Scene Two


In one, against a backdrop of a Roman street. CATALUNI and JOSEPHUS enter stage right.
 
CATALUNI
I still don’t understand. You say he’s a Samalite and you’re a Mamalite, and that there are also Shamalites and Bramalites and none of you speak to each other.

JOSEPHUS

You wanna place to stay or don’t you?

CATALUNI

Sure.

JOSEPHUS

Then just shut up and follow me.
  (FIVE SOLDIERS enter stage left, laughing and cavorting as if they have had too much to drink. THEY pass JOSEPHUS and CATALUNI, stare of the latter’s height, and exit stage right.)
 
JOSEPHUS
Did you see those soldiers? Did you see how they stared at me? As if they wanted to cut me up with their swords.

CATALUNI

I thought they were staring at me.

JOSEPHUS

Aw, what do you know!
  (The backdrop rises and we are in Josephus’ shabby pristine room. There is a straw mattress and what looks like a dilapidated trunk.)
 
JOSEPHUS
Someone’s been in this room!

CATALUNI

How do you know?

JOSEPHUS

I sense it. I feel it.

CATALUNI

But it doesn’t look like you’ve got anything to steal.

JOSEPHUS

Nothing to steal! Only my soul!

CATALUNI

What’s a soul?

JOSEPHUS

You’ve got a lot to learn.

CATALUNI

That’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m in Rome. My invention is going to make me wealthy and famous.

JOSEPHUS

Wealth! Fame! You think they give satisfaction? You shall learn when we go from meeting to meeting. The first one is this afternoon on the Viminal Hill. We will go from there to the meeting on the Quirinal Hill. Let me see something.
  (JOSEPHUS goes to Cataluni and lifts his tunic. Cataluni's back is to the audience so we cannot see.)
 
CATALUNI
What are you doing?
                                       (slapping Josephus' hand)
Leave that alone!

JOSEPHUS

That's got to go before you can become a convert.

CATALUNI

Who said anything about being a convert? Some people invited me to their villa, and then I must go to the Coliseum.

JOSEPHUS

The Coliseum!?
  (CATALUNI opens his satchel and extracts what looks like a modern man’s black Speedo bathing suit.)
 
JOSEPHUS
What in the name of the Lord is that?

CATALUNI

It‘s my invention for gladiators.

JOSEPHUS

For gladiators?

CATALUNI

For them to wear under their loincloths.
                                       (HE turns it inside out. There are eight vials sewn in.)
You see these? You know what they’re used for?

JOSEPHUS

I'd rather not know.

CATALUNI

They’re to collect their sweat.
                                        (JOSEPHUS regards him with disgust.)
Gladiator sweat is one of the most precious aphrodisiacs in the world today. I’m told people pay a fortune for it. This way it collects while they’re fighting in the arena. The sweat goes straight into these vials. I call it a sweat suit. So what do you think?

JOSEPHUS

                    It’s disgusting,
                    Disgusting!
                    Your head needs readjusting! Who would condone all that killing and maiming?
Who would condone all the sweat they collect?
I know that you would
And maybe a Jew would
But surely no member of a Christian sect!

It’s disgusting,
Disgusting,
All that mayhem and that lusting!
We Christians believe in decorum and virtue,
Forgiveness, forbearance and tolerance, too—
The Lord that we pray with
Will soon do away with
Bloodthirsty morons who are just like you.
 
CATALUNI
I resent that!

JOSEPHUS

Every slave---we must go and free ‘em---
We must see that they all go home;
We must torch every Coliseum
And do the same to each Hippodrome.
 
CATALUNI
You’re a fanatic!

JOSEPHUS

It’s disgusting,
Disgusting!
The Roman seams are busting!
You will only find what gentleness is worth
Once we meek inherit the earth!
And it will only happen the way it should                     The day you disgusting people are gone for good!
  (As HE reprises the chorus, CATALUNI collects his invention and his satchel and exits through the door. JOSEPHUS chases after him, still singing. But CATALUNI runs for his life. The backdrop falls, and HE is now on that Roman street. HE pulls out the scroll given to him by the couple in the sedan chair, checking the address. From the left, JOSEPHUS reappears.)
 
JOSEPHUS
It’s disgusting,
Disgusting!
The Roman seams are busting!
You will only find what gentleness is worth
Once us meek inherit the earth!
And it will only happen the way it should                     The day you disgusting people are gone for good!
  (CATALUNI regards him in abhorrence and flees stage right with JOSEPHUS still in pursuit, singing.)
 
 
BLACKOUT
 
 


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