When something pisses me off enough for me to go on a long-assed tangent, then I usually write a Rant about it. But what about the little things that irritate me? Where do they go?
You're looking at it, booby.
3/8/02: TAINTED LotR
Y'know, I frankly don't care what your sexuality is, just as long as I don't have to watch you or hear about it. Nor do I care if you're straight and just like to read gay porn (fuck, I'm writing a story about Rikku and Lulu from FFX ... though of course, I actually have a *plot* to it instead of saying "oh, yay! Let's make all the characters lesbians so they can have sex! *giggle*"). However, ever since the movie's been out, I've discovered a very, VERY disturbing trend; a flood of LotR slash. Yes, I know when you have a lot of good-looking men in a movie girls are going to drool, and that's fine. Hell, I have a naked chick on my site every time I remember to update.
What bothers me is the threat of LotR falling into the same situation as Gundam Wing. Gundam Wing, in case you didn't know, is an incredibly kick-ass anime that just happens to have very bishonen main characters. Leave it up to the fuckin' fangirls to completely and totally ignore the thrilling plot, the fantastic fight scenes and in-depth characterization and turn it into nothing but a repository for gay pr0n. What's even worse is when they argue that all their bullshit yaoi has a canonical basis ... but that's a whole other rant entirely.
What I'm afraid of is that, in this bizarro world of the Internet, the magnificence of this movie is going to be completely and totally overshadowed by a glut of slash involving everyone from Pippin to Gandalf's pointy hat. In this world gone mad, when someone mentions Legolas, you'll think of the biggest fucktoy in slash instead of a super-1337 elf that can walk on snow and kill dozens of orcs in under a minute. And girls claim *we're* perverts.
11/11/01: FUCK THE POLICE
Y'know, I know it's stereotypical of the angry young man to hate the cops and call them all tools of a corrupt establishment whose purpose is to keep the populace from remembering that they're the ones who're supposed to have the power. But dammit, they ARE tools of a corrupt establishment. What's more, they're CORRUPT tools of a corrupt establishment, which makes them corruption squared. Until you've seen ten or twelve baton-waving pigs breaking up a party of college students that's doing absolutely no harm to anyone except giving them something to do in a pathetically boring small town, you just won't understand. Nor will you understand before some stuck-up prick shines those unnecessarily bright flashlights in your face and demands to know how you dare enter a public park that your taxes pay for after dark. I won't even talk about how they write you a parking ticket for parking in a teachers-only zone because every other parking space in a one-mile radius is taken.
It's a common complaint that cops are never there if your house is being robbed or you're being mugged, but are always more than ready to bust you if you're not hurting anyone. Unfortunately, that is indeed the truth. The reason is because it's simply easily for the corrupt pieces of shit to hang around the relatively safe places and harass kids who aren't hurting anyone than to actually doing their JOB. "To serve and protect". Themselves, maybe. For that matter, nobody breaks the law more than cops do. You have an enormous centralization of power with each of these people above the laws they claim to uphold. No wonder so many people distrust the police.
I know that there ARE about 3% out there that actually care about making the world a better place and preventing crime. To those few who do, I salute them. To those who beat up diabetic men and sic attack dogs on them, I give a giant FUCK YOU, YOU TESTICLELESS PIECES OF SHIT. May you be reincarnated as a child prostitute in Bangkok.
11/9/01: ZEIG HEIL, FÜHRER CHRIST
Before you get worried, this isn't about all Christians. Just a certain type of Christian, namely the crazy fucked-up fundamentalist types like Falwell and Chick. In particular, there's a certain cult of Christians around MSU calling themselves "Reformed Presbyterians", but I'll try to refrain from exclusively bashing them because most of you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.
These guys are, to be perfectly blunt, half-witted crazy fuckers. They're not even the GOOD kind of crazy fuckers, the ones who get drunk and set their pants on fire so they can light a cigarette off of them. We're talking cheap Taiwanese crazy fucker knock-offs, here. They worship a version of Christ that's more like Hitler than Jesus, a god who hates his creations and can't wait to send us all to hell because burning human flesh gives him an Almighty Boner (and, according to some of them, he also likes to send planes into big skyscrapers because of our "sins"). These are the kinds of people that Jesus would have taken one look at and then bitchslapped the shit out of them.
It's a stereotype, but most of these fanatics are ugly, overweight and not very well-liked by people to begin with, even before they start telling everyone that God wants to kill them. The belief in a wrathful God gives them something to feel better about. Sure, they may be hairy, smell like dog shit and have one-inch penii, but at least you're going to burn in hell while they don't. By putting all their faith in divine revenge they find a fucked-up sort of comfort. What's more, it gives them an excuse to be complete hatemonger assholes to everyone, because that's what their God is, after all. It also makes them impossible to argue with--their logic is so tortured that they can force anything you say to sound like complete nonsense and whatever bullshit is currently coming out of their mouths to be God's honest truth. They're also completely and totally close-minded. The difference between these idiots and real Christians is that the real ones are at least interested in what you have to say before they go into their spiel. These guys don't know what you believe and they don't care, because you're automatically wrong. They're the kind of people who spread the anti-Wiccan propaganda that makes many people ask right off if we worship Satan. It doesn't matter to them whether we sacrifice children or not, because even if we don't we're still guilty of the worst crime of all in their eyes; believing something that they don't.
11/8/01: REVOLUTIONARY SHIT UTENA
Have you ever hated an anime so badly that you want to grab the main character by her stupid bubble-gum-pink hair, stab her in the face with a rusty letter opener, gut her, strangle her with her own intestines and then feed her to EVA Unit 01?
If so, then you have some idea of how much I hate Revolutionary Girl Utena.
You'd think that the only people that would like this stupid, poorly-animated, plotless piece of dog shit are the same little girls who were fascinated by Sailor Moon. For some reason, though, some of the same people that love Neon Genesis Evangelion also like this tripe. I'd think watching an anime like that would IMPROVE your standards, not bring them down to this level. Some people even claim it's a fucking work of art. These people should have their genitals removed so they cannot spread their levels of retardation to future generations.
I've only managed to stomach bits and pieces of this crap (mostly having it force-fed to me by my girlfriend, who's also fallen victim to the hypnotic drone of utter shit), but from what I can figure there's this ho called the Rose Bride and everybody's fighting over her, I guess because she gives really good head or something. Even the chicks are after her, so yuri abounds ... not that it helps this at all, of course. They could have massive lesbian orgies for 20 minutes of every episode and just use the other five to advance the plot, and it still wouldn't help it. The one who currently owns her is some bitch with bubblegum-pink hair and some kind of ring made of bullshittium that lets her beat everyone (as well as the sort of shit that only self-inserts are usually allowed to do), and when she fights she pulls a magic sword out of her girlfriend's chest and lots of rediculous shit out of her ass. No, it makes no sense. Anyway, Magical Cunt Utena is supposedly going to be able to change the world and make it a better place and all that nonsense. Maybe she winds up dying in the end. Now THAT would make the world a better place.
This has got to be the most pathetic anime I've ever seen. It sucks even worse than Deep Impact, and that's saying a LOT. This is the kind of shit we'd make Osama bin Laden watch if we ever caught him. The vomitous, wretched, grotesque, vile levels of suck Utena reaches is beyond what should be physically possible. In other words, I FUCKING HATE this godsforsaken piece of shit. If you ever see a copy, destroy it for the sake of mankind and buy some Evangelion or Gundam Wing to wash off the feeling of dirtiness from touching its disgusting form.