1. Don't call. EVER
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure
it out by herself.
3. Lie
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal,
such
as "Spike"
5. If you loose something that belongs to someone else, tell them that
you
mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will
do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't
your
fault.
9. Lie
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help don't ask.
People
will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (big loogies means big penis)
15. Everyone considers a man more important if he can write his name in
urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend.
She
will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her
17. Tell her you will call. Then refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked
it
out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
19. Lie
20. Deny everything. EVERYTHING!!!
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially
female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (probably all of them
-
you're a man, remember?) They really want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You
may
get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in every possible possitions and
locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of sexual peak, sex often signifies
the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings?? What feelings? Life is one big competition. If someone is
better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their
ass.
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something,
either pretend it's not true, or kick their ass.
31. Lie I tell you.
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a
corner
and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer,
leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you
take
me out for a romatic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how
many sperm I
produce each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning.
TWIST.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have play-doh, make sure you make a replica
of
your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%)
35. Lie
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even THINK about saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely
in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her
again. Repeat Cycle.
39. Lie
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. DON'T.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You
know, like your girlfriends birthday and eyecolor.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
44. It's never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, ect.
46. Lie.
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you
don't know.
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people
you
don't know.
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON"t
STOP!
This is the disired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself.
Have
sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please
you.
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say
anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with
YOU,
and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
58. Lie.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've
done
nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have
to cry
about, anyway.
61. If the question begins with "why." the answer is "I don't know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and then throw them away.
63. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you heat this phrase
and it
didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
parking
spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will
have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
66. Other people's pain is strictly for your amusement . Laugh long, laugh
loud, laugh heartily.
67. Lie.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor, A) make a big deal about how hard it
is
for you to do it, B) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them
atleast every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
69. 69
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to
talk to
you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually
ask,
"is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to
you
again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll
pretend I want to be your friend!!
72. Lie.
73. If you are on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
the
girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you are going to leave for a
few
minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed.
Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his
daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else,
she
has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to
end
the reelationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up...and twenty girls on top.
77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
78. Spend most of your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up
your
butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your
ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first
try
your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work go ahead and and
do
what you are asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it
and
continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes
in
to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly
can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually , people
will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
81. Beer, then more beer.
82. One word: FOOTBALL!!
83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the
inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we??
84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
85. LIE.
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