Doug: Hey. Hey, why are you all dressed up?
Deacon: What? You told me Carrie got us into the company sky box.
Doug: Yeah, but it's still a Mets game. Why are you going all Cliff Huxtable on me?
Deacon: It's just that I've never been in the really fancy seats before, and I'm all excited.
Doug: Hey, if I can make your dream come true, and make us even for breaking your power drill, then...
Deacon: Wait, you told me you were going to pay for that.
Doug: And I am. With the magic of a day at Shea Stadium.
Deacon: Man. Well, I guess it's better than when you lost my cell phone, and paid me back with a magical song written personally for me.
Doug: OK, you didn't like "Get Your Freak On, Deacon." Come on.

Carrie comes downstairs.

Carrie: All right. We should get going. Where's Spence?
Doug: Oh. He's uh, going to meet us there. He's getting his mom into a tub, or out of a tub. I don't know, I shut down pretty quick.
Deacon: By the way, thanks for the tickets, Carrie.
Carrie: Yeah. Listen, I'm schmoozing a very big client tonight, so if you want to show your appreciation, you keep this one from embarrassing me, OK?
Doug: Whoa. I didn't shave the Mets logo into my chest hair just for you to enjoy. It's for everyone.
Carrie: All right.

OPENING CREDITS

Carrie is getting a drink for her client, Joyce.

Carrie: Here you go! One martini, extra dry.
Joyce: Oh, thank you, Carrie.
Carrie: Oh, and if you're hungry, they have a great spread over there. They have uh, mini quiche, stuffed mushrooms, and if you like living on the edge, ballpark sushi.
Joyce: Carrie, I truly like getting my ass kissed, but it's a nine inning game, so pace yourself.
Carrie: Just following orders.
Joyce: Ah.
Carrie: Uh, seriously though, all sucking up aside, I just want to tell you that I really admire what you've done with your company. I mean, you've built some of the most beautiful hotels that I could never afford to stay in.
Joyce: You know, real estate development is still a boys club, but I'm always looking for a talented woman to take under my wing.
Carrie: Really?! That's funny because I'm actually between wings right now.

Joyce's cell phone rings.

Joyce: Oh, excuse me. Joyce Robbins. Oh, I have to take this.
Carrie: OK. I just need to find my husband, I want you to meet him.
Joyce: What? No, those tenants were supposed to be out by Monday. What? You're breaking up.

Doug and Deacon are getting food.

Deacon: You put mayo on a hot dog?
Doug: That's right, my friend. And one day, so will all of America.
Deacon: Excuse me.
Doug: Come on, man, let's move.
Deacon: I can't. There's a lot of people.
Doug: OK, you know what? This ain't working. I'm just going to crouch and eat.
Deacon: Or! Come on, man. You're better than this. Come on. It's not that far.
Joyce: It's called turning off the water.
Doug: Excuse me.
Joyce: Well, read me exactly what the court order says.
Doug: Could you excuse me, miss? I just need to get through.
Joyce: I can't hear you. Oh! AH! Do you see what you did?
Doug: I'm very sorry. I just couldn't get by you.
Joyce: Well, a person with manners would have waited.
Doug: That's a good point. You know what another good point is? Pffft!
Deacon: Oh, where are you going?
Doug: Where am I going? I got to rebuild!

Joyce goes back into the sky box angry.

Joyce: This big oaf got mayonnaise and relish all over me! I mean, who puts mayonnaise on a hot dog? This is an $800 Giuseppe Graziano, and now, it's ruined. I could just kill that fat idiot.
Spence: Hey, there's the girl!
Joyce: Oh, is this your husband?
Carrie: Uh, yes! Yes, it is! Hey, honey! Work with me, OK? Um, Doug, this is Joyce Robbins.
Spence: Hello.
Joyce: Very nice to meet you.
Carrie: Oh, why don't you two get acquainted? I'm going to go report that guy to security. I'm going to suggest they taser him.
Joyce: Oh. Great.
Carrie: Yeah.
Spence: Is that a Giuseppe Graziano?

Carrie goes into the hallway.

Carrie: Turn it around.
Doug: What?
Carrie: Yeah. That's right. That was my client!
Doug: Who?
Carrie: The woman you got your disgusting hot dog all over!
Doug: How about she got herself all over my hot dog? Huh? That's right! I said it!
Carrie: You are not going in that box, so go watch the game somewhere else. Both of you. Out!
Doug: Fine.
Deacon: What did I do?
Carrie: This happened on your watch! Now out!
Deacon: Man!

Holly is helping Arthur with his dinner party at home.

Holly: Arthur, I just think it's so cute that you're throwing this dinner party.
Arthur: Then why are you trying to ruin it?!
Holly: What? What did I do?
Arthur: These seating arrangements. What were you thinking?
Holly: What's wrong with them?
Arthur: Well, for one thing, you've got Lou Ferrigno sitting next to his wife. You never seat spouses next to each other!
Holly: Well, I told you! I've never done this before!
Arthur: That's all right! Don't cry again. I'll just put Mrs. Ferrigno next to Roberto, the bag boy from Wal-Bounce. The sexual tension will be like rocket fuel for the party.
Holly: I thought that was what the "brownies" were for.
Arthur: Actually, no. I decided against those. Ferrigno tends to get pretty paranoid.
Holly: You really put a lot of thought into your dinner parties.
Arthur: I have to. I'm host, I'm chef, I'm jester. Everything depends on me.
Holly: Well, I'm sure it's going to work out just fine. Oh, I should take this one away. Doctor Feldman called and said he can't make it.
Arthur: What?
Holly: Well, yeah. He said he wouldn't feel comfortable coming to the party seeing as you're suing him.
Arthur: That's a separate issue. What are we going to do? An odd number of guests is dinner party suicide.
Holly: Don't you know anyone else?
Arthur: No. Do you?
Holly: Yeah. Yeah, I know some people.
Arthur: Then get someone. Preferably a urologist.

Deacon and Doug are trying to find seats after Carrie didn't let them into the sky box.

Deacon: Hey, how about those two down there? Those are pretty sweet.
Doug: Yeah, they are pretty sweet, but I'm not sure we can get past the bacon.
Deacon: Just go. What's up, man?
Doug: All righty. Good old eleven and twelve.
Deacon: Ah.
Doug: Feels good.
Deacon: Oh yeah.
Guy: Uh, I think you're in our seats.
Deacon: Oh.
Doug: Is this Field Box J? Is this third base? I am all turned around. It's third base.
Deacon: Don't worry about it.
Doug: It's crazy. Hey. Let's try upper deck.
Deacon: Upper deck? Now you're back to owing me for breaking my power drill.
Doug: Come on, man! All right, look, we'll find some seats down here, OK?
Deacon: What were you doing trying to drill through concrete anyway?
Doug: OK, I had a power drill and a few Heineken's, you do the math. Huh. Hey, look down here, come on.
Deacon: Oh yeah. Oh these are really sweet. Whoo. Hey, hey Beltran's up!
Doug: Hey, come on, Carlos, hey!
Deacon: Bunt it out!

A little boy a row back throws a carrot at Doug.

Doug: Someone's throwing baby carrots at me. Hey, that's funny. But we're done now. That's it. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'm!
Sylvia: All right. Hold on a second. What is it?
Doug: What is it? I'll tell you what it is. Your son is throwing carrots at me. OK? Control him.
Sylvia: Brandon. Do not! Take a time out or something. I'm sorry, Tina. Oh, Brandon was throwing carrots at some man. Who by the way, could stand to eat a few.

Spence is still posing as Doug.

Spence: So, last Valentine's Day, I come home, Carrie's got the entire place covered in rose petals. You remember that?
Carrie: Oh, I think I would. I did do it.
Spence: Hmm. You know what the best part was? They were silk petals, because she knows I'm allergic to pollen.
Carrie: Oh yeah, he is. Man, if you can imagine, that head gets even bigger!
Spence: Oh, stop.
Joyce: I have to say, for people married ten years, you seem like newlyweds.
Spence: Oh, this one keeps the marriage fresh. You should see what she does for my Dark Shadows conventions. Does this whole hot vampire chick thing, with like a sequin black bustier, and motorcycle boots. Crimson lipstick.

Joyce's cell phone rings.

Joyce: Excuse me. Joyce Robbins.
Carrie: All right. What's going on with all this vampire talk, and why do you have me in a bustier?!
Spence: I'm sorry. I went to a very private place.
Carrie: Listen! We only have to get through one ballgame as husband and wife, OK?! So just stop talking so much, you freak!
Spence: It's just, this whole thing is crazy.
Carrie: Yeah. Well, you can blame your friend Doug for that, OK? And his disgusting love of mayonnaise! She's coming back.
Joyce: Oh Carrie. Would you mind getting me another martini? I did get a limo for the night, so I might as well take advantage of it.
Carrie: Sure. No problem.
Spence: Mm. And uh, sugar?
Carrie: Yeah, hon?
Spence: Could you get me another Sauvignon Blanc, maybe something from New Zealand?
Carrie: Do you really think you should have another drink?
Spence: Oh, got me through the first ten years.
Joyce: I must say, you're the last person I would ever have imagined was a truck driver.
Spence: Needless to say, I get that a lot.
Joyce: Mm. I mean, you know about wine, you're a Revolutionary War buff. I've always been drawn to a man of varied interests.

Spence is talking to Carrie at the bar.

Spence: Hey, Carr?
Carrie: Hey, uh, listen Spence, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I really appreciate you doing this, and uh, I think she's really liking you.
Spence: Yeah, I think so. She just invited me down to her limo to have a drink.
Carrie: What? She hit on you?! What is she doing hitting on my husband?!
Spence: She said I looked tense, and that it seemed like I was trapped in a loveless marriage.
Carrie: What?! We're like freaking newlyweds!
Spence: Look. We're, we're not actually married.
Carrie: Shut up!
Spence: Yes, dear.
Carrie: Uh, excuse me, Miss Robbins.
Joyce: Oh, Carrie. I wanted to talk to you about something.
Carrie: Yeah, and I wanted to talk to you about a little something, something too.
Joyce: Oh. I have a rather big favor to ask. It involves sending you out of town.
Carrie: Oh, you want to send me out of town, do you?
Joyce: Uh-huh. And it would be right away.
Carrie: And where do you want to send me right away?
Joyce: The Bahamas.
Carrie: Really?
Joyce: Yes. We're opening a five-star resort down there, and I'd love you to be my eyes and ears. You know, check out the spa, the restaurants, the shops. All expenses paid, of course.
Carrie: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Joyce: Oh, Carrie. It would really help me out a lot. I mean, assuming your husband could spare you.
Carrie: What husband? You know what I'm saying?

Arthur's dinner party is underway.

Arthur: And that's why the Dutch both delight and repulse me.
Lou: May I make a toast? To our host, Arthur.
Arthur: Thank you. I have a toast of my own. But I'll save it for when we gentlemen have our cigars and brandy out on the driveway.
Holly: And Arthur, I just want to thank you for having me and my uncle, Bernard, here tonight!
Arthur: Ah, yes. Bernard. Thank you for coming on such short notice. Holly tells me you're, you're retired?
Bernard: Yes, yes. I cut hair for forty-five years.
Arthur: Oh, we're all going to have to hear more about that.
George: When are we going to eat? I got to take my pills.
Arthur: In good time, George.
Holly: Arthur made a lovely roast.
Arthur: And thank you, Roberto, for giving me the five finger discount on the potatoes.
Mrs. Ferrigno: I never knew you could cook, Arthur!
Arthur: Ah, yes. I remember the first thing I ever made. It was a fried bologna sandwich. That was Elvis' favorite snack. I'm not saying he stole the idea from me, but uh, you do the math.
Bernard: Actually, Elvis' favorite snack was a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.
Arthur: I'm sorry, but how would a barber know what Elvis' favorite snack was?
Bernard: I used to cut his hair.
George: You're driving me.
Holly: No. No, no. It's true. He was the hairdresser on the Ed Sullivan Show, for years.
Mrs. Ferrigno: Do you mean you really knew Elvis?
Bernard: Oh, I knew them all! Kate Smith, Alan King, Elizabeth Taylor, oh. She was even more beautiful in person. One time I said to her, 'Liz, if I ever turn straight, watch out.'
Arthur: Anyway! That's all well and good. Back to the way to make a proper fried bologna sandwich.
Lou: Did you know the Beatles too?
Bernard: Oh sure! Sure.
Mrs. Ferrigno: You knew the Beatles?
Holly: Yeah.
Bernard: I got to say my favorite was Ringo. He was a real sweetheart. As a matter of fact, he gave me this uh, this money clip.
Lou: Oh wow.
Roberto: Bonito!

Doug is still being tormented by the little boy.

Deacon: Yeah! What's the matter?
Doug: Now he's making faces at me. You know, if you keep making faces like that, your face is going to stay that way. Yeah, that's right. Trust me. It happened to a cousin of mine.
Sylvia: Um, sir? Would you please stop bothering my son?
Doug: Uh, he is bothering me.
Sylvia: Are you two supposed to be sitting there? I happen to know that those are Dr. Epstein's seats.
Doug: Uh, I think Uncle Eppi is OK with us sitting here, OK?
Sylvia: Oh!
Doug: Heh, heh, heh! It's mine now! Yeah! Oh, what's up, four eyes? Yeah!
Brandon: He took my ball!
Sylvia: Oh, what is wrong with you? He's just a boy!
Crowd: BOOOO!!!

Carrie is talking to Spence in the sky box.

Carrie: Hey, honey. How's the big game going?
Spence: How did it go? Did you tell her off?
Carrie: Uh, not exactly. Um, here's what we're going to do. OK? You're going to go down to her limo with her, and I'm going to go to the Bahamas.
Spence: What?!
Carrie: Yeah. Apparently she likes you so much that she's willing to give me a free vacation just to get rid of me!
Spence: Wait a minute. A second ago, you were so insulted. Now you're going to pimp out your husband, so you can lie in the sun.
Carrie: Yeah.
Spence: So, you really want me to go down and have sex with her?
Carrie: I'm not going to micro manage what you do down there.
Spence: Isn't she a little too old for me?
Carrie: She looks forty-five, tops!

Bernard is playing the piano. Arthur is sitting on the couch depressed that he's not the center of attention.

Bernard: If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere! It's up to you, New York. New York!!
George: Damn, I got goosebumps.
Lou: Where did you learn to play like that?
Bernard: When you're gay, you're born knowing how to play at least three show tunes. I want to wake up, come on, everybody, in the city that doesn't sleep. To find you're king of the hill.

Arthur goes into the kitchen. Holly is helping with the food.

Holly: Arthur, what a great party!
Arthur: If I wasn't a gentleman, I'd punch you square in the mouth.
Holly: What? What did I do?
Arthur: That uncle of yours. You pawn him off as some dullard barber, turns out he's a fascinating homosexual!
Holly: Arthur, everyone is having a wonderful time.
Arthur: Yes, but not because of me.
Holly: Well, does that really matter?
Arthur: Why do you think I got this collection of misfits together?! To hear what they had to say??!
Holly: Listen to me, Arthur. I am not going to let you ruin this dinner party. Someone is playing footsies with me under the table, and if that turns out to be Roberto, I'd kind of like to see that through. So dinner is served!

Everyone is eating dinner.

Bernard: Speaks Spanish... Erik Estrada, Ricardo Montelban, Desi Arnaz! Senior and junior.
Roberto: Wow! Este hombre fantastico! (Your uncle is fantastic!)
Lou: I can't believe you can speak Spanish too.
Bernard: I once had a lover who was a Spaniard.
Holly: There we go.
Arthur: So did I.
Mrs. Ferrigno: Oh, you mean a Spanish woman.
Arthur: No. You think he's the only one here with a fabulous gay past?
Holly: Arthur?!
Arthur: Well, I've had encounters with thousands of men. Black men, Latin men, bodybuilders! Now let me tell you a story about a confused army recruit, a bottle of moonshine, and a stern but loving drill seargant. I was already exhausted from the obstacle course. Little did I know there was one more hurdle I had to clear.

The crowd is throwing food and soda at Doug and Deacon.

Deacon: Oh yeah. We're going to be in the skybox. It's going to be great. This sweater cost me a hundred bucks.
Doug: Serves you right for trying to be somebody you're not.
Deacon: OK, you know what?! That one had some soda in it!! Just give the kid the ball back, man!
Doug: No! All right?! This doesn't bother me! Just enjoying a little baseball. Come on, first and third, let's see a little action!
Deacon: You know what? You're giving the kid the ball!
Doug: Oh, really?
Deacon: Yeah, really!!
Doug: Yeah, and how's that going to happen?!
Deacon: Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Carrie is on the phone.

Carrie: Yes, hello. I am flying down to your island next week, and I was just wondering, is it too early to book a massage? Who's got strong hands?

Joyce and Spence walk into the sky box.

Carrie: I'll call you back. Hey! I was just on the phone with the hotel, and I got to tell you, I like what I'm hearing!
Joyce: Oh, actually about that. You know, I just realized I'm going to be down there in a few weeks anyway, so I'll just check things out myself. But thanks.
Carrie: Did you chicken out?
Spence: No!
Carrie: What happened? I mean, you've only been gone for a minute!
Spence: I've never been in a limo before. It was very exciting, and it was more like two minutes!
Carrie: Exciting, Spence? She's a hundred years old.
Spence: You said she looked forty-five!
Carrie: Yeah. From space!
Spence: I want to die.
Joyce: There, there he is. There's the man who ruined my suit.
Woman: Carr, isn't that your husband?
Carrie: I'm just going to grab my purse and go.

Holly is washing dishes. George comes in.