Lists
Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when i am
with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make
you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them
knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is
falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be
the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste
their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the
right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be
grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have
to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next
time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try
and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them
to.
~ REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.~
George Carlin Witticisms
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, then why do we still
have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
6. I went to the bookstore and asked the sales clerk, "Where's the self-help section?" She said that if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all of those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is walking around the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
10.If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it a hostage situation?
11.Is there another word for synonym?
12.Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
practice?
13.Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
14.What do you do when you see an endangered animal eat an
endangered plant?
15.If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16.Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17.Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
18.If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he considered homeless
or naked?
19.Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20.Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21.If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
22.Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines?
23.How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow signs?
24.Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
25.What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26.Here's something you never hear a man say: "After I shove
this hot poker up my ass I'm going to chop my dick off."
27.Another thing you'll never hear a man say: "Stop sucking my
dick or I will call the cops."
28.Life's not that tough. You wake up, go to work, eat three
meals, take one good shit and go back to bed.
29.Why are boxing rings square?
The Last Thing you would ever hear a woman say
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just
being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche
that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the
armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to
swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
11. I think belching is really sexy.
12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best
friend.
13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers
tonight?
14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all
if you see other women.
15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.
16. I love a good cigar after sex.
17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old
bass boat.
18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the
workbench.
20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up
chick. I wish I could meet her one day.
21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the
Tyson fight at a bar.
23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it
again today.
25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them
all day.
26. I understand.
27. You don't swear enough.
28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.
29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's
cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes
outside.
31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding.
They go with anything.
32. I think I'll call him up and ask him out.
33. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make
that girl a slut! She's just really friendly.
34. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
35. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
36. Oh yeah, any hole you want.
The Last Thing you would ever hear a man say
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Her tits are just too big.
5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I
can hold your purse.
9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for
directions.
11. Hey look, there's a wool and fabric shop! Let's go buy
something.
12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?
14. Do these jeans come in lavender?
15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you. You go on
ahead.
16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.
17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.
18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. My butt's too big.
19. It's OK, I'll sleep in the wet spot.
20. I know you just blew me but I need a kiss.
21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
22. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are
open when she's getting ready for bed? Maybe I should tell her.
24. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't
look at them any more.
26. I understand.
27. This movie has too much nudity.
28. Damn, we're late for church!
29. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.
30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
31. Over-sized t-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat
chicks.
32. Slow down, you move too fast. You've got to make the morning
last.
33. Put some panties on for Christ's sake!
34. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
35. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
36. Hey, watermelon bathroom air-freshener pot-pourri. Let's get
some!
More Tales of Induviduals
When the waiter came to take our order, I asked, "What is the
soup du jour?" The waiter turned to me and responded very slowly
and clearly, "It's the Soup...OF---THE---DAY."
**********
My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it
for free when she bought a used console TV for the living room.
The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because
it would shut off after a while. After checking out the
on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep timer set for
90 minutes!
**********
I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that
said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked. The driver leaned out
his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the
light is still red, you moron?"
**********
I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my employer
and have been waiting for approval for over five weeks. I found
out today that it has taken this long because my loan officer
was unable to get verification of my employment.
**********
A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the
office renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from
the side. The site supervisor came over with a worker, pointed
to the pole, and said, "That's really sharp and could hurt
someone. I want it filed down." The worker reached out, touched
it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor yelled "Don't touch
it!" When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the
supervisor said, "Wow, that *is* sharp!" and reached out and
touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his finger in his mouth, and
walked away with the worker.
Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling.
"That's what needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really
sharp." The underling reached out and touched it. "Ow!" he
yelped and yanked his finger away.
Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone
else could verify how sharp it was.
**********
A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face.
He had been looking for building address number 70, and in his
words, "The street numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our
building)." I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might
try across the road.
**********
After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of
completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the
building. I discovered that the building had been built with no
fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to
smash through the manager's office window. So I put these
comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it
got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head
office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is
an acceptable option by returning your approval."
**********
One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a
piece of pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it
costs more to get a piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal,"
which would be a piece of pizza AND a vegetable.
The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he
wanted to pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no
vegetables left in the line at this point, so he couldn't get
any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to make him wait while she
went to find some corn, despite his insistence that he wouldn't
eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the
corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.
[Editor's note: Young folks will be happy to know that people
like the cafeteria lady have another name in the post-school
world. They're called "your boss.
**********
We had a power outage during a thunderstorm. As we peered from
our dark cubicles to the outside world, my director commented
that it looked like power was out for miles, since the office
buildings as far as we could see were also dark.
Our temp admin said, and I quote: "But then why are the cars
running?"
**********
During a bout of tornadic weather, a local TV newsperson
standing by a roadside at 5:20 p.m. made the statement that the
sky was growing very dark, indicating that this was a sign of
tornadoes approaching. Since it was January, it was also a sign
that the sun was going down.
**********
I was in my company's gift shop when I overheard one of the
employees ask her manager if she could take a break.
"I just want to go smoke a cigarette and get some fresh air."
It is worthy to note that she followed her comment with a nice,
moist-sounding cough.
I wonder if she'll ever complain that whenever she smokes
outside, the air just doesn't seem that fresh.
**********
I recently had a garage sale in which I was selling an old
beater of a motorcycle that wasn't running, for $50. An
Induhvidual negotiated me down to $30 and I made the sale. After
getting the title notarized, I was making out the bill of sale
when the Induvidual asks, "Can I get your phone number too, in
case I have any problems with it?"
**********
I am turning in my own mother: She used to think that the
letters of the yogurt chain, TCBY, stood for Thank God It's
Yogurt.
**********
At work, a representative for an office supply store was telling
us about their line of glare screens for computer monitors. We
were planning to buy them for all the computers. About ten
minutes into the presentation, one of our Induhviduals raised
his hand and said, "I thought we were going to be getting
ANTI-glare screens."
I guess he was worried we would get the product that increases
the glare on your screen.
Who understands men
Just a little insight for those who don't already know!
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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2. Coca-Cola was originally green.
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3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
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4. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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5. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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6. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
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7. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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8. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 (and for our family.....there has been so many dogs...! keep adding!)
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9. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
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10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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11. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
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12. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
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13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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14. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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18. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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20. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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21. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that make them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
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22. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super bowl.
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23. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
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Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
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Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laserprinters all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
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Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
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Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
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1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
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2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
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3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
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4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
Words of Wisdom
1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
2. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
6. Sign in Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatos, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!
12. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
13. I am a no-body, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
14. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately.
15. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
16. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
17. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
18. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
19. The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
20. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
21. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work
drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you
keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human
Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on
your tan.
and (drum roll please) the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
8:00!"
75 Ways to Order Pizza by Phone
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering.
Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is o the other line
and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address & exclaim, "oh, just surprise me!" and
hang up.
8. Answer their questions w/ questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about
nutrition,and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the coversation: Robust
Free-Spirited Cost-Efficient Ukranian Puce.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from
Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge into your voice when you say "crazy bread".
15. Stutter on the letter "P".
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning
Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the reciever.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if
they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if
you would like drinks with that, panic and become
disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer
you up.
20-22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every 3 seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern
as follows from an equasion you are about to dictate. Ask
if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say,
"Bed-Wetters'Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like 85.". A little later, slap
yourself and say, "No I don't".
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right,
say, "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first
window".
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes,
heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent of the last syllable of "pepperoni" use the
long "I" sound
32. Have your pizza,"shaken, not stirred".
33. Say, "Are you sure this is (Pizza place)?? When they say
yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to
do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact,
(pizza place), start to cry, and say, "do you know what
it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as
you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back
into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure that your pizza is,
in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say, "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you
mean now."
39. Play a guitar in the backround
40. Say it's your anniversary, and you'd appreciate it if the
deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse
to arrive so you can surprise them.
41. Amuse the order taker with little known facts about country
music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people
call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it
should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza, and have it be delivered
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a doze of your
best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and
say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask
again.V
53. Order 2 toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Lear to properly pronouce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask
that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were
drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his
supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Ceaser's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph
and Mary in Tinsel Town"
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly decalare, "I shall
not be swayed by your sweet words"
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the call with "My call to (pizza place), Take 1, and.
Action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintience and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more
OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch tone, press 911 every 5 seconds throughout
the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button does?"
Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the coversation by reciting today's date and saying,
"this may be my last entry"
71. State your order and say that's as far as the relationship
is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza"
Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be
done to your pizza.
73. Say, "Ksssssssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the
phone.Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your
advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include
another pizza.
You Might Be a College Student If...
1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic
Cups (i.e. Olympic Dream Team I or II).
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up
(one trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce
yourself.
13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
15. If you go to Walmart more than 3 times a week.
16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it sucks.
17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class.
19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.
20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class.
21. If your social life consists of a date with the library.
22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.
23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's
all you have.
25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit
to class.
26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.
27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter.
28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women.
(whichever your preference)
30. If you have built up a tolerence for certain beverages.(he he he)
31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room.
34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen
Noodles.
35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.
36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
37. If you get more e-mail than mail......
30 Things to Do in a Car
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a
look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it
looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window
or sunroof. Feel free to make itdance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back,offer an angry look and an
obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out
the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow down...to a stop. Then get
out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
THOUGHTS!
1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
7. He who hesitates is probably right.
8. (I Really Didn't like this one)
9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
16. Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened.
17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ..... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
23. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
24. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
25. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
26. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
27. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
28. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.
29. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color. (YES!)
30. Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you.
Genuine letters sent to Landlords
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
3. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
7. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
8. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
9. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
10. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
11. Will you please send someone to look at my water; it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
13. Will you please send someone to mend my downspout? I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
14. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and its very uncomfortable for us.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
Last Updated March 18th 2002
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