Steven Paradise--President

In the Apathy Party, we make no empty promises.   In fact, we don't make any promises.   We don't have any hidden agendas.   We don't have any agendas at all.   We have no goals.   We would like to share our political stance with you, but we don't have one.   We don't care.

We won't try to buy your vote with donuts, bagels, pie or ice cream (we'll probably just stand next to the other candidates, eating the goodies that they're giving away).   We won't do anything to get your vote. We don't want your vote. We don't care about your vote.   We don't care about politics.   Some of us don't even care about the parking debacle. We just don't care.

If elected, we will do everything that we promise.   Which is absolutely nothing.   How many other candidates can guarantee all of their promises?   We would have found out for you, but we don't care.

Actually, if by some incredible fluke we are elected, we would fulfill only the least requirements that we need to get by.   Some of the other candidates might actually be able to do something worthwhile for you; why don't you ask them?   Just don't hold your breath on the parking problem. A vote for us would be wasted.   You can vote if you want to, just don't vote for us.   We don't care.

Students at the University of Utah have been described as "apathetic."   That's just one letter away from "pathetic", which pretty much describes turnout for the student elections.   People seem to enjoy the circus of food and rock-climbing walls, but very few actually vote.   They are either uninformed, or unconcerned, or live off-campus and have no involvement with campus once classes end.   They think that student government has no impact on their lives.   It does have an impact.   We were going to do some research to explain how, but nobody is going to read this statement anyway, so we don't care.

Part of the problem comes from candidates who make promises that, at the very least, seem empty.   Candidates fail to properly demonstrate how they can benefit students.   They don't help students understand why it is important for them to vote.   They feed our stomachs with empty calories, and they feed our minds with promises of even less nutritional value.

Every student that doesn't vote casts a vote for apathy.   Not the Apathy Party, mind you, but the reputation of apathy that our school has.   We don't want the Apathy Party to win, and we don't want apathy to win either.   Don't vote for us, but vote.   Behind all this biting social commentary, we do have a point:

Don't vote for apathy.   Vote.