Okay so I don't have a lot of favorite quotes but, if u Click Here you'll have many more to read from.
Why chicks love guys
How they try to secretly smell your hair, but you alway notice.
How they stick up for you, but still respect your independence.
How they are so wrapped up in everything else, but still have time for you. The way their arms fit firmly around you. The way they hint that they want to kiss.The way their hands always finds yours.
How cute they are when they really want something.
How they never run out of new games to play.
How they never run out of good jokes.
How they never run out of love.
How they are funny, but know when to be serious.
How they react when they realize they are being funny, when they need to be serious.
How they react when you hit them and it actually hurts.
The way they are patient when you take forever to get ready.
The way they smile.
The way they kiss you. :) :)
The way they try to hide that one stuffed animal when you come over.
The way they act like Mr. Big.
The way apologize for acting like Mr. Big.
The way the ask you for a pen in class and you know they have one.
How they are blasting music when they pick up the phone.
How they turn it off when they notice that you are on the phone.
How they look at you during class and make you get butterflies in your stomach.
They way the hug you on a bad day and the clouds seem to lift.
The way they look into your eyes.
The way they smell.
How you catch him starring at you from across the room.
The way they watch chick flicks you.
They way they listen when you complain.
Having them put their arms around you randomly (and at the movies doesn't count!)
Having them trying to hold your hand when your parents are around. Especilly if your parents are made at you and/or them.
There are many others but that is the basic for now.
Boys, are sweet.
Boys are cute.
But they are JERKS, when they give you the boot!!
A heart is not a playing thing.
A heart is not a toy,
but if you want it broken, give it to boy.
Girlhood:
When and since you are climbing up the ladder to success. Don't let the boys look up your dress. They'll say you are cute. They'll say you are fine. Nine months later they'll say it's not MINE!!
Interesting Facts
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Every stamp you lick, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.
An ant always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.
Humans need to touched at least 6 times a day to feel loved.
There was one about celery but I can't remember it right now.
Natural Highs
Falling in love.
Laughing so hard your face hurts.
No lines at the Super Walmart.
A special glance.
Getting mail. (and not junk/forwards)
Taking a drive on a pretty road.
Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
Lying in bed listen to the rain outside.
Watching lighting/rain storms.
Walking out of your last final!
Towels/clothes out of the dryer.
Giggling.
A care package.
The beach.
Finding money in your coat from last winter.
Running though sprinklers
Laughing for absolutley no reason.
Having someone tell you your beautiful.
Your fisrt kiss.
Swinging on swings.
Watching a movie, cuddled up on the couch with someone you love.
Song lyrics printed in CD booklet's.
Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person.
Running through fountains with your friends.
Holding hands with soemone you care about.
Watching sunset's and sunrises.
Buying Ice Cream at 1 am with your best friends.
Playing pictionary with your best friends,
Key Chain Quotes
- I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people.
- We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
- Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.
- Life is short. Don't be a dick.
- Yoo hoo!! Here I am, at the bottom of your purse!
- Starlight Starbright where the hell is Mr. Right
- To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
- I majored in liberal arts, would you like fries w/that.
- I majored in philosophy, would you like fries w/that.
- I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear
- I have PMS and a gun. Did you have a problem with that!?!
- I'm 17. Give me your credit cards, give me your keys and get out of my way.
- I haven't found Mr Right but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong
- You're just jealous cause the voices talk to me.
- It's Miss Bitch to you.
- How do you keep an idiot amused? Turn over. . . (on both sides of keychain)
- I suffer from PMS... Putting up with Men's Shit
- If you're rich, I'm single.
- Men suffer from PMS too... Pretending to be Macho Studs
- If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you shower nude, it show's your nuts!!!
- I'm immature, unorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD... but I'm FUN.
- If you don't like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!
- If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna piss you off. - or - If it has tires or tits, it's gonna piss you off.
- Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!
- Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass
- Birthdays only come once a year... aren't you glad you're not a birthday?
- To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!
- (Written in really tiny writing) Nosy little fucker, aren't you?
- (This is a visual gag. It's a condom inside plastic with the caption) "In case of emergency, break glass." (What's really funny is in tiny writing underneath) "Not recommended for use"
- I am so broke, I can't even pay attention.
- I am not a BITCH... I am *the* BITCH.
- I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.
- I'm in touch with my inner bitch.
- I am trying to graduate college with a 4.0 (blood alcohol level).
- I do what the voices in my head tell me. Looking for Mr. Right *crossed out* Mr. Wonderful *crossed out* Mr. Coffee!
- Heartbreaker, looking for next victim.
- In God we trust. All others we monitor.
- Not all women are annoying... some are dead.
- The nuns made me dress this way.
- You! Out of the gene pool!
- You must be this tall to ride this ride.
- Moody Bitch; seeking a caring, and understanding guy to dump on.
B.I.T.C.H. = Beautiful Individual That Can Handle anything!
10 reasons why sex is better than School
1. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.
2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.
3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.
4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.
5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.
6. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress.
7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have
sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. Eagles may soar, but dogs don't get sucked into jet engines.
17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
18. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
19. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
21. The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.
22. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have.
23. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
24. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
26. Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
27. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
28. Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.
29. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
30. Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest.
31. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
32. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
33. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
34. The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required on it.
35. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
36. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
38. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
39. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
40. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
41. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
42. The sooner you fall behine the more time you'll have to catch up.
43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45. Get a new car for you spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
46. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
47. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
50. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
More quotes
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? 'Don't eat pork. God has spoken.' Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." --Winston Spear
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron Richards
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
Men vs Women II
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.Bring beer.
Pet centipede
A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet, so he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
There was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
Again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
Steven Wrigth Quotes 3
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people
ask me if I'm leaving.- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know where sleep is." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
- My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
- I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use... Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
- Clones are people two.
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
- So what's the speed of dark?
- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
- I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
Even more qutoes
- Some mornings, it just ain't worth chewing through the leather
straps.- Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.
- Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.
- Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.
- DAMMIT, YOU'RE STILL TALKING?!
- Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.
- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
- Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.
- Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as long as I piss you off in the process.
- Pissed off? Hey, it's better than being pissed on.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the people in hiscar.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.
- God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.
- Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming train.
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
- Love thine enemies...it REALLY pisses them off.
- Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.
- You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.
- Gravity sucks.
- There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of high explosives.
Extreme Bumper Stickers Seen on Cars
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Effective Insults
1. Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up.2. They can't measure your intellegect. The scale won't go that low.
3. Apperances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.
4. I promist not to make fun of your height. I wouldn't stoop to that.
5. I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more to not like about you.
6. I think you stepped on something smelly. Oh its your feet.
7. I've seen tables with nicer looking legs.
8. Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death.
9. You're mouths the perfect size...for your foot.
10. I've seen a nose like yours before, but it lookes better on the baboon.
11. You know what I like about your face? Me neither.
12. You know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.
13. Why don't you do something different with your hair, like wash it.
14. You're a person or rare intelligence...its rare you show any.
15. You'll never use your mind. You can't use something you've never had.
16. You've made this date one I'll never forget...no matter how hard I try to forget.
17. I know why they call this a "blind date"...now that I've seen you...I wish I was blind.
18. You're like disposable diapers...always getting dumped on.
19. SOMEONE ELSE: "What are you doing Friday night?" YOU: "Trying to forget you asked me that.
20. SOMEONE ELSE: "What's he/she got that I haven't?" YOU: "You want it alphibetically?"
21. I've seen better looking hair in my shower drain.
22. I've seen better looking hair in my grandma's nose.
Signs that you are too drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar..
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
OK....this was out there before, but read this David's response, please. I don't know who David is, but his response is hilarious!!!
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 =11
Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
I Have More.......
State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union
New York City - 11 Letters
Afghanistan - 11 Letters
The Pentagon - 11 Letters
Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack at the WTC in 1993)
Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 =11
Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 =11
Dave's response:
Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "David Pawson!" I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.
Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters!
What am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can't believe it!
Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planetEarth I could hide! But no..."PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!
Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."
I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can't... 11 letters in "THE RED CROSS," can't trust them.
I would rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it, too!
Can someone help? Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters....
Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!!
Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters.....
Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4=11!
~Dave
PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters also. ;)
Things You Can Say at Thanksgiving and get away with!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.,
3. It's Cool Whip time!,
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!,
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!,
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.,
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?,
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?,
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!,
10. Don't play with your meat.,
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.,
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?,
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!,
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.,
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.,
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!,
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!,
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready
Proverbs As Told By Children
As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!
A penny saved is... not much.
Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.
This could get you in trouble...
The following is immoral, stupid, possibly illegal, and perhaps dangerous. Oh, and its likely to piss some people off as well. But it is fun to think about though.
Call 911, tell ''em its an emergency, you're hungry and try to order a pizza.
Try to commandeer a police car.
Buy a T-Shirt that says, "Ask me how your wife was."
Answer your phone, "What the fuck do you want!?"
Call AT&T and ask for rates of three of their competitors.
If you manage to get the rates for three of AT&Ts competitors, say, "I can top that" then hang up.
If you're in a place and some GUYS cell phone rings, blurt out, "Tell your wife I'M unavailable!"
Answer your phone "Who's your daddy!?"
Try to buy drugs from a police officer.
Next time some one says, "You bet your ass." Tell 'em you don't swing that way.
Get a gas can, wash it out really REALLY good, poke a small hole in the bottom of the can so it will leak. Next Get a really big cigar, light it, fill the gas can with water and walk down the street with a lit cigar and a gas can leaking. Hold the cigar in the same hand as the gas can.
If your really bored and have a lot of money you don't need (I could use it!) try to sue Microsoft.
Dress up like a shark and drive around the beach in a jeep.
Buy some condoms and ask the pharmacist if his/her daughter is home.
Super glue some ones car door shut.
Try to sell some one else's car that is parked on the side of the street.
Next time you over hear a conversation and you hear any foul language, say "Watch your fucking mouth, asshole! the fucking nerve of some people, Jesus fucking Christ! I've never heard so much fucking profanity in my fucking life, SHIT!"
Sing out loud, Yankee doodle dandy, but change the lyrics to, "Yank my noodle, Sandy"
Stare at someone until they look back at you. Ask 'em, "What the fuck are you looking at?"
Wipe your ass with a dollar bill then toss it out onto a busy side walk. Watch the fun!
Tell all the people on the sales floor of your local K-mart or what ever, that their vacuums suck.
Actual Newspaper Headlines and Ads
Fathers day sale: Tampax Tampons $5.99 One man, Seven woman hot tub -- $850/offer
Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.
Free puppies...part German Shepherd; part dog.
Two wire mesh butchering gloves, One 5-finger, One 3-finger, pair: $15
Tickle Me Elmo Doll. New in box. Hardly tickled. $700
Black face cows, calves...also 1 gay bull for sale.
'83 Toyota hunchback...$2000
Valentines Day Sale: ty-d-bol blue toss-ins
Do something special for your valentine...have your septic tank pumped.
Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel...1/2 sneaky neighbor dog.<----HAHAHAHA!!!!
Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Soft and genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents
German shephard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free. Make a mint on this one!! LOL
Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Free 1 can of pork and beans with purchase of 3 Bedroom 2 bath home.
For sale: Lee Majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
Charmin Ultra Bathroom Tissue -- boneless
Nordic track $300 - hardly used - call Chubbie at:
Bill's septic cleaning - 'we haul American made products' <---Not much business there!!!!!
Shakespeare's Pizza - free chopsticks
Hummels - largest selection ever - 'if it's in stock, we have it!'
Get a Little John - the traveling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
President's Choice - cow manure - Two 33 lb bags - $5
Harrisburg postal employees gun club
Georgia peaches - California grown - 89 cents lb.
For rent - vibrator - well used *eeeeeeeeeeesh!!* won't touch that with a ten foot pole! (pardon the pun!!)
Cute kitten for sale, Two cents or best offer
Whirlpool built in oven -- frost free!
Barbie country ride -- (note: most dolls cannot pedal the bike).
'93 Pontiac Lemons - low miles
Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
Frozen soft and gentle bath tissue - 4 rolls 99 cents
American flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100
Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good Christian home.
Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be a reward.
The most romantic love songs of the '50s: including '16 tons' by Tennessee Ernie Ford
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer - $300.
Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember.
Exercise equipment queen size mattress and box spring - $175.
Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Tickle Me Elmo Doll, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 mustang, auto, excellent condition $6800
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP 2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK:
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't
help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Life like!"
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Kentucky and West Virginia)
Interesting Facts 2
1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"
3. Almonds are members of the peach family.
4. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
7. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
8. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
9. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
10. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosesl.
12. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukup okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.
13. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,L.A.
14. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
16. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
18. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti
31. 'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.
33. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.
37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
38. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."
39. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
He said She said!
10. He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing
to put in it. She said: You wear briefs, don't you?
9. She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8. He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you in the worst way.
She said: Well, you succeeded.
7. He said: Two inches more, and I would be king'.
She said: Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6. On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5. He said: Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said: That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa.
4. Priest: I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.
She said: Who's gonna look?
3. He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money
I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2. He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.
1. He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said: I would but you're never there.
Nag, Nag, Nag
Q: It's time to get up!
A: I just got up yesterday...
A: Tell Morning to come back later.
A: I'll rise, but I won't shine.
A: I just need five more hours.
A: Call work, tell them I died.
Q: If all the other kids jump off a bridge, will you?
A: That depends, will it mess up my hair?
A: Sure, maybe I'll land on a fat kid.
A: As long as the lines not too long.
A: No, I'd rather jump off a building.
A: I think you can do that at Disney World.
Q: How many times do I have to tell you this?
A: Don't stop now, you're getting close to the record!
A: If I guess right, do I get a prize?
A: I can't tell, I need a calculator.
A: 250, Give or takes a million.
A: I don't know, we haven't studied that in math class.
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?#9 No Thanks. Just sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
Costume Party
A man and his wife are getting ready to go to a custume party.
Neither is happy with what the other is wearing. After a lot of
arguing the woman storms out of the room slamming the door
behind her. She comes back completely naked with a lemon between
her legs and says, "Is that better?"The man sees her and is very upset by her mockery and storms out slamming the door in the same fashion she had. He comes back with his penis shoved into a potato and says, "If you're going as a sour-puss I'm going as a dictator."
Rules that guys wished girls knew...
1. If you think you're fat,
you probably are. Don't ask us.2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
Why God created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden
of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions. 9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see (WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all [Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.] God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that."
Seven Wise Men (The Creation)
Seven wise men with the knowledge so fine. Created a pussy to their own
design. First, was a Butcher sharp with wit,using a knife created a slit.
Second, was a Carpenter strong and bold, using a chisle created a hole.
Third, was a Taylor tall and thin, using red velvet he lined it within.
Fourth, was a Hunter short and stout, using furr he lined it without.
Fifth, was a Fisherman as naughty as hell, who threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth, was a Preacher named Macgee, who touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Seventh, was a Sailor,A dirty little runt, who fucked it and sucked it and called it a kunt!
"Let's blame Adam"
This is obvisouly from a male point of view
So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost me?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" THE REST IS HISTORYSome Useless Knowledge
Some of these might have been said before
Some useless things to know for the fact of knowing.The most common last name in the world is Patel.
The most common first name in the world is Mohammed.
No word in the English language rhymes with the words month, orange, purple, or silver.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Our stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks or else it will digest itself.
Our skin weighs twice as much as our brain.
An ostrich's eye is larger than its brain.
If you ever find yourself in the jaws of a crocodile, jam your thumbs into each of its eyes. It will release you instantly.
The first bomb dropped by the Allies in WW II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
If you being chased by an alligator or crocodile, run in a straight path rather than zig-zag. They can't see straight.
The best selling book in the history of man is the Bible.
The largest pyramid is not in Egypt but rather in the Yucatan (Mexico), built by the Mayans.
The Amazon River is the largest river in the world by volume.
If a octopus gets hungry eough, it'll eat its own arms, besides it has eight it can spare one or two.
When you sneeze, the air that comes out of your nose goes faster than that of a hurricane.
GIRL POEM
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
And I can justify,
Any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber,
But a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
Without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
About the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
And yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
Whenever I am wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
At any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
Admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
An important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
With lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
To remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face,
Not at my chest!
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!
CHINESE PROVERBS--- Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
**********
Man who run in front of car get tired.
**********
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
**********
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
**********
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
**********
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
**********
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
**********
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
**********
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
**********
Baseball all wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
**********
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
********** War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
**********
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
**********
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
**********
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
**********
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there fast.
**********
Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
**********
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
**********
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
**********
Man who fart in church sit in pew.
**********
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Signs on Business
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman,and the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
"Respect and Loyalty, Dont expect to get it if you're not going to give it."
"You're a true friend if your the one who walks in when everybody else walks out."
"For the things you have to learn before you do them, you must learn my doing them"-think about it "Always try to view life differently. If you look at life the same when you're 50 as you did when you were 20, you wasted 30 years of your life." "Never ever waste a day, cause you will never get it back. And dont disrespect your freinds or wrong them, cuase you can never erase the act." - Alex nunham
"I just wanna get out there and DANCE!" "To expose your true self to yourself is more tolling than exposing your true self to others" "A mind is not useful to anyone unless it is open." "CHARISMA IS GREAT! Way 2 go @ Luers!" Marty.
Lists
Okay now I'm asking something of you. I need help with either colors or things to add to the page. I don't like the boring all one color look but it's difficult finding color codes for colors that show up on this back ground. Oh well, Email Me!
I'd like to thank Amy who sent me most of these as e-mails, she got them from Funny.com
Last updated March 31st 2004
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