Ranma 1/2: The Magical Mystery Hibiki Tour

by Jaelle and Orla

***

The characters in this story are the property of Rumiko
Takahashi-sama. We prostrate ourselves at her feet and beg her
forgiveness for our temerity in using these characters. We're
not worthy! We're not worthy!

The other characters are copyright to Yukie Nasu and Pioneer
LDC.

C & C is welcome (although we don't like flames!). You can
contact us at either: ladyorla@yahoo.com or jaelle@ihug.co.nz

For more of our fanfiction visit our site 'Insane Musings'at:
http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~jaelle/Jaelle_Orla.htm

***

This story occurs four years after Ranma 1/2 volume 38.

***

Part 8

"Okay!" Ukyou leapt onto the bus. "Is everyone here?"

"Yes!" yelled the group back at her.

"Sugoi!" Ukyou turned, "Okay Ryoga, let's go... Ryoga?"

The drivers seat was empty.

"Oh no!" cried Akane.

Ranma laughed. "What a moron... He got lost!"

Ukyou twitched, *I'm really going to kill him this time*.

"Should we go look for him?" asked Suka. "He can't have
gotten far."

The Nerima crowd erupted into hysterical laughter.

"Oh you'd be _amazed_ at how far pig-boy can go," wheezed
Ranma.

"Who're you calling a pig?" Ryoga loomed over Ranma.

"Ryoga-kun," cried Kiyone. "Where did you come from?"

Ryoga straightened. "I was upstairs, sorting some stuff
out."

"That's a relief," said Akane.

"Yeah, we thought you'd gotten lost," said Mikado.

"Again," muttered Ranma.

Akane elbowed him in the ribs. Ryoga was about to say
something when Ukyou tapped him on the shoulder. "Can
we get going?"

"Uh... hai hai." Ryoga got into the drivers seat. Ukyou
took her place beside him.

"So where are we going?" he asked her.

Ukyou consulted her notes. "We're taking the coastal
route via Shaoxing, and then we go on to Hong Kong."
She smiled. "I thought the coastal route sounded more
attractive."

Ryoga nodded. "Probably." He started the engine and the
bus rolled out of the parking lot.

Ten minutes later it rolled back in.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Konatsu jumped off the bus. "I'm sure I
can find it."

Ukyou rolled her eyes. "I can't believe he forgot his
make-up case."

"I can't believe he _has_ a make-up case," muttered
Ryoga.

***

About an hour into the trip, Ukyou noticed heads beginning
to nod off. *We need something to make the trip more
interesting,* she thought. *Hmmmm...* She looked at the
stereo/karaoke machine at her feet. A truly evil smile
spread across her face.

[Translated version of the music that blasted into
everyone's dreams]:

"I'm sorry, I'm not gentle
I can say it in my dreams
My thoughts are about to short circuit
I want to be with you right now
The moonlight makes me want to cry
I can't even call, it's midnight
But I'm so innocent, what should I do
My heart's a kaleidoscope
We are lead by the light of the moon
We meet by chance again and again
The countless shining stars above us foretell love's
whereabouts
Born on the same Earth
A miracle romance

Just one more weekend together
God, please give us a happy end
In the present, past, and future
I'll always be in love with you
When we first met, that so very dear
Glance you gave, I'll never forget
From the millions of stars in the sky, I can find you
Changing coincidences into chances, I love this way
of life

A wondrous miracle approaches us
We meet by chance again and again
The countless shining stars above us foretell love's
whereabouts
Born on the same Earth
A miracle romance
I do believe in that, a miracle romance"

"Oh no, not _that_," said Ranma.

"Hey, I love this song!" said Akane.

[Western readers might recognise the tune with its
alternate translation. It starts like this: "Fighting
evil by moonlight..." now do you understand?]

Ryoga groaned and tugged his bandanna down over his
ears. Konatsu chirpily sang along with the chorus
and most of the others began to join in (not wholly
of their own will - that is a _terribly_ catchy tune).

"Yay! Go everyone!" yelled Ukyou, grabbing the
microphone, she began to sing along, exhorting the
others to join in and occasionally leaning in close
to someone to share the mike. This was a great deal
of fun, but an unfortunate decision, as it meant
that it was not until much later that she noticed...

"Where in the world are we???!!!"

"What?"

"YOU IDIOT!!!!!!" *SMASH*

***

While Ryoga nursed his sore head and everyone else
stretched their legs outside, Ukyou pored over a map.

"Great, we missed the turnoff to Shaoxing and now
we're going on the _overland_ route."

"Does that mean we're hopelessly lost?" asked Mikado,
reading the map over her shoulder.

"No, I can find the way. It just won't be as pretty."

"I like the view right here," Mikado grinned.

*Oh _please_*, thought Ryoga.

"Hentai!" *WHAM*

*Heh, saw that one coming a mile off.*

"Well, you didn't screw up _too_ badly Ryoga," Ukyou
grumbled. "I suppose I should be grateful that we're
not in Russia."

"It's not so bad there. As long as you remember that
the clear stuff in the cans is more likely to be
vodka than lemonade."

"Oooookay." Ukyou folded the map back up. "From now on,
you _listen_ to me."

"Uhhh... excuse me." Ryoga's eyebrows shot up. "But
_you_ were the one singing ALL the lyrics to the Sailor
Moon vocal collection. Volumes 1 AND 2!"

Ukyou blushed. "Ooops."

"Oops? That's all you have to say? You hit me with a
SPATULA!" Ryoga looked at her incredulously. Ukyou
couldn't help herself. She giggled. Ryoga goggled at
her and she laughed harder. Eventually he caught the
bug and started laughing too. The rest of the group
smiled to see them getting along so well.

***

Shampoo yawned. They _must_ get here sooner or later.
She wondered if she should maybe go back to one of the
towns on the itinery. At least it would be something
new. Sigh. Her eyes drooped and she went back to sleep,
patiently awaiting her beloved's arrival.

***

"Welcome to Zhangzhou!" Ukyou announced. "We will be
stopping here for the night, as soon as we can find
somewhere to _stay_."

"If we can just find some camping ground we can just
sleep on the bus," Ryoga pointed out. "That _is_ what
we designed it for. That _is_ what we spent THREE nights
working on."

Ukyou nodded. "Look, there's a bar up ahead. We'll ask
in there."

Ryoga nodded and pulled the bus over. Ukyou looked at
the bar. It did not look like a particularly respectable
establishment. In fact, it looked like the sort of place
that cockroaches went to when they were slumming. But
still, it was a bar, and therefore would hold knowledge.
Albeit drunken, incomprehensible knowledge, but still.

"Come on lost boy," she said. "Time for you to do your
universal translator bit."

"Where do you think we are?" Ryoga asked. "Deep Space 9?"

"No, but it wouldn't surprise me if we wound up there."
said Ukyou. "Move it."

Inside the bar, they found it was everything it looked to
be and more. Ukyou prodded Ryoga. "Ask the bartender if
he knows of a camping ground round here."

Ryoga looked at the bartender. He took in the missing
fingers and eye, the tattoos, and the tattered singlet.

"<Hey. Gimmee a beer and some info!>" he snarled. "<Or
I'll break you in half!>" He snapped a barstool for
emphasis. Ukyou was aghast. "Ryoga! I don't want to
pay for that!"

"Shhh..." said Ryoga. "Just sit down and keep quiet.
Trust me." He heartily wished that he'd left Ukyou in
the bus. Or that he'd at least got her to bring her
spatula. He decided to up the meanness factor by
about 20 per cent to compensate. The bartender took in
his muscular form, slitted eyes and fangs and slid him
a glass of beer. Ryoga downed it all in one gulp,
almost gagging. It might have been beer. Then again, it
might not. Best not to think about it. He tried to think
of worse things he had eaten... roots, berries... Akane's
cooking... pigslop...

"<Whaddaya wanna know?>"

Ukyou watched as Ryoga leaned over and argued with the
bartender. She wrinkled her nose as a gust of dry, dusty
air swept the accumulated stench of the room her way.
Bleurgh! She tried not to touch anything. Next to her,
a fat man turned and looked her over, then slung his
arm over her.

Ryoga turned away from the bartender in time to catch
this, and the man's question. "<Hey *&))(&#%, wanna
come home with me and (*&#% #*$&(# @$(&Y#)???>"

Ukyou looked at him, trying to get out from under his
arm. "What?"

"<Hey! It's a [derogatory racial comment, derogatory
sexual comment]! [Expletive], I hear they [disgusting
anatomical description] really [expletive] well!>"

Ryoga's fist clenched. Ukyou was struggling, trying
to get free. "What did you say?" she asked. The man
leaned in closer. "On second thoughts, I don't want to
know! AAAAHHH!!! Get AWAY from me!" she began to panic.
The man leaned in even closer for a kiss. His face
encountered Ryoga's fist.

Ryoga gripped Ukyou's shoulder and dragged her out from
underneath the man's putrid prescence, pushing her
behind him. "<What did you call my woman?!>" he yelled,
grateful for once that Ukyou couldn't understand a word
he was saying. "<I'll make you EAT those words you
[expletive expletive anatomical description expletive!]>"

The man got up, he was very big. "<You wanna piece of
me?>"

"<Bring it on fat man>", Ryoga yelled. Ukyou tugged at his
shoulder. "Ryoga, if we've got the information we need,
let's just leave!"

"Can't," Ryoga whispered to her. "This guy's not going to
leave us alone now. Just let me handle it. Now SHUT UP!"

"But I don't want you to get hurt," Ukyou protested.

"Against this guy? I don't think so." Ryoga snarled.
"<Let's go!>"

The bartender slammed a fist down on the bar. "<No
fighting in the bar! If you got the energy, you can
do this fight properly, or answer to me!>" In
response Ryoga rolled up his right arm sleeve. The
other man followed suit.

"What's going on," whispered Ukyou.

"<Agreed!>" said Ryoga. "<We'll arm wrestle for the woman!>"
"We're going to settle this debate with a nonviolent
arm wrestling match." he told Ukyou.

"Oh... good..."

***

Ukyou walked on to the bus.

"Geez you guys took a long time," said Miya. "We thought
you were getting drunk again."

"We were about to come in and see what was going on," said
Akane. Ryoga walked in behind Ukyou and silently sent a
prayer of thankfulness up to the gods.

"Oh, Ryoga got into an argument with some drunk guy."
said Ukyou. Ryoga's eyebrows met his hairline. *ME??!!!!*

"Was it okay?" asked Ranma.

"Yeah," said Ukyou. "It turned out the guy was both drunk
AND stupid."

"Huh?"

"He challenged Ryoga to an arm wrestling match."

Ranma snickered. "Bet he's regretting it now." Ryoga
grinned maliciously, remembering the satisfying crunch
of broken fingers. "You could say that," he agreed. He
flexed his fist. "Ouch!"

"Don't tell me you got hurt arm wrestling?" Ranma asked
in disbelief.

"No, I got a splinter in my hand when I smashed his fist
through the table," Ryoga replied. "Does anyone have a
pair of tweezers."

"I do!" said Konatsu. Ryoga looked at the proffered items.

"Those are eyelash curlers."

"Oops, wrong things. Here you go." A pair of pink tweezers
were handed to him.

"Thanks..." *I think*.

"Anyway, we got directions. Mikado, take the drivers seat!"
Ukyou made a few orders and they were once more underway.
Ryoga sat down next to Ranma, who looked at him narrowly.
"Why do I have a feeling you're not telling us something?"

"Who?" asked Ryoga wearily. "Me?"

***

After arriving at the camping grounds, the group ate dinner
(okonomiyaki - shock, horror) and then sat around for a bit,
before Konatsu brightly asked if they could listen to music
again. This turned into a karaoke party somehow, and
everyone flipped through books trying to find the perfect
song.

"Hey Ryoga, sing this song." Ukyou hissed. Ryoga looked
at the song. "Eeewww... it's a sappy love song. And
furthermore, it's _another_ Sailor Moon one!"

"You have something against Sailor Moon?"

Ryoga choked back the bile. "In a word, yes!"

"Oh come on, Akane will love it. If you sing it, and
look at her soulfully in that pathetic, puppy dog way that
you do she'll melt!" *After all, _I_ think he looks
pretty cute when he does that, _I'd_ melt.*

"Oh thank you!" said Ryoga, snarling a bit more than he
intended. Could this day get much worse?

Apparently yes, as Ukyou eventually prevailed. Blushing
furiously, he stood up to sing, staring at Akane as he
did so. Unfortunately, he was so embarrassed at singing
this song (which was also rather notably out of his
vocal range) that he couldn't look at her for long and
instead looked appealingly for help to Ukyou. Thus
giving everybody the wrong idea.

[Translated lyrics follow]

"Ever since I first met you
I've been shining in my heart
My love causes so much sorrow
I broke off my glance so quietly

Your insignificant gestures
And your ordinary words
Every time I think of them
I feel like I'm going to cry

Love brings a lonely lonely heart
I'm just all alone now
Lonely lonely heart
All the joy and pain I feel, I'm always
Dreaming it by myself
Love brings a lonely lonely heart"

"Awwww... that's so cute!" said Ranma.

"Just shut up!" snapped Ryoga. Who then sat and sulked
in the corner.

"My turn!" yelled Ukyou. Snatching the microphone, she
turned to Ranma and sang.

[Translated lyrics, duh]

"Hey, when you fall in love,
Does everyone become this lonely?
Hey, are you embracing this pain
That is deeper than the darkness?
Everything is there for these two people,
So they can shine.
Surely...

It is you, it is you that I love,
My heart is gazing at you.
It is you, it is you I believe in,
Even in the cold night."

"That's a nice song," said Akane. "Hey, sing 'Tuxedo
Mirage' with me Ukyou!"

A sweat drop trickled down Ukyou's hair. *They didn't
even _pay attention_ to the words!*

"O...okay Akane-chan," she said, laughing.

***

Finally, it was Ranma's turn. With a grin he began
to sing 'Swinging on a Star'. Although not everyone
understood all the English words, they enjoyed the
tune and all was well and good. Until he got to the
second verse.

"So would you like to swing on a star,
Carry moonbeams home in a jar,
And be better off than you are,

... Or would you rather be a pig?"

Ryoga started and glared at Ranma.

Ranma grinned viciously and leant into the microphone.

"A pig is an animal with dirt on his face,
His shoes are a terrible disgrace,
He's got no manners when he eats his food,
He's fat and lazy and extremely rude!"

The spoon in Ryoga's hand bent into interesting shapes. *Why
that arrogant... HE'S got a nerve... who's he calling FAT!!!
Why I oughtta...* he thought, ki pouring off him in waves.

Ranma smiled and continued singing the song,

"But if you don't care a feather or a fig,
You may grow up to be a pig!
Or would you like to swing on a star..."

"Uh, Ryoga..." Ukyou allowed herself a small amount of panic.
The expression on Ryoga's face was nothing short of murderous.
"Calm down! He's just trying to upset you!"

"It's... working..." grated Ryoga. Fires ignited in his eyes.
"Kisama..."

"Not inside!" she hissed.

"Argh!"

"Control... control..."

"Ukyou." Ryoga stood up and dropped the crumpled remains of
the spoon onto the table. "I know that you're trying to help
me. And I appreciate it. I really do. I am now going outside
for a moment. I don't suggest you follow me."

He attached a piece of number eight fencing wire to his
finger and walked out the front door, leaving the wire to
unravel behind him. Ukyou watched him go and turned back to
the karaoke.

***

Next morning:

"That's funny." said Mikado. "There's no lake on the map
here. Must be new."

Ukyou and Ranma looked out the bus window at the rubble
they were passing and the new lake. It was fairly large.
They both sweatdropped and looked at Ryoga, who was
sleeping on one of the seats.

"Uh, Ranchan..." said Ukyou.

"... maybe I should be nice to Ryoga today." said Ranma.

"Good call."

***

At lunchtime, as Ranma and Ryoga wolfed down the
okonomiyaki (everyone else having pleaded not being
hungry) Ukyou watched her partner in crime. She kept
going over the events of the previous day in her mind.
*There must have been more going on at that bar. It's
not like Ryoga to initiate a fight... unless it's with
Ranma... I wonder what that guy was saying... I know it
was pretty insulting, but it can't have been _that_
bad. On the other hand, Ryoga _did_ break all his
fingers during the armwrestling, and it's not like
him to act that violently (unless it's with Ranma).
He must have overreacted... Hee... that's kind of
cute! Him trying to protect me and all.* She
smiled at Ryoga.

*What is she grinning at me for? Sense of impending
doom. Maybe she's happy, after all, she does have
Ranma here almost literally eating out of her hand
(man he's got NO manners!). I wish she wouldn't
smile like that... it makes me nervous. She's never
this nice to me. Wait a minute, she is smiling
nicely... at _me_. What did I do? How can I repeat
it? Dammit, she's so _cute_ like that!*

Oblivious to the thoughts and tension around him,
Ranma continued to eat, finishing the last bite he said,
"That was delicious, wasn't it Ryoga. Can I have another
one Ucchan?"

"What?" said Ukyou.

"What?" said Ryoga.

Ranma looked at both of them. "What?" he asked.

***

Song Credits:

Moonlight Legend (Moonlight Densetsu) - Sailor Moon
We Want To Be Ourselves (Watashi-tachi ni Naritakute) -
Sailor Moon
I Don't Need A Promise (Yakusoku wa Iranai) - Vision of
Escaflowne
Singing on A Star - Johnny Burke and Jimmy van Heusen 

 

Chapter 9

Index