Sailor Dorks
By: Merc
Chapter 3
Narrator: Finally after Amy called up all the outies and got
Luna to let the half-dead Artemis go, the innies went to the park to join
the outies. Little did they know just what was there…
Mercury: I detect very strong energy over there. My visor and
mini-computer rock!
Mars: You may have totally awesome gadgets and gizmos that have
saved our butts more times than we can count, but you honestly can't take
anything away from my cool fireballs.
Moon: Your fireballs are nothing but thin pieces of paper with
indecipherable picture thingys on them. And what's with the sudden praise
of Sailor Mercury?
Mars: (Whispering) the poor girl is the weakest link on our
team. I figured she needed moral support.
Mercury: Uh, just for the record, every team needs 3 things
to be successful. #1, a leader which tragically for us is Sailor Moon.
#2, an offense, i.e. everyone aside of me who can whoop some Negeverse
butt, and #3, a defense, i.e. me. Without a defense to keep you from getting
roasted if you're trapped or hurt. That is, all those times my so-called
soap bubbles of mine actually prevented your obituaries from getting into
the paper.
Jupiter: (yawning, sweatdropping, and looking very bored) Whatever…
Uranus: Hey, we've been waiting forever for you guys! Neptune
and I lost valuable bored time to be here!
Venus: We would've gotten here sooner, but Luna blew a gasket
and nearly killed my Artemis.
Chibi-Moon: Hey, you said there was a monster here. I don't
see no stinkin' monster!
Artemis: MONSTER???????
Venus: Artemis, aren't you supposed to be in shock at the vet?
Artemis: Ran away before he could give me the test.
Venus: What test?
Artemis: (Artemis) Uh… Well, just, the test.
Venus: WHAT STUPID TEST????????????????
(Mercury walks up next to Venus and whispers for a few brief
moments while the other scouts stand around doing nothing but being bored
and cold in their lovely little skirt uniforms. Mercury then steps back
and Venus turns into a human red florescent light.)
Venus: (embarrassed) Oh, that test.
Artemis: Yea.
Neptune: I came out here to kick some Negabutt with Uranus here
and I don't see any Negadweeb to kill!? What gives?
Pluto: Mercury, do you sense anything on your trey-cool visor?
Mercury: (now serious) I see some serious energy disturbance
right over… THERE!!!!!!!!
(Mercury points westward and sure enough, there's the evil monster)
Chibi-Moon: Whoa!
(The monster is dressed in next to nothing. Only a rather thick
chain that sticks to her skin covers the you-know-where on her chest. A
bikini-type bottom with some thin strips of cloth cover her * ahem *. The
monster has rainbow hair that comes down to her mid-back and she wears
sandals on her impossibly small feet.)
Artemis: Whoa momma!
Luna: Artemis!
Uranus: Yikes.
Jupiter: (yelling) Aren't you cold?
Monster: I am Boligrafo and I will crush you you Sailor Dingbats,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moon: Yea well, (insert battle music here)…
I am Sailor Moon, champion of justice,
Blah, blah, blah, yakity-shmakity, yadda, yadda, etc., etc.,
Boligrafo: Nice battle speech.
Moon: Well, I say the same speech over and over again and all
I get is criticism, so I figured the heck with it, I'll get the battle
done faster if I just skip the stupid speech.
Boligrafo: Cool.
Luna: Lazy ditz.
Moon: (annoyed) I heard that Luna.
Boligrafo: I'm going to kill you Sailor Nerds!
Artemis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD,
WE'RE ALL
GONNA DIE, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOMBODY CALL 911!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Artemis panics and runs straight into a wall, upon impact he
cracks the wall and then slides down to the ground, unconscious and with
a huge bump on his forehead. Jupiter sees this and gets very upset)
Jupiter: I CALL UPON THE FORCES OF JUPITER… JUPITER… OAK… EVOLUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neptune: … RISING… TIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The monster dodges both of these attacks and moons the Scouts)
Boligrafo: Ha ha ha. You cannot defeat me you stupid Sailor
Brats!
Mercury: Hey I resent that.
Venus and Jupiter: Don't you monsters have any better insults?
Boligrafo: Sure… Sailor Dorks, Sailor Jerks, Sailor @#$^&*!)@$%^#…
Pluto: Watch it! There are 8-year-olds about here! And one 16-year-old
who thinks like an 8-year-old.
Boligrafo: Sorry.
Saturn: You know, I've had no say in this stupid mission yet.
I think that I don't like you very much.
Pluto: Just for not making Saturn like you, I'm going to kill
you. DEATH SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The blast hits the monster square in the chest)
Boligrafo: (slightly annoyed) ow.
Uranus: WORLD SHAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The later impact throws Boligrafo into the same wall as Artemis
where she hits her head and has a tough time getting up)
Luna: I'm shaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!
Mars: All right, now it's my turn to rock and roll! MARS… CELESTIAL…
FIRE… SURROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boligrafo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hot hot hot
hot hot.
Everyone: Hey Moonie, quit playing audience and start killing!!!
Moon: All right, but first I need to choose what to kill it
with. (Starts to count on fingers and look concentrated) There's my tiara,
my scepter, my heart therapy kiss but that's more of an attack, my halation?
Jupiter: Just kill the @#$%^&*(!!!
Moon: Sailor Jupiter!
Chibi-Moon: Mommy, what does @#$%^&* mean?
Mercury: Chibi-Moon, that's a naughty word, so, if you ever
want to see Luna P. again, you'll have to promise not to say it.
Chibi-Moon: Luna P.!!!
Mercury: Promise?
Chibi-Moon: (quickly) Promise!
Moon: Eanie-meanie-miney-mo. Scepter it is!
Boligrafo: (weakly) you Sailor Scouts are pretty pathetic.
Neptune: No duh, that took, how long to figure out?
Uranus: Pretty long.
Jupiter: Longer than most of our enemies that we've killed in
the past that's for sure.
Moon: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON…………… SCEPTER……………………..
ELIMINATIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The monster screams a couple of vulgar words and turns into
a big pile of dust.)
Moon: (chanting) Oh yeeeaaaa, I roooooock, oh yeeeaaa, I rooooooooock!!!!!!!!!!
Jupiter: Shut up Moon.
Moon: WAAAAAAAAAAAA, JUPITER, YOUR SOOOOOO
MEEEEEEAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mars: Shut up Moon.
Moon: pthpthpthpthpthpth!
Mars: pthpthpthpthpth!
Saturn and Pluto: Shut up you morons!
Moon: pthpthpthpthpthpth!
Mars: pthpthpthpthpth!
Uranus: Would you two shut the @#$^ up!
Mercury: (quietly) oh my virgin ears.
Saturn: Uranus, what does @#$^ mean?
Neptune: (very quickly) AA!
Pluto: I think it's time we all go home before Mars and Moon
and Uranus beat each other to a pulp.
Chibi-Moon: Great, now I can go back to giving my swim instructor
a heart attack!
Luna: Chibi-Moon, swim practice ended an hour ago.
Chibi-Moon: @#$%!
Everyone: * gasp * !
Venus: I had better get Artemis back to the vet. I hope he's
still alive.
(Everyone splits up, detransforms, and goes home)
Chapter 4