AU Trademark Moves A Closer Look At Trademark Aleksei Moves
by Sarah A. Holland, Ph.D. in Applied Sequinology
Are you frustrated with your knee spins? Keep getting tangled up in your
cape during your exhibition programs? Bored with your plain-vanilla Nordic
Track exercise routine? With these "how-to" tips and a little elbow
grease, you can learn the ancient secrets of Tae-Swan-Do for yourself and
stun your friends with your artistry. In this article, we'll take a closer
look at some of Aleksei Urmanov's trademark moves and break them down into
step-by-step, easy to follow instructions, along with tips on what to
avoid. As with any new exercise regimen, consult a qualified physician
before attempting these maneuvers, and make sure you close the drapes so
the neighbors won't see.
1. Spinning knee lunge - One of Aleksei's enduring signature riffs, often
imitated, never quite duplicated. This spin is entered from a regular
forward lunge position. To generate rotation, the skating foot does a
quick double 3 turn (forward outside/backward inside), while the knee of
the free leg is bent to make contact with the ice. Gradually shift weight
to the free knee and continue spinning rapidly for one or two revolutions,
making sure to keep the arms level and fey. The exit is either from the
lunge position, moving forward in the original direction, or a sort of
awkward clamber back onto your feet because the spin stalled out early.
Don't worry about centering the thing; that isn't the point.
COMMON ERRORS: bending forward at waist; looking apprehensive; curling
into fetal position; attempting to perform maneuver in 'camel' position; using it as an entry into a triple axel; crashing into board; too few ruffles; falling over onto butt; refusing to get up .
2. "Hi, Mom!" wave - This move, while not hard to learn, can take years to
master fully. Placing it into your repertoire adds a sophisticated,
professional veneer to the rest of your routine. Here's how it's done.
Sit in the "ready" position (relaxed, perspiring, spacey) in the kiss 'n'
cry area, awaiting your marks. Suddenly realize that you are on TV. Break
into 10,000 jigowatt grin. Bring right hand slowly up to shoulder level.
Cock wrist, alternate palm gently between left and right, continue smiling
at public. Wave should neither be too regal nor too dorky. White gloves required. Be absolutely sure that you have control over this move before
adding on Christmas greetings to all Amerikkans in silky broken English.
COMMON ERRORS: too low (out of range of camera); waving to coach instead;
flipping off the judges.
3. Pouring tea - Alyosha definitively nailed this element during an "Up
Close and Personal" segment at the 1994 Goodwill Games in St. Petersburg;
his technique is well worth studying. To perform this maneuver, stand to
the left of your family and friends. Grasp teapot in right hand; hold lid
on with cupped left hand (alternately, brace right hand with left hand);
bend slightly at waist; slowly pour tea into cup, making sure to tower over
your mother. Allow gold wrist bracelet to sway alluringly as tea is
poured.
COMMON ERRORS: missing the cup; scalding the guests; serving "Yoo Hoo" or
"Mr. Pibb" instead of tea; overfilling; adding cream and lemon together;
noisy slurping; not sharing with the TBS camera crew.
4. Flower girl peck - Another uncaptured move that is difficult to perform
well; not many skaters do it because of the extreme technical demands and
the high risk of spreading colds and cooties. The move is initiated when
an arena flower girl comes within range bearing an armload of flowers.
Reach over and accept flowers gently. Lean forward with puckered lips;
smooch unwitting flower girl absently on cheek. Clamp onto her
shoulders with both hands to assist her in remaining upright.
COMMON ERRORS: having chapped lips; forgetting to get a 'cootie' inoculation at the beginning of the season; grabbing flowers too violently or knocking over flower girl; causing spontaneous combustion; if flower girl is unconscious, failure to administer CPR.
5. Eye swipe - Needs to be done nonchalantly, almost unconsciously, while
the marks are being read. Remember, with this move it isn't so much what
you're doing as how you're doing it. To execute it, the entire body must
be fairly relaxed, with a thousand-mile stare on the face, as the marks are
being read off. Quickly and lightly, reach up with an extended forefinger
and casually flick at the corner of the eye that is on the same side of the
body as the hand you're using. Do NOT attempt to swipe the opposite-side
eye, or you may miss, poke yourself in the eye, and give the TV audience
the impression of being a couple of devilled eggs short of a picnic.
COMMON ERRORS: forgetting to make goofy little faces; admiring finger too
long; using coach's sleeve; losing contact lens; looking through pretend binoculars at the TV cameras; frantically brushing hundreds of invisible insects off clothing.
6. Final bow - Despite its reputation as a basic skill, the final bow
should not be relegated to the occasional practice session. Do it every
day, off-ice, whenever the opportunity presents itself. Body position is
crucial to successful execution. Begin with the legs and feet turned out,
hands behind back. Sweep forehead graciously to ice; hold until you begin
to black out. Come back up and do a full-body wave with both arms (NOT the
"Hi, Mom" or the "Buh-Bye", a mistake many beginners commonly make). Turn
180 degrees with an enthusiastic arc of the feet, and repeat. Remember,
it's bow, wave, bow, wave, not bow bow wave wave or bow wave wave bow.
COMMON ERRORS: bowing before program has finished; forgetting to come up
out of bow position; curtseying; grovelling; doffing imaginary hat; having
to be dragged off ice by security
7. Knee waggle - Similar to the Funky Chicken, but infinitely naughtier,
this is the Holy Grail of Aleksei moves. It requires rather a lanky body
type, long legs, and absolute security on the toepicks. To perform this
move, first come to a halt on the ice. The preferred stop is, of course, a
sensual reverse T stop with the forward foot nicely turned out. Plant both
picks firmly in the ice, roughly shoulder width apart, knees facing
forward. Make firm eye contact with the judges. Now, squat down slightly
and waggle those knees! If Japanese teenagers are in the vicinity, an air
guitar move with the arms makes an interesting variation. Don't be greedy
and do more than 2 or 3 repetitions at a time.
COMMON ERRORS: wearing skates without toepicks; knees at mismatching
heights; insufficient "flap"; teeny itty-bitty legs; practicing it backstage, in the dressing room, on the street, waiting for trains, etc., without prior warning to bystanders.
8. Noose - Unresolved dramatic tension in your skating program, in your
relationships, or at work? Well, here's one effective way to make your
point. First, kneel down before an outsized cape. Cross arms at elbows.
Grasp cape firmly at corners with both hands; form a circle with the cape
at the lower half of the circle, and your upper arms and crossed forearms
at the top half. Insert head through circle. Appeal momentarily to
heavens. Uncross arms with a jerk to tighten noose; look stricken; linger
in this position just a wee bit longer than perhaps is necessary.
COMMON ERRORS: evident enjoyment; pulling too tight; asphyxiation; death.
9. Gender bender - This difficult but crowd-pleasing trick takes years of experience to perfect. This move is entered backwards, in the standard spin entry position (right back inside edge, free leg crossed behind skating leg, upper body in the checked position) except, of course, that you are holding on to a giant, fluttering cape.
Bring cape slowly to waist level as you enter the spin; pin down one corner
on left hip with left hand; bring other corner around to meet it with right
hand, and grab it with the left. Begin layback variations. Honi soit qui
mal y pense. DISCLAIMER: This difficult move should only be attempted by skilled, well-trained cape wranglers.
COMMON ERRORS: wrinkles; safety pins; quiche stains; unflattering hemline; loud
fabric pattern; large clouds of dust.
10. Toe-pick tiptoes - Also known as the "Okswana". Facial expression is
everything in this move, as more than likely the TV cameraman will
experience profound discomfort with what your lower body is doing and zoom
in for a close-up. Thus, this gesture can be subtly enhanced by: flexing
the facial muscles to convey anxiety; moving the lips gently, as if
beseeching some higher power; and straining to lift off the ice despite
having useless, clipped wings. Many skaters practice for this move in
zero-gravity chambers of the sort used to train cosmonauts. A
little-publicized scandal occured shortly before 1993 Europeans, when it
was discovered that several Russian team members, in order to obtain better
facial expressions for this maneuver, had been illegally abstaining from
dietary fiber for several weeks.
COMMON ERRORS: yawning; chewing gum; flapping arms too quickly; groaning;
hip-hop dancing
11. Advanced skate guard juggling - Also called the "I've Been On Skates For Fifteen Years". Glide forward on one foot and,
forty feet away from the entrance, casually put one skate guard on, thus
risking certain, messy death and tooth-chipping should you stumble and
touch down with the free foot. The impressiveness factor increases with
the difficult feat of quickly whipping the double-ended skate guard onto
the blade with one hand (as a comparative note, a friend of mine once
missed almost the entire warm-up for a competition because she couldn't get
her skate guards off, even sitting on the floor and gripping them with both
hands; they were the double-ended kind). Glide as nonchalantly as possible
to the entrance, concentrating on the concept "ho hum" instead of the
concept "I am inches away from being snapped in two like a wishbone". [Also see Skate guard juggling.]
Note about the color of the skate guards: Purple is good, since it contrasts well with the white boards and ice and subtly signifies royalty to the judges. Red and white conveys a sense of fun (being the color of a candy cane) but also suggests purity and
innocence joined with aggression. Glitter, prism tape, glass "jewels" and
puffy Smurf stickers catch the light well, but excessive encrustations may
abrade your hands. Try not to have your name written in big letters on the
side of the guards (and as a corollary, try not to have "L" and "R" or a
shoe size visibly painted on the back of your boots).
