November 11, 1993
I went to the Law simulation group. Larry and I didn't talk to each other or even looked at each other. I ignored him... He ignored me... But why do I get this thrill when we are in the same room?

November 14, 1993
I just realised that I spent three whole days without thinking about Billy . Billy seems like a memory to me now... I looked back at his picture and... I still love him with all of my heart
But...
But what? Maybe I'm over him now... I'm independant now...

November 17, 1993
I just woke up... it's 3 am... I just had a dream about Larry... Gosh! My heart is pounding right now...
Okay... breathe!
In my dream, we were in court opposing counsels and we started arguing on the case. I was very angry at him (how surprising!) he was again very convincing, in perfect control of himself and I told myself that I just couldn't let him win so I ran to him and started to hit him with a pillow (I don't know where the pillow comes from but... you know... dreams are sometimes crazy...) he was laughing and said: "You're so beautiful when you're angry.." and then I just couldn't resist to him and... we made love right there on the floor of the courtroom... in front of the jury and the judge who were cheering and eating popcorn...
How weird! I wonder if it really means something...

November 18, 1993
That dream is really obsessing me... I thought about it in class... remembering all the details... the love making... Larry on me, in me... his lips on mine, kissing every part of my body...
I wonder what it's like to really make love with him...

November 20, 1993
I just had an other…huh… dream about Larry.
This is killing me... I need to purify my thoughts!

November 21, 1993
I decided to join Kimmy’s group. I thought that
it could help me but I just couldn’t stop laughing so
they kicked me out. I’m demented!

November 25, 1993
I had lunch with Richard Fish today. He proposed me 50 dollars an hour for helping him getting prepared for the finals. Since I met him, he haven’t put a foot back in a classroom. He said that he spends most of his time in Classroom phobic group meetings but I checked… Guess what it doesn’t exist. Ally don’t let your conscience deal with him… you need that money! Waaaaaah!
I wonder why he wants to be a lawyer. He admitted that it’s all because of money and that women are attracted to money…
But there’s a problem… He does have money but he’s always alone.

November 26, 1993
Went to the L.P.S group. I did a brillant closing. I’m feeling proud of myself. I really want to be a lawyer.
Larry and I acted like strangers again but I keep remembering those dreams…

November 28, 1993
I called Billy. He’s doing fine and I’m doing fine. We talked a little while but it felt different. He’s so far away now…

November 29, 1993
Went to the L.P.S group again. Larry wasn’t there. I wonder if he’s sick. Maybe he’s just tired of the situation…I kind of miss him.

The next day, Larry came knocking on my door again. I was so shocked to see him.

"Hi!" he said with a shy smile.

"What the hell do you want?" I asked, only showing my head through the door.

"I want to talk to you…" he said with imploring eyes.

"Well guess what? I don’t…" I answered, closing the door on his arm.

"Ahhhh!" he screamed. "Ally… please let me enter. I have to talk to you…"

"There’s nothing more to say!"

"You’re wrong… there’s a lot to say."

I got a moment of weekness, trying to understand the meaning of what he was saying, so he took the opportunity to push the door and enter. He opened his hands carefully like he wanted to show me that he wasn’t carrying any gun. He wasn’t less dangerous to me.

"Who is it?" Renee asked from the bathroom.

"The substitute jerk!"

"What!?" Larry exclaimed.

I shook my head and sat down my bed, with a sigh. She got out of the bathroom and stared at us.

"Maybe I should let you two alone." she said, uncomfortable.

"No! Don’t you… don’t you leave me alone with him!" I said, almost scared.

I just couldn’t trust myself.

"Ally…" Larry said, sitting on the opposite bed and facing me. "This is silly…"

I crossed my arm on my chest and stared at the floor. I must looked like a three year old kid.

"I’ve been asking myself why you’re so uspet and I have the feeling that…"he continued, replacing his glasses.

"How’s Jamie?" I asked, interrupting because I just knew what was coming. He was going to say that I was into him.

"We just had a huge fight…" he responded, rubbing his forehead.

"Oh! How bad!" I said, rolling my eyes. "Now I’ve heard enough. You can go!"

"Ally could you please stop your sarcasm!" he said, raising his tone.

"Larry I don’t care that you had a fight with your girlfriend… I don’t…"

"We broke up." he said in a breath.

"Oh!"

"Because of you…" he finished softly.

My hands started to tremble right away. The way he was staring at me with the sweetest eyes wasn’t helping me. My feelings were all mixed up. I felt happy. I felt scared. I felt angry…

"You know I… I… I knew that you would come here because you always want to have the last word… You… you just can’t stand it!"

"Ally… Listen to me please!" Larry said, staring intensively into my eyes. "I’m attracted to you."

"Huh… huh…" Renee said with a giggle. "I really should go."

"No!" Larry and I yelled at the same time.

"Okay…" Renee sighed.

We stared at each other for a long moment.

"There’s this chemistry between us….and we can’t deny it… we just can’t!" Larry said with passion.

"Then let’s sleep together and move on!" I let out without thinking.

I gasped. Larry held back a laugh and Renee giggled.

"You know that there’s more than that." Larry simply said with the most amazing smile.

I noded weakly. I was approving! Stupid head nodding. "Now, he’ll know that I feel something for him. Stupid Ally! Stupid weak… dependant girl…. Wahhhhhhhh!" I thought. But then, I realised that Larry was admitting that he had feelings for me too.

Oh! My Gosh…

Larry smiled even widely and I lightly smiled back. A high sound of excitement escaped from Renee’s throat. Neither of us talked. In fact, I didn’t know what to respond to that. I was speechless… I just couldn’t argue or defend myself.

"Am I wrong or it seems like you just smiled to me Ally?" Larry asked timidly.

"Huh… I just…huh… " I tried to speak.

Larry raised up with a sigh of relief.

"Well… If you want to get a cup of coffee or something…" he proposed, walking to the door.

"Or… a Tequila…" Renee added with a giggle. "Oooops sorry!"

Larry blushed. I almost fainted.

"Huh… Huh…" I stammered. "We’ll … we’ll see about that…"

"Bye Ally…" he said softly.

"B… Bye Larry…"

He closed the door behind him. Renee sat next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. We waited a minute or so, staring into space and then Renee screamed:

"Oh! My God!"

"I just can’t believe it…" I finally managed to say.

"This is it…" Renee sighed.

I couldn’t say otherwise…

There was something going on.

November 30, 1993
Oh! My God!
I’m in love with Larry Paul.
Nooooooooo!

December 10, 1993
Now that I admitted to myself that I'm in love with Larry, I just can't stop thinking about him. He's my new obsession. I want to call him. I want to run to him. I want to kiss him. I want to... ah! You know what I want... But I'm paralysed. He let me the door open to come to him... I also have the feeling that he won't come knocking on my door this time. I have to go to him... But I don't know how... I don't know if he wants me in his life... if he has a place for me in his life... After all, he just broke up with Jamie... But he broke up with her... because of me... He ended a six year relationship because he's attracted to me... he said that it's more than sexual... if so...that means that... he’s in love with me. Maybe...Oh my God!

I was late for my classes. I was heading to the classroom door when I felt a tinkle on my neck... that kind of feeling you have when someone is staring at you with insistence. I turned around and Larry was there a few feet away from me… looking at me with the sweetest eyes ever. I felt like I was dying. He was staring at me with expectation, his eyes unsure, searching, probably trying to read my mind. I wondered why he, Larry Paul, had doubts about my feelings for him. To me, he was the most amazing man... I don't know how much time I took to get out of transe but when I finally smiled at him, I saw his face lightening up in the instant. He made his way until me. He knew...

"Ally... Hi..." he said softly.

"Larry..." I just said, breathless.

Then a half smile formed on his lips, that kind of smile he does when he's shy... that kind of smile that makes me melt.

"How have you been?" he asked, gazing into my eyes.

"Fine… you?" I asked back, noticing that my voice was trembling a little.

"I'm okay..."

People were passing ahead of us. We were in the way but we didn't care. We were having a banal conversation but it meant something. Our eyes went timidly to the floor and then completely back into that intense gaze we were sharing. I don't know how long it lasted but it was like time had just stopped. We just stood there, smiling at each other, our eyes speaking to themselves.

"So..." Larry said, breaking the silence. "I figure you must be very busy with all the finals... I'm pretty busy myself... you know..."

"Huh..." This is a stressfull period..." I explained, thinking that maybe we should talk about the weather.

He was waiting for me to say something. He wanted me to take a step forward. I didn't know what to say. The only thing I had in mind was to kiss him right there in the corridor. I wanted to caught a piece of that perfect moment. The way he was looking at me, his smile...

I got back to earth when my corporative law teacher closed the door of the classroom. I had to go inside.

"You're late..." he said, moving closer to me.

"Yes..."

He smiled again and bit his lower lip.

"I have to go..." I said without moving an inch.

"Me too..."

He touched my cheek tenderly and brushed away a lock of my hair. I shivered.

"Gosh Larry... I really have to go..."

"I know..." he whispered in my ear.

I first felt his nose on my cheek. I closed my eyes and felt his lips softly capturing mine.

It was soft, sweet, it tasted sugar. I could swear that he had just eaten a piece of apple pie.

"Hmmm… "

"Is it too soon?" he asked with an unsure smile. "I thought that it was better to wait a little but I just couldn't resist..."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and tasted his sweet lips again.

"Oh! I've got my answer..." he said, his eyes sparkling.

We kissed again. Two times, three times... I don't remember. It was too sweet. I just couldn't let him go.

"Now... you have to go." he said, smiling.

I sighed.

"Okay..."

One last kiss and he walked away in the corridor.

"Hey Larry!" I said. He turned around. "Does that mean that we officially get along?"

"I guess we could say that..." he said with the brightess smile and waved goodbye.

Later that day, someone was waiting for me in the dorm's entrance. Brown hair, long legs... Jamie.

"Are you Ally McBeal?"

"Oh! Huh... Yes I... I am..." I stammered weakly.

"I'm Jamie. You've probably heard about me." she said, her eyes cold and examining me.

"Huh..."

I wanted to run away from her.

"So this is you" she sighed. "My boyfriend left me because of you... I was wondering how you'd look like. Now, I know."

I immediatly hated her.

"Huh... Look Jamie. I'm really sorry..."

Jamie eyes filled up with tears. A moment after, I was into a total nightmare.

"I'm having his baby."

Something broke inside of me. I heard a little voice in my head screaming: "No!" I took a hand to my mouth and felt like crying.

"Larry and I did have some ups and downs but he loved me. You may think that I got pregnant on purpose but I'm four months pregnant. I got pregnant before you even knew him. I just learned this morning."

I looked at the floor with despair, feeling tears in my eyes. Jamie continued, raising her voice in anger as people were staring at us.

"I've been with Larry for six years. SIX years and then YOU came into the picture. He gets one silly date with you and gets so... into you...that he wants to give up everything we had to... to be with YOU!"

If only I could just run away from her... from that nightmare.

"I don't know what you did to him, Ally Mcbeal... "

Like I was expecting, Larry showed up that night at my door.

"I have to talk to you, Ally..." he said, sadly.

"Please come in..."

"No... I'm just... going to stay here..."

I noticed that his eyes were puffed up. I wasn't the only one crying a moment ago.

"Jamie came... she told me..." I declared, trying to look strong.

He sighed and rubbed his face, looking like he was trying to wash away some bad vision he was having.

"I'm sorry... I don't know how to say this..."

"You're going back with her." I said, painfully.

"I... My father left my mother when she was pregnant of me. I never knew him... I've never met him. I don't even know who he is." Larry explained with a broken voice. "I've always told myself that when I'd have a child... I would be there for him... It's a promise I made to myself."

"I... I understand Larry..."

But I didn't.

He took an other look at me. He had the saddess look. He looked like he could barely hold back tears. I just wanted to comfort him... to tell him that his place was next to me.

"What kills me... is that you and I..." He began, with a sad smile. "We came close to... "

He hesitated and paused. "Right now... I've got the feeling that I'm doing the biggest mistake of my life..."

I raised my shoulders and catched my breath.

"Well... You know... It's not like we've really been together. In fact, we barely know each other." I said weakly, trying to convince myself that my feelings for him weren't as strong as they were.

We remained silent a moment. I just couldn't take my eyes of him. I had to capture his image in my memory... I had to keep a picture of what we could have been together... of how Larry was handsome, sweet...

"It was great to know you Ally." he said, breaking the silence.

"Same here." I said, on the edge of crying.

Larry smiled slightly.

"Hey! Who knows... Maybe... one day... we'll meet in court." he said, with a fake joyous tone.

"That would be great." I said through my tears. "But I can tell you now... I will not let you win!"

"I always liked great competition."

He smiled tenderly.

"Well... Okay then..."

"Okay." he said.

He nodded.

"Goodbye Ally..."

He closed the door behind him. For the first time in my life, I began this thing that I do when I'm really upset: I banged my head on the door. My hand was already on the handle.

"Okay..." I said out loud. "Count until three and if he's still there in the corridor..."

My hand tremble on the handle.

"One... two... oh hell!"

I opened the door.

"Larry!"

He was still there. He turned around and then I ran to him.

"So... you're... you're going... just like that..."

He was about to look at the floor when I caught his face between my hands and kissed him with passion. I felt his arms wrapping around my waist. We moved closer.

"Ally... No... I just can't..." he begged, breathless. "I have to go..."

"Then go..." I simply said, stepping back.

He sighed, pulled me back to him and pressed his lips on mine with a groan. I responded to his kiss with passion, feeling my whole body trembling. As we were moving back to my room, I started to unbotton his shirt, kissing, licking his neck. He tasted so good. He closed the door with a hand, the other one caressing my back. I felt his tongue entering my lips and I moaned with pleasure, already knowing that this night was going to the most amazing night of my life.

"Ally..."

He was saying my name with this sweetness and this passion. I had never heard it that way. It made me feel precious. He stood there a moment, staring at me with his brown eyes burning.

"Say it again..." I moaned

"Ally... I'm falling in love with you..."

I smiled and kissed him again. I tried to undo his shirt but I was hungry to wait. I had to feel him. I had to feel his skin under my hands. I tear it off. Larry looked surprised at first but then he responded with the most sexy smile I have ever seen. He pressed me on the door, his lips running on my neck. I shivered. Then his hands reached my breast through my shirt. He caressed them gently but as I was starting to undo his pants, he pressed them firmly. I felt my breast hardening beneath his touch.

"I shouldn't be here..." he whispered in my ear. "This is wrong..."

"No... this is just perfect..." I responded, a finger on his lips.

But he kissed me back, pressing me hardly on the door. I took off my shirt and my bra. I felt his soft hands teasing and then caressing my breasts.

"You're so beautiful..." he said softly.

I pulled him to my bed. He moved on the top of me. We kissed again, moaning, panting at the same time. His lips started to kiss my neck and then lowered down to my breast. I grabbed his buttock when I felt that he was biting me gently. He made my panties slide down and I just coudn't wait any longer.

"Now... Larry..." I begged him.

When he entered me, we both groaned at the same time and our lips reached again. I remembered the lyrics of a song I've just heard on the radio. I heard it in my head as I was totally giving myself to Larry.

The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can I'll take all that I can get
Only a fool's here to stay

It was a sad song. A perfect song for us.

When I woke up a few hours later. I saw Renee sleeping in the opposite bed. Larry was gone but I still could feel him on my skin. I could smell him in my sheets, on my pillow. If only I could capture his scent just to... remember him... I needed to remember him.

December 20, 1993
This is the last time that I'm writing in this "Law School Diary" This is a silly thing. I have to move on...
The semester just ended. I'm glad that it's finished. Christmas is in a few days. It'll be my first Christmas alone... and hopefully the last. I hope that someday I'll find someone. Someone like Larry. I had a glimpse at the man of my dreams. Larry was more than a Billy substitute... He was more than a simple fantasy man. For a short moment, he was everything to me. Without knowing, he helped me to find my way. Now, I know that I want to be a lawyer. He also showed me that love does exists. I just have to believe in it.

Ally

Go on to the sequel!