Little Laurel did have RSV. The correct name is Respiratory Syncytial Virus. I had told Carrie wrong before we’d left for the hospital. Anyway, after Laurel was examined the doctor told Emily that Laurel had that and it had become pneumonia. He wanted to admit Laurel to the hospital and get her under an oxygen hood immediately. But once he found out that Emily was from Wolf Lake he asked her if she wanted to have the baby transferred by ambulance to the hospital where Emily had been when she had preterm labor. Emily answered in the affirmative and the arrangements were made for them to go by ambulance back home.
Laurel was hospitalized for about a week. Emily would spend her days at work and her nights at the hospital. She was back to eating and sleeping poorly but there was nothing to be done. Because Laurel was fighting a viral infection and running temperatures that left her dehydrated the nurses were having Emily feed Laurel more times at shorter intervals. When Emily wasn’t there they gave her bottled breast milk. It took a bit of work but eventually the pneumonia cleared up and Laurel, though weaker, was finally able to go home.
The whole time Laurel was sick Cherry and I went back and forth to the hospital to be with Emily as we could. We always had to don gowns and masks because RSV is highly contagious. I always thought I looked more like a green Smurf when I was decked out in the hospital garb. Cherry would laugh at me since the gowns basically touched the floor and the arms came to my wrists when they were supposed to be short sleeved.
After Laurel came home from the hospital everything at school went into high gear. Graduation was fast approaching, as were finals. I dreaded them both equally. Then they both were upon me and I couldn’t stop time. I sat in tears after my last final because it was truly the last final for me at Wolf Lake. Betsy wasn’t sure what to do with me so she just let me be. That was okay though I liked Betsy I never had become close to her like I had Emily and Jane. Betsy had remained only my teacher and not my friend.
The day of graduation I entered Emily’s office with tears in my eyes. I didn’t want to tell her bye. But I didn’t know what the future held for her and I. All I knew was that my things had been packed at my apartment and I would be moving back to my little hovel on the side of a hill to the south. And I was going to be leaving one of the most important persons in my life behind. I stood in her doorway for one last time and waited for her acknowledgement. She turned to me with the smile that so transformed her face from one of fleeting beauty to that of beautiful, “What’s up?” she signed but she knew.
“Miss you me, me will” I replied as the tears spilled down my cheeks.
“This not goodbye. Goodbye me not let,” Emily answered as the tears came to her eyes too.
“Oh, Emily, “ I whispered still afraid to say her name aloud after all the time had passed. It was then that I noticed that Emily looked tired. I had been too caught up in my own feelings to notice hers. “You okay?”
“Not really, Joanna hired a private investigator. She wanted to prove me an unfit mother. She knows that I have been seeing Matt and thinks it is more than two people having dinner together as friends. Laurel’s illness she is claiming is my fault. She says that I was being negligent by taking her some place where she could get RSV. She’s been harassing me for weeks. I didn’t want to say anything to you until after finals were over. You had enough problems to worry about without my adding more.”
“I wish you’d said something before. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No, she doesn’t have a claim. She doesn’t have proof that Laurel is Jack’s child. So she has no grounds to make a claim. She angry with me but I just want to forget that part of my life. The only good thing that happened because of it is Laurel. Joanna can be mad but I will fight her until I die if she tries to take my daughter from me.”
“We’d all fight with you. Will you ever tell Laurel the truth?”
“Yes, when she’s old enough to understand. Maybe when she’s 18 I will give her permission to visit Joanna if she wants to then but I’m not going to put my child through all of that until she’s ready. It’s not her fault who her father was.”
“I don’t know if it were me if I’d tell her at all. Her father is dead. She can’t meet him and he wasn’t the sort of father she’d have wanted to know. I’d probably tell her her father was prince charming instead of the troll he really was,” I replied looking at Laurel who was happily playing in her crib with some activity center for babies.
“I suppose I could do that but then I’d always have to lie and remember the lies. I think the truth in the long run will be easier.”
“Yes, lies are like glass house, one small stone will cause it to all fall apart.”
“We both saw that happen last year.”
“True,” I replied not knowing how to go on with what was in my heart.
“It’s time we talked about what happened,” Emily said as she looked into my eyes.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
“I know you didn’t mean to and I didn’t mean to hurt you either. Everything got to be too much and I believed what I was told instead of following my instincts. I should have known you’d never have betrayed my trust in you.”
“You had reason not to trust me completely my past, the way I was a year ago last winter gave you just cause for not trusting me fully. I was messed up. I wish one of the counselors in my past had just said hey look you have OCD and depression. If they had diagnosed me years ago then none of what happened would have happened but then I might not have gotten to know you either and we’d not be friends and maybe Laurel wouldn’t be here. So maybe everything has happened for a reason and we shouldn’t question the past.”
“What happened before?”
“I have probably had OCD since I was 4 years old. I remember being overly attached to Ms. Sue one of the nursery school attendants. She had a blood clot in her leg. I was 4 and remember this. Then when I was 11 my grandmother died and 3 months later my Uncle Jimmy who had Down Syndrome died too. After my grandmother died like a week later a woman at my church was driving a van full of children. It went off the road and some of them nearly died. I became obsessive about Anna, the driver of the van. I wrote her everyday while she was in the hospital. Once she was released from the hospital and I saw her it was over and I was fine. But it was like I couldn’t cry for my grandmother dying but all the emotion and hurt I was able to release for Anna. Then after Jimmy died the same thing happened with some one else. I saw a counselor and got better. But Dr. Granger never said I had OCD. I was 11, it might not even had a name back then for all I know. Things were okay for a bit, and then I became obsessive about my band director. I don’t know why really other than she was only 4 foot 11 inches and I felt connected to her. That happened when I was in High school. I was probably 14 or 15. The students hated her because she was rather dictatorish. I felt sorry for her. I understood she was trying to make up in gruff for her lack of stature. After that I was fine again until I went away to college. Then it happened again. The stress of going away to school, my hearing was going down more, I don’t know all the reasons but I latched on to Cindy. She was the cater at the school. She wasn’t well liked. She had a mentally slow daughter that had CP. I again felt sorry for her and a connection. I guess what happened with her is why I was so petrified by what happened between us.”
“Well, what happen?”
“Cindy told me she was my friend. I believed her. Then one day by accident, another friend and I had gone to visit Jess a 3rd friend. The only problem is we didn’t know where exactly Jess lived. It was March. What had started out as a beautiful day suddenly became cold. Shannon and I didn’t have jackets with us. Jess lived in the same neighborhood as Cindy. Shannon and I had left my car at a nearby park to walk to where we thought Jess lived. We couldn’t find her house. So we decide to walk to McDonalds which was not that far away and have lunch. Then the weather turned cold and Shannon and I were freezing so we decide to go back to my car. The only problem was in order to get back to my car from where we were the shortest path took us directly in front of Cindy’s house. To make this shorter, Cindy saw us, and the next week told me she was not my friend. I found out later that another person told Cindy I was stalking her because I was in her neighborhood.
“Cindy never asked me why I was in her neighborhood or let me explain anything. She just assumed that I was doing something wrong and then hurt me deeply because of it. Through most of this I was seeing a counselor and still was never diagnosed. The only thing I was told was I came from a dysfunctional family.
“It is because of Cindy that what happened between us hurt me. I was again being judged without anyone asking me what was happening and why. I thought once again I was going to lose a friend the same way I had lost Cindy and I couldn’t go through that again. It’s more complicated than this. I have glossed over a lot of things. All I know is if I wish someone along the line had said hey you have OCD and got me help instead of letting me keep going down the same path that I had no control to stop on my own no matter how much I hated it. I have always known when it is happening but had no means in which to stop or control the progression. I didn’t even know it had a name until last year. I am just sorry that you had to go down that path with me.”
“Rachel I know you didn’t have the ability to control what was going on and I am happy that someone finally got you the help you needed. I am sorry about how things happened when Joanna lied to me. I understand better now your reaction and your fear. I didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did but I wasn’t in control either but you know that.”
“Yes I do and it’s okay. The hardest part is learning to trust you completely again. I keep waiting for everything to fall apart.”
“Stop that! I will always come to you first instead of jumping to conclusions about your intent. You need to forget the past like I need to forget about Jack and concentrate on your future. I know you will find your way. You are strong and so brave.”
“Thanks, Emily. Thank you for being my teacher and my friend.”
“Thank you too Rachel. You have taught me a lot as well. Now don’t you think you better go get dressed for graduation?”
I laughed and gave her a hug, “Yes, it’s time. I’ll not forget you.”
“I won’t forget you either. Now scram I need to feed her and get things ready for tonight.”
“Okay, later,” I said and then went on my way. I don’t know if I should have told her about my past and how OCD has always been a part of my life but I felt after everything that I couldn’t leave the skeletons in the closet any longer. She needed to know the truth as much as I needed to tell her. I could only hope that she didn’t judge me because of the past as I tried to learn to stop judging her the same.
Two hours later I arrived at the school auditorium dressed in my white cap and gown feeling rather silly and sat down next to Cherry. “Can you believe this is the end?” she asked.
“No, it’s not the end. We have our whole lives ahead of us. I have New World to explore and a new life to find and lead. You have the same. This is only the beginning, Cherry. Tomorrow is a new day.” As I uttered those words I knew that what I was saying was the truth. I was at a threshold of life. The past is the past but tomorrow will always be a new day, a new beginning.