Splish, Splash
by Amorette

The whatever-they-weres had jumped Hercules and Iolaus with no warning, just sprang out the bushes and started fighting. They didn't even bother with the usual threats and taunts, probably because they weren't intelligent enough to do so. Big, green and slimy, with flat fish eyes and snouts like pike, lined with dozens of tiny sharp teeth, they weren't even really wearing clothes, their bodies with covered with scales, and there was no indication of the usual accessories human bodies came with.

"Hera, ya think?" asked Iolaus as he spun, taking one down with a well placed kick.

"No," replied Hercules thoughtfully, knocking a couple down with a tossed log. "She tends to go for gaudy armor. These guys. . .things. . .look pretty primitive by her standards."

"Good point." Iolaus held out his hands and Hercules tossed him around, taking out another half dozen. When Hercules set him down and he could catch his breath, Iolaus added, "And they don't seem to be very good fighters so that rules out Ares."

Hercules watched a couple of the things lumbering towards him. He dodged them easily. "Definitely not Ares."

The fight lasted for another minute or two, with the things continuing to attack until there was a pile of them building up around the two men when Iolaus noticed he was getting pushed back towards the cliff behind him. He was not terribly worried. He knew the cliff was steep but the river, a dozen or so feet below, wasn't dangerous. If worse came to worse, he'd jump off.

A sudden surge of the things out of the bushes made worse come to worse. Iolaus tripped over the out flung foot of one of his attackers and went backwards over the cliff. He managed to twist in midair, so that he hit the river feet first rather than flat on his back. As soon as his head broke water, he looked around to see if the things that had lunged at him and fallen with with him were close by.

There was no sign of them. Odd. Iolaus looked up and waved at Hercules, who glanced over to check on him, then started swimming for shore. The water was cold with spring runoff and moving fast. Getting out of it as quickly as possible seemed reasonable.

Hercules saw Iolaus' wave, then turned back to deal with the last half dozen or so of their attackers and found they were gone, replaced by dozens of stunned fish. He spun. There wasn't one of the things that had attacked them, only dozens of slender, sharp-snouted pike, most of them unmoving. Not Hera and not Ares but something related to fish. Hercules frowned, kicking a few of the fish towards the cliff. Had he done something to annoy Poseidon recently? He hadn't even been on a sea voyage in months.

Just to be safe, Hercules checked the bushes along the road. All he found were a few fish. Who had he pissed off that was in command of fish? And what had he done? Or had Iolaus done something lately? They had been apart for a few days while Hercules helped Iphicles negotiate a trade treaty. Iolaus hadn't mentioned anything. In fact, he hadn't even mentioned fishing recently.

Shrugging, Hercules looked back over the cliff to see where Iolaus had come ashore. Iolaus had appeared to be swimming towards a spit of sand not far below. Hercules expected Iolaus to be standing there, wringing out his vest. He wasn't.

Hercules headed for a game trail he had seen earlier that led steeply down to the river. Iolaus had to be somewhere near. He kept one eye on the river as he skidded down the trail but didn't catch sight of a blonde head in the water, nor any sign of anyone along the shore.

"Iolaus," Hercules called as he approached the water, even though he doubted his voice could be heard over the roar of the waterfall upstream from where he stood. "Iolaus!"

Nothing. Water and rocks and sand and fallen trees. Hercules trotted down to the sand bar, splashing through the shallows. Nothing. A knot of panic started in his belly but he pushed it ruthlessly down. Iolaus was a strong swimmer. He hadn't been injured, just annoyed. He had to come to shore somewhere.

Hercules started running, watching the river for any snags or rocks that might catch an unwary swimmer. The water was clear enough he could see if Iolaus was floating under the water. All he could see were fish. The river broadened and slowed as it left the canyon but before that, there was bridge. Two men were standing on it, fishing. They waved at Hercules. He waved back and ran up to them.

"Ah, you didn't happen to see anyone swimming past, did you?"

The men exchanged puzzled glances.

"Sorry, friend," said one man You're the first person we've seen all day. Fishing hasn't been good and nobody else has been by."

The second said, "Someone fall into the river?"

"Ah, yes. A friend of mine. I must have missed him." Hercules pointed up river, feeling ridiculous. "If you see him. . .he's blonde and about so tall," Hercules gestured as he often did, marking Iolaus' height precisely. ". . .tell him I'm looking for him."

Before the men could answer, they were astonished to see Hercules run into the river and begin swimming upstream as easily as if he were swimming with the current.

"If his friend drowned," said one man, "he'll snag up at the pond above town. We better go warn folks to check it before they draw water."

"Aye." The second man pulled in his lure. "Did you think that big man looked familiar?"

The first man shook his head, picked up his tackle box, and started walking for home.

Hercules swam the river, checking every possible spot that might conceal a body, although there really weren't any. When he found himself at the base of the waterfall, he let the knot of panic unravel. He swam for the shore, shouting as he staggered out of the river.

"Hades! Hades! What have you done with him?"

The God of the Underworld appeared, looking very cross. "Him? Who him?"

Hercules lunged for his uncle. "IOLAUS! I want him back."

Hades frowned, the line above his nose deepening. "Iolaus? I don't have Iolaus." The god studied his nephew, noticing how wet and disheveled Hercules was. "Have you been drinking?"

"You don't have Iolaus?"

"No," Hades snapped. "I just said that. I don't have Iolaus. Why would you think I did?"

"He. . ." Hercules gestured encompassed the river. "He jumped into the river and vanished."

"Vanished? How vanished? Puff of smoke? Strike of lightning? Roll of flame?"

"I didn't see. . .I was up on the cliff and when I looked back. . ." Hercules stared at the river.

"Well, he's not dead." Hades started to vanish himself but Hercules' iron grip on his arm stopped him. "Now what?"

"Do you know where he is?"

Hades sighed as he pulled away from Hercules. "No. Which is a good thing. If he were in my realm, I'd know it. He isn't so he must be alive."

"But. . . "

"Hercules, there is a war in Macedonia and a nasty bit of measles in Athens. I'm rather busy just now."

"Oh, sorry." Hercules let his uncle's arm go, looking embarrassed. "War in Macedonia. I suppose Ares is there, then."

"Oh, yes. Ares is there. Boy has no grasp of the paperwork he creates. He has a bunch of sniveling godlings and sycophants to help him out so he has no idea what it's like to try to keep up on things without adequate help." Hades noticed that Hercules wasn't listening but was staring at the river again. "Iolaus isn't dead." On that note, the god left.

Hercules barely noticed. On the one hand, Iolaus wasn't dead. He wasn't going to have to search the river only to find Iolaus' cold, pale corpse. On the other hand. . .where was he?

* * *

Iolaus wasn't entirely surprised when something grabbed him. He had been expecting one of those things to attack him so he took a deep breath and turned in the water, ready to fight. Only there wasn't anything there.

In spite of there being no one holding him, something was pulling him under. Which was doubly odd because he didn't feel a hand around his ankle or something normal like that. He felt as if the water itself were wrapping around him, suddenly much more solid than normal water. Iolaus could hold his breath for a considerable time but only when he let himself fall into a meditative state, slowing his heart rate and becoming very still and focused.

This was not the time for meditation. This was time to fight. He tried to get his arms away from his body. He tried to kick his feet. He tried to arch his back and use his whole body to break the surface and get a breath.

And he failed.

He was fighting an invisible enemy, under water, and he was running out air. He struggled desperately, feeling the pressure build in his chest. He struggled and kicked, until he felt as if he would explode, and then, against his will, sucked in lungfuls of river water. The water burned and he began to choke as the world turned grey.

But not completely black.

Iolaus didn't completely lose consciousness. He was vaguely aware of two things. One, he was being dragged through the water by whatever invisible force had captured him. Two, and most importantly, he seemed to be able to breath. Not freely. He couldn't pull in a deep breath, but he seemed to be able to take shallow, gasping, painful breaths. In spite of the chill of the water, he was reminded of being wrapped too tightly in a blanket, unable to breath freely but not quite suffocating.

He felt whatever was holding him suddenly toss him free and he fell through the air to land on hard, cold, wet ground. Coughing up water, he tried to suck in enough air to clear his vision and give him some hope of freeing himself. He was so focused just on breathing that the hand that touched his hair surprised him. He rolled, blinking, and found himself looking at a woman.

A strange woman, with knife sharp features, long, grey hair and a narrow, almost lipless mouth, was crouching next to him. Her slender, pale body was wrapped in what looked like the leaves of water plant, soft and green and slimy. He could see, as he started to breathe easier, that while her eyes were solid, lacking the definition of whites, iris and pupil but were not one color. They shimmered with the iridescence of oil on water.

Her hand pushed a strand of wet hair back from his face and she said, in voice much deeper than he expected, "You are pretty."

"Um, thanks."

She smiled, revealing a row of narrow, sharp teeth. Her hand drifted under his chin and tilted his face up. "And you're mine."

Oops. Moving slowly, since he didn't want to startle a creature that was obviously no mere mortal, Iolaus got his legs underneath him.

"Ah, no, not really. I'm Iolaus and I don't really belong to anyone. . ."

"Yes, you do." She said it with considerable conviction. "Many of the gods have a claim on you and you give your allegiance to Hercules but none of that matters now, you're mine."

She knew who he was. Iolaus couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"Look, you're right about my allegiance being with Hercules but he doesn't own me and neither do you. I'm a free man. . ."

She frowned. "You are mine." She said it very clearly, as if Iolaus didn't quite grasp the concept and she wanted to make it clear. "Once you were in the river, you were mine."

"All right." Might as well go along for the moment, Iolaus thought, until he had a better grasp of the situation. "Did you send those. . .men after us. . .to force me to jump into the river?"

"Yes." She smiled again. "And it worked perfectly. Now, you're mine."

"Oh." Iolaus looked around. He was in a cave that was obviously located behind the waterfall. The ceiling was low. He doubted if Hercules could stand upright. The light, filtered by the water, was pale and always moving, giving him the impression of still being under water. He decided she must be using some sort of magic, because he could hear her clearly, the roar of the waterfall muted. "And this is your home."

She laughed, a trilling sound, like water running over stones. "Of course not! The river is my home."

"Oh." He couldn't see where the cave went as it disappeared into the gloom but it looked as if the ceiling dropped lower, almost to the floor. Escape looked most likely through the water fall. Then he'd have to swim for it and hope Hercules was handy to help him get away from this woman. Which reminded him. "By the way, who are you?"

"Silly." Her smile, he decided, was meant to be fond, even if her sharp teeth made it seem otherwise. "I'm Achelois."

"As in the River Achelois."

"Exactly. I'm the goddess of the river and you're going to be my consort."

Oh, great, thought Iolaus, it's Hylas all over again. Well, not if I can help it. Hylas was willing to stay with those water nymphs and I'm not willing.

"I really, really appreciate the offer. I mean. . .to be chosen as the consort of a goddess is an honor. . ." He tensed, ready to jump. His head was clear and he was breathing freely. The sooner he got out of there the better. "But I really can't stay."

He leapt for the waterfall, diving into the river below. All he had to do was swim for the shore. Kicking strongly, Iolaus swam up. . .and bumped his head, soundly.

"Ow!" He said it out loud, his hand reaching up to touch the top of his head. It felt as if he had hit his head on the rock ceiling in the cave. "Oooh. . ."

It was then he realized he could breathe, albeit with difficulty, as if he had a chest cold, and he was still under water. He reached up and his hand, instead of breaking free of the water, touched a solid surface that felt like glass.

Achelois was drifting through the water beside him. He was standing upright, although his feet weren't touching the bottom several feet below him. She was reclining, her hair streaming out behind her, as if she lay on a couch.

"I said," Achelois repeated, in her clear, careful voice, only slightly distorted by being underwater, "You are mine."

Iolaus started swimming for the shore. He might not be able to surface in the river but surely, as he got close to the shore, he'd be able to break free. Achelois drifted beside him, apparently making no effort to move, as he found himself squeezed between the muck on the river bottom and the surface above him. He was trapped, just as if he would have been if caught between floor and roof in a narrowing cave.

"I said. . ." began Achelois.

"I heard," said Iolaus. He put both hands up and felt the underside of the river. The surface, while remaining slick and impenetrable, changed beneath his palms. He could feel the waves and troughs as the surface of the water rose and fell, shifting and fluid yet he couldn't pass through.

Achelois tugged his ankles, pulling him back into the deeper water. Having no idea what to do next, Iolaus let her.

"I'll arrange a bed for you," she was saying, although Iolaus really wasn't listening. His hands kept raising, feeling the unnatural surface above him. "and put it in the cave. I know land creatures like to sleep on beds. You'll learn, though. . ."

Her hands slipped around Iolaus' neck and he was pulled into a kiss. He kept his lips closed, afraid of her sharply pointed teeth, but let her press her mouth against his. Her hands trailed down his shoulders and pushed his vest off.

"Hey!" He pulled away, reaching for his vest, which was caught in the current.

"Those land clothes don't suit you," the goddess said, tilting her head to one side and studying him.

"They suit me just fine!" Iolaus started to swim after his vest but Achelois pulled him back. "Do you mind!"

"Yes." Her eyes narrowed. "You are mine!"

"Hercules will come after me!"

"Ah, Hercules." Her hand trailed down his chest. "I would liked to have had him as well but he is descended of a sky god and I have no power over the children of Zeus."

"Lucky, Herc." Iolaus slapped her hand away again. "Look, I really don't want to be your plaything. I don't know where you got the idea. . ."

"When you and Hercules bathed in me last summer." She looked rather wistful at the memory. "You weren't wearing your land clothes then and when I saw you, I knew I had to have you."

Iolaus felt almost sick. He and Hercules usually bathed in a handy river or pond, without giving a thought to whatever supernatural creatures inhabited the spot. They had never been bothered by one before. Well, except for those nymphs on Mysia but that was years ago. He was sticking to bath tubs from now on!

"Look, Achelois, I really appreciate the thought but. . .um. . ." Think, Iolaus, he commanded himself. "I'm not really used to, ah, doing this sort of thing while floating in the water and I've had kind of a long day, what with the fight and all and I really haven't quite got this breathing water thing figured out so could we go back to the cave and maybe have some lunch?" He gave her one of his best smiles. While his wits might fail him on occasion, his smile never had.

Achelois ducked her head, shyly, and took his hand. "I'm sorry. Of course I'm rushing you. It will take a day and a night for you to turn completely. And what kind of a hostess am I? I should have offered you a meal."

They swam back to the waterfall. Achelois showed Iolaus how he could climb up the rocks under the waterfall. He expected to be knocked off by the force of the water but, in the same way the sound of the falling water had been muted, the force of it had been lessened and he could climb up easily. He leaned back several times and bumped his head every time. Once, he even used a cascade as a handhold, marveling again at how the water felt under his fingertips.

When they were back in the cave, Achelois created a padded bench, with legs shaped like fish, the coverlet the same green as her robe. Iolaus sat down on it gratefully. It was turning into a long day and he had missed lunch. He squeezed as much water out of his hair as he could manage. His wet trousers clung unpleasantly to his legs but he had no intention of taking them off. As for his vest. . .he sighed and hoped Alcmene could make him another one.

"Here!" Achelois said brightly. He stared, open-mouthed, as she reached into the waterfall and pulled out a fish. The poor thing flapped in her hand. "A nice fat one, too." She flicked her wrist and Iolaus could hear the fish's spine snap. She repeated the action and then, fishes in hand, came over and sat next to Iolaus.

"Um. . ." said Iolaus, accepting the still twitching fish. "Thanks."

Then he watched, stunned, as the goddess sank her sharp teeth into the side of the fish and tugged out a bite. All Iolaus could think was he hoped Hercules was nearby.

Which he was.

Hercules was standing staring at the river without really seeing it, trying to make sense of the bizarre situation in which he found himself. Iolaus has jumped off the cliff, forced off by some thugs who were really fish. When Hercules got down to the river, only a few minutes later, Iolaus was gone. Not drowned. Just. . .gone.

Should he head back towards the village and see if the fisherman were just particularly unobservant? Should he climb back up the cliff and see if the dead fish he had left piled up there could give him any clue? If nothing else, he should toss the fish back into the river, to tidy up the road. Lots of people did use it and piles of rotting fish would make it rather unpleasant to travel. If Iolaus were with him, they could probably make it fun, seeing who could throw a fish the farthest or the like. But Iolaus was . . .gone.

Hercules resisted the urge to tear out his hair. He hated it when things made absolutely no sense.

And then he saw it, bobbing in the water, a familiar piece of fabric. Hercules ran into the river and grabbed Iolaus' vest before it got any farther. He clutched like a drowning man clutches a rope. Iolaus had to be somewhere nearby! In trouble, maybe, or just doing some laundry and lost hold it. Since the vest came from upstream, that's where Iolaus must be. How he got above the waterfall would wait for later. Right now, all Hercules cared about was finding his missing partner.

Tucking the wet vest into his already sodden belt, Hercules swam up the river until he was in the pool below the waterfall. He eyed the moss covered rocks and slimy fallen logs that edged the waterfall. There didn't seem to be a safe way up. There didn't seem to be a way up at all but Iolaus had gone that way so. . .

Hercules started climbing. He hadn't gotten very far when he heard--or thought he heard--Iolaus' voice. It was very faint and seemed to be saying something about fire. Hercules tilted his head, straining to hear over the roar of the waterfall. Clutching at his questionable handholds, he started calling his friend's name.

Not very far away, Iolaus was trying to explain to a baffled river goddess why he wasn't just biting into the fish she had given him. He was about to give up when he heard, very distantly, someone calling his name.

"IOLAUS!"

"HERCULES?"

"IOLAUS?"

"HERE, HERC!"

Ignoring Achelois, Iolaus ran to the edge of the cave, trying to see where Hercules was. He didn't have long to wait. The water parted and a very wet Hercules burst into the cave, snatching Iolaus up in a desperate hug.

Achelois cleared her throat. Hercules set Iolaus down, carefully patting his partner to see if Iolaus was injured.

"Um, Hercules," said Iolaus as he stepped away from his friend. He had taken his vest out of Hercules' belt and was wringing it out, staring at the wet clothing rather than meeting the flat, angry eyes of the goddess. "This is Achelois."

Hercules had been brought up to be polite so he said, politely, "Nice to meet you. Um, Iolaus, what is going on?"

"He's mine." Achelois said, tossing away her half eaten fish and stalking towards Hercules. "He is mine now so . . .go away." She made shooing motions with her hands. "Leave. Now."

Hercules turned to Iolaus, baffled. Iolaus, who was holding his damp vest, trying to decide if wearing it wet was better than holding it, shrugged. "She is the goddess of this river and since I was in it. . ."

"He's mine!"

"Now wait just a minute. . ." Hercules felt off balance. He was incredibly relieved to find Iolaus alive and well, albeit wet, but he was also annoyed at still not knowing what had happened. "Why don't you begin at the beginning?"

Both god and half god ignored Iolaus as he murmured, "You don't really want her to do that," while they glared at each other.

Achelois spoke first. "I saw you. . .both of you. . .when you bathed in me last fall." Her mouth curved into a smile. "You were so beautiful. . ."

Hercules took a step back and turned to Iolaus. "Does she mean?"

"Yup." Iolaus put his vest on, wincing at how cold and clammy it felt. "She watched us. Taking baths."

"That's. . ." Hercules could feel his face flush. He turned back to Achelois. "You shouldn't have done that!"

Achelois shrugged. "It's my river. I can do what I please. If anyone gets into the river, from the headwaters in the mountains until the outlet into the sea, I can do with them what I want."

"She, um, wants me," said Iolaus, rather apologetically. It was embarrassing, to find out that the local deity was watching him while he bathed and did other necessities in the river. And then finding out what she had in mind. . .Hercules looked incredulous.

"Let me get this straight." Hercules was using his calm voice but Iolaus knew it was his calm over the storm voice, not his real calm voice. The twitch next to Hercules' left eye and the flare of Hercules' nostrils gave that away. "You saw Iolaus and I bathing and decided that you were going to kidnap Iolaus and. . .and. . ."

"Keep him." Achelois sounded very pleased that Hercules finally understood the situation. "You were both so lovely, bathing in my waters that day." She sighed. "I caressed you with my waters, all over your naked body. . ."

Hercules held up his hand. "Right. I get that." Iolaus snickered at Hercules' obvious embarrassment and got a quick glare in return. "But Iolaus is a free man. You can't just. . ."

"What? I can't what! You may be son of Zeus but he is a sky god and has no dominion over me!" Achelois face grew angry and Iolaus was reminded she was a goddess, even if a minor one, and they were in her territory. "I wanted him. I got him." She smiled and it was fearsome sight. "And I'm keeping him!"

Iolaus sighed, taking his vest off again and trying to wring more water out of it. He knew Hercules was not going to accept the idea that Achelois was keeping Iolaus but he also couldn't see any way for Hercules to get him back.

"Iolaus," said Hercules through clenched teeth, "is coming with me."

"I can't."

"What?" Hercules frowned at Iolaus, then took the vest away from his partner and gave it a demigodly squeeze. When he shook it out and handed it back to Iolaus, the garment was practically dry.

"Thanks, Herc. I can't go back because Achelois put some sort of enchantment on me and I can't leave the water."

"You're out of the water here."

"Yeah, but watch."

Iolaus demonstrated by leaning on the waterfall.

"What in Tartarus. . ." Hercules put his hand through the water next to Iolaus, then pulled it back. His next experiment involved trying to push Iolaus through the water until Iolaus turned a bit purple and complained. Hercules spun on Achelois and demanded, "How did you do that?"

"I'm the goddess of the river. I command the water. What part of that don't you understand?"

"But Iolaus can't survive under water!"

"Um, yes, I can."

There was a pause while Iolaus attempted to explain that he could breathe underwater but that he couldn't break through the surface of the water while Achelois kept saying, "See, he's mine. Go away."

"Shut up," said Hercules sharply, "Both of you. Listen, Achelois, you can't keep Iolaus. He's a free man. He's used to life of wandering and adventure. He'll go crazy with boredom trapped in this cave."

"See, Herc," tried Iolaus again, "I can breathe underwater. So I can go into the river."

"And my river stretches from the mountains to the sea. So he can wander through all of it." Achelois smiled at Iolaus as pleasantly as she could. "You can wander the length and breadth of my river and then come back here and we can be together."

Hercules took in a deep breath. "You still can't keep him."

Achelois had apparently had enough of Hercules. "Yes, I can," she said and pointed both hands at him. Water rushed out of her fingertips and threw Hercules backwards out of the cave. Iolaus tried to see where his friend had fallen, pressing his face against the surface of the water. It was hard to tell but he thought he saw Hercules bob to the surface.

"Hey!" Iolaus strode across the cave. "You can't hurt my friend!"

"Can't I?" Achelois raised her pale, greenish eyebrows. "I am a goddess and don't you forget it. You may have gotten used to hanging around gods and goddesses who don't use their power over you but I am more than willing to do what it takes to keep you. Get used to it."

"But. . ."

Achelois cocked her head to one side. "Someone is making an offering at a new bridge. I have to go. When I come back, you can explain this fire thing to me again and maybe we can have a nice supper." She winked. "Then go to bed."

The goddess stepped into the water fall and became part of the water.

"Well, great, Iolaus," he muttered to himself as he paced the small cave. "We need a bath, says Hercules, let's just jump into the nearest river, says Hercules. Let's not, says Iolaus but does he listen. . ."

Iolaus stopped, blinked, and smiled. Then he climbed down the waterfall into the river proper.

Had anyone wandered along the riverbank that day, they would have seen a very peculiar sight. A tall, well muscled man, with shoulder length brown hair, wearing a wet yellow shirt and leather trousers, was standing on top of the river, staring down into the depths. If that hypothetical wanderer had looked more closely, that wanderer would have seen, standing in the water, a man with a cloud of fair hair, gesturing at the man on the surface.

Hercules had been thrown well clear of the waterfall, landing in the middle of the river. Before he had a chance to consciously make the effort to swim to the surface, he felt the water beneath him force him up and out, until he lay on the surface of the river as if the river were frozen. Hercules realized, as he stood on the moving surface beneath his feet, that Achelois had done the opposite to him of what she had done to Iolaus. He was now trapped outside the river.

Standing on moving water isn't easy, even for someone with exceptionally good balance. Hercules had to extend his hands to keep upright while he tried a few experiments. He could pull floating bits of wood out of the water and drop them back into the water but no part of his body could pass through the barrier.

Well, now what? he thought, looking back at the waterfall. He couldn't appeal to Zeus. Achelois was right about that. And would either Poseidon or Oceanus or any other water god be inclined to help?

Something moved in the waterfall. Something fell into the water. Something that was bigger than just an odd rock or log. As Hercules watched, astonished, Iolaus swam along under the water until he was standing directly under Hercules. Iolaus raised one hand and knocked on the surface of the water. Hercules could actually hear the sound, which reminded him of a cracked gong sounding in the distance.

Hercules fell to his knees, pressing his hands against the water. Below him, Iolaus did the same. Their hands met, palm to palm, separated only by the thinnest layer of water but no matter how much effort Hercules put into it, they couldn't touch each other.
Hercules sat down on the surface of the water. This had not been a good day. He had genuinely thought Iolaus was dead, drowned--which was disturbing--and now he found out that a river had been. . .observing him. . .ogling him. . .while he bathed. . unaware. . .and that Iolaus was now the prisoner of a goddess with no sense of propriety.

Beneath him, Iolaus was making frantic gestures, pointing to something. When Hercules held his hands up, indicating Iolaus wasn't making sense, Iolaus made a familiar gesture, appearing to tear out his hair, and then began swimming. . .or walking. . .it was hard to tell. . .down the river.

Puzzled Hercules started following him. Iolaus was having less trouble moving through the water than Hercules was running on top of it. Hercules fell a time or two and found that not only was it reminiscent of falling on ice, the little ripples and wavelets were painful, when poked solidly into his backside. The third time he fell, he found himself muttering, as he rubbed a sore spot, "Where are you going?"

And the drachma dropped.

From the source of the river to the sea. Achelois had control over the river from the source to the outlet. From where Iolaus and Hercules were, the outlet was closer. Hercules ran to the side of the river. When he reached the shore, he could run fast enough to catch up with Iolaus, waving his arms to indicate to his friend that he understood exactly what Iolaus had in mind.

Two fisherman looked up from cleaning their catch to see that tall man running by, waving his arms. He ran over to the little dam that slowed the river to create a pond for the village. The man pulled a few logs out, ignoring shouts from the villagers, then ran on downstream.

"Must be insane," said one fisherman. "Should probably warn the magistrate."

"Wonder if he found his friend?"

"Probably an imaginary friend anyway."

The river was broadening as it neared the coast, slowing as it became wider and shallower. Iolaus was winded. Watered? Whatever. He wasn't nearly as good at swimming as he was at running and he definitely hadn't mastered underwater breathing. He had to stop several times to catch his breath. It occurred to him, as he stopped again to rest, vaguely aware of Hercules standing above him, that he might end up in the ocean, breathing water. He was sure whatever Achelois had done to him was reversible; it was just a matter of finding someone to reverse it. And if it took a while, well, he could always find out if the other Iolaus really had become a merman or if Hercules had just hidden the body, the way some people said.

Rested, he started swimming again and Hercules ran off.

"What are you doing?"

Achelois was standing in front of him, her arms crossed, in a way that reminded him of an annoyed wife whose husband was late back from the tavern.

Oops. Come on, Iolaus. The ladies love you. This lady in particular was so taken with your charms that she went to all this trouble. Iolaus smiled. His very best, grade alpha, 'I want to see you naked and do naughty things with you' smile. It had never failed him before and it didn't fail him now.

"You said," said Iolaus, reaching out and trailing a finger along her forearm, "that your domain stretched far beyond that cave." He gestured with his other hand. "That all this your kingdom."

"Our kingdom," breathed Achelois, moving closer.

Hercules stopped, puzzled. He had gotten pretty good at keeping an eye on Iolaus. The fair hair and dark pants helped, creating a clear beginning and end to the figure moving in the water. When Iolaus stopped the first time, Hercules trotted out, surprising a few passersby, and saw that Iolaus was just. . .catching his breath. . .so to speak. They communicated as best they could, with gestures and facial expressions. After all their years together, they could carry on a fairly extensive conversation without words and had a few.

Iolaus complained about Hercules making him bathe in rivers. Hercules pointed out that Hercules was as unhappy as Iolaus about finding out that he had been fondled by the river without conscious knowledge. Iolaus pointed out that Hercules was still on top of the water and not under it and therefore had no reason to complain.

They also discussed how odd it must look, the demigod standing on the surface of the river, and how they planned to bathe in future, Hercules making it clear that bathing was still going to be an important part of their lives. Bath tubs were not, as a rule, occupied by water spirits.

Iolaus had stopped recently so why had he stopped again? Was he injured in some way? Hercules trod carefully across the water, although he had gotten better at it, ignoring the audible gasp from someone along the shore, and peered down at Iolaus.

Oops. Achelois had caught up with him. Hercules was about to try to break through the water to save Iolaus when he realized what Iolaus was up to.

Right. Hercules would just trot along side the river until they reached the ocean. He might glance over occasionally to see where his partner and the goddess were or he might not.

Hercules wasn't as shy or repressed as some people thought. In his wilder youth, he had committed all sorts of indiscreet acts with an assortment of people but he had never been as completely lacking in embarrassment as Iolaus. He still liked to know someone at least well enough to be sure of their name before getting intimate with them and he preferred to keep at least some parts of his anatomy covered when in a possibly public place.

And now he had just found out that rivers watched him when he took a bath. He thought of making a list of rivers that he knew were considered "male" and sticking to them but remembered he was in Greece.

They were still moving forward. Achelois and Iolaus, that is. Iolaus was pretty amazing when it came right down to it. There he was, breathing water, still with some difficulty, and trying to keep heading for the seas even while he distracted the goddess with his charms.

Hercules snorted, rather embarrassed by his own mental euphemisms. His mother had been quite a bit more concerned with his vocabulary than Iolaus' mother had been with Iolaus'. Something to do with professional soldiers, most likely.

There had been a time when Iolaus had been less. . .free with this charms. And Iolaus had been utterly miserable and terribly lonely and that had led to. . .

Right. So, how about I calculate how far we are from the coast, how fast we are moving, what time it is right now and when we should arrive at our destination. Hercules waved vaguely at some children as he ran past. They were building a sand castle along the river bank. He slowed down enough to be certain that there were adults keeping watch over the children, then sped up again.

There wasn't a town near where the Achelois river entered the strait between the islands of Ithaca and Cephelonia and the mainland. The river got very swampy along there and river fever was endemic in the summer months. He and Iolaus should probably head inland, towards Mesolongia and maybe just follow the gulfs of Patras and Corinth until they reached Corinth proper and visited Iphicles. Iphicles, once he got over his initial surprise (horror?) at seeing Iolaus again, had been happy to see them the last time they had visited. There still was some tension there, if only because Iphicles found Iolaus' inability to stay dead rather disturbing, but things were better than they had been a year or two before.

Hercules risked a glance over at his partner and realized he had fallen behind the pair in the river. He increased his speed until he saw them again out of the corner of eye, then went back to studying the countryside as Iolaus continued. . .distracting the goddess. Vineyard up there needed some fertilizer. . .

Kissing was a bit problematic underwater. Plus Achelois had those very pointy teeth. So Iolaus went with licking instead. It seemed to work. They had their legs entwined, which put the important bits in close contact. Except for the teeth and her skin color, which was less disturbing underwater, Achelois seemed to be like any woman Iolaus had known and Iolaus had known a lot of women.

Actually, it was a compliment, to know that a goddess had wanted him enough to set up the scheme. He wondered how long she would have waited, until he and Hercules wandered close to her shores. Speaking of close to her shores. . .

By the time Hercules reached the delta where the Achelois mixed with the sea, the demigod was a bit winded. He been forced to walk out on to the river a couple of times to find Iolaus and the goddess and make sure they were all still moving towards the sea at the same pace. Iolaus really was amazing. The last time Hercules had checked, Iolaus must have caught sight of him and had given the demigod a little wave. Hercules felt his cheeks burn as he headed back to shore, falling down more than once.

What was it about them? Other people bathed in rivers and goddesses didn't try to kidnap them. Jason had bathed in rivers. Iphicles had bathed in rivers. Both of them were reasonably attractive men so why didn't they end up in these idiotic situations? What did the Fates have against Iolaus? All right, they thought he messed up their tapestry but Hercules was fairly sure they actually liked Iolaus.

"HERC!"

Hercules spun. He had been facing inland and the cry came from behind him. Iolaus, who appeared to be fastening something. . .never mind. . .Iolaus was staggering towards him from the shallows of the sea.

Hercules ran out, made sure Iolaus was decent and gave his partner a hug. They were both laughing.

"YOU TRICKED ME!"

Achelois had risen up out of her river and she had taken about half her water with her in an enormous water spout.

"Ooops," said Iolaus. "Guess I forgot about afterglow."

"I'm going to pretend," said Hercules through clenched teeth, "that you didn't say that." Ignoring Iolaus' grin, Hercules called up the angry goddess, "Please, can't we talk about this!"

For a heartbeat, Hercules was really afraid he and Iolaus were going to be drowned or, at the very least, swept out to sea. Instead, Achelois let the water flow back into the river until she looked like an ordinary, but rather sad, woman.

"I thought you liked me," she said, sulkily.

"I do like you," replied Iolaus, shoving Hercules out of his way and walking over to Achelois. "As much as you let me. You didn't really give me a chance to get to know you well enough to really like you."

"But I'm lonely," wailed the river goddess, the water swirling up around her feet.

Hercules sighed. "We understand. Both Iolaus and I have lost the women we really loved in our lives and now. . .we understand."

Achelois sighed. "I wouldn't have hurt you. You would have been happy. . ."

"No," interrupted Iolaus, taking one of the goddess' hands, "I wouldn't have been. You can't force someone to love you. And if you had tried to keep me your captive, instead of loving you, I'd have come to hate you. And you would have had Hercules as your implacable enemy and believe me, he may seem harmless enough but when he's mad, he can be seriously unpleasant."

"But. . ."

"Iolaus is right," Hercules said gently. "You can't just grab someone out of their life and expect them to be happy in yours. Suppose someone snatched up your river and moved it to. . .Egypt, say. . .and told you to live with it. Would you be happy?"

"No. I guess not."

"You seem like a very nice river," Iolaus added, trying to sound cheerful. "I'm sure you could meet the right person eventually. Don't you have, I don't know, tributaries or something that you could get to know?"

Achelois drew herself up. "I am one of the mightiest rivers in all of Greece! I am not going to lower myself to consort with a mere stream."

"Why not?" Iolaus looked at Hercules for confirmation. Hercules nodded enthusiastically. "If you judge someone by how important you think they are, you might miss getting to know someone nice."

Hercules put his hand on Iolaus' shoulder. "There are people who think that because I am the son of Zeus, I should have a god or another half god or someone the world considers 'important' as my best friend instead of an ordinary guy like Iolaus."

Achelois smiled and winked at Iolaus. "There is nothing ordinary about Iolaus."

"Well, no," said Hercules, trying not to blush again. He had done quite enough of that today. "I know that and you know that but someone who thought Iolaus, being a mortal and all, wasn't worth getting to know might think Iolaus wasn't good enough for me."

"And if you don't like your tributaries, isn't there a mortal who lives near you who might do?" Iolaus snapped his fingers! "I know, you said a bridge was being dedicated to you. Maybe someone at the dedication would like to get to know you."

"Or those fishermen!" Hercules felt a twinge of guilt at suggesting other people for the goddess to go after but consoled himself by telling himself she wouldn't just grab them but would introduce herself properly and give them a choice in the matter.

"The point is, Achelois, you can't kidnap someone and force them to like you." Iolaus took both her hands in his. "I think you and I could be friends and I'd like to visit you again but you can't keep me prisoner."

Achelois sighed again. She let Iolaus hug her, then drew back. "I suppose you're right. Both of you."

"I did enjoy my time with you." Iolaus gave her one of his best 'afterwards' smiles. "And breathing under water was sort of fun. Hey, I don't suppose I'm unable to drown."

"No, dear Iolaus, my powers only extend to my river."

"Oh." His smile fell but he quickly brightened. "Then next time I come to visit, I can just walk under water to see you."

"You will visit me?"

"Next time we're in this part of Greece," said Hercules, "We'll make a special point of it."

"If you like," said Achelois, with a parting smile, "I'll extend the under water breathing to you as well, Hercules. Then you and Iolaus can both. . .enjoy my company."

With that, the goddess melted back into the water and vanished.

"I know, I know," said Iolaus as he shook his head, trying to dry his hair. "You are going to pretend you didn't hear that last part."

"Yes, I am. How about we build a fire and get our clothes dry."

"Excellent idea!" Iolaus handed his vest to Hercules, who obligingly squeezed it dry again. "I have a feeling I would have gotten very tired of wet leather pants after a while."

"Well, this was an interesting day."

"Which reminds me, I missed lunch and have been. . . busy so I'm hungry. Do you suppose you could find us something to eat besides fish. I'm a bit off fish today."

"Hmm." Hercules looked up the beach. There were some wild plum trees just beyond the sand. "I think so."

"Herc?"

Iolaus was tugging his boots off while Hercules started to collect driftwood.

"What?"

"Bath tubs only from here on out."

Hercules tossed a piece of wood at Iolaus, aiming to miss, but he had to agree. "Right. Bath tubs only."

MAY 2003