Scene Four


The beautiful, richly appointed dining room of the headquarters of the Vestal Virgins. FIVE Virgins we saw briefly in Act One are seated at an elegant table. The oldest of them is the MOTHER SUPERIOR, who sits on the left of the head occupied by the Pontifex Maximus, who, of course, is HELVIDIUS.
 
 
MOTHER SUPERIOR
We see so little of you these days, your eminence.

HELVIDIUS

The Senate, you know. The burden of helping our beloved Emperor control the entire Empire is a heavy one.

FIRST VIRGIN

You heard about the murder, of course?

HELVIDIUS

Which one?

SECOND VIRGIN

Asclepius.

HELVIDIUS

You mean the one who's married to that madwoman who tells everyone how wonderful Caligula really was?

FIRST VIRGIN

None other.

HELVIDIUS

Oh, one of my slaves started to tell me while I was dressing.

THIRD VIRGIN

Then you know about the stud from Gaul with the breath machine?

HELVIDIUS

(suddenly concerned) What stud from Gaul? What breath machine?
  (HE stops suddenly as CRISTELLE enters from the right leading CATALUNI by the hand.)
 
CRISTELLE
Listen, everyone! I want you to meet dear Lickerania.
  (CATALUNI tries to hide his face from Helvidius, who stares in amazement.)
 
CRISTELLE
Lickerania is an Exchange Vestal Virgin from Cappadocia.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

What on earth is an Exchange Vestal Virgin?

CRISTELLE

It's all the rage, I'm told. We are exchanging Vestal Virgins all over the Empire so that we can see how the other half worships. Isn't that right, Lickerania?

CATALUNI

It's the latest thing.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Nonsense.

CRISTELLE

But, Mother Superior. Lickerania is here so that one of us can go to Cappadocia.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

I've never heard of any such thing!

CATALUNI

Then the message from our Mother Superior must not have reached you yet. You know the Assyrian mails.

CRISTELLE

(to Helvidius) What do you think, your eminence?

HELVIDIUS

                                      (confused)
I think Lickerania reminds me of someone.

CRISTELLE

I've never seen a woman who reminds me of Lickerania.

HELVIDIUS

It wasn't a woman. Come, Lickerania. Sit next to me. (MOTHER SUPERIOR relinquishes her place to Cataluni, who sits obediently still trying to avert his head. HELVIDIUS grabs his chin.) You wouldn't perchance have a brother from Gaul?

CATALUNI

Oh, dear, I wouldn't know. I seem to have brothers all over the Empire. My father was a traveling anchovy salesman.

HELVIDIUS

A lot of denarii in anchovies.

CATALUNI

Lots of heartburn, too.
  (HE begins to laugh at this, and the OTHERS join him.)


CRISTELLE

I'm sure Lickerania reminds you of a man because she's so large. And you know how she got that large? Tell them, Lickerania.

CATALUNI

Oh, I couldn't.

CRISTELLE

Lickerania drinks the sacred water.

ALL THE VIRGINS

What?

HELVIDIUS

The way things are going, nothing would surprise me.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

You actually drink the sacred water?

CATALUNI

In Rome you drink wine,
In Gaul they drink beer,
And I'm told the Carthaginians drink both;
Though they may taste fine,
It's perfectly clear,
Both will stunt your growth.

But in Cappadocia---
We drink the sacred water
From the sacred spring---
And we grow, grow, grow.
VESTAL VIRGINS
They drink the sacred water
From the sacred spring,
And they grow, grow, grow. (CATALUNI is now on his feet and so are the VIRGINS, all beginning to dance. Soon HELVIDIUS joins them.)
CATALUNI
It makes us so ferocious,
No brute would dare approach us---
For we drink the sacred water
From the sacred spring,
And we grow, grow, grow.

That sacred spring
Was created by a divinity---
So that we can
Protect our virginity.

We drink the sacred water
From the sacred spring.
And we glow, glow, glow.

VESTAL VIRGINS & HELVIDIUS
They drink the sacred water
From the sacred spring,
And they glow, glow, glow.
CATALUNI
The Gods don't overlook us
When someone grabs your tuccus---
For we drink the sacred water
From the sacred spring,
And we glow, glow, glow.
Don'tcha know, know, know---
How we grow, grow, grow. (The dance is a wild one in which CATALUNI demonstrates how going to the sacred spring and drinking the water turned him from a small girl to a huge woman. The VIRGINS are taking an enormous delight in this, and HELVIDIUS is taking the most delight. HE cannot stop staring at CATALUNI. THEY all wind up twirling like whirling dervishes. On the final note, HELVIDIUS grabs his ass hard. CATALUNI lets out a shriek.)
 
 
 
LIGHTS DIM
 


1