The Laws of Life
(November 2002 Golden Apple Challenge)

by Amorette

Murphius nudged Iolaus in the ribs and said, "C'mon, Iolaus. It will be fun. It will be a simple project."

Iolaus gave his old friend a dark look, then turned to his partner. "What do you think, Herc?"

Hercules looked up the hill at the pile of logs and boards that needed to be assembled into a stage for the upcoming festival. The site looked level, there were no overhanging cliffs or stacks of boulders that could be dislodged to bounce down on them. Still, Iolaus had taught Hercules the facts of life early on. Fact Number One, according to Iolaus, was it was never as easy as it looked. Hercules tended to agree with him. Still . . .

Murphius grinned hopefully at them. "Did I mention both my boys are performing in the pageant?"

Iolaus winced. Murphius knew playing the kid card would get them every time. He sighed and punched Hercules in the shoulder. "We might as well get on with it before he brings the kids in to give us those puppy dog eyes."

"Sure." Hercules stood. "And if we hurry, we can get you splinted and bandaged before dark."

Murphius looked insulted. "How can you say that, Hercules! I'm telling you, nothing can go wrong."

Iolaus moaned. "He said it, Herc. He actually said it!"

Hercules patted his friend comfortingly on the shoulder. "I know, Iolaus. I know. Let's go and get it over with before he spreads around any more curses."

"What," said Murphius, "Are you guys talking about?"

"Iolaus' Rule Number Two, "quoted Hercules as he headed up the hill, his partner trudging behind, "If anything can go wrong, it will."

Murphius just laughed. When they reached the pile, he started pacing out the size of the stage he wanted while Hercules wandered around, tossing small rocks out of the way, ignoring the way Iolaus flinched every time one went zinging through the air.

"It should be fifteen paces wide," Murphius was saying, "by ten paces deep. . .Eeek!"

The snake that slithered out from under a board was as surprised to see the man in front of him as the man was to see the snake. Murphius ran backward, without looking, and promptly ran into Iolaus, who fell over a handy pile of boards, landing with a grunt as Murphius landed on top of him.

"It's just a grass snake," said Hercules, who was ricocheting rocks off distant trees. "Nothing to be afraid of."

"I'm not afraid," replied Murphius firmly, muttering an apology to Iolaus as he climbed off his friend. "I was just startled."

"Damn," said Iolaus as he stood up. He turned around and peered at his own backside. "I tore my pants."

Hercules ambled over and knelt down to examine the damage. He traced his finger down the tear, which made Iolaus giggle.

"It's not a big tear," said Hercules, straightening. "I can fix it later."

"Maybe you should fix it now."

Iolaus and Hercules turned to look at their friend, who appeared to be staring down the hill, nervously.

"What's wrong?" asked Iolaus. "Herc is right. It isn't a big tear."

"Maybe."

There were several woman gathered around the village well and they had all stopped their gossiping to looked upward at the two heroes and their fellow villager. One of the woman waved and Murphius waved back. "It's just that my wife. . ."

"Your wife what?" Hercules was genuinely curious. Iolaus had wandered off to pace out the stage, since Murphius had been interrupted.

"Never mind. Just. . .make sure that tear doesn't get any bigger."

"All right," said Iolaus, "let's get these post holes dug so we can set the framework." He picked up a tool off the pile and tossed one to Hercules. "You start there. I'll start here."

"They are too close together."

"I paced off fifteen by ten."

"Of your paces." Hercules started walking and counting.

"Hey, wait!" Murphius tugged at the demigod's shirt. "Yours are too long. I'll do it."

He tried but the pile of wood was in the way. Sighing, Hercules and Iolaus shifted enough of the wood that Murphius could measure the stage to his satisfaction. Then Hercules and Iolaus started digging holes. They had them mostly completed when another villager wandered up to the site.

"What are you doing?" he asked pleasantly.

"Building the stage," replied Murphius. "Why?"

"You better make sure that wood is long enough to span between those posts. I cut most of it and I don't think it is."

"I knew it," muttered Iolaus, wiping the sweat from his face. He took off his vest and hung it over the handle of his shovel. Whenever you set out to do something, something else has to be done first."

"Huh?" said the villager.

"Iolaus' laws of life," replied Hercules, "number eight, I think."

"Seven," said Iolaus. "Before 'any time you put an item in a "safe place", it will never be seen again' and after 'everything takes longer than you think.'"

"You have rules for life?" asked Murphius as he and the other villager started to stack the wood by size.

"Oh, yeah." Iolaus picked up a board and joined in the effort. "I call them my facts of life. The not so fun facts. The real facts. The facts that bite you in the ass every time."

"Iolaus," said Hercules mildly, "is not a natural optimist."

"I used to be," Iolaus said, shaking his head. "But that was when I was too young to talk. Before I experienced life."

Murphius laughed and slapped Iolaus firmly on the shoulder. "It's a simple project, we have plenty of help, it's a beautiful day! What could go wrong."

"Iolaus Fact of Life Number Fifteen," muttered Iolaus, eyeing the sky. "Mother Nature is a Bitch."

Laughing again, Murphius said, "Fifteen! Even the birds and the bees don't need fifteen. So. . .what are they?"

Before Iolaus could begin reciting his list, a bird landed on a post balanced on the top of the pile and it all went downhill from there.

***

"Tell me those fac's of your again, Ol'us," mumbled Murphius, his voice garbled by the poppy-laced wine he had been given for the pain.

Iolaus had some trouble responding since he was lying face down, a position he would be assuming for several days to come. Muffled by the pillow, he still held up his fingers and started counting.

"One, nothing is as easy as it looks. Two, if anything can go wrong, it will. Three, big disasters are made up of smaller ones. . ."

Hercules, who was mending the large tear in the seat of Iolaus' pants, grinned but since Iolaus couldn't see him, was ignored.

"Four, it's never so bad it can't get worse. Five, if you drop something important, it will fall into a hard to reach place exactly at the distance of the tip of your fingers."

"Now, wait," interrupted Murphius. "Since Herculeseses arms are so much longer than yours, how come he can't reach it?"

Hercules answered, after he bit off the end of the thread. "Corollary. If Iolaus can almost reach it, when I reach for it, I manage to knock it just outside of my reach. It's what happened with those nails this afternoon."

"Six." Iolaus held up the index finger of his other hand. "Everything takes longer than you think.. Seven. . .

"Ooo, I remember this!" Murphius tried to stand up to pontificate but sat back down as soon as he put any weight on his bandaged ankle. "Whenever you start to do something, something else has to be done first."

"Correct!" Iolaus lifted his head enough to give Murphius a grin, then flopped his head back down on the pillow. "Eight. Any time you put anything away for safekeeping, you'll never see it again."

"Which reminds me," said Hercules, "we have to look for that magic ring we hid from Discord. I know it has to be in your forge somewhere."

"Nine. In order for something to get clean. . ."

Hercules finished the sentence, gesturing with Iolaus' pants towards Iolaus' vest, which was drying by the fire. "Something else has to get dirty."

Iolaus sighed. "That one applies so much to me, maybe I should make it number one. Number ten, you'll always find an easier way to do something after you finished it."

Now Morphius sighed. "At least, after we figured out the easier way, the rest of the men could finish the stage."

"Eleven." Iolaus frowned at his hands. "I've run out of fingers."

"Which, " said Hercules, "is why I told you to stop at ten rules in the first place."

"I would remind you," said Iolaus, lifting his head to glare at his partner, "that you are the one who insisted I add number eleven to the list."

Hercules thought about it. "You're right. It was my suggestion, wasn't it?"

"So what is number eleven?" asked Murphius.

"Number eleven," continued Iolaus, gesturing to Hercules, who obligingly held up a finger, "is just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD."

"I suggested Iolaus add that one," began Hercules, "the time he. . ."

Iolaus lobbed a boot at Hercules. "Let's not get into that now. Number twelve is being dead right, won't make you any less dead."

Hercules frowned. "I don't like that one."

Murphius gave Hercules an unfocused look as he managed to say, "Soun's goo' to me."

Iolaus sighed. "It's the whole dead thing. You know Herc and me and dead. Problem is. . ." He heaved another sigh, "It really does apply to me. Now what's number thirteen. . ."

"Number thirteen," replied Hercules, "Should be about number three because you learned it at the Academy. There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over."

"Right. That was my slogan in those days." Iolaus shifted a little, winced, and settled back down, then pointed at Hercules, who obligingly held up another finger. "Number fourteen, the greater the value of the rug, the greater the probability that the cat will throw up on it."

Murphius frowned. "That's an odd one for your list."

Hercules made a pained sound, while Iolaus chuckled. "Now there is a long story. It involves fine Persian carpets, the King of Corinth and a ratty house cat missing one ear. You see. . ."

"You tell that story," said Hercules threateningly, "And I'll tell the story about number eleven."

Iolaus flapped a hand at his friend. "Fine. Where was I? Number fifteen. . ."

The wind, which had been whistling around the eaves during the entire conversation, rose to a howling pitch, A corner of the roof was suddenly snatched into the air, allowing the drenching rain in pour into the room. Hercules tossed aside Iolaus' pants, looking around frantically for something to patch the hole while Iolaus finished, "Mother Nature is a bitch."

"You know," said Murphius, as he pulled his blanket over his head, "You're a damn sight smarter, Iolaus, than I ever gave you credit for."

Iolaus Fifteen Facts of Life
(taken from the "official" Murphy's Law site and arranged by the author's preference.)

1) It was never as easy as it looked
2) If anything can go wrong, it will
3) The big catastrophes are made up of smaller ones
4) It's never so bad it couldn't be worse.
5) A valuable falling in a hard to reach place will be exactly at the distance of the tip of your fingers.
6) Everything takes longer than you think
7) Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first
8) Any time you put an item in a "safe place", it will never be seen again
9) In order for something to get clean, something else must get dirty.
10) You will find an easy way to do it, after you've finished doing it.
11) Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD.
12) Being dead right, won't make you any less dead.
13) There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
14) The greater the value of the rug, the greater the probability that the cat will throw up on it.
15) Mother nature is a bitch

November 2002