facing him from across the room, great smiles on their faces. CATALUNI looks exhausted.)
ASCLEPIUS It’s true what they say about Gaulists.

CATALUNI

I’ve got to go now…to the Coliseum.

JULINKA

At this hour? The last show is almost over.

CATALUNI

Oh, not to see the show. To sell my invention.

ASCLEPIUS

(eagerly)
A new kind of weapon to cut off someone’s balls?!
(CATALUNI shakes his head, opens his satchel and extracts his sweat suit. Lights dim, and a spot falls on him. The orchestra begins "It’s Disgusting!" as CATALUNI shows them the bathing suit and in pantomime points out the vials, show them how it would be worn, simulates a gladiator in combat and indicates how the sweat would fill up and then be auctioned off at the Coliseum grounds. When HE is finished, the lights come back up, and JULINKA claps her hands.)
JULINKA Delicious!

CATALUNI

You think it has a chance?

JULINKA

Absolutely! Don’t you, Asclepius?

ASCLEPIUS

I’d buy one myself if anyone wanted my sweat.

CATALUNI

The last person I showed this to thought it was disgusting.

JULINKA

Whatever is new and fresh, someone always thinks is disgusting.

CATALUNI

Someone stole my money in the Forum this morning. That’s why I’ve got to get to the Coliseum and see if they will want to buy it.

JULINKA

There is time enough for that. You will, of course, stay here.

CATALUNI

I will?

ASCLEPIUS

You won’t have to worry about a thing. You will have all the food you can eat, all the wine you can drink, all the exercise you will want…

CATALUNI

That’s awfully kind of you.

ASCLEPIUS

(kissing him full on the lips)
Think nothing of it.

(CATALUNI turns stage front, a look of terror on his face.)

BLACKOUT