Ranma 1/2: The Magical Mystery Hibiki Tour

by Jaelle and Orla
***

The characters in this story are the property of Rumiko
Takahashi-sama. We prostrate ourselves at her feet and beg her
forgiveness for our temerity in using these characters. We're
not worthy! We're not worthy!

The other characters are copyright to Yukie Nasu and Pioneer
LDC.

Hikaru Kazeten belongs to us. But we're willing to swap.

C & C is welcome (although we don't like flames!). You can
contact us at either: ladyorla@yahoo.com or jaelle@ihug.co.nz

For more of our fanfiction visit our site 'Insane Musings'at:
http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~jaelle/Jaelle_Orla.htm

***

This story occurs four years after Ranma 1/2 volume 38.

***

Part 24

***

Ukyou glared at Kazeten through slitted eyes and crouched,
spatula raised and ready for combat. *You won't get away
with this,* she thought. *I'm going to take you apart you
jerk!*

Kazeten smiled at her arrogantly and drew himself into a
fighting pose. "Last chance to walk away and live," he
told her. "It would be such a pity to snuff out such a cute
girl like you."

Ukyou's mouth snarled as she picked up the unspoken 'little'
between cute and girl. "The same to you," she said. "I'd hate
to waste all that plastic surgery!"

"Good one Ucchan!" Ryoga yelled.

"Shut up Hibiki!" Kazeten yelled. "Just for that peasant girl,
I'll mess you up so badly your own boyfriend won't be able to
recognise you!"

And with that, the battle was joined.

Spatula shone and flashed through the air as Ukyou threw a
handful of smaller ones to distract Kazeten. He deflected them
with ease and blocked her kick, returning it with one of his
own. Ukyou rolled with the blow, absorbing much of its impact,
but still feeling a bruise begin to form on her hip.

"Heh, not so confident now are you?" Kazeten sneered.

"You're a fine one to talk about overconfidence!" Ukyou
retorted. "Flour bomb!"

Kazeten was enveloped in a choking white fog, and with the small
explosions going off around him he was disoriented enough that
Ukyou's spatula sideswipe got in under his guard. Unfortunately,
she was not swift enough in pulling back and he grabbed the
spatula, twisting it out of her hands.

Ukyou landed back on the ground, rubbing her hands against her
trousers. She checked her bandolier and found herself almost
out of throwing spatulas. Kazeten landed across from her and
grinned, then snapped her spatula in two and callously flung
the pieces away.

Ukyou snarled, "That was a family heirloom!" She picked up a
rock and threw it at him. Again, Kazeten deflected it.

"Is this what you degenerate to? A small child flinging rocks
at a mighty samurai."

"You're no samurai!" yelled Ukyou. "You're nothing but a... a
... a... JACKASS!!!!" she sprang to her feet and threw herself
at Kazeten. He was unprepared for her attack and she got in
a savage kidney punch. Kazeten reeled back, face contorted in
pain and rage.

"You're going to regret that," he hissed. "HAAAA!!!!"

Ukyou pulled away from his punch. Kazeten then let the knife
in his hand come up and he sliced open her arm on the return.

"Aaaiiieee!" Ukyou grabbed her arm and tried to hold the
wound closed. "You cheater!"

Ryoga let loose a wordless bellow of rage and redoubled his
efforts at breaking free.

"Heh," said Kazeten. "Now I finish this - lightning fists!"

Ukyou reeled back as a combination of punches and ki hit her.
She stumbled back, unaware of her precarious position. Behind
her, the cliff ledge ended. Kazeten bared his teeth and laid
on even more wicked blows. Ukyou's head snapped back as one
landed on her cheek and she had just enough time to take in the
dangerous situation when her foot stepped back and encountered
thin air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHH!!!!!!!!!" she screamed as she fell.

"UCCCCHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!" the cry tore itself out from the
depths of Ryoga's heart and screamed its way up his throat.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Muscles bunched against titanium restraints... and broke free.

***

Ranma looked up at the cry. Their group was almost to the top of
the hill. He recognised Ryoga's voice. Then he felt a familiar
disturbance in the ki. As though a single voice had cried out
once and then been silenced.

"Everyone... get DOWN!" he yelled.

***

Eyes blazing with hatred, Ryoga took in the sight of his mortal
enemy standing at the cliff edge and laughing! His world narrowed
to a single focus.

"SHI..."

Kazeten peered carefully down the cliff face attempting to
see through the mist. He had triumphed.

"SHI..."

He frowned and turned, "How did you get loose?"

"HOOO-KOOO-DAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!!!!!!!"

FOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOM
MMMM!!!

***

Ranma and the others covered their heads as massive pieces of
rock showered down around them. *I don't want to die!!* he
thought inside.

At last, there was a brief calm.

"What the HELL was THAT??!!!" demanded Kiyone.

"That was Ryoga's ultimate technique - the shi shi hokodan."
replied Akane.

"It WAS??? It's much bigger than last time! I thought it was
a large nuclear explosion." *Or a small experiment of Washu's*,
thought Kiyone.

"We better get up there! His ki energy will be pretty much
drained after that." said Mousse.

"More than that..." said Ranma. "We better go up there and
find out what happened to Ucchan."

"Huh?" said Shampoo.

"Think about it, Ryoga would NEVER use that powerful a blast
if someone he cared about was near. So where's Ucchan?"

***

Ukyou Kuonji lay on her back and wished she was dead. *Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Owowowowowowowowoowowowowowowowow!* She felt
herself gingerly for injuries, then stopped when she
realised that most of the pain was from her sprained wrist
and her cut arm. She opened her eyes and confusion flickered
over her face.

She was lying about a metre down from the cliff edge, on a
narrow outcropping which had been invisible in the mist.
The mist was now gone, as was most of the cliff, but these
were not the inexplicable things.

*Why,* wondered Ukyou. *Is Kazeten flying through the air.*
She watched him go. It was quite a distance. Even Akane on
her best days could never have matched that sort of speed
or trajectory. That was really going to hurt when he landed.

Slowly, she sat up. Carefully she unlatched her bandolier
and wrapped it around and around her wrist to brace it. Then
she pulled the ribbon out of her hair to wrap around her
wound.

*Hmmmm... lemme see. I was fighting Kazeten, then I fell.
He was sneering, man I hope Ryoga beats the crap out of him.
Ryoga... Oh my god, RYOGA!*

"RYOGA!" Ukyou jumped up, using that traditional martial arts
technique which defies gravity and ran to the top of what
used to be the hilltop. It was now considerably lower, and
there was a huge crater in the middle.

"RYOGA!" Ukyou raced down into the crater. At the very bottom
she found Ryoga, unconcious. "RYOGA!" she threw herself down
beside him and gently lifted his head into her lap. "Ryoga?"
she asked questioningly. Tears dripped down her face.

"No! No! No! RYOGA!!!!"

Ryoga stirred slightly in his dreams. *No fair, even in my
dreams I'm injured? Ow... pain... hurts... What the heck is
that noise???*

"Ryoga! Ryoga don't you dare be dead! You're not allowed to
be dead dammit I didn't give you permission! I FORBID you to
be dead. Wake up... wake up..." Ukyou shook him. "Come on,
wake up. Wake up and say 'where am I now?' WAKE UP DAMN
YOU!!!!"

Ryoga cracked open an eye. "Nrgh..." he managed coherently.

"*Gasp* Ryoga? RYOGA!" Ukyou let go of his head. It tumbled
off her lap and thumped into the rock ground.

"Ittaiii..." Ryoga moaned. "Haven't I been punished enough?"

"You're alive!"

"Oh. Good." Ryoga managed. He tried to get up. "So are you."
he thought about this. "I thought you were dead."

"Nope," said Ukyou, grinning maniacally.

"Oh. Good." Ryoga sat up. "Are you MMMMPPPHHH!!!!"

Ukyou grabbed him and gave him the biggest kiss he'd ever
received from anyone.

"Mmmm... mmmm? MMMMMMM!!!!" Ryoga's arms waved frantically and
he began to turn blue.

"Ucchan... Ucchan you have to get off him. UKYOU! LET THE MAN
BREATHE!" Ranma hollered in her ears. "Somebody help me get
her off him."

With a sound much like a suction cup being ripped away
Ukyou's lips parted from Ryoga's. Ryoga promptly toppled back
to the floor.

"I don't think he's breathing," said Kiyone. "We may have to
give him mouth to mouth resuscitation."

"I volunteer!" yelled Ukyou.

"NO!!!" Ranma handed her to Akane and reached down to shake
Ryoga's shoulder. "Hey... Ryoga... hey... here piggy piggy
piggy."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PIG?!!" demanded Ryoga. "Oh my GOD
I hurt all over!"

Everyone laughed. Eventually they all got themselves sorted
out and began to head back to the bus.

"Shampoo wondering... what happen to violent maniac boy??"
asked Shampoo.

***

"....aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
HHHHHHH!!!!!!"

*SPLASH*

"Oh, too bad sir..."

***

The battered band made up of the Nerima crowd and Kiyone
limped back to the bus. On the way they passed piles of
goons, Ryoga's eyes widened.

"Where did Kazeten get all these people?" he asked.

Konatsu handed him a card. "We found this on one." he said.

Ryoga read the card. "'Worldwide Goons Inc. You supply the
target and we'll supply you with the body. No job too large.
Special discount for groups.' What the...?"

Ranma, who was supporting him, nodded. "Yup, out of all these
guys only fourteen belonged to the Kazeten school. Rather
pathetic, ne?"

"I'll say." said Ukyou who was leaning on Akane. "Oh well,
it's over now, we can get on the bus and... oh my God."

The bus was... totalled. It was twisted into an odd shape
and all the windows were broken. Heaps of goons lay around
it and on the top were sitting Nabiki, Godai, Mikado, Miya
and Suka. They all looked rather shaken, but not stirred.

"The... bus... it's..."

"Shampoo say it dead." Shampoo observed. Mousse put a hand
over her mouth. "Shhhh!"

"What happened?!" Akane asked as the others got down from
their perch.

"Well..." Godai achemed. "It was a rather fraught battle.
Ummmm... there were a lot of goons and..."

"You _killed_ the bus! MY bus!" wailed Ukyou. Then she
turned on Mikado and grabbed him by the throat. "What did
you _do_ to it?!!!"

"ME?!" Mikado protested. "I was just trying to drive AWAY!
Then that nutcase over there started using this ray-gun!
All hell broke loose!"

All eyes turned to Nabiki who sweatdropped slightly.

Kiyone walked towards her. "Nabiki," she said. "my gun?"

Nabiki slowly pulled out Kiyone's gun. "Uh... I used a
higher setting than you had it on before." she confessed.

Everyone now stared at Kiyone. "What kinda weapon _is_
that?" Mousse asked.

"Is it like the yoyo?" Konatsu asked.

"The WHAT???" Miya cried.

Kiyone licked her lips. "Ummmm... Nabiki, give me the
gun, please."

"Sure." Nabiki made no move to return it, instead she eyed
the green-haired woman suspiciously. "Just as soon as you
tell me, us, _who_ you are, I thought you said you were
a cop."

Kiyone sweatdropped. "Well... I _am_ a cop, just a alien
one."

Jaws dropped around her. Kiyone fidgeted slightly. "I...
uh... belong to the Galaxy Police Force. I'm currently
stationed on Earth."

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "So, you have a spaceship then?"

"Sure, it's just being repaired now. My stupid partner
crashed it into the rings of Saturn."

"Ooookay." said Suka, he shook his head. "This is too weird."

"I would almost agree with you." said Nabiki, then she smiled
at Kiyone. "But I've lived in Nerima too long to be phased
by stuff like this." she handed the gun back to Kiyone.

Kiyone smiled back. "Thanks, Nabiki."

Godai shrugged. "Well, that answers that."

"Yeah, I thought she was Sukeban Deka or something cool like
that." sighed Konatsu in disappointment.

"Shampoo no think this is big deal."

"After all, there was that incident with that girl in the
tiger striped bikini a couple of years back." said Akane.
"This isn't too new."

"She had green hair too, didn't she?" asked Ranma.

Kiyone shook her head and laughed. *Why couldn't I live with
this lot instead of the mayhem at the Shrine?*

"This is all very well," said Ukyou. "But we have a problem."

"Yeah." said Ryoga. "How are we going to get back to Japan?"

Mousse looked at the bus. "Yes, I don't think we'll get far
in _that_."

***

"Just a little further... just a liiiiittle further..." Ryoga
coaxed. "Just a liiiiiiiiittle...."

The bus gave a coughing gasp and died. Everyone got out and
gathered around it in silence.

"Well," said Mousse. "At least it got us back into a town."

*Sniff* "It was such a good little bus... always so kind and
reliable and waaaaaahhh!!!!" Konatsu wailed.

Mikado's eyes trembled. "Ah... such a sweet-hearted girl.
Allow me to comfort you." He reached for Konatsu.

*Eeep!* thought everyone else.

"Mmmmmm..." Mikado kissed Konatsu. Konatsu stood stock
still much like a rock, eyes wide in denial. Finally, Mikado
parted from him. He flipped his fringe. "Feel better?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Konatsu fled into the buses kitchen, gargling sounds soon
emitted from it.

"Ah, how sweet," said Mikado.

Ryoga turned around. "Geez Mikado, before we went on this
trip I'd never realised that you were gay."

"Huh?" said Mikado.

"But ever since I've met you you've done nothing but kiss
boys."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about 'the pig-tailed one'..."

Mikado scowled. "That was once!"

"Then there was Tsubasa. You know, the one that came out of
a pot plant."

"What about her?"

"You mean, what about him?"

Mikado stared at Ryoga. "You're kidding. But he looked so...
so..."

"We know," said Ukyou, Ranma and Akane.

"And now poor sweet Konatsu," said Ryoga. "You've really
shattered his world."

"His??" Mikado's eyes bugged out. Behind him, Konatsu
stepped back off the bus. "Didn't you know?" he asked.
"Check it out!"

Konatsu opened his blouse and revealed a very muscled and
manly chest.

Mikado stared at Konatsu. "You... you're a... a..."

"One hundred per cent man," said Konatsu. "I was just
raised as a girl."

"And continue to act like one," Ranma muttered.

"I... I kissed... THREE MEN???!!!" Mikado screamed.
"AGH!" he zoomed into the bus' kitchen.

"I wouldn't do that sugar!" Ukyou yelled. "The bus looks like
it's about to..."

BOOM

"Collapse. Oops."

***

After Mikado had been dragged free from the wreckage and
arrangements had been made with the local scrap metal
merchant to dispose of the remains of the bus...

"No Ukyou, you may not give it an honorable burial."

"*Sob* My baby!"

"Oh man. Don't worry Ucchan, we'll have lots of babies,"
said Ryoga.

"But none of them will be like this one!" Ukyou wailed.

Everyone sweatdropped.

"Well I certainly HOPE not," said Ryoga.

The group sat round a table at the train station and waited
for the train to Shanghai.

"Well... it was a good run while it lasted," said Kiyone.

"Yeah, it was definitely the best holiday _I've_ ever had,"
said Suka.

"It's just a pity it had to end this way." said Ranma. "So
what will you two do now that your tour business is out of
business?"

"I don't know," said Ukyou. "I guess go back to Ucchans
and..." she trailed off suddenly as a look of horror crossed
her face. "Oh NO!!!"

"What's the matter dear?" Nabiki inquired with an evil grin.
"Don't tell me you didn't break even?"

"We would have broken even," Ukyou said. "If the bus hadn't
died, but now no way did we make enough to pay back your
loan."

"How sad," purred Nabiki.

"Hang on, hang on!" said Akane. "What's going on?"

"Well, I had to borrow some money from Nabiki." explained
Ukyou. "And I had to secure the loan with _something_ so..."

"Oh no, you didn't..." said Ranma.

Ukyou nodded.

"Nabiki," protested Akane. "You can't just take the
restaurant and throw Ukyou out on the street!"

"I wasn't going to," said Nabiki. "I need a good cook at
the restaurant. I'm sure we can work out a fair contract."

Tears filled Ukyou's eyes. It was over, it was all over.
The only thing she could truly call her own now was Ryoga's
love. Even all her spatulas were gone - destroyed in all the
fighting. Ryoga put an arm around her shoulders. "Don't
worry Ucchan," he said. "I told you at the start you could
have my money and I meant it!"

"Sure," said Ranma. "Like you have a lot of cash."

"Cash no... but I do have all these plastic things which the
banks tell me are worth something." With that, Ryoga pulled
his wallet out and flipped it open. Credit cards spilled all
over the table. The group stared at them. The cards glinted
golden in the light. Nabiki picked one up. "American Express...
Visa... Mastercard... Bank of Hongkong... Bank of New
Zealand... Midland Bank... Bank of Siberia... Tarak Nor Bank...
Ryoga... where did you GET ALL OF THESE???!!!"

Ryoga shrugged. "Wherever I was working I'd always get them
to pay me half in cash and half into a local bank - that way,
I wouldn't be bothered carrying around lots of cash. You
should see my coin collection at home. It was getting silly.
And the banks all gave me these."

Nabiki grabbed a handful of the golden cards. "You don't mind
if I just check the balances of these do you?"

"Go ahead," Ryoga waved with one hand. Ukyou was hanging onto
the other arm, hyperventilating.

Nabiki made a couple of calls and then hung up, a stunned
expression on her face. "Ryoga... if I weren't married...
I'd... You have..." the figure she named was fairly
astronomical. "And that's just in these few cards."

"So it's enough to pay you back and save Ucchans?" Ryoga
asked anxiously.

"Oh yeah." Nabiki was in shock. "I can't believe it."

"I can't believe it either! Oh RYOGA!" Ukyou grabbed him.

"Not agai...MMMMMMMM!!!"

Everyone politely looked away.

***

The surprise solvency of Ryoga meant the group bumped
themselves up to first class on the train. Ukyou busied
herself with sorting out his assets, after an inquiry
to Ryoga resulted in a shrug and a comment of "Martial
artists don't worry about that sort of thing."

Ukyou nailed him with a glare. "Yes honey, but we're going
to have to think about these things if we're going to
get _married_."

"Oh yeah," said Ryoga. "I forgot about that. What can I do?"

"Tell me how much this sum translates to in yen," Ukyou
answered.

"Hmmm..."

***

In the next compartment, Shampoo and Mousse were talking.

"And so..." said Mousse, wrapping up his carefully prepared
argument. "_That_ is why we shouldn't obey the stupid Amazon
Law and get married."

"Okay," said Shampoo.

"Now don't... what?"

"Okay," said Shampoo. "<If you don't want to get married, we
won't get married.>"

Mousse let out a breath. "Ummm... okay. Well then, I guess
this will be goodbye."

"Why?"

"Because... you're going back to Japan and I have a career
in Hong Kong to get back to?" Mousse guessed.

Shampoo raised an eyebrow. "<But I'm not going back to Japan.>"

"<Then, you're going back to the village?>"

"<Nope, I'm coming with you to Hong Kong.>" Shampoo grinned
at him. "<Somebody has to protect you from all those stupid
girls after all.>"

Mousse looked at her hard. "<This won't change anything,>" he
warned. "<I'm still angry with you.>"

Shampoo shrugged. "We see."

***

"So how about getting married at Yokohama?" asked Ryoga.

"Huh?" Ukyou came back down to planet earth. "What?"

"Mawwiage." said Ryoga. "Mawwiage is what bwings us here
togever, today..."

"What???!!!"

"Yokohama," said Ryoga patiently. "Wedding. Us. Marriage.
Married. Fancy white dresses. Cake. BIIIIIG party. You like
yes?"

"I... I... I..." Ukyou thought. She thought of her father
and his casual hints over the phone of how he'd like to see
grandchildren someday... She thought about Ranma and Akane.
Then she thought about Nerima. About all their friends and
enemies and the ways they would undoubtedly screw it all up
if they went back unmarried.

"What a good idea," she said. "Just one thing... you never
proposed to me."

"Yes I did, I even bought you a ring!" Ryoga was insulted.

"But you didn't, you know, get down on your knees and _ask_
me with a flowery romantic incredibly mushy sappy poem or
something," said Ukyou plaintively.

"Are you sure you want that?" Ryoga asked.

"Yes!"

"Okaaay." Ryoga got down on one knee. "Oh Ukyou, most
rapturest light of my life. Will you take this most
unworthy one as your husband, protector, provider, and sex
toy? I would gladly dedicate my soul to your happiness, and
pray that you will... I can't stand it anymore." he stood up
and grabbed her face in his hands.

"Marry me wench," he said, and kissed her ferociously.

A few hours later, when Ukyou had got her breath back, she
accepted his proposal.

to be continued

Chapter 25

Index