BAD HABITS
by Amorette

In which we learn what Iolaus does to relax before he falls asleep. And it isn't say his prayers.

Hercules rolled over, trying to find a more comfortable spot on the hard ground. Why was it that no matter how carefully a person checked the place where a person laid his blanket, as soon as a person was lying down, a sharp rock or a twig or a bug that hadn't been there before appeared? If there was a god of annoyances, Hercules thought, pulling out the rock that was poking him in his hip, Hercules would like to find him and break him in half because he was feeling darned annoyed just now. And then, at that very moment, he heard a faint, familiar sound from across the now dead campfire.

"Iolaus?"

His companion didn't answer but Hercules knew his friend was awake.

Carefully spacing the name out into three distinct syllables, Hercules repeated, "Iolaus."

"What?" Iolaus' voice sounded annoyed, too, but also slightly breathless.

"Are you doing what I think you're doing?"

Now his friend's voice sounded even more aggrieved. "Of course I am! Now shut up."

"Good grief! You spent a week with what's-her-name, Evanthea, and here you are, barely twelve hours out of her bed, jerking off. You really are a piece of work, you know that?"

"C'mon, Herc. It's not like this is a surprise to you. Now do you mind?"

"Yes, actually. I do."

"What?" Iolaus sounded genuinely startled and it wasn't often his long-time companion could do or say something that startled him.

"Do you have any idea how annoying it is, to have to listen to you night after night? Just as I am about to fall asleep, unless you are near death or unconscious, I have to listen to you."

When Iolaus replied, Hercules could tell he was gritting his teeth. "So you'd think by now you'd be used to it. And it's not like I'm all that loud. . .when I'm by myself."

"True but it still bugs me."

"And why, pray tell, after all these years did you suddenly pick tonight to mention it?"

"I'm not sure." Hercules was trying very hard to keep that proper tone of annoyance in his voice, even though he was grinning up at the cloudy sky. Good thing there was no moon or stars so that he was nearly invisible to Iolaus. "I guess I just kept hoping you'd outgrow it."

"Well, I haven't." Iolaus wasn't sure if he should be angry or upset and his voice reflected that uncertainty.

"I don't get it, Iolaus. Are you really insatiable or is it just habit? Habits can be broken, you know."

Now Iolaus' voice was angry. "I don't know that it is any of your business in the first place! If it bothers you, I'll just do it a little further away from you in the future."

"Well, maybe it doesn't bother me that much. I just wonder, though. . .do you do it when you're with someone? I mean, do you have sex and then roll over and whack off? Because I'd think your partner might be a touch insulted if you did."

"Oh for. . .Okay, I'm sorry if it bugs you. You should have said something twenty years ago. Now can we just shut up and go to sleep?"

"When we were kids," Hercules continued as if his partner hadn't spoken, "and we'd go at each other for hours, I seem to remember you falling asleep without doing it. Maybe the problem is we don't have sex with each other anymore. Why was it we stopped, anyway?"

There was absolute silence for a moment before Iolaus, his voice sounding stunned, replied, "You told me you thought you'd outgrown it."

"Oh, yeah. That was right after I had sex with a woman for the first time. You'd been screwing around for a couple of years already and you kept telling me women were better than men in some respects. I guess I just decided you were right."

"Herc?"

"Yes?"

"I like women. I mean, I really, really like women but I still like men, too."

"And you really, really like yourself." Now he couldn't stop his amusement from showing in his voice.

"Yeah, well, I'm pretty likable, wouldn't you say? Pleasant to look at, good teeth, nice personality, and I can do things in bed that are guaranteed to make your toes curl, whether you are male or female."

"Now that you mention it," said Hercules, fully aware that his partner was standing up and walking towards him, "I do seem to recall a few talents of yours in that respect."

When Iolaus spoke, it was from next to Hercules. "And I have had lots of practice since then. Picked up a few new techniques, too."

"Really?" Hercules could see Iolaus faintly, standing over him, a darker outline against the dark sky. "Such as?"

Iolaus knelt down, leaned forward, and touched his lips to his partner's. "Such as this." Then he did something with his hand that made Hercules' toes curl.

Iolaus really wasn't very loud when he was just doing himself. Anyone but Hercules, with his semi-divine hearing, probably couldn't even hear Iolaus when he wanted to be quiet. Just now, however, Iolaus wasn't being quiet. Neither was Hercules.

"So why," asked Iolaus, as they lay panting together, "after all these years of not screwing each other, did you pick tonight to decide we should do it again?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes."

"It's a little embarrassing."

"You want embarrassing? This whole night falls under that category, up to and including this conversation. Why?"

Hercules laughed self-consciously. "When I showed up to get you, Evanthea just had this. . .aura about her. I mean, she looked as if. . ."

"I'd been screwing the living daylights out of her for six days and she'd been enjoying it. That look."

"Yeah. She looked really, really satisfied and I just got to thinking, I haven't felt that way in a long time and . . ." He took a deep breath. "And unlike some people I could mention, I haven't been getting any lately."

Iolaus laughed, his throaty, after-sex laugh, that Hercules hadn't heard in a long time. "That's not my fault. Why do you think I've been jerking off not ten feet away from you for the last twenty years? Although I have to admit, I really had given up on getting you back and was just, well, doing it out of habit. And it helps me sleep. Why is no matter how carefully you check for rocks or sticks or anthills, the minute you start to fall asleep, suddenly there is some sharp object jabbing you?"

"I don't know." Hercules sighed, sliding his arm around Iolaus and resting his forehead against his friend, using his lover's body as a pillow. "The only thing that's been poking me tonight doesn't seem to be keeping me awake."

Iolaus waited. He waited until he heard that faint nose whistle that Hercules made only when he was asleep, then he slid his hand down his belly. It only took a few minute motions and Iolaus felt Hercules awaken.

"Iolaus! Are you doing what I think you're doing?"

May 2000