AMO, AMAS, AMAT
 

ACT ONE
 

Scene One

 
  The show curtain is a rendering of the Forum in Rome in the First Century A.D. As the overture ends, CATALUNI enters from the right. He is tall, handsome, muscular and 20 years old. HE carries a satchel in his right hand. A great smile of awe and contentment illuminates his face as HE surveys the audience. Then the curtain rises, and we are in the heart of the Forum. The year is 88 A.D., and it is the reign of the Emperor Domitian. The stage is a blaze of activity. There are CITIZENS, ATHLETES, MERCHANTS, MONEY-CHANGERS, etc. A high-ranking LADY is being carried to the baths in a canopied litter held up by SLAVES. CATALUNI, who towers over everyone else, moves from place to place keenly observing every action. And the action is all in dance movements. Finally, HE stops and faces the audience.
 
CATALUNI
Growing up in Gaul, I always heard about Rome,
The greatest, grandest nation;
I believed every word about Rome,
And I must say it’s a sensation.
But I’ve only one reservation:

Heard of how they box and wrestle
And excel in every sport,
You cannot surpass
Their balls of brass---
But why is everyone so short?

Oh, the things they’ve built in Britain,
And the stuff they’ve built in Gaul!
All the hippodromes,
And palatial homes---
But why is everyone so small?

See them strut and parade
In their silver tunics with their golden belts!
I wonder if I’ll make the grade---
Now I am not the tallest
Gaulist
But I seem to tower over everyone else.

I’ve heard all about their orgies
And the ways that they cavort
And how you can screw
What appeals to you---
But why is everyone so short?
 

(During the latter part of the song, a SECOND CANOPIED LITTER carried by SLAVES enters from the right, only this time the curtains are drawn and we cannot see who is within. SLAVES stop and wait until he finishes his song. Then THEY move toward him. A slender feminine hand appears and hands him a parchment note. HE reads it aloud.)
 
CATALUNI
"Come to my villa third on the left in the Collis Viminalis at three this afternoon."
  (CATALUNI beams. But just as the litter is about to depart, SLAVES swing around to the opposite side. A very masculine hand sticks out from the curtains and hands him a second parchment note which HE also reads aloud.)
 
CATALUNI
"Make that three thirty."
  (HE beams as a CHILD approaches.)
 
CHILD
Hey, man, you a gladiator?

CATALUNI

No.

CHILD

You look like a gladiator.

CATALUNI

I’m an inventor. (HE proudly holds up his satchel.) Would you like to see my latest invention?
  (CHILD grimaces, turns abruptly and goes back to his mother. MAN WITH BEARD (JOSEPHUS) enters downstage left toting a small stand and a large box of scrolls which HE proceeds to set up. HE is short, thin and rather homely with intense eyes. HE is not much older than Cataluni, but appears to be considerably his senior.)
JOSEPHUS
Find your salvation! Salvation is here!
  (EVERYONE ignores him. JOSEPHUS tries to hand out a scroll to several passers-by, but THEY will have none of it. Suddenly HE spies Cataluni, motions him to come over, which CATALUNI willingly does.)
 
JOSEPHUS
Hey, you! Over here! Where you from?

CATALUNI

Gaul.

JOSEPHUS

I thought so. Just arrived, huh?

CATALUNI

Half an hour ago.

JOSEPHUS

Back home you worship the usual Jove, Juno, the lot?

CATALUNI

I was raised a Druid.

JOSEPHUS

That's just as bad. All them trees.                          (calling out, attracting SOME of the ONLOOKERS) Citizens! Come closer! Listen to what I have to say to this young Gaulist!
                                             (FIVE CITIZENS, TWO WOMEN and THREE MEN wander over.) Listen to me, young fellow,
You are new to this cesspool of degradation,
Soon you will see, young fellow,
There is only one path to true salvation.

Jove and Juno,
Mars, Minerva---
Their exploits are all absurd---
Those who swallow
The tales of Apollo
Have got to have the brains of a bird.
 

FIRST CITIZEN
How dare you!

JOSEPHUS

Neptune, Venus,
Diana, Pluto---
All they do is screw and sin---
To worship Cupid
Is shallow and stupid---
No wonder Rome’s in the state that it’s in!
 
SECOND CITIZEN
If you don’t like it here, go back where you came from!

JOSEPHUS

Any fornicator or slattern
Can purge himself in the temple of Saturn,
And leave those halls feeling perfectly swell;
But what never occurs to each transgressor
Is without the proper trained Confessor,
That transgressor
Is gonna fry in hell!
FOURTH CITIZEN
We don’t have to listen to this!

JOSEPHUS

Living up
On Mt. Olympus---
Folderol and applesauce---
To know what strife is,
The misery life is---
You have got to find the Man on the Cross,
You have got to find that Man on the Cross---
And you’ve got to find Him now!
Here I want you all to take one of these scrolls. It will explain to you the true path to salvation. And it gives the dates of our meetings for the next month.

SECOND CITIZEN

Get away from me!
  (THEY all refuse the scrolls as THEY begin to walk off, leaving behind A SINGLE ROMAN who loiters next to Cataluni. HE is very young and very short, the shortest citizen on the stage.)
 
FIFTH CITIZEN
It’s that newfangled religion. Whatdya call it?

FOURTH CITIZEN

There seems to be one in every forum.

FIRST CITIZEN

I wouldn’t mind it so much, but why can’t they leave our religion alone?

THIRD CITIZEN

Oh, it’s nothing to be concerned about. I went to one of those meetings. How can a religion which is all renunciation and rejection replace beautiful gods and passionate love stories?

SECOND CITIZEN

They ought to do what Nero did---throw people like that to the lions!

JOSEPHUS

You heard what that woman said! You heard that!

CATALUNI

You insulted their gods.

JOSEPHUS

Their gods? There is only one true God.

SHORT ROMAN

You can say that again!

JOSEPHUS

You hear that, Gaulist? Here’s a young fellow who has already found the path of enlightenment.

SHORT ROMAN

You can say that again.
JOSEPHUS
                                        (to Cataluni)
You look like you need a place to stay. Come stay with me, and I shall teach you the light of the Lord.

CATALUNI

                                        (indicating the purse around his wrist)
That is most kind of you, but I have enough money to find my own place while I am waiting for my invention to make me a wealthy citizen.

JOSEPHUS

You’d better put that away. You can’t trust a Roman as far as you can throw him.

SHORT ROMAN

You can say that again.

CATALUNI

Oh, I can take care of myself.
  (At that moment, SHORT ROMAN grabs the purse, snatches it off Cataluni’s wrist and dashes off stage right.)
 
CATALUNI
You bastard!
  (CATALUNI races off in pursuit. JOSEPHUS shrugs and returns to his scrolls. The music of "The Salvation Song" builds to a steady drum beat. From the left, CATALUNI reappears, obviously without his purse.)
 
JOSEPHUS
I knew he wasn’t one of ours. We Christians have an infallible instinct, because we are guided at all times by the will of Jesus.

CATALUNI

I think he let you down this time. At least he let me down.

JOSEPHUS

Never, never blaspheme!

CATALUNI

But I don’t know what I’m going to do. That was all the money I had.

JOSEPHUS

Though my lodgings are humble, I shall willingly share them with you. And I shall lead you to divine providence. I only hope you don’t snore.
  (During the above exchange, SECOND CHRISTIAN has entered from stage right also with a stand and scrolls, which HE sets up exactly as Josephus has. HE is much more the H. B. Warner kind of Christian we used to see in movies about Rome---dignified, soft-spoken, starry-eyed. HE ignores Josephus.)
 
SECOND CHRISTIAN
The Lord God awaits you! Find the path to true salvation!

JOSEPHUS

Don’t listen to that idiot!

CATALUNI

But isn’t he preaching the same as you?

JOSEPHUS

Not by a thousand denarii! He’s a rotten Samalite!

CATALUNI

But aren’t you a Samalite, too?

JOSEPHUS

Boy, you don’t know nothing.

CATALUNI

What are you then?

JOSEPHUS

A Mamalite, of course!
 
 

BLACKOUT
 


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