Hero-ics
by Amorette

Hercules had the hiccups.

I was watching him get more miserable with every hic. When Herc hicced, it hurt, all those half god muscles clenching against his will. It had been this way since he was a kid. He'd hiccup and say ow. I was listening to that as we tried to sleep.

Hic. "Ow." Very softly, as if he were hoping I couldn't hear.

We'd tried all the usual remedies; holding his breath, drinking a glass of water standing on his head, breathing into my carry sack. None of them worked. I winced in sympathy as he hiccuped again. Sometimes, he'd get the hiccups after crying and I'd been held his embrace when the hiccups started. He'd nearly squeezed me flat by mistake. I knew how strong those hiccups were and I felt guilty, since they were my fault. Damn.

He'd started hiccuping late that afternoon, when something I said made him laugh while he was drinking some ale and now, close to midnight, he was still hiccuping. I gave up pretending to sleep and went over to where he was sitting, hunched over miserably by our banked fire.

"Sorry," I whispered into his ear as I rubbed his tense shoulders.

"Not your fault," he mumbled, trying and failing to suppress another hiccup.

"Yes, it is," I replied firmly, letting him know I would brook no argument. It was my fault I compared the tavern keeper to a cow Alcmene used to have and it was that comparison that started this.

"All right." Hic. "Ow. Your fault." He sighed. "How come you never get the hiccups?"

That was an exaggeration. I did get the hiccups, just not as often and not as painfully as Hercules. I didn't answer the question. He didn't expect me to. I just sighed and dug my fingers into the knotted muscles of his shoulders. We sat, listening to the sound of the river rushing below us.

When we were younger, I used to laugh at the noise he made but now I just squeezed his shoulders in sympathy. It was still a funny noise but after the first few, it stopped sounding as amusing to me.

Hic. "Ow."

Hic. "Ow."

"You know," he said, shifting a little, "Maybe I didn't hold my breath long enough."

"Herc, we tried that. . ."

He turned, looking up at me. "No, listen. You could hold me under the water. That way I couldn't cheat and sneak in a breath."

"Are you insane?" I gestured down towards the river. It was running fast and high with the spring snow melt. "Do you really think drowning is preferable to a few hiccups?"

"I don't want to drown. I just want to make sure I hold my breath long enough."

"Hercules, I am not going to hold you under water. Forget it."

Hic. "Ow."

There was a light breeze, blowing high wispy clouds across the moon. An owl winged past silently, from the trees at our back, down toward the river.

Hic. "Ow."

"In the first place," I said, "I can't actually hold you under."

"No, but you could count."

"Count?"

"The hiccups seem to be just over a minute apart. I figure, if you count to three minutes, that should be long enough."

I eyed him suspiciously.

"I can hold my breath for three minutes. We both can."

"That's why I'm thinking four minutes might be better."

Hic. "Ow. You're right. Four minutes. It will be a stretch but I can do it and it might get rid of these miserable things."

We walked down to the river. Herc was right. His hiccups were about a minute apart. He dropped to his knees next to a branch that hung out over the river.

"It's going to be cold," I said, having to shout into his ear over the sound of the water.

"I figure that should help. Should I take a deep breath?"

"I guess so. As soon as the next hiccup hits, take a deep breath and stick your head under."

We waited. Herc hiccuped, winced, took a deep breath and stuck his head under the water. I rested my hand on the back of his neck and started counting. One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand. Just as I got to one minute, I felt his body convulse a little. He tried instinctively to lift his head out of the water but I pushed back down and he subsided. I could feel the tension building in the neck muscles beneath my hand, which was also getting very cold and cramped in the water.

I had just hit ninety seconds when something reared out of the river directly in front of me.

In the wan light of the half moon, I couldn't see colors or details but I could tell that a large water serpent with the snout of a pike and rows of sharp teeth had just popped up. Before I had a chance to yank at Hercules and pull his head up, the serpent moved with lightning speed, its jaws grabbing the back of my vest, and I was up in the air, being flung into the middle of the river.

I knew the gods hated me, I thought as I twisted in midair, trying to avoid hitting the water while flat on my back, but surely they could be a little less obvious about it. Then I hit the water. I had gotten partly turned around so I my feet went in first but my entry was in no way graceful. Plus, the water was icy with the spring run off.

Kicking and paddling frantically, I managed to get my head above water and tried desperately to suck in some air. The cold of the water made my muscles tense and I barely managed a gasp before something grabbed my ankle and I was back under water again.

I tried to get to the knife I kept in the back of my belt but the serpent gave another tug and I was flung sideways against the current, my shoulder hitting something hard under the water. Instinctively, I sucked in my breath against the pain only I was still underwater. This was not going well. I was drowning, had no clue which was up, and couldn't see a damn thing.

Still, I don't give up easily. Fighting the rising panic, I kicked up and, to my great relief, my head broke the surface. I shook the water out of my eyes and I looked around to see where Hercules was. It was hard to see but I could make out a mass of frothing water upstream of where I surfaced. I imagined that is where I would find my partner. I managed a few breaths, although it wasn't easy, and started swimming towards where I was sure I would find Hercules.

My shoulder hurt. I was having trouble breathing. The water was so cold I could feel it sucking the life right out of me and the current wasn't helping either. Stick his head under water to cure his hiccups, I thought. Next time I'll hold him there until. . .

I didn't finish the thought. The tail of the serpent rose out of the water in front of me and came down directly on top of me. It shoved me down so hard I felt my feet touch bottom. Not good, especially since the miserable thing, while apparently twitching in its death throes, was effectively pinning me at the bottom of the river. Hercules had better do some serious rescuing soon or this was going to be embarrassing. I could just see myself explaining how I died. Well, you see, Herc had the hiccups and. . .

The serpent's tail slid off and something grabbed a handful of my vest. Just in time, I thought, as I sucked in a lungful of that icy water and everything went a little black.

I'm pretty sure not much time had passed when I found myself draped over Herc's arm, coughing up half the river, while he patted me on the back and said my name in that scared voice of his. I woke up enough to try to hold myself up and he let go. A moment later, he dropped a blanket around me and helped me to my feet. I was shivering like mad. He had to practically but not quite carry me to the fireside, where he promptly tossed a couple of logs on the embers. Then he was behind me, wrapping his arms around me to share his warmth.

"Are you all right," he whispered into my hair. My teeth were chattering so much I couldn't say anything but did manage to nod."

Hercules laughed softly. "One good thing. The scare took care of my hiccups."

"Great," I tried to say only it came out more like "Gre-up."

Damn. My only consulation, as Hercules chuckled merrily behind me, was that my hiccups usually weren't as painful or as long lasting as his. But that wasn't much.

"Should I hold your head underwater?" he asked and I just hicced in reply.

--August 2002