Sharper than a Serpent's Quill
by Amorette

"Ow!"

"Hold still."

"Ow! OW!!! Damnit, Hercules. That hurt."

"Well, I'm sorry but this quill is in deep."

Iolaus moaned dramatically, dropping his head to his forearms. He was leaning over a fence, trousers around his ankles, while Hercules worked with a sharp knife on several long quills protruding from the back of his partner's left leg, just above the knee.

"Who designs those things?"

"What things?"

"Those monsters. None of them are ever the same. You never run into a second quill-throwing two headed giant. . . OW!"

"Relax. It was the last one."

Iolaus stood still while Hercules carefully coated the four bleeding wounds with salve, finishing with a tightly wrapped bandage. Wincing, Iolaus tugged his pants up.

Hercules sighed, unfastening his own pants. "My turn."

"Ready?"

"Ready. Ouch."

"That's one. Look at these things!"

"I'd rather not. Just get on with it."

"I mean, how come monsters don't look like their parents? People look like their parents. But Typhon and Echidna, every kid looks different. And I've never seen a quill-throwing two-headed giant lizard squid thing before."

"It was an unusual color."

"I noticed that. What would you call it? Lavender?"

"Ouch. Maybe more violet."

"No, violet is more blue. Definitely lavender." Iolaus held up a quill, the barbed head covered with blood. "And these quills, would you say pink?"

"I dunno. With the orange cast, I'd say more coral than pink."

"We should ask Aphrodite."

"Not until I get my pants up. Are you done?"

"Hold your horses. This one is going to hurt."

"They all hurt. OW!"

When Iolaus finished, Hercules sighed heavily, buttoning his pants. "I hate monsters like that."

"Oh, you have a kind of monster you prefer?"

"The kind that don't throw spines. I'm not going to be able to sit down for days."

Iolaus squatted down to put their medical supplies in his pack, grimacing in pain as he did.

"Wonder if this one is going to end up in some bard's scroll. How Hercules' partner pulled quills out of the demigod's ass."

Hercules touched his backside cautiously and winced. "Please, no." He rubbed the aforementioned spot. "Do you have those days when you wonder why we do it?"

"Sure. Any days involving luridly colored quill throwing monsters. Oh, and any days that involve large amounts of slime." Iolaus shuddered. "Or giant bugs. Especially spiders. We ever run across a giant slime-spewing quill-throwing spider and I'm retiring right then and there."

Hercules made a face. "Me, too."

"So, how come monsters don't look like their parents?"

"I have no idea. I'll ask Zeus next time I see him."

"And ask him about the slime, too. Ask him why he made slime."

"I'm sure there was a reason." Hercules noticed that Iolaus was trying not to limp and failing. He looked around. There was small stream running along the far edge of the pasture, near a clump of trees. He pointed, Iolaus nodded, and they made their way carefully over to the site.

Hercules started to sit down and thought the better of it, deciding to flop down on his belly, an arms' reach away from the stream, so he could trail his fingers in the water. Iolaus laid down beside him, also choosing to lie on his stomach, although Iolaus folded his arms to make a pillow for his head.

"I know Typhon and Echidna love their children," said Iolaus dreamily.

Hercules hid his smile. In spite of the pain in his ass, he liked times like this, when nothing was currently trying to kill, maim or otherwise annoy them and they could just lie next to a stream and talk, the way they had as kids. The feeling was particularly strong since they rarely laid face down as adults. Odd, that. Why did children lie face down and adults face up? Maybe, after Iolaus finished with his current train of thought, Hercules would toss that out as a discussion topic.

"Do you think somewhere that monster has a mother and she's going to miss him."

"If he had a mother, I hope she hatched him out of an egg."

Iolaus lifted his head enough to raise an eyebrow.

"Giving birth to something with quills sounds nasty."

Iolaus laughed, then turned serious. "I don't know how women do it. Have babies, I mean. Knowing that it's going to hurt and maybe. . ." His voice trailed off.

Hercules was surprised by the turn of the conversation. Iolaus rarely expressed serious thoughts when they had these rambling talks. Iolaus liked to pretend he wasn't very bright, although Hercules knew otherwise. He never understood why Iolaus seemed almost ashamed of his intelligence. Hercules filed that away for another time.

"Yeah, but they know they are creating a life. A whole new person."

"Yeah, but I still think I might be a Hestian virgin, if I were a woman."

"Iolaus, I don't think you and virgin go together in the same sentence."

As he laughed, Iolaus started to roll over, caught his breath sharply, and thought the better of it. He rested his chin on his arms and stared at Hercules' hand as it stirred the water.

"I miss them."

He said it so softly that Hercules wasn't sure he heard. He looked over his partner but Iolaus was still staring straight ahead. "So do I."

"I know we couldn't protect the world as well from giant two-headed slime-spewing, quill-throwing water beetles or whatever but still . . ."

There were times when they didn't talk. When they just were there for each other, together, knowing what the other was thinking so perfectly that words were unnecessary. This was one of those times. They lay, side by side, in silence, long enough that Hercules wondered if Iolaus had fallen asleep. He glanced over at Iolaus and saw his companion had his eyes almost but not quite closed.

"It's not a bad life." Iolaus voice was soft, sleepy. "Even with quills in the ass."

"You didn't get them in the ass." Hercules laughed, gently, quietly. "But I agree with you. It's not a bad life. Overall. I don't think anyone gets a perfect life, exactly what they want, when they want. Not the gods. Not mortals. So, I'm happy with what I have."

"Me, too." Iolaus turned his head, resting in on his folded arms, and smiled. "Provided the weather stays nice and no more quill-throwing monsters turn up until I've healed from the last one."

"Weather looks as if it will hold and I haven't seen any other monsters."

"I wouldn't mind a small monster, provided it didn't throw quills."

Hercules sighed and closed his eyes. "I would. Right now, I just want to lie here and do nothing."

Iolaus answer was a distant mumble. "Same here."

And the heroes slept.

December 2001