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My Life Goals

Immortality.
I want the kind of immortality that keeps me from aging and deterioration of any kind. If someone shoots off my head, I want to grow a new one. I would not die from extreme pressure, or lack of air, or being put in a giant blender. I think this could be accomplished with nanobots that know my whole geneome sequence and all my memories. They could reconstruct me very quickly. This would also give me time to complete the rest of the list.
Time travel
Ever since seeing the Time Machine (the 70's version) as a little kid, I've wanted to do that. I once researched the subject extensively, culling all the information I could find from the Internet. Turns out we're going to need some pretty tricked out, gigantic scale machine to do it, but it can be done.
Love
Yes this may be a little sappy, but I want to be loved anyway. I want someone to cuddle with on a rainy day, someone to cheer me up when I'm deppressed, and someone who would miss me when I'm out of the room for a few minutes. I think I have something in my eye. . . I'll be fine. . .
Space travel
I never really wanted to be an astronaut when I was a little kid. It seemed like an awful lot of work. I wanted to be a space tourist. You know, go see all the planets in my Hawaiin shirt, snapping excessive amouts of photos, laughing at the astronauts who have to clean for me.
World Travel
I think I just like the idea of being a tourist. Some part of me silently cries out, "Ben, go to Hong Kong and get frustarted using chopsticks! Go to Paris and use a handheld English-French dictionary to speak one word at a time!" That part of me is going to get the other parts killed.
Invent Something
I've always secretly envied Ron Popiel. He's the guy on TV all the time saying stuff like "Set it and Forget it!" He practically invented the infomercial. He's invented a dehydrator, a cooker, a spray-on toupee, and non-stick pots and pans, to name a few. I want to do that. Stuff that people will use, though.
Change someone's mind
I'm talking 180 degrees here. Not just talking them out of ordering the club sandwich. Something on the level of convincing the pope that religon is evil. I think I want to do this to boost my ego. I could go up to people and tell them that they must bend before my persausive powers or I'd talk them into being gay or something.
Be famous
This one is easy because there are so many ways to go at it. I could murder seven people and make national news in two hours. Regardless, I want more than just fifteen minutes. More like a month's worth. I want to appear in history books as one of the most something man of all time. Maybe most unique.
Write a book
My main problem here is that I don't have the attention span for it. If I could write as fast as I read, and make it good, I would be selling thousand dollor compiled works by now. I've been told to give it time, but I don't have the patience for it.
Start a company
A good company too. One that would make money without cooking the books or forcing small children to make shoes for pennies a day. I'm thinking along the lines of gaming cafes or internet integrated laundromat. Something that people would think about and go, "Cool."
Skydive
This is just one of those things that people always say are really amazing and life changing. Sometimes I wonder if that's just their way of saying, "I've gone skydiving and you haven't, so ha." One day all that will change. . .
Build a house
I wouldn't even have to be mine. I just want to create something so big that no one can say, "Well, that doesn't look very hard to make." So I guess it would'nt have to be a house. I could make a sculpture, or a giant sand castle, or a big hole, or an elephant or something. Still, I'm a sucker for practicality, so it's going to be a house as well as a sand castle. Better yet, an elephant house!
Have a TV show
I'll call it the Ben's Fun Time Happy Hour. Or something. I haven't really thought that one out too far. So long as I'm on television it doesn't matter. Maybe I should look into public access first. That's what Tom Green did, and look how well things turned out for him!
Own a restuarant
Or at least be head chef. I enjoy cooking, so long as all the ingredients are there or I've done some pre-dinner planning. My restuarant will serve healthy but good tasting stuff, which just about everyone enjoys. Also, I'll cater to hippies, who'll let my creative side run free. Hippies will eat just about anything.
Change my career
I will never ever fall victim to the dual demons of routine and safety. I think ten years for every career is more than enough. Any more than that and I'll start to stagnate. Besides, to finish everything on this list, I'll need to move around a lot.
Save the Internet
There are way too many crappy websites out there. Someone, meaning me, must seperate the whey from the curds, and press the curds into cheese. Preferably pepper jack. For my senior project I am going to build a site that will have users rate other websites on entertainment value, humor, moral lessons, and so on. It will be a huge success and I will make millions.
Ride a unicycle
Consistently, I mean. Not just riding down a block and then checking that off the list. Along with my juggling skills I should be able to make my glorious entrance into the world of circus performance quite easily. I also hope to learn unicycle tricks like hopping and rotating and kickflips, if that's possible on a unicycle.
Sex
Really, the placement of this one depends on how horny I am on any given day. It should never go above love though. On another note, I have this strange feeling about sex similar to that of skydiving. I mean, not that I don't trust people, but I'm not so sure that they're right about everything.
Circumnavigate the globe in a hot air balloon.
I just want to see how hard it would be. All those rich boys tried to do it and hard such a hard time, then bitched and moaned, and bitched some more about their horrible suffering. I hope that they were just fussing over nothing, but if worst comes to worst, I can lie about it.
Breed animals
And no, hicks don't count. I think it would be fun to make a furry blue sheep dog. I could also do this with genetic engineering to make glow in the dark mice and dog sized elephants. I love elephants. Maybe it's me. Okay, it is me.
Own a robot
A cool one. One that's housebroken. Not one from this generation of robots. I want Rosie from the Jetsons, but less sassy, and I want it before anyone else. This shouldn't be too hard if I make or steal one myself. Anyway, I thought the future would be coming faster than it is. If only I had a time machine.
Swim the English Channel
So no, I don't know what swimming the English channel would entail, but people seem to think that it's a really a great thing to do, and if that's not a good reason, I don't know what is. First though, I'm gonna have to find out where this so called "English channel" is located. Then I'll have to call an emergency medical team to come pick me up half way through.
Run with the Bulls in Pamplona
Not much to this, if you ask me. They say that you're supposed get as close to the bulls as possible, without getting gored by the bulls. I say they're morons. I plan to do this thing on a moped, staying about six meters away from the bulls. That'll still give me the rush of danger, without putting me in much actual danger.
Get in a food fight
I just hope this is as glorious as it always seems in the movies. The key to starting a food fight seems to be really bad aim. That and some kid standing on something and yelling, "FOOOOOD FIGHT!!" at the top of his lungs. The only thing I need to do is to go someplace where I won't get punished for doing this. College here I come.

Intermission

Waldorf: "You'll get no arguement from me on that!"

Statler:"That may be the first time we ever agreed on anything in our lives."

Waldorf:"No, we once agreed in the summer of 1912."

Statler:"What was that?"

Waldorf:"We agreed that Bill Kaiser looked silly in a hat! Heh heh heh - remember?"

Statler:"Heh heh heh heh . . . no."

Live as a hermit
Just, you know, take a few years off to live in the wilderness or on the edge of a cliff. I think it'd be fun, so long as I don't get mauled by a bear. I have this irrational fear of getting mauled by a bear. Not that most people would want to get mauled by a bear. It's just not something they think about. I do. Every night before I fall asleep I think, "What's to stop a bear from picking the lock, charging down the stairs, and mauling me?" Nothing.
Rob a bank
I watch too much TV. Really, I do. Robbing a bank is something any criminal does to get into the buisness. Things never go as planned though, so I have to make sure I'm the guy who screws everyone else over. There can only be one in any given criminal team, and I'm good at interviews.
Start a movement
Something big. Huge. On the level of the pet rock or the femenists. I can do it too, because I'm told by myself on a daily basis that I have charisma. Of course, I've played enough D&D to know that high charisma is the key to having hordes of henchmen. My Frost Brand and I shall rule the world!
Stay awake for 50 hours
The longest I've gone so far is about 30. I think that I could add the extra twenty with the liberal use of caffeine pills and Mountain Dew. My real problem is when to do this. It had better be sometime in the summer, because after this I'd be incapacitated for a week or two.
Sleep for 30 hours
30 hours straight, that is. The best time to do this is right after accomplishing the above. My real problem here is that I lose over a day. Losing a day means I go to sleep at 10 p.m. and wake up at 4 a.m. This would confuse me for days on end. Alternately, I could just fall into a coma.
Grow a mohawk
Well, actually, that should be trim hair into mohawk form. I just want to see how it feels to be the guy with funky hair. I could write a book about it called Mohawked like Me. It would be an international best seller and earn me lots of money. Then, when I went to book signings, people would be all, "Hey, where's your mohawk?"
Become patient zero
Patient zero. As in, the first guy to ever have a particular disease. They would probably name the disease after me, like Lou Gehrig. Problem is, not many people remember him as a baseball player. I don't want to be "the guy that disease is named after". It would be cool to be "that guy named after that guy" though.
Break the sound barrier
Nowsadays, everyone is breaking the sound barrier. When will Ben have his moment in the sun? For God's sake, my grandma broke the sound barrier. The reason it's so far down the list is because it's so easy. What bugs me is that I'd probably have to pay for it, instead of some pilot coming up to me and saying, "Hey, want to break the sound barrier with me?" Life is unjust to me. Why will no one break the sound barrier with me? What is it about me that makes pilots hate me so much?
Hang glide
Really, I only want to do it because it's the closest thing to flying there is. It's also pretty safe. Safer than skydiving or flying in a plane. It's also slow, so I should have time to take in the scenery whilst puking my guts out.
Witness a nuclear explosion first hand
This would be really cool if I were immortal. I would just stand a few hundred meters away from the bomb and wait for it to explode. Flash of light, wave of heat, and then intense burning radiation. So cool, and yet so painful. Of course, if the immortality thing doesn't pan out, I could just get back really far away and look at it through binoculars.
Read War & Peace
Supposed to be dull, but then at least I can put on my resume, "Read War & Peace". Maybe that'll be just enough to make me better than another applicant, leading me on a path to complete corporate takeover. Too bad that poor schmuck didn't read War & Peace.
Win a championship
A big championship. Like, over three hunderd people big. This would really just be for the ego boost. It would be good to know that I'm better than three hunderd people. I mean, yeah, I already know that, but this time I would have proof.
Create a videogame
A good videogame. One that would have fans drooling at my feet. It would be featured on the cover of every videogame magazine, ever. They would even bring back out of buisness magazines so that my game could be on their cover. Ideally, my game would just be a really pretty version of pong.
Bungie jump
Like skydiving for wussies. That's how I'm gonna build up my courage for skydiving. I also want to be one of those guys who are casually leaning against the bridge, and then some guy walks by and you fall backwards off the bridge, just to freak him out. I'm mean like that.
Own a house
It just seems like something everyone has to do. Besides, I hear living on the street isn't all it's cracked up to be. What I need is a home that defines me. I think maybe a concrete box house that's vibrant bluse on the out side and has mosaic randomly scattered inside and out.
Have children
Basically the same deal as with the house. Besides, I like kids . . . sometimes, that is. It would be like having little versions of myself. First, of course, I'd have to find a good mother for them, which is the really hard part. Come to think of it, children are the result of having a few other higher priority things on this list checked off.
Have clones
Like children, but much, much cooler. I could make video tapes of myself at their age and they would hate me for it. The really cool thing is, with enough clones I could remake Star Wars: Episode II so that it doesn't suck anymore. Add to that the fact that clones are just plain cool, even when they aren't mine, and I would consider moving this one up the list. I'm lazy though.
Set a world record
Why? Because I can. That's the American Way, always has been.
Be called a "cute couple"
Part of a cute couple, really. If I were just a cute couple by myself that would be creepy. I think the key to being a cute couple is similarity. Also, if someone is trying to set you up, they'll say something like, "Aww, you two would make a cute couple." Never, ever fall for it, even if you do want to check it off your list.
Break a limb
Believe it or not, I've never broken a limb. Never sprained anything, never twisted anything, never pulled anything. People say that I would know if it happened, but what if I'm tougher than them? I'm not, but what if?
Finish college
This shouldn't be too hard. Lots of people finish college. It's just one of those things you do before all the other stuff. It may be hard because I don't drink though. Alcohol scares me.
Go to an orgy
Okay, on the one hand, there's sex. On the other, it seems kind of dirty. On the third hand, Oh my GOD! I have three hands! Ahgggrrr! How in the hell did this happen?!? Wait, did the bottle say don't mix Zolaft with cocaine? Oh fuck . . .
Never lose the inner child
I think I'd be really boring without my inner child. That's why I intend to never grow up. Just like Peter Pan. He's my role model. And my enemy. Someday, I'm going to go into the magic world and kill Peter Pan so I can take his strength. There can be only one . . .
Control the id
id
n.
In Freudian theory, the division of the psyche that is totally unconscious and serves as the source of instinctual impulses and demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs.
Get married
Hmmm . . . not that I really want to, but I can't end the list at forty-nine, now can I?
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