Forked Tongue
by Amorette

Hercules, who has been walking slightly ahead of Iolaus as they followed the narrow path through the valley, saw the snake first. It was basking on a rock, more than fifty feet of coiled muscle which rose up, hissing and spitting, when it sensed the approach of the two men. They knew what to do without discussion. Iolaus, smaller and more agile, would decoy the creature and Hercules would deal with it.

The snake, for some inexplicable reason, didn't take the bait. It didn't slither after Iolaus as he darted past, tossing a rock to bounce off the serpent's nose. Instead, it turned and headed straight for Hercules, who was crouching out of sight behind a boulder. Iolaus spun around as he realized the snake wasn't following him. Before he had a chance to even call out his partner's name, he heard Hercules scream.

Well, scream wasn't exactly the right word. It was more of a shriek. A high-pitched shriek. The sort of squeal Iolaus associated with startled young women rather than brave stalwart demigods. Heart in his throat, Iolaus ran down the hill he had just climbed, running around the boulder, sword in hand, dreading what he would find.

What he found was astonishing enough that he stood, dumbstruck, watching the snake lick Hercules. Iolaus blinked, rubbed his eyes, shook his head and looked again. Yup. The snake held itself an arm's length away from Hercules as its tongue flickered over the big man's body. Hercules batted at the forked pink tongue.

"Uh, Herc?" Iolaus wasn't sure what he should do. He didn't want to stick his sword in the snake for fear it would react by doing something much worse to Hercules than just lick him but still, Iolaus couldn't just stand there.

"Gah," said Hercules, trying to grab the tongue but failing. The snake's tongue was blindingly fast. "Cut that out!"

The snake stopped licking Hercules. Instead, it ducked its massive head down and peered up at Hercules, batting its eyes. If Iolaus didn't know better. . .

"Ah, Herc? What should we do?"

The snake's head whipped around as it reared back into striking position, opening its mouth wide as it hissed threateningly. Iolaus scrabbled backwards, raising his sword. Hercules thumped the snake on its back.

"Hey, leave him alone!"

Neither of them really expected the snake to respond. They both expected the thump to distract the serpent long enough for Iolaus to get clear. Instead, the snake dropped down again, nudging at Hercules' knees and whimpering.

Hercules looked at the snake, which was bumping up against him like a lonely dog in need of some attention from its master.

"This is weird." Hercules stepped towards Iolaus, trying to avoid the end of the snake, which was curling slowly around behind him.

"Yeah. You know, I think it likes you."

Hercules cautiously patted the snake on the top of its head. The snake responded by rubbing itself more enthusiastically against Hercules, forcing him back against the boulder.

Iolaus sheathed his sword, deciding that violence might not be the solution to this problem. "Maybe it's an enchanted princess or something."

"Maybe," Hercules agreed, pushing at the shining coils that the snake was still trying to entwine around his legs, "but it doesn't like you. Usually you're popular with princesses, enchanted or otherwise."

"Maybe I just startled it." Iolaus leaned forward and said, "Hello."

The snake hissed, rearing back again. Iolaus took the hint and took several steps backwards again.

"No, it doesn't like me." Iolaus snickered as the snake started licking Hercules again, to the demigod's obvious disgust. "But it really likes you."

"Great." Hercules stepped out of the coils, giving the snake another pat as he did so. "I suppose it's better than being swallowed but hey! that tickles!" The snake's tongue slid into his shirt and he dodged away, bumping into the boulder again.

"What do we do if it follows us?" Iolaus laughed again. "You, I mean. Are you going to keep it as a pet?"

"Ha. Ha. I mean it!" Hercules shook his finger threateningly at the snake. "You watch where you put that tongue. Now, Iolaus and I are going to be on our way."

Hercules tried to step away from the snake but the creature, sensing that its new friend was trying to leave, whipped its massive body around, catching Hercules in its coils.

Worried, Iolaus laid his hand on his sword hilt as he asked, "Are you all right?"

"Fine. It's not squeezing hard or anything. Hey! Stop licking me there!"

Iolaus didn't know if he should laugh or try to rescue his friend. Hercules didn't seem in any immediate danger, except from embarrassment. Giving up for the moment, Iolaus sat down on a handy stump to watch in amusement as the snake tried to sneak its tongue into places Hercules didn't want it to go.

"We can't kill it, it's too nice." Iolaus stifled a laugh as Hercules let out with the high-pitched shriek again. Now he knew why Hercules had screamed like that. He probably would have done the same thing, had a giant snake stuck its tongue where it was currently licking Hercules. "I mean, just because it likes you more than me isn't a capital offense."

Hercules, who had managed to grab the flickering tongue before it did anything else embarrassing, glared first at the snake, then at his partner. "I don't know about that." He looked back at the snake. "I let this go, you stop licking me. Agreed?"

The snake nodded its head, retracting its tongue as Hercules released it.

"So, we have an. . .affectionate snake who understands what we say to it. Why not just ask nicely if it would let you go?"

"Fine." Hercules patted the snake on the head again. "It's been very nice meeting you and I'd love to stay but Iolaus and I have to be going. We're expected somewhere."

Iolaus watched as Hercules struggled to free his legs. "No luck, huh?"

"No." Hercules sighed. "Look, I really don't want to hurt you. You're a very nice snake. But I do have to leave. Please?"

The snake's response was to start licking Hercules' face again.

"Hey," said Iolaus, who was circling slowly around the serpent holding his friend to see if any likely solution appeared when looking at the situation from a different angle. "If you look at the mark on the top of the snake's head from this angle, it looks kind of like. . ."

Hercules squinted at the scales on the snakes' head. The snake was generally a dark bluish green, its underbelly a paler aquamarine color, but on the top of the snake's head was a pattern of bronze colored scales.

". . .the crossed swords of . . ."

Iolaus didn't finish the sentence. Hercules did. "Ares."

The snake's head came up and it looked around, as if it expected the God of War to appear at the sound of his name.

"Oh, great." Hercules sounded, to Iolaus' experienced ear, just the tiniest bit stressed. "This thing belongs to Ares."

"Why would Ares have a snake that attacks you by licking you? I mean, I know he's a little bent but this. . ."

Through gritted teeth, as Hercules pushed the snake's tongue away yet again, he said, "I would like to know the answer to that myself. Ares! Ares! ARES!"

Hercules' voice went up on the last word as the snake's tongue crept around where it shouldn't. Hercules was busy pulling pink tongue out of his trousers so he didn't notice when Ares appeared in response to his call.

"Oh, crap," said the god.

Iolaus blinked. Usually, when Ares showed up he was either grinning like a maniac or snarling in fury. Iolaus didn't think he had ever seen Ares with quite the look on his face that the god had now, a sort of annoyed, impatient, frustrated expression that wasn't anger but looked almost indulgent, the sort of expression that made Iolaus think of an affectionate parent faced with a recalcitrant child.

Before Hercules could ask about the snake's strange behavior, the snake lunged away from Hercules and towards Ares, its sudden movement pulling Hercules' legs out from under him. He landed on the ground with an "oof" just as the snake started licking Ares with even more enthusiasm than it had done Hercules.

"Cut that out!"

Iolaus laughed as Ares' voice went up in a shriek. The god grabbed the snake's tongue and didn't let go as he scrambled back to his feet.

"How many times," said Ares, through clenched teeth, as he pried open the snake's jaws and stuffed the tongue back into its mouth, "have I told you not to do that!"

The snake dropped its head on the ground and rolled over, wriggling. Iolaus was again reminded of a dog in need of attention.

"Good heavens," exclaimed Iolaus,"You didn't get that thing to replace Graegus, did you?"

"No!" Ares glared ferociously at the snake, although Hercules and Iolaus both noticed he was surreptitiously scratching it with one toe. "This stupid thing is supposed to be a replacement for my sacred snake."

Hercules frowned. "What sacred snake?"

"The one Cadmus killed." The god gave up and started rubbing the snake under its chin, which made the thing writhe in obvious delight. "Harmonia found this egg in the Underworld and thought, since it was her husband that killed my snake, she should replace it."

"But wasn't the snake Cadmus killed more of a dragon and dangerous?" Hercules asked.

"Yes." Ares made a face as he tried to avoid the snake's coils, which were wrapping slowly around him. "The snake he killed was a monster from the time of the Titans. Mean as Hera with a hangover. This stupid thing. . ."

"It likes you," observed Iolaus, who was having a great difficultly in not bursting out laughing. Had Hercules not been poking him painfully in the ribs every few seconds, Iolaus would have been rolling on the ground in hysterics.

"Really?" Ares' voice dripped with sarcasm. "What makes you say that?" He sidestepped the snake's coils again.

"It likes Herc, too."

The god shook his head. "No accounting for taste. I don't know why but she likes all the sons of Zeus. I tested her once. She went for Hephaestus like he was a particularly tasty rat but Apollo, of all miserable bastards, she was all over him." A smile, more like Ares' usual expression, flickered across the god's face. "He hated it."

"I can see why," muttered Hercules, tugging at the waistband of his trousers. "So what is it. . ."

"He said it's a she," interrupted Iolaus brightly, earning him a dark look from both god and half god.

"What is she," continued Hercules, "doing here?"

"I couldn't use her to protect my sacred spring. I mean it, put that tongue back in your mouth right now or I'm leaving. She is willing to eat mortals and attack anyone who isn't a son of Zeus but that still leaves, what, a couple of hundred gods, demigods and monsters that she'll slobber over."

"Frankly," said Hercules, "I would go out of my way to avoid her."

"Yeah, but if you really had to get around her, you'd let Chuckles over there make the end run while you kept her occupied. Doesn't exactly discourage intruders. My old snake, he'd rip anyone in half but this one. . .can you see it? Avoid Ares' sacred spring or get a tongue in your trousers."

That was more than Iolaus could take. He burst out laughing and there was a pause while Ares, Hercules and the snake glared at him until he wiped his eyes and got himself under control.

Ares was still petting the snake's head while the end of the creature was curling back around Hercules' legs. Sighing, Hercules stuck out his boot and rubbed the thing, which reacted with a sound that Iolaus could only describe as cooing. He had to bite his lip and stare into the surrounding woods for a few moments.

"Why don't you take it back to the Underworld," asked Hercules, "if that's where it. . .she. . .came from?"

"I can't." Ares glared at the snake, who was wrapping her tongue around his ankle. "She was a present from Harmonia. I don't know about you but I can't give back a present from my daughter. She'd be upset. Our relationship is difficult enough, what with her being dead and all. I don't need to make it worse by telling her I don't like her gift."

"So you just leave her here, to attack innocent strangers and get lonely."

"She didn't attack you. . ." Ares paused and pulled his boot free of the snake's mouth, glaring at her.

"She attacked Iolaus."

"Yeah, right. Like he's innocent."

Iolaus, who had gotten his giggles under control, interrupted. "Excuse me, guys. Herc has a point. The poor thing is obviously lonely. Isn't there some son of Zeus who'd like a friendly snake? How about Cupid? I mean, he's a grandson of Zeus but I'd think the tongue thing would be right up his alley."

Ares had given up and conjured up a nice throne so he could sit down and let the snake put her head in his lap. He kept petting her absentmindedly while Hercules did something similar at the other end.

"Feathers," sighed Ares, "and snakes. Not a pretty sight. Besides, the generation seems to make a difference. I thought Deimus and Phobus would have a grand time with her but she liked them about as much as she liked you."

"So, you said Apollo was out."

"He was disgusted." Ares flashed a grin. "It was great."

"Um," Iolaus said, settling down comfortably, putting the image of how the three of them must look out of his mind. "So, no Apollo. Dionysus?"

"Snakes and grapes? Are you crazy? Besides, he visits his grandmother regularly and he'd tell Harmonia that I didn't like her gift."

"Fine." Iolaus glanced at Hercules, who was actually sitting on a coil of the snake's and looked comfortable, considering. "Has to be a son, huh? No daughters?"

"Nope. You should have heard Athena scream. . ." Ares chuckled darkly and gave the snake such an affectionate rub that it cooed again. "Aeacus likes snakes but since he's in the Underworld, it gets back to Harmonia again."

"Why can't you keep her with you?"

"What?"

Iolaus repeated the question. "Look at you. Why not just keep her around in some temple or another? She doesn't have to be a guardian of anything. She could just be a pet."

Ares and Hercules were both looking at Iolaus as if they thought he were insane.

"C'mon, Ares. She likes you and, let's face it, you like her."

Ares looked down at the hand that was stroking the snake's head as if he weren't quite sure how that appendage had gotten attached to him. Her tongue flickered out at his ear, making the miniature sword he wore as an earring dance and forced a sound that resembled a giggle of out of the god.

"I'm the God of War," said the God of War, thumping the snake lightly on the top of her head. She retracted her tongue but didn't seem particularly chastened. "I don't keep pets. Graegus is the Dog of War. My vultures, my crows, my wolves, they are all working animals."

"So give her a job." Iolaus was trying his best to sound logical, even as another series of giggles threatened to burst from his throat, as the snake cooed and wriggled under Ares' attentions. "You said she hates the daughters of Zeus. Make her the guardian of something you don't want Discord to get into."

Ares raised an eyebrow. Hercules, who was reclining into the coils, sat up straight.

"You know, Ares, Iolaus has a point. Maybe she's no good as a general guardian but surely there is someplace where she could scare off the mortal populace. There are a lot more living beings that aren't the sons of Zeus than are."

The snake suddenly pulled her head out of Ares lap and lunged over to give Hercules a long lick up the side of his head. The she whirled around to stare at Iolaus, who held up a hand.

"Really, that's fine. I don't mind that you don't like me. You don't have to lick me. Just don't eat me, all right?"

The snake nodded, then returned her attention to the god. Ares, who was drumming his fingers on the arm of this throne while he sucked on his lower lip, considered the creature. She made no sound but even a mortal like Iolaus could hear the unspoken plea.

Ares extended his hand and laid a forefinger on the tip of the snake's nose. "I'll agree to this miserable mortal's suggestion on one condition."

The snake gave such a violent wriggle that Hercules was tossed aside.

"You keep that tongue of yours to yourself unless I specifically ask you to lick me."

Iolaus tapped the snake lightly on the back of her head. "He'll probably ask you at some point. He's pretty perverse."

"Hey!" Ares shot a small fireball at the mortal, which Iolaus easily ducked.

Iolaus gave the god a wide-eyed look. "What? Am I wrong?"

Ares pursed his lips as he shook his head, managing to look a little embarrassed. "Well, no, but do you have to discuss it in front of baby brother over there?"

Hercules, who was dusting himself off, said, "It's not like it's a surprise."

"I've got some pretty good stuff in one of my temples and I suspect a few light-fingered priests are taking advantage of it," Ares said as he stood up, the throne behind him melting away. "You guard it and, if things go well, we'll see about moving you to Olympus. I do have a few things I would be happy to keep away from the boys."

The snake let out another long coo and wrapped herself around Ares so completely that he vanished into her coils. That didn't last too long, as Iolaus and Hercules heard the god swearing and the snake quickly loosened her grip. His head, his normally tidy black curls disheveled, appeared again.

"NO licking unless I say so and NONE OF THAT! Maybe I will just leave you here."

The snake slid away, although she still kept her tail wrapped around the god's legs.

"You know, Ares," remarked Iolaus, as he caught his breath after laughing again, "being a god and all, I'm surprised this obvious solution didn't occur to you before this."

Ares, who was trying to free at least one leg from the coils, gave Iolaus a look that spoke volumes of the violence he'd like to wreck upon the mortal. "I didn't think of it because, frankly, she doesn't strike me as the slightest bit frightening. Annoying, yes, frightening, no. My old snake, he was one mean son of a bitch, twice her size, the color of blood and when he came after you. . ." A nostalgic look replaced the anger in the god's expression. "He even made me nervous. I just find it hard to believe anyone would be afraid of this."

The snake pulled away from Ares, reared up and launched herself at Iolaus, hissing and spitting. Not expecting the sudden attack, Iolaus scrambled away, automatically reaching for his sword, stopping only when the snake's tongue brushed against the end of his nose. Then she looked back at Ares, her expression, well, Iolaus could only describe it as smug.

"See," said Iolaus a little breathlessly, "I've faced hydra's and sea serpents and even Graegus and she scares me."

"Hmmm. So, from a purely mortal, non son of Zeus. . ."

"Not ordinarily easy to scare," added Hercules helpfully.

"Whatever. . .perspective, she is scary."

"Trust me," said Iolaus, sounding very sincere, "if I weren't used to running into things like her regularly, I'd be wetting myself in a heartbeat. As it is, if she came after me I would think twice about trying to take her on and we all know how ridiculously reckless I am."

"He gets killed all the time," said Hercules. "because he never thinks twice. So if he is saying, he'd think twice. . ."

"Yeah, yeah, I get your drift."

The snake batted her eyelashes at Ares. It occurred to Iolaus that he had never seen a snake with eyelashes before.

"Oh, all right," said Ares, trying to look stern and not entirely succeeding. He gave the snake a cuff on the side of her head but Iolaus recognized the gesture as affectionate rather than angry. "You guard the temple treasury. If that works out. . .and you behave yourself, then maybe--maybe, mind you--you can move into my temple on Olympus."

The snake rolled over on her belly, shivering with delight at Ares' words. When he stopped talking, she slid over to Hercules, who gave her a cautious pat. She rewarded him with another lick, carefully keeping it above his belt. He patted her again. Then she moved slowly over to Iolaus, keeping her head on level with his.

"Um," said Iolaus, "Trust me Ares. When a person sees a snake that is obviously big enough to eat a person without even unhinging its jaws, the person will find that snake unnerving. Even when that person is me and I know the snake in question isn't planning on having me for lunch."

"Hmpf," was all Ares said.

The snake extended its tongue. Iolaus held very still, even holding his breath, while the tongue flicked delicately across his face, around his neck and started down his chest.

Ares grabbed the snake's tail and gave it a yank. "Hey! You hate mortals, remember? No exceptions, even for him."

The snake gave Iolaus one, last lick, then turned back and coiled loosely around Ares.

"If this doesn't work out," said Ares, "I will come back and let this snake do whatever she wants to both of you."

As the air itself was ripped open by blue sparks and Ares and his snake started to vanish, both Iolaus and Hercules heard the god's fading voice saying, "I said cut that out!"

Iolaus rubbed his hand over his face, trying to get that last image of Ares and the snake out of his mind.

"That was different." Hercules was still fussing with the waistband of his trousers.

"Imagine giving your father a snake egg as a present."

"Imagine having Ares as your father."

"From everything I've heard, he's actually a pretty good father." Iolaus scratched his head. "Which is to say, I've heard horrible things about Apollo and Zeus and most of the other gods as fathers but never anything bad about Ares."

"Yeah." Hercules sighed, apparently deciding there was nothing more he could with his pants. "Aphrodite says he could never say no to his daughters."

"Now there's an even more horrifying thought. Aphrodite as a strict mother!"

The two men laughed, nervously at first, than raucously as the last few moments of their always unusual life struck them. Hercules leaned on the boulder while Iolaus had to sit down until he recovered.

"You should have seen your face," gasped Iolaus, "when that tongue went down your pants."

"Yeah, and yours was green with envy."

Iolaus tossed a small rock at Hercules, who retaliated with a very large rock, carefully aimed to go over his friend's head. When they had both recovered, they started walking again, continuing on the journey that had been interrupted by the snake.

As they crested the ridge that led out of the valley, Iolaus said, "I wonder what her names is?"

"Whose?"

"The snake's."

Hercules aimed a cuff at Iolaus' head, then laughed. "Next time we see Ares, we'll have to ask."

"Which reminds me, I wanted to ask you how that tongue felt when it. . ."

Iolaus couldn't finish the question because he had to save his breath for running.

The End

March 2002