Ever wonder why hot dog buns come in packages of 8, and hot dogs come in packages of 10?
Why does Christianity bother with all these sub-sects and crap? Lutheran, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, what's the damned difference?
For that matter, why do all Judeo-Christian-Islamic sects think they're so much better than everyone else? There are many different ways to the truth ... as long as you arrive there, what does it matter how you came?
Marilyn Manson is an act, people. Get over it.
If you've never seen Mystery Science Theater 3000, find a fan that has some tapes and borrow them from him. Then kick yourself for missing such a great show.
While you're at it, read a few tidbits from my MSTings page. Try it, you'll like it.
There is only one true Black Sabbath, and that's the one with Ozzy as the lead singer. Any other "Sabbath" is but a pale imitation of the real thing.
Why do people always think wrestling fans are complete and total idiots? Just because we like something you don't doesn't make us stupid.
Go out, get yourself a girlfriend (or boyfriend), and get yourself laid, for God's sake. You'll thank me later.
Why does everyone think sex is so evil? Everyone who says that desperately needs to get some, that'll change their tune in a hurry.
Why is it that Christians, whose beliefs are based upon the teachings of a pacifist, are historically the most violent and intolerant of all religions?
Be young, have fun, drink Pepsi.
In all matters, follow your heart. *NOTE* Your heart is NOT located in your groin.
If I could, I'd set the world on fire. Say fuck the world, fuck the world.
Always know the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow. You never know when it may come in handy.
Why are breasts treated like such a big deal here in the States? I mean, I know our ancestors were Puritans with sticks shoved up their asses, but just look at the Japanese. Their friggin' kiddie cartoons have boobs! Ah, well, at least it's not as bad as in Finland. Donald Duck is banned there because he doesn't wear pants. I always knew Disney was into child pornography.
Speaking of Japan, either go to your local rental store or put on Cartoon Network sometime and get yourself some anime (Japanese animation). You'll be mucho glad you did.
Stop wasting your time hating people. Unless you kill them, it's not gonna change anything. And if you do kill them, you'll go to jail and be some bad man's boyfriend, and we don't want that, now do we?
Go read The Mop-Up, now on 411wrestling.com. It's by a hella funny guy called Chris Hyatte, and recaps each week the chronicles of the Monday Night wrestling wars betwixt the WWF and WCW.
Never interrupt a masturbating gorilla.
NUA AHH NAAAA.
Do not attempt to figure out what that last meant.
What is about tampons that us guys find so gross, anyway? Generally we love anything dealing with that area, but that ... bleh.
Everything sucks.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words; "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a
mystery and so is mankind.
Everybody has a secret, except me and my monkey.
Never let the dingos take your baby, because they will crush its skull and consume its eyeballs and piss on its brain. And then they will start singing "I got somethin' to say, I killed your baby today, and it don't matter much to me as long as it's dead." And that might suck.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some
Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Ooop a boop rackatacka oop a boop rackatacka oop a boop rackatacka, twist, twist twist, twist.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful,
beautiful flamingo, flying across the beautiful sky in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
Don't eat the yellow snow. You won't enjoy it.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
If you ever drop your car keys into a river of molten lava, with demons from hell swarming around you and waving their pitchforks, don't go back to get them. They're lost, man.
Juliette Lewis is possibly the only actress on the planet that actually looks SEXIER covered in vampire blood and shooting stakes out of a crossbow.
When in doubt ... fuck it.
When not in doubt ... get in doubt.
If you're ever running from the cops and cross the Mexican border to meet a guy that looks like Cheech Marin, never stay at a topless bar with vampires in it.
If you MUST stay in a topless bar with vampires in it, then bring an ex-preacher and a chick that looks hot kicking ass. Like Juliette Lewis.
Take a look to the sky, just before you die. It's the last time you will.
Behold SHARKEY! Sharkey is your unholy pagan god!
Porn good. Fire bad. WUH-MAN! WUH-MAN! EEEE-GAAAAHHH!!!
Get a silk bag from the graveyard duck to live longer.
This statement is false.
The square root of the hypotenuse of a scalene triangle is equivalent to the volume of cough syrup I have consumed today. And you're still drunk.
We are all of us sick, twisted fucks. Some of us just hide it better. Take the cleanest, purest person you know. Someone who you think is truly clean-hearted. If you went inside their head, you'd want a Lysol shower after coming back out.
I sure hope my pants don't catch fire. Oh, wait, I'm not wearing any. That's a relief.
God have mercy on your soul if you're still reading this far into this.
For those of you who actually came this far, here's a picture of Sarah-Michelle Gellar naked.
There. Hope you liked it.
Don't stand barefoot on your muffler after driving for a few hours. I don't care HOW cold it is.
Always make sure the gun barrel is pointed out before hunting.
Eating beans before going to a gas log fireplace convention is generally a bad idea.
The worst position to be caught in during sex is with your pants up.
When falling off a cliff, screaming is really not going to help you. So just save your breath.
I shoot fireballs out me bum. Just thought you needed to know that.
No matter what you believe in, believe in something and believe it fully. Even if your belief is that there's nothing TO believe in. Because, viewed objectively, a cult worshipping the feces of Bobo the Amazing Poop-Throwing Gorilla has as much of a chance of being true as Christianity.
Remember, eagles may soar ... but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Them monkeys sure can't handle the exhaust fumes brought on by my borderilcious hammack wearing tostada brethren.
I don't like cheese, but I'm listening to the frogs. Have you any spoons?
A winner is me.
You have a cactus on your nose.
I wonder if she knows her shirt is almost see-through ... my God, what a pair! I hope she doesn't speak Swahili!
Listen to a song you think is pretty. Then think to yourself, "Why do I think this is pretty?" Beauty is an irrational concept; it cannot be proved or disproved. Shit can be beautiful throught the right pair of eyes. Therefore, you're either insane, or you have a soul. You can figure out which one applies to you for yourself. ^_^
The next time a Jehovah's Witness comes to your door, invite them in happily. Serve them tea or Cokes or whatever. Then calmly explain to them that you'd like to explain the virtues of Satan worship to them.
Never, under ANY circumastances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
God is an infinite being, and as such it is completely impossible for a finite being such as man to understand Him. I'm pretty sure, however, that He did NOT choose a fat guy on cable TV with a bad hairdo as His messanger.
No matter what happens, someone will take it way too seriously.
The true purpose of organized protests is to annoy people which are not in them. Unfortunately, these people usually have guns, billy clubs and oink a lot.
Sharkey is your unholy pagan god!
