I was in the library, studying for my finance class when I heard someone calling my name... I should say screaming my name.

"Allyyyyyyyyyyy!"

All the students around had to shush. I thought of hiding myself under the table but it was already too late.

"Kimmy... Hi..." I forced myself to say, with a fake smile.

She sat down next to me and giggled.

"Ally! I was looking for you! Where have you been?" she asked with that high voice of hers.

We heard some guy screaming: "Hey! Can you please... Shut the fuck up???"

Kimmy gasped and made a fast cross sigh.

"There are mean people" she whispered with her crazy eyes staring at me.

"Oh... yeah..." I mumbled.

"Anyway... I wanted to ask you something... I can sense that you're not like everyone else here. You are different... "

"Okay... Go ahead..."

She leaned closer.

"Are you a v... virgin?" she asked and then blushed.

She put a hand on her mouth and gasped again, ashamed of her own question.

"No... I am not a virgin but I would like to be one." I said, helding back a laugh.

She didn't get the sarcasm so she pratically jumped on her chair.

"Oh! I knew that you were a special person!" she exclaimed.

I looked up at the ceiling with exasperation. The worst thing was that she was following my every move and wasn't noticing that she was getting on my nerves.

"I started a private group.... we're all v...virgins or chaste girls promoting chastity before marriage. Would... Would you like to join us?" she asked, nervously.

"I would but... right now, I'm into a "get a crush on a guy" therapy because I'm trying to get over an old boyfriend..."

"Oh! Oh! I'm really sorry about that..." she replied, a hand on my arm. "Perhaps we could help you... with our prayers..."

I raised up. That was enough!

"Great! See ya!"

I took my books back and almost ran out.

"We'll pray for you Ally!" she screamed.

"SHUT UP!" some students screamed back.

October 21, 1993
I'm going to the Law practice simulation group in about an hour and... I'm very nervous!I did practice my closing but my hands are shaking. I'm really scared about it! I never really liked to speak in public... it's so stressing... and the idea to get feedbacks... Ouch!
An other thing, I'm kind of nervous because of Larry. Renee thinks that this is it... THE crush... But I'm not really attracted to him... really... I just feel a little intimitated because I told him everything about me the other day... I feel vulnerable... Anyway, I have to go now.... Oh! What should I wear??

Renee was really amazing. Her closing was remarquable. She was full of self-confidence, capturing our attention and making us believe in what she was saying. In fact, she was so capturing that she made me forget about the presence of Larry a few chairs away from mine. When she finished, we all applauded. I was so proud of her that I had almost tears in my eyes.

SHE was a lawyer.

Then I heard Larry saying my name.

"Ally..."

It was the first time I heard him saying my name. He did say my full name the other day but this time, it felt different. It sounded sweet. I turned my head to look at him. I stared into his eyes and it seemed to me that he could see through me. I got the idea that he was probably remembering "my first night with Billy story" and wondering how it was really like. Oh Gosh!

There were two guys between us but I'm sure that he did notice my blushing . I saw a smile on his lips. A sweet smile... that kind of smile that makes your heart melt. He, on his side wasn't feeling uncomfortable at all.

Maybe he was used with girls staring at him with adoration... Renee didn't miss a bit of it.

"Ally..." he repeated again. "It's your turn."

My heart stopped. I felt Renee's hand on my shoulder. Before I raised from my chair, she whispered in my ear:

"Have you count until three?" she asked imitating my voice.

"Ooopsie... I'm in love..."

She giggled soflty.

"I'm going to kill you." I said between my teeth.

Then I raised up and took place in front of everyone. I could feel that my cheeks were burning hot.

I frozed and searched for Renee but she was searching in her book. Then my eyes met Larry's and couldn't let go of them.

"I... I... had to work on the Hudson's case." I began, nervously. "This case is about a...a..."

I stopped, panicked and Larry automatically nodded to encourage me. I read "you can do it" on his lips. I took a deep breath.

"This is a case about a woman suing her compagny because they wont let her work part time. She just had a baby and she wants to... to spend more time home... So... here's my... my closing."

Larry smiled. I took a step forward and began.

"I'm wondering where the society goes. We're encouraging women to get a carreer yes... but we tend to forget that the experience of having a child is the most..."

I noticed that my voice was trembling and that people were staring at me seriously. Even Larry was looking serious. I thought that something was wrong.

"... is the most incredible..." I continued, feeling my legs weakening. Then the worst happened... I couldn't remember anything and started to tremble. All the students were feeling uncomfortable and I had the idea to dig a hole in the floor and to hide in it.

"I... I'm sorry... I.. can't..."

I ran out of the room and hurried in the corridor.

"Ally!"

It was Larry.

"Wait Ally! Where are you going?" he asked, holding me back.

"Please... Let me go!" I said as tears were starting to blind me. He made me face him, his hands on my shoulders. I bursted into tears. I was feeling so desesperate that it took me a while to realise that he had his arms around me.

"It's okay... You just panicked." he said softly, stroking my hair. "It happens to everyone..."

"Not to you or Renee!" I cried on his shoulder. "I... I can't be a lawyer.. I don't have it... I..."

"Hey! Calm down!" he replied, hugging my tightly "You're thinking that public speaking isn't stressful for me? I always have some stage fright. Stress can be a motivator you know. You just have to control it."

"I messed up my closing. I was making a fool of myself."

"You were not..." he said soflty.

"Everybody was looking at me with mean eyes... even you... You just stopped smiling."

Larry laughed. I stepped back, making a way out of his arms.

"Ally... what do you expect? You were doing a closing it's not like stand up comedy... Okay... Next time, I'll clap in my hand and cheer up if you want... Go Ally! Go!"

"Don't you laugh at me." I warned him. "There won't be a... next time..."

"Oh! Come on..."

Then, he surprised me with a soft kiss on the forehead.

"Oh! Wh... what was that?" I asked in a breath.

"A kiss on your forehead." he said timidly.

"Wh...what for...?" I stammered.

"I don't know..."

He was looking at his shoes.

"You... don't know?"

"Hey! It's just a friendly kiss on the forehead... No big deal! It's not like I just started to tear off your clothes."

I tried to picture that which made me blush.

"A friendly kiss... Are... are we friends Larry?" I asked, doubtful.

"Yeah..."

"We barely know each other!"

"We spent almost what... eight hours of talking the other night remember?"

"So..."

"We're like friends."

"Oh!" I replied, wondering if he was just acting like a kid or totally making fun of me. "Because I told you everything about my sexual life with Billy, you assume that you know everything about me... and that we're friends?"

"I like you." he simply said, raising his shoulders.

Suprisingly, I felt happy about it.

"W...we... we don't even get along!" I replied, focusing on the wet spot that my tears had left on his shirt.

"Okay... let's say that we don't get along... Why did we spent the other night talking about everything.. and why did I achieve to comfort you a moment ago? I'm wondering... if we really did get along what would we do?" he asked, staring intensively into my eyes.

My heart seemed to stop and I replied in my mind: "We would fall in love that's all."

"No... no... We just don't get along, Larry..." was all that I managed to say.

"Yes... we do!" he said with the most incredible smile.

I sighed.

"You just don't give up... don't you?" I said, smiling back to him. "You win this one!"

He kissed me on the forehead again but this time quickly. "Hey!" I let out.

"Just a friendly kiss!" he warned, laughing. "Now... Let's go back inside."

He took my hand in his and I had no choice but to follow him inside. Renee face lighted up when she saw us enter. Her eyes went to our faces and then to the wet spot on Larry's shirt. She raised her thumb up like all of this was something I had planned. If I had a gun in my pocket, I could have kill her for that because Larry saw the look she gave me and let my hand go.

I sat next to her and she leaned over.

"So this is it?" she asked with a giggle.

I looked around making sure that Larry couldn't hear me.

"It's official. He's my Billy substitute." I declared, my heart pounding in my ears.

October 27, 1993
What am I doing? I'm going on a date with Larry... Oh My Gosh! Well, it's not a date-date... because he says that it's a friendly date. He's taking me to a nice restaurant because I did a brillant (that's his word!) closing yesterday... without blanking or running out of the room. So basically, we're going to celebrate! Great! What am I going to wear? What am I doing????

It almost felt like a romantic night. I'm saying almost because all the elements were there... a delectable dinner, romantic music in background and of course, Larry looking absolutely handsome in a black suit. I was wearing a black dress with tiny straps. I think that I looked sexy... Renee said that I was, but she's a woman so...

The only thing missing in this almost prefect evening was the talking. For the first time Larry and I didn't know what to say. We were eating in silence, staring at our plates. It was strange.

"Are you okay?" Larry asked, finally looking at me.

"I'm okay? You?" I asked back, nervously.

"Yeah... So... how was your day?"

"Great... yours?"

Larry sighed and threw his napkin on the table.

"Okay... what's going on?" he asked, finishing his question by a sign of the hands meaning "between you and me".

"I...I don't know..." I replied, looking back at my plate.

Of course, I, personally was lying because I knew what was wrong. I just had started to realise that Larry had a troubling effect on me. I just couldn't look at him, every time that our eyes met, they just glued to each other and I got a warm feeling going all through my body. In other words, I had a major crush on him. It was almost impossible to feel casual with him.

"We used to have so much fun!" he said with disappointment.

"What do you mean by... we used to? Larry, you're talking like we know each other for years but we just....met!"

"I know... but something changed!"

"Maybe we... we just realised that... there's no possible friendship between us..." I explained, playing nervously with my fingers.

He rubbed his forehead with a concern look and then stared back at me.

"Then... what are we doing here?" he asked, searching my eyes.

My eyes went from his eyes to his lips.

"I don't know... Do you?"

"No."

We sighed at the same time which made us laugh.

"Okay we're just bored and a little stressed ...midterms and all...you know..." he said as an explanation.

"You're right..."

"Okay... let's go!" he said, raising up from his chair.

"Where?"

"Come on!" he said, already behind me and helping me to get up.

A few minutes later we were in a bar, staring at the multitude of shooters of Tequila in front of us.

"Larry I got an exam tomorrow..."

"Me too... But you know what? We're still young... we can party a little!"

I laughed.

"Let's make a toast" he proposed, raising his shooter of tequila. "To our friendship."

"Okay... To our friendship."

We drank it with a grimace and took four other shooters each, one after the other. The effect of the alcool didn't wait to show up. I felt dizzy. I think that Larry felt the same way because he started laughing.

"Wait! We forgot the salt and the lemon!"

"Oh!" I laughed "We have to do it all again!"

Larry took the opportunity to move a little closer to me.

A song began... It was some blues.

That kind of sexy, blues song...

Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel
Like a natural woman

"I'm not sure that I remember how to do it though." he said in my ear.

"I do..."

I don't know if it was the alcool, the song that was playing or just.. Larry but... then... I did something completely unexpected and crazy...

I took his hand in mine and quickly lick the top of it. Larry moved closer again. We were now dangerously close. I dropped some salt on the spot of saliva and waited for him to drink his shooter.

"Drink it..." I told him.

But he just stood there, staring into my eyes like he never did before. I felt my body shivering when he slid the shooter to my side, asking me silently to lick his hand again.

Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel
Like a natural woman

That song wasn't helping.

I took his hand back. It was soft and then licked it slowly anticipating his reaction. He bit his lower lips, his eyes still on me. Then he held the shooter of Tequila so I could drink it. Finally, he made me bite into the piece of lemon.

"Oh..." I said feeling some lemon juice running down on my chin.

Larry wiped it away with a finger, a sexy smile on his lips.

We knew we had crossed the line.

When my soul was in the lost and found
You came along to claim it
And didn't know just what was wrong with me
Oh till your kiss helped me name it

"My turn now..." he said, letting a hand around my waist.

"What do I do first?"

He slowly let his hand ran down on the naked part of my back. I shivered with pleasure. He held me closer to him.

"Ally..." he said soflty, waiting for... instructions.

I could feel his breath on the top of my head.

Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel
Like a natural woman

"Oh...huh... First... you... lick.." I stammered, my head turning.

He took my hand in his and dropped a sensuous kiss on my fingers, his eyes still staring into mine. Then he ran his tongue slowly on the top of my hand. I don't know if he heard the little moan that escaped from my lips because the music was loud....

Oh baby what you've done to me
You make me feel so good inside
Good inside
And I, I just wanna be close to you
Because you make me feel so alive

"Then? What do I do?" Larry asked in my ear.

"S... Salt"

He did as told.

"Tequila... no wait... lick..." I said weakly.

But he had already drank the shooter and took the lemon. I giggled.

"You forgot... huh..."

But he had "forgotten" on purpose...

He lifted my hand to his lips and licked the salt from my hand. He searched my eyes probably looking for some encouragement. It was too late, I just couldn't resist and he surely understood it. He moved his lips up... kissing and licking my skin up to my shoulder.

Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel
Like a natural woman

I closed my eyes and moaned. Larry pressed me against him. We simply didn't care about the other clients in the bar. There was just us.

"Ally..." he whispered in my ear.

I opened my eyes and saw that his were burning. I wanted to kiss him right there... right now... I had to do it...

"Let's go outside..." he said taking my hand.

So I followed him, my hand in his. I asked myself "What the hell am I doing?" but I couldn't resist... I couldn't say no...

The air outside was fresh. I immediatly shivered but It wasn't because of the weather. I looked around. We were alone.

"So..." Larry said, catching his breath.

I faced him and he pulled me closer to him again. His eyes staring at my lips.

"What's going on now?" he asked softly, with a sexy smile.

"I don't know...." I whispered.

He ran his fingers through my hair. It was too much for me. Then he said:

"Ally... Would you mind if... I'd kiss you right now? "

"A... friendly kiss?" I asked, my hand caressing his neck.

"Well... not exactly..." he said, leaning his head on the side.

"And what makes you think that I would like to kiss you right now?" I joked.

"It's just the way your eyes are sparkling right now... and I feel like I would be crazy to not kiss you..."

"Then kiss me Larry..." I whispered.

So it happened right there outside of the bar. First it was soft and tender. He put his lips on mine softly. When I felt his tongue, I completely lost control of myself. I groaned and responded to his kiss with passion. The next thing I remember was that my hands were under his shirt, his on my corsage and that I was pressing him against the wall.

"Ohhh..." he let out, breathless. "Tell me now that we don't get along..."

I groaned and he kissed me back. I swear that we could have made love just there on the street but some clients passed next to us so we separated, both blushing. I took his hand in mine and we started to walk away from the bar.

"Where are we going?" Larry asked, looking suddenly uncomfortable.

"To a private place..." I answered uncertain. "You don't want... it?"

"Huh... yeah...but..." he managed to say.

We stopped walking and stood there looking at each other.

Larry touched my cheek softly.

"Ally... What can I say...You're so... " he said, searching for words. "I would make love to you but..."

I let his hand go and listened to the rest with a pinching of the heart.

"But I have a girlfriend..." he finished.

I gasped. Sweet reality...

"You...You pig!"

I started to run. Larry followed me.

"Ally wait! Let me explain..."

"No! You liar! You just lied to me..." I yelled, out of myself "You never told me you had a girlfriend. You liar! Liar!"

"And you never asked... I thought we would be friends... that's all..."

I turned to him and pushed him away.

"Fuckin' liar! Cheating pig! Jerk!"

He grabbed my arms so I couldn't hit him anymore.

"Why did you kiss me, Larry?" I asked with tears in my eyes.

"I... I don't know... It just felt right..." he tried to explain. "Maybe I'm a little drunk or maybe I'm..."

"I hate you!" I yelled.

"No you don't..." he said softly.

"Now... Go back to YOUR girlfriend!"

I ran away from him, tears blinding my eyes. I heard him calling my name again but I didn't look back.

October 27, 1993
I don't want to hear from Larry Paul again... That jerk! I hate him... He lied to me! That "get a Billy substitute" was a huge mistake...
When I arrived at the dorm, I yelled at Renee that she was the most stupid girl of the world because SHE made me fall for Larry... All of this is her fault. She told me that he was single, she was the one encouraging me to have a crush on him. But... you know what?
It was more than a simple crush...

The day after "our" date, Larry came knocking on my door, early in the morning.

"Ally... I know you're in there, Renee told me. Please open the door..."

"Stupid Renee!" I thought.

Larry sighed and continued.

"Okay... Maybe this is the best way to explain myself... I mean through this door... Look Ally... I'm really sorry for what happened."

He lowered his tone so nobody passing in the corridor could hear him but me.

"Anyway, I thought about it, I just couldn't sleep after what... happened... When I kissed you... " he said softly and then stopped. "I just... got carried away... It was in part the alcohol but mostly... it was you Ally... you were so beautiful... so beautiful..."

I grabbed my pillow tightly when I heard him say that. If only I wasn't so angry at him...

"But I couldn't go further because of Jamie... my... girlfriend. We've been together for six years and it's not really working between us anymore... But you know what it's like to be with someone for a long time. You and Billy were pretty close."

He paused and I felt tears filling my eyes at the mention of Billy's name.

"Even if a relationship doesn't work out well... It's really difficult to put an end to it because you're saying to yourself, what if she or he is the right person... what if you make compromises... maybe it'll work out someday..."

In a way, he was right but I was to hurt to open the door and talk to him.

"I'm sorry that I put you through this... I understand your position. You probably thought that I could be... that we could be together and... I'm sorry to decieve you..." he finished sadly. "That's all that I have to say... Bye Ally..."

I was still angry at him.

November 5, 1993
I've spent the whole week depressing thinking about Billy and Larry, mixing up their names and the moments I had with them. I was a total mess. Now, I'm feeling a little better... a little.
I've decided to turn gay but it just doesn't work, I'm not attracted to women. I'm only attracted to brown hair guys... with sweet brown eyes and no heart... Big jerks!
But now, I'm really tired of depressing... I have to do something... I'm really, really angry at Larry.. That jerk! I'm thinking about a revenge... a sweet revenge... I thought of making him jealous but I doubt that could work... I'm asking myself... what do I expect? Do I still want him? No!!! Never! But my pride has been hurt and the perfect way to cure myself is not to get a second substitute guy but to show Larry Paul that I'm just doing okay without him.
So...
I'm going back to the Law practice simulation group to show him proudly that Ally McBeal is completely independant, strong... and... and not in love with him...

I entered the lecture hall with fake confidence.

I sat down next to Renee.

"What are you doing here?" she asked with surprise.

"I'm here because I want to be a better lawyer." I said coldly.

"Ally... Don't fool me... " she said with amusement. "I know you... You're here because of Larry."

"No..." I said between my teeth and then forced a smile.

Larry just entered the room. He immediatly saw me and stopped moving. I looked away but felt that he was staring at me. He finally sat down and invited a student to begin his closing. I listened to it distracly, preparing myself for what I had to say.

When Larry called my name, I felt a touch of nervousness in his voice. I raised up without glancing at him and walked to the front of the room. I began my closing with confidence using some tricks Larry had taught me. When I ended it, all applauded, including him. Our eyes met a second but I avoided his stare by focusing on Renee.

"Okay... now... feebacks!" Larry announced.

"You brought the constitution law, that's a good thing." a girl said.

"I like the way you pause and then say something soflty." a guy replied. "It makes us feel like you're telling us a secret... or that you're about to brought up something primordial. It catchs the attention."

Then Larry said something. Something that made me want to kill him:

"Are you planning to wear those short skirts in court?"

I faced him, with furious eyes. He smiled at me. Go to hell Larry!

"Yes!" I said proudly.

He replaced his glasses.

"It could be distracting..." he added, raising his shoulders.

I forgot about the other students in the room.

Again, it was Larry and me.

"Oh! Does it distracts you Larry?" I asked, my face turning red. "Oh... yeah...I remember that you have a problem with distractions..."

He forced his eyebrows and didn't show if my comment was embarassing him. I hated him for his self-control.

"I'm rather thinking about credibility. If you really want people to give you credits for your aptitudes as a lawyer you better not focus on your physical attributes..."

"You didn't have any problem with my physical attributes the other night!"

All the students were feeling uncomfortable on their chair, including Renee and I was too angry to even notice it.

"Why don't we finish this conversation outside! " Larry said, his jaw squeezing.

"Fine!" I yelled and then ran out.

We got into the corridor. Larry slammed the door behind him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he yelled at me.

"What the hell is wrong with YOU?" I repeated, screaming again, a finger pointed on his chest. "Are you scared that all of this go to your sweet girlfriend's ears? Guess what... Larry Paul.. I don't care! I want the whole world to know that you're the biggest jerk!"

Larry rubbed his face with a hand and took a deep breath.

"Gosh..." he realised with a sigh. "I didn't know that I hurt you that much..."

I gasped.

"You had no right to judge my clothes. If I want to wear short skirts or even g-strings in court... I'll wear them okay?"

He smiled and shook his head.

"I was talking about the other night Ally..." he said softly.

"Wh... what about the other night?" I asked, feeling my heart pumping faster. "We were drunk that's all... "

He took my hand in his. It was soft and warm.

"I believe that it had to happen... with or without the Tequila..." he whispered, his eyes in mine.

I pulled my hand out from his. I was trembling.

"You do like playing these games don't you?" I asked, furious. "You just like to flirt around with other girls and make them fall for you... By the way, does it stimulates your sexual life with Jamie?"

"Wait... You know about Jamie.." he answered, stepping closer. "It means that you heard me the other day when I spoke through your door. It also means that you know why I kissed you..."

"I... I was there..." I admitted with a sigh.

"You just said that I like to make girls fall for me... That isn't true... I'm not that type of guy..." he continued soflty. "But are you... falling for me Ally?"

I stepped back.

"I would be crazy!" I simply said and then walked away from him.

Note to myself
Make sure to wear short skirts in court...
Even shorter ones!