Ranma 1/2: The Magical Mystery Hibiki Tour

by Jaelle and Orla
***

The characters in this story are the property of Rumiko
Takahashi-sama. We prostrate ourselves at her feet and beg her
forgiveness for our temerity in using these characters. We're
not worthy! We're not worthy!

The other characters are copyright to Yukie Nasu and Pioneer
LDC.

Hikaru Kazeten belongs to us.

C & C is welcome (although we don't like flames!). You can
contact us at either: ladyorla@yahoo.com or jaelle@ihug.co.nz

For more of our fanfiction visit our site 'Insane Musings'at:
http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~jaelle/Jaelle_Orla.htm

***

This story occurs four years after Ranma 1/2 volume 38.

***

Part 22

***

"Oh hell!" Ryoga repeated. "I know that voice."

"Ryoga-chan! I finally found you!" a cute girls voice piped
out across the clearing. "Ryoga-chaaaaaaaOOOF!"

Ukyou glared at the girl who was staring at her spatula.
"And who," she asked icily, "the hell are YOU??!!"

The girl transferred her gaze to Ukyou. "Excuse me please
sir," she said. "I'm trying to get to my Ryoga-chan!"

Ukyou fumed, taking in the girls pretty dress, her pretty
long loose hair, her pretty smile, her pretty... pig?

"I'm a girl! And what makes you think he's _your_
Ryoga-chan?" Ukyou demanded. "He happens to be MY Ryoga...
er, chan."

The girl looked at her, shocked. "Oh no! I never thought
Ryoga-chan could be so... did you say you were a girl?"

"YES!"

"OH, well that's alright." the girl looked beyond her.
"Ryoga-chan! Ryoga-chan! Why don't you come over here?"

"Sure," Ryoga called. "Just as soon as you go away."

Ranma snorted with laughter. "Hey, I thought you said you
two were finished?"

"We _are_ finished," Ryoga said grimly. "Very very VERY
finished!"

"She doesn't seem to see it that way," Ranma pointed out,
and indeed the girl was speaking again.

"How can you say that? I understand that you were upset when
you left... but when you didn't turn up again I got worried."
her lip trembled

"Akari!" Ryoga yelled in exasperation. "I told you - it's
over!"

Akari waved a hand. "I know you said that, but I thought
you were just upset over that incident with the fire hose."

Ryoga groaned, "Don't remind me."

"I told you, it was an accident!"

Ukyou's eyebrows had disappeared into her hairline.

"Just like it was an accident with the fourteen buckets of
water, eighteen water pistols, three sprinkler systems and
a watering can," said Ryoga sarcastically. "I told you, I'm
not your toy!"

A single tear dripped down Akari's face. "But Ryoga-chan,
I'm here to get you back."

"Over my dead body," Ryoga muttered.

"Don't blame her man, she's just trying to bring home the
bacon," said Ranma.

"You shut up!" Ryoga snarled. "Ohh... I did not want to have
to deal with this again!" He stalked over to Akari and Ukyou
and brushed the spatula away.

"Ryoga-chan," said Ukyou sweetly. "Who is this girl? And if
you say she's your fiancee, I will not be held responsible for
the consequences!"

"Far from," said Ryoga. "Ukyou, my girlfriend, please meet
Akari, my extremely EX girlfriend."

Akari stared from him to Ukyou. "Girlfriend?" she faltered.

Ukyou looked hard at Ryoga. "_Ex_ girlfriend?"

"Yup."

"_Really_ ex-girlfriend... Not girlfriend I got lost wandering
away from, not girlfriend I stole her fathers food cart, not
girlfriend I defeated her in combat."

"Ah... well... not her."

Ukyou rolled her eyes.

"I _did_ defeat her sumo pig though," said Ryoga.

"Her... what????"

"Sumo pig - there's the little porker now." Ryoga pointed.

Ukyou looked at the large pig standing behind Akari.

"Aiya! That's a lot of okonomiyaki toppings!" she said.

"How COULD you???" Akari demanded. "Don't tell me - she
eats PORK!!!"

"I don't eat it sugar, I COOK it," Ukyou snarled. "And I'm
a little short on supplies right now!"

Akari looked at Ryoga, who nodded in confirmation. "She does
cook pork - although I'm trying to get her to stop for
personal reasons."

"But... how could you go out with someone like THAT??" Akari
sobbed.

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??!!!"

"Maybe because SHE likes me when I'm NOT a PIG!!!" Ryoga
yelled.

"Umm..." said Ranma. "You do realise that Akane's standing
right here, don't you... P-chan?"

Ryoga's face was a study of horror. More than anything, he
resembled the picture, "The Scream".

"A...a...a...Akane?"

"Don't let him psyche you out," said Akane. "Of course I
know you're P-chan."

"..."

"Oh, sorry about that Ryoga-honey, I forgot to mention it."
said Ukyou. "She told me last night."

"Me too," added Ranma.

"And me."

"Yeah, me too."

"I was as surprised as you are."

"Yeah."

Ryoga turned. "You... You ALL KNEW???!!!"

Nods from all around.

"And nobody TOLD ME???!!!"

"Oh come on Ryoga," said Akane. "Compared to some of the
things you got up to, in the revenge stakes this is very
small potatoes."

"Er... true. Guess I can't argue with that," said Ryoga.
"Does this mean I get to live."

Akane smiled.

"Ummm..." said Akari. "We're dealing with a romantic
problem here. Obviously my Ryoga-chan has been seduced by
this... flat-chested woman."

"That's not true!" yelled Ukyou.

"That's right," said Ryoga. "She's NOT flat-chested."

There was a pause. "I just objected to the wrong part of
that sentence didn't I?" Ryoga asked.

"Ohhhhhh yeah..."

"NOT that I'm not flattered," said Ukyou. "But I'd rather
you kept these observations private." A thought occured to
her. "Very private... as in, in our bedroom, in our bed."

Akari went bright red. "You slept with HER... ???"

*Uh oh,* thought Ryoga.

"But you refused ME???!!!"

Ukyou smirked. Then suddenly frowned. "Waaaaait a second
here."

"Anyway," said Ryoga. "Moving right along. Akari, it's
over. VERY over. I told you so. I wrote you letters! I
telephoned! I sent faxes! I sent EMAILS!! I set up a WEBSITE!!!
I did everything but skywrite it over your house, and believe
me I was tempted... that IT IS OVER!!!! I am not your Ryoga-
chan! I never WAS your STUPID Ryoga-chan! I must have been
insane to even go out on a single date with you. PLEASE,
remove yourself from my life!"

Akari thought for a moment. "So, does this mean we're on a
break?"

"AAAAARGH!" Ryoga slapped his hand against his head. "You
see what I'm up against." he appealed to Ukyou.

"But you defeated Katsunishiki!" Akari said. "My father said
only those who can defeat him are worthy to be my husband."

"Ukyou pleeeease," Ryoga said. "You're a girl. Help me!"

Ukyou nodded. "So," she said to Akari. "Let me get this
straight. Only those who defeat Katsunishiki the sumo pig
are worthy of you."

"That's right," said Akari.

"What if a _girl_ defeated Katsunishiki?"

"Uhhh..." Akari sweatdropped.

"To be more specific," Ukyou unlimbered a chopping knife.
"What if a girl defeated Katsunishiki, chopped him up and
ATE HIM FOR LUNCH??!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Akari took off
like a rocket, dragging her beloved pig as she went.

Ryoga closed his eyes and breathed again. "_Thank_ you!"

Ukyou smiled. "Now," she said menacingly, "There aren't
any others like that are there?"

"Oh no," said Ryoga. "None."

"Good. Then you get to live."

*Gulp*.

***

The group had dispersed to see to various wounds and repairs.

"The bus appears to be alright, we should be able to keep
going." Mikado reported.

"Ah, Ukyou-sama will be happy," said Konatsu. He went over
to Akane. "How is Shampoo?" he asked.

"Very unconcious," said Akane. She looked up at Mousse. "You
hit her pretty hard."

A pained expression crept over Mousse's face. "I had to."

"Oh, so you didn't even enjoy it a _little_ bit?" Akane
teased. A small smile flitted across Mousses' mouth.

"_You_ defeated Shampoo?" Ranma came up to them. "I thought
Kazeten got her!"

"She was trying to interfere in Ryoga's fight," said Mousse.
"I _had_ to stop her."

"But Mousse!" Ranma was practically jumping up and down with
excitement. "Can't you see? This means you've won! You beat
Shampoo! According to Amazon law, that means she has to marry
_you_." Ranma had a huge grin on his face. "I'm free!" he
crowed.

Mousse shook his head. "I don't care about the law!" he
yelled. "I don't want Shampoo!"

Shampoo opened her eyes at this point and heard Mousse's
words.

"Shampoo!" Akane leaned forward. "Are you alright?"

Shampoo ignored her and stared at Mousse. "Mousse not
_want_ Shampoo?" she asked, confused.

Mousse glanced down at her, then looked away. "That's right.
I want nothing to do with you!"

Shampoo blinked and touched the back of her head. "Mousse...
Mousse _hit_ Shampoo!" she murmured increduously.

"I warned you." he said. "I told you not to interfer. I _had_
to stop you."

Shampoo rubbed her head. "Mousse... Amazon law say..."

"Mousse is your new airen!" said Ranma cheerfully. "Great, ne?"

Shampoo groaned. "No! No!"

"Don't worry." Mousse spat. "I'm not going to hold you to it,
Shampoo. You're free to do as you please."

Shampoo sat up abruptly, then she slumped back as dizziness
threatened to overwhelm her. A flicker of concern flared in
Mousse's eyes, but it died at her next words.

"Shampoo have to follow law." she said. "Great Grandmother say
so."

"Cologne would be happy to break the world if it meant that you
didn't have to marry me!"

She glanced up at him. "What you mean?"

"Cologne wants a _strong_ son-in-law, a perfect specimen of
martial arts prowess." Mousse waved a hand at Ranma. "And here's
Saotome... strong, relatively good-looking, a good martial
artist etc etc... Never mind that he turns into a girl half the
time and has no brains. At least he's not defective, his kids
won't be _blind_!"

"What d'ya mean no brains!" Ranma yelled.

Akane shushed him. "Mousse..." she began.

"Actually Mousse, I think you're looking at it in the wrong
way." said Ukyou who had come in at the end of his tirade. She
was carrying a first aid case with which she'd been treating
Ryoga.

Mousse frowned. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"You should be dumping Shampoo because of _her_ defects,"
said Ukyou. "She's a brainless, ungrateful bimbo while you
are an intelligent, generous man."

Shampoo lept to her feet, anger overriding discomfort.
"Spatula-girl take back insult!" she cried. "Or Shampoo kill!"

Ukyou dropped the first aid kit and pulled out her spatula.
"Ready when you are." she said sweetly.

A hand held her spatula back. Ukyou turned. "Ryoga?"

"Didn't you say no fighting on the bus?" he asked mildly.

Ukyou flushed faintly. "I..."

Ryoga looked at Shampoo. "If you want to take on Ukyou,"
he said to her. "You take on me as well. And I don't think
you could take us _both_ down!"

Shampoo tossed her head. "Two against Shampoo? No problem,
Mousse aid Shampoo like always."

"Ha!" Mousse laughed. "Not likely. Mousse will sit back and
watch you get your backside kicked."

Shampoo stared at him. "Mousse really hate Shampoo..." she
whispered. Then, suddenly, tears welled up in her eyes.
"<So stupid, Mu Shu.>" she ran upstairs sobbing.

Mousse blinked. "That was unexpected." he said.

Ukyou put down her spatula. "Don't feel too bad sugar." she
said. "Shampoo deserves a bit of tough love."

Ryoga smiled. "That was very perceptive, Ucchan. And here
I thought you hated her."

"I do hate her." said Ukyou. "I hope she really suffers."
she walked to the front of the bus.

Mousse and Ryoga exchanged glances and shrugged. This was
one battle they had no intention of interfering in.

Soon the bus was on it's way, heading for the nearest town
for refuelling.

***

"So where are we?" Mikado asked.

"Nanchang." said Mousse, he peered furtively out of the
window. "Damn, there's a poster of me in that CD store."

*Splash!*

"Wak!" Mousse glared up at Shampoo who was standing over
him with a glass of water in her hand.

"You safer this way." she said picking up the indignant
duck. "<I'll make sure the giggling hordes don't mow you
down.>"

Ryoga grinned as he overheard this. "I think Mousse is
getting to her." he murmured to Ranma.

"Finally." Ranma muttered back. Then he smiled at Ryoga.
"Ya know, Ryoga, I've gotta thank you for this whole tour
thing."

"Nani?"

"Well, I'm losing all my problems... extra fiancees, rivals,
everything... and it's all thanks to you and Ucchan."

Ryoga laughed. "Well, it didn't intend to end up that way!"

Ranma nodded. "I figured." he said. "It was another break-up
plot, ne?"

"Uhhh..."

"Chill man." Ranma reassured him. "I'm not going to get mad,'
after all, it failed, so it doesn't matter _what_ your
original intentions were."

Ryoga grinned. A fragment of memory stirred in him, Ukyou's
assurances about the outcome of the tour. *'I promise that
we will both return married to the ones we love.'*

"Oh, I wouldn't say it failed... much."

"Ryoga!" Miya hailed him. "Ukyou wants you to help her with
the hotel!"

"Hai." Ryoga got up and went down to the front of the bus
where Ukyou was sitting at her usual seat looking cross. She
held up the cellphone (Nabiki's) to him. "The stupid man on
the other end keeps babbling in Chinese... I can't make out
a word, well, not much anyway."

Ryoga checked to see that Shampoo was not paying attention,
she was seated at the far end of the bus, still holding Mousse
and talking to Kiyone. He took the phone and quickly managed
to sort out the accommodation problems. He handed the cellphone
back to Ukyou.

"Arigato, honey." she said, then sighed. "I'm never gonna get
a handle on Mandarin."

He smiled as he sat at the wheel. "How about another language
lesson tonight?" he suggested. "I made sure we got a double
room."

Ukyou smiled. "Only language lessons?" she murmured.

"With rewards."

"Oh... nice."

Suka rolled his eyes. "Did you hear that?" he asked Godai.
"Don't they ever stop?"

"Obviously not." said Godai enviously.

***

At the hotel Ryoga relaxed in a nice warm bubble bath.
Hearing Ukyou enter their room, he grinned and called out
to her.

"Oh good," said Ukyou, walking in, "You're here."

"Where else would I be?" Ryoga grinned. Ukyou looked at
him. He stopped grinning. "Okay, okay, point taken."

Ukyou looked at the bath. "That looks warm." she said.

"It is."

"It looks comfortable."

"It is." Ryoga grinned.

"It looks like it's my turn," said Ukyou. She threw him a
towel. Ryoga's face fell. "Don't look at me like that!
You're supposed to be a pig, not a lost puppydog. Mousse
and Shampoo are screaming at each other in Chinese in the
main foyer and the only word I've been able to make out so
far is 'idiot' several times. They're scaring the other
customers. Go make them stop." she walked into the other
room.

Ryoga reluctantly got out of the bath and got dressed, then
followed her through, finding the door on the third try.

"How will I get there?" he asked plaintively.

"Just follow the noise," said Ukyou dryly, pushing him out
the door.

Ryoga walked down the corridor and into the foyer where,
from the sounds of things, World War III was currently in
progress.

"<You have to obey the law you moronic imbecile!>" Shampoo
yelled.

"<The only laws I HAVE to obey are the ones governing
physics,>" retorted Mousse. "<And even they can be ignored
for a little while. Are your buns obscuring your hearing?
I won't marry you!>"

"<Great-grandmother will be angry with you,>" Shampoo
threatened.

"<I severely doubt it but good!>" replied Mousse.

Shampoo's eyes narrowed. "<You really ARE in love with that
Kuonji harridan aren't you? I've never liked that cow, maybe
I should kill her.>" she turned to find Ryoga barring the
way.

"<That would be a bad idea Xian Pu,>" he said. "<Because
that would make me unhappy - and you wouldn't like me when
I'm unhappy.>"

Shampoo stared at him. "<You... speak Chinese?>"

"<No,>" he said. "<You're only imagining this.>"

Mousse chuckled. "<Gotcha again Xian Pu.>"

She turned on him. "<You knew!>" She glared at Ryoga. "<So
you've understood everything I've said for the last couple
of days?>"

Ryoga's grin got wider. "<Yup, and if you're VERY good, I
won't pass it all on to other ears.>"

"<You're all against me!>" Shampoo cried, running off to
her room.

"<Finally she notices,>" said Mousse. Ryoga frowned at him.

"<Acting callous is fine, but do you HAVE to fight in public
places? And incidentally, _you're_ not fooling anybody.>" *I
got out of a bubble bath for _this_?*

Mousse looked embarrassed. "<Sorry,>" he mumbled. "<It's
just... after everything she put me through...>"

Ryoga sighed. "<Well, I'll forgive you, on one condition.>"

"<What?>"

"<That you lead me back to my room, I'm lost.>"

"<You're _hopeless_!>"

***

The next morning at breakfast things were their usual
state of affairs - chaotic.

"That's MY toast."

"Sorry Ranma-san."

"Konatsu!"

"If that's your toast, what's this I'm eating?"

"You can have it back Ranma-san."

"You've already bitten into it, I don't want to eat
your germs!"

"What's the matter, afraid you'll start acting like a girl?"

"Too late for that!"

"Pass the salt."

"You put SALT on your TOAST?"

"No, don't be stupid."

"Oh phew."

"I put it in my coffee."

"Bleugh."

Ryoga ran a fond eye over the assembled group. "They're good
people," he said. "Most of the time."

"You're in a good mood today," said Ukyou.

"And why wouldn't I be? The sun is shining, the birds are
singing, and you and I..."

"SHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Ukyou shushed him frantically. "Let's not
go into that right now." She stood up and gave him a kiss on
the cheek. "I'm going to go into the kitchen and see about
our sandwiches for lunch." She walked off. Ryoga watched her
go, then turned back to his (relatively) peaceful breakfast.
The peace was shattered by the sound of breaking china and
a choked scream.

"Ryoga!!!!"

Ryoga had never moved so fast in his entire life. He was
through the door to the kitchen so quickly that he ripped it
off its hinges, the others following through the empty
doorway.

Inside the kitchen was a sight to chill his blood. Ukyou was
backed up against a wall, a gun pressing against her throat.
Kazeten grinned at him. "Ohayoo gozaimasu Ryoga-kun," he
grinned. "And what a fine day it is too."

"Kazeten!" Ryoga didn't recognise his own voice. "If you
hurt her... I'll... I'll... I'll START by ripping your
lungs out and feeding them to adders!"

"Oh, I'm SO scared," Kazeten drawled. "But it won't do your
beloved here any good. Now be a good boy, and take what's
coming to you." He swivelled the gun, pointed it at Ryoga,
and fired five times. Ukyou screamed.

Ryoga looked down at the tranquiliser darts sticking out of
him. "Not enough!" he gritted, lunging for Kazeten.

"Then it's just as well this thing has another two rounds,"
said Kazeten, firing both of them whilst evading Ukyou's
wild grab at the gun. Ryoga's eyes crossed and he slowly
toppled to the floor.

"RYOGA!!!!!!!" screamed Ukyou.

"Okay jerk, YOU'RE DEAD!" yelled Ranma. Kazeten merely
laughed, and shoved Ukyou into Ranma. Then he stepped back
and his goons poured in through the doorway, the windows,
out of the cupboards, and did their best to bury the group.
By the time they had fought their way clear, Kazeten, and
Ryoga, were gone.

to be continued...

 

Chapter 23

Index