Scene Twelve



 
 
 

We are inside a Book Store in the Argiletum. Painted on the backdrop are hundreds of books and scrolls lining the shelves. As the lights rise, JULINKA is sitting at a table center stage. On a smaller table to her left is a pile of scrolls which, we are to assume, contains her treatise, "The Real Caligula". ASCLEPIUS is pacing the floor. Outside we hear the sound of rain.
 
ASCLEPIUS
No one loves me.

JULINKA

Look at it come down. This would happen on the day of my scroll-signing.

ASCLEPIUS

No one’s ever loved me. If anyone pretends he loves me, it’s because they’re only after my money.

JULINKA

Will you stop that! Here I’m all anxiety-ridden about this book to which I’ve devoted my adult life, and all you can say is "nobody loves me".

ASCLEPIUS

Well, they don’t.

JULINKA

Everyone loves you.

ASCLEPIUS

Name two.

JULINKA

If you were dead, you’d see---you’d have hundreds of mourners.

ASCLEPIUS

That would be the day!

JULINKA

If you don’t shut up about it, that day will be sooner than you expected.
  (The door bursts open and a very wet CATALUNI rushes in carrying a very wet satchel.)
 
CATALUNI
You bastards! You stealing thieving pricks!

JULINKA

Don’t you dare touch me! Asclepius!

CATALUNI

You fucked me over while you were fucking me over!

JULINKA

What in the name of Mercury are you talking about?

CATALUNI

My sweat suit! You sold it to the Coliseum while my ass was turned!

JULINKA

Where on earth did you get such an absurd idea!

CATALUNI

From the gladiators. When I went to show it to them, they showed it to me! And they said they’d just got them!

JULINKA

Really, my dear fellow, do you think Asclepius and myself are capable of something so unconscionable…so underhanded…

ASCLEPIUS

And after all we did for you!

CATALUNI

Then how the fuck did it get from my satchel to their loin cloths?

ASCLEPIUS

You never loved me, either. You don’t love me now, do you?

JULINKA

There were eight slaves who all saw your stupid invention!

ASCLEPIUS

We were getting ahead,
I’ve really no doubt of it---
But you’re one person in bed
And another one out of it.


JULINKA

Will you be quiet!

ASCLEPIUS

What are we doing?
What the hell are we alive for?
Everything worth having
You must struggle and strive for.


CATALUNI

                                        (as Asclepius tries to touch him)
Get your ugly rotten hands off me!

ASCLEPIUS

You see, what did I tell you about how he hates my hands?

JULINKA

Eight slaves---two of them Nubian! You think you can trust a slave! How the hell long have you been in Rome?

ASCLEPIUS

You’re not trying hard enough to love me.
You’re not trying hard enough to fall.


CATALUNI

I don’t believe you. I went to your villa an hour after I’d been to the gladiator school. You had taken off for Populonia.

JULINKA

Nonsense. We never left the city.

CATALUNI

But that’s what your Nubian told me!

JULINKA

You’d trust a Nubian over one of the finest patrician families in the empire! Really, Cataluni. You’ve hurt me to the depths of my being.

ASCLEPIUS

I know
We were fated for each other,                     But you refuse
                    To see the writing on the wall.

JULINKA

Asclepius, will you shut up!

ASCLEPIUS

Oh, my darling, can’t you tell?
You’re all I’m thinking of!
We fit together, oh, so well---
Why be afraid of love?


CATALUNI

Music sure gets around quick in Rome.

JULINKA

                                          (rising)
Cataluni, you’ve brought me to the verge of tears. And nothing has done that since poor Daddy was knifed to death. Come give Julinka a big hug and tell her you’re sorry.

ASCLEPIUS

You’re not trying hard enough to show me
Emotions you’re fighting to conceal;


CATALUNI

I never thought of the slaves.

ASCLEPIUS

If you would only try as hard to love me,
You’d know
Exactly how I feel.
  (THEY both embrace him and make a grab for his ass.)


JULINKA

Now come here, my darling, and tell me everything you’ve been doing since those lovely days and nights at the villa.

CATALUNI

Well…I’ve fallen madly in love…

ASCLEPIUS

But not with me.

JULINKA

Oh how wonderful for you, my dearest!

CATALUNI

It’s not wonderful. She wants nothing to do with me.

ASCLEPIUS

She’s not trying hard enough to love you.

CATALUNI

I’ve already told her that.

JULINKA

What girl in her right mind would turn down someone who looks like you?

CATALUNI

A Vestal Virgin.

JULINKA

A what?!

CATALUNI

I’m afraid so.

JULINKA

But, my dear, if a Vestal Virgin even dares consider falling in love, the poor thing is buried alive.

CATALUNI

I know that. That’s why I invented this. (HE pulls out the long tube from his satchel.) You see. You drill a hole in the side of the coffin. You place this end in the coffin and the other end so that it will reach the top of the grave.
  (A spot falls on Julinka. SHE turns her head toward Asclepius. The spot zooms across the stage and settles on Asclepius’ benign face, then zooms back to Julinka.)
 
JULINKA
                                      (in her sweetest voice)
Show me again. (In pantomime, CATALUNI demonstrates how it would work as the tune of "You’re Not Trying Hard Enough to Love Me" drowns out his voice. Then JULINKA is also drowned out as the music continues. ASCLEPIUS’ expression gradually changes from benign to stupefied. The music stops abruptly.)
 
ASCLEPIUS
No! Never!

JULINKA

But you’re forever talking about how nobody loves you. This way you can see for yourself how wrong you are.

ASCLEPIUS

I’d rather not put it to the test.

JULINKA

You don’t trust Cataluni.

ASCLEPIUS

Not enough to seal myself in a coffin.

JULINKA

But Cataluni is a genius. Look at what he created for the gladiators. Why, his sweat suit is sweeping every arena in the Empire!

CATALUNI

It is???!!!

JULINKA

I feel just terrible that one of the servants stole it. Wait till I get back to the villa and confront them. I’ll get to the bottom of this on my father’s honor!

CATALUNI

Caligula’s honor?

JULINKA

Don’t dare cast aspersions on Daddy. Of course we’ll have to wait now until after Asclepius’ funeral.

ASCLEPIUS

Asclepius has no intention of dying!

JULINKA

Cataluni just told us he created this for his beloved Vestal Virgin. Do you think he would permit the woman he loves to actually be buried alive?

ASCLEPIUS

Then let her try it first.

JULINKA

Oh, Asclepius, you know how skittish Vestal Virgins are. All those years of doing nothing but sprinkling scared water on the sacred flame. It does something to their sense of adventure. But you, my darling, have always had such courage. You’ve never hesitated to grope whomever you wanted to grope no matter what the consequences.

ASCLEPIUS

That’s true.

JULINKA

And you know what a trend-setter you’ve always been. Why, you thought of sexual positions that haven’t been thought of since Gomorrah.

ASCLEPIUS

That’s true, too.

JULINKA

As sure as I’m standing here, once you do it, I bet hundreds of others will be trying it, too. Don’t you agree, Cataluni?

CATALUNI

Well, I was hoping…

JULINKA

Asclepius, listen to your dear beloved wife… Such a prank will be divine
When thousands come to weep at your shrine
While you recline so supine
And laurel wreaths adorn you.
Oh, what fun that day shall be!
While listening to your own eulogy---
Then, my darling, you shall see
How all of Rome shall mourn you!

And we’ll be with you
Every step of the way
Making sure
Your funeral’s very soigné.
Never worry,
Never fear,
Both of us
Will be right near.
We’ll be with you
Every step of the way
Making sure
The day is a mem’rable day.
When both of us
Are by your side,
You’ll never feel
You’ve really died.
It’s amazing
How you will soften
When you’re lying
In your coffin.
All misgivings you will then allay
Because we’ll be with you
Every step of the way.

 Cataluni, come! (Together THEY repeat the chorus as THEY dance about Asclepius.)


JULINKA & CATALUNI

We’ll be with you
Every step of the way
Making sure
Your funeral’s very soigné
Never worry,
Never fear,
Both of us
Will be right near.
We’ll be with you
Every step of the way
Making sure
The day is a mem’rable day.
When both of us
Are by your side,
You’ll never feel
You’ve really died.
It’s amazing
How you will soften
When you’re lying
In your coffin.
All misgivings you will then allay
Because we’ll be with you
Every step of the way.
 
  (ASCLEPIUS begins to succumb to their fondling him as they dance.)
 
 
LIGHTS DIM

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