OPENING CREDITS

Doug is cooking breakfast. Arthur comes upstairs.

Arthur: Scratch just above my left buttock.
Doug: Couple things. Uh, you didn't say please, and I'd rather die.
Arthur: Damn it, this rash is torture, and it's in a spot I just can't reach.
Doug: Hey! Come on, come on, don't use that.
Arthur: I have to. It's the only utensil that feels remotely like human fingers.
Doug: So you tried them all.
Arthur: Various times over the years. Yes.

Carrie comes in the kitchen.

Carrie: OK, sorry to keep bugging you, but what do you think of this outfit for my interview? Do we have a winner?
Doug: It's nice. It's nice, but how about an outfit that shows off a little more boobage?
Carrie: Doug, come on. I want to get this job on my qualifications, and I'll tell you. I have a really good feeling about this one. You know, the head of the Dugan Group legal department called me personally to confirm the interview? He went on and on about my resume, my letters of recommendation, I mean, he practically gave me the job on the phone.
Doug: Yeah, but just to be safe, uhh.
Arthur: Darling, my friend Mickey just gave me the name of his dermatologist in Stanford, Connecticut. Please, take me there immediately.
Carrie: Dad, that couldn't be less possible. I have a job interview in two hours.
Arthur: I understand. Douglas, let's roll.
Doug: I can't. I got the cable guy coming, and if I miss him this time, I got to wait another month.
Arthur: But my haunches are on fire. Does that mean nothing to you?
Carrie: All right, you know what, Dad? Dr. Mandlebaum's office is on the way to the interview, if you're that uncomfortable, I will drop you off and pick you up when I am done, OK?
Arthur: Why? So he can just give me some more of his overpriced ointment? No dice! I want to see Mickey's dermatologist. Mickey swears by him!
Carrie: Mickey has more spots on his face than a cheetah. OK? It's Mandlebaum, or nobody. Now you got five minutes to get dressed.
Arthur: Fine!

Carrie is waiting to be interviewed.

Receptionist: Ms. Heffernan?
Carrie: Yes.
Receptionist: Mr. Hecht is just finishing up a call in the conference room. He'll be ready for you in a few moments.
Carrie: OK. Thank you.

The elevator door opens, and Arthur steps out.

Arthur: I have never been so angry!
Carrie: Shh! Dad, what are you doing here? I told you to wait for me at Mandlebaum's!
Arthur: I couldn't very well wait in the office of a man I'm now suing, could I?
Carrie: What?!
Arthur: That charlatan took one little peek at my rash, and told me to keep using the ointment. I grabbed my file out of his hands, kicked over his cactus, and ran like the Dickens!
Carrie: Shh!
Receptionist: Ms. Heffernan?
Carrie: Yes.
Receptionist: He's ready.
Carrie: Oh, OK, thank you.
Arthur: Young lady, which of your lawyers specializes in dermatology scams?
Carrie: He's kidding, come on. Now you listen to me, you. Until my interview is over, you will sit there, and speak, and make eye contact with no one!
Arthur: But I-
Carrie: NO ONE! Now sit down. Sit! Stay.

Carrie is interviewing with Mr. Hecht.

Mr. Hecht: One of the differences between the way we operate, and what you might have been used to is that since this is a real estate development firm, the lawyers aren't running the show, unfortunately.
Carrie: Right, right.
Mr. Hecht: I mean, we could be going one direction on a project, and then the development guys pull something, and we have to do a 180 overnight.
Carrie: Well, actually, what I consider one of my strengths as an assistant, is I keep my own cross reference files on all the-

Carrie sees Arthur stand up, and she gets nervous about what he might do. She sees Arthur take a piece of a model building that is sitting on a table, and begins scratching his rash with it.

Carrie: Cases my boss is working on, so if things change suddenly, I can uh...
Mr. Hecht: You can what?
Carrie: Uh.
Mr. Hecht: So often you might be called on to assist one of our senior attorneys in city hearings, negotiations, and so forth.
Carrie: Oh, well that's very exciting news because at my old firm there was really never an opportunity to.

Arthur is at the window holding a sign that says 'I'm hungry,' and Carrie motions for him to go away.

Carrie: And I don't have any children, so if I'm required to stay late or go out of town, it doesn't really present a-

Carrie looks out the window, and Arthur is talking to someone who works at the Dugan Group. Suddenly she sees him lift up his shirt to show his rash.

Carrie: A problem. In the sense that I would give my total focus to, just, one second, I'll be right back. Excuse me. What are you doing? I told you not to talk to anybody.
Arthur: He asked me if I was being helped! Damn it, I have a lawsuit to file!
Carrie: Shh! Dad, these are real estate lawyers, OK? They, they don't represent lunatics who want to sue their dermatologists!!
Arthur: They all moonlight. Grow up. Good sir?
Carrie: Give me the file. You have to stop. Knock it off. Just give me the file, Dad!!
Arthur: No!
Carrie: One more sec.

Doug is at home talking to the cable guy.

Doug: It's funny, you know. I mean, ever since it went out I keep walking by and grabbing for that remote, and flicking it on, and that static comes up. I keep doing it over and over again, you know, cause I forget. That's the thing with something like this. You just forget.

Carrie and Arthur come in.

Carrie: I've had it with him, Doug, I've just had it!!
Doug: What happened?
Carrie: I had the job. I could feel it. All I had to do was get through the interview without acting like a mental patient!! Well, guess who took care of that for me?!!
Arthur: Oh please. I didn't come near her precious interview. I was conducting a private conversation, and she interrupted me!
Carrie: He showed a stranger his ass!
Arthur: The top of my ass!
Horace: Should I come back another time?
Doug: No, no, no! This is just playful banter. So what happened with his ass?
Carrie: It doesn't matter!! OK?! The point is, I had a shot at something good in my life, and once again, my father stomped it into dust!!
Arthur: And here come the melodramatics!
Carrie: You know what? Go to hell.
Arthur: Sure. Everything is my fault! Were it not for me, you'd be married to the Prince of Monaco, and living in his castle!
Horace: Maybe I really should leave.
Doug: No, no, no. Look, it's over. It's all over.
Carrie: You know, let me tell you something, Dad!
Doug: Crap.
Carrie: I didn't want to marry the Prince of Monaco! I did want to win that junior spelling bee, you remember that? Huh?
Arthur: Indeed I do.
Carrie: Really?! Cause I would have won that had you not shouted out how to spell the word vestibule while I was thinking of it!!
Arthur: I had to shout. You kept ignoring my hand signals!
Carrie: You know what else I wanted? I wanted to perform in the seventh grade performance of Swan Lake, not be yanked out of the auditorium in my leotard because they didn't want to give you "V.I.P. seating!!"
Arthur: The other swans' parents were in the front row! Should I have ignored that?
Carrie: Yes! Yeah, yeah, you should have ignored that because I know this is a hard concept for you to understand. That night wasn't about you.
Arthur: All this is stupid. It's just ancient history.
Carrie: Oh, oh, OK! You want to talk about today then?! Look, I would have liked to have gotten that secretary job, but you know what I would have liked more?! Not having to grovel for a secretary job at all! But that would have meant me going to college, and I didn't go to college, did I?! No, I became a checker at Wal-bounce! Why? Because somebody said I would be abandoning him!!
Arthur: Your mother had just died! My life was in upheaval!
Carrie: So was mine! News flash! OK?! You were never there for me, Dad. You're never, you never are, you never were. And you know what? When I was sitting there trying to hold that interview together, and I was looking through that glass, do you know what I saw? What I've been seeing my whole life! A lousy father! A selfish, overbearing, lousy father!
Doug: Did I offer you a soda yet?
Cable Guy: I got to go.
Arthur: I don't know what to say.
Carrie: Nothing you can say, nothing you can do. Unless you can go back in time and fix everything.

Arthur leaves the house, and the phone rings.

Carrie: Hello. Oh, uh-huh. OK. Thank you. I have the job.
Doug: Yay...

Carrie is in the kitchen. Doug comes in.

Carrie: Hey, any sign of my dad?
Doug: No. I thought I saw him in the park, but it turned out to be just a weird shaped kid.
Carrie: Ugh. Why couldn't that stupid phone call have come five minutes earlier, then I, I never would have gone off on him like that! How bad was it?
Doug: It wasn't that bad. It really, it really wasn't.
Carrie: Doug, don't lie to me. How bad was it?
Doug: It was the worst thing I ever saw. And I once saw a guy chase his glass eye down the subway stairs.
Carrie: Ugh. This is awful!
Doug: Look, it's going to be all right.
Carrie: No, it's not going to be all right, Doug! I mean, there are things in life you just don't say out loud! And I said them! I called the man a lousy father. I did say that, right?
Doug: Twice. Second time, you kind of spit on him.

There is a knock on the door, and Holly comes in.

Holly: Hi.
Carrie: Hey, what's up?
Holly: Your dad's at my place.
Carrie: Oh, OK. How is he?
Holly: Well, he seems pretty upset. He said he's not coming home until he figures out a way to go back in time? Which has me a little worried because I'm having people over tonight.
Carrie: Don't worry. I'll take care of it. Go talk to him, honey.
Doug: Me?
Carrie: Yeah, please? I wouldn't even know what to say to him right now.
Doug: Just tell him you got the job, and everything will be fine!
Carrie: Doug, I don't think the job news will offset the I hate you news.
Doug: I got nothing to say to him.
Holly: Yeah, but someone's going to talk to him, right? Cause I have a lot of Jell-O shots to make.
Doug: Fine. All right, fine. I will do it.
Carrie: Good. Thank you, honey. I love you. All right, I'm going to go take a walk and clear my head.
Doug: OK. I have no TV, and I'm about to beg Arthur to come back home. You know what? You better drive. I might take us off a bridge.

Arthur has made himself at home in Holly's apartment.

Holly: Hey, Arthur. I'm back. I brought Doug.
Doug: Howdy.
Holly: So, this is my place.
Doug: Wow. Very nice. Very, very nice. Good view of the expressway. Great view, actually.
Holly: Yeah, and after a while, the traffic noise starts to sound like the ocean.
Doug: Wow, another plus right there. So, Arthur. How's it going? How's uh, how's your rash?
Arthur: Much better. Turns out, Mandlebaum's ointment works after all.
Doug: Good. That, that's good.
Arthur: Oh, if there were only some sort of ointment for failing as a parent.
Doug: I don't know if you failed as a parent, you, you got, like a C minus, maybe. Which in my house, is good enough to earn you a trip to Carvell. Anyway, you know what? I think you should come home, sit down with Carrie, you talk this out.
Arthur: No, Douglas. Talking won't fix what I've done to her! The lost friends, the broken dreams, that job today. You heard her. I can't fix it unless I go back in time! And unless you're incredibly wealthy, that's impossible.
Doug: I know. But you got to come home!
Arthur: I will not come home again!! This is my home now!!
Holly: Oh, no, no, no. He cannot live here. I already am not supposed to have the cat.
Doug: All right. I think I got an idea. OK. Hey, Arthur. You know what? I think I may have figured a way you can go back in time and actually fix what happened today.
Arthur: How?
Doug: Just call the guy down at The Dugan Group, and apologize for messing up Carrie's interview, and you know what? Maybe he'll change his mind and hire her after all.
Arthur: You really think that will work?
Doug: You never know unless you try. OK? We'll give you some privacy. OK?
Arthur: What's this man's name again?
Doug: Uh, it's uh, Lance. Uh, Bossington.
Arthur: Got it! Yes. May I speak with Lance Bossington, please?
Holly: Mr. Bossington? Please hold the line, sir.
Doug: Bossington here. Yes, I do remember you, Mr. Spooner. As I recall, you and your daughter made quite a ruckus here. Mm-hmm.
Arthur: So what happened today was entirely my fault, sir. I truly wish you would reconsider your decision. You will?!
Doug: Of course I will! You're a very persuasive man, Mr. Spooner. Why, it's almost as if you've gone back in time and made things right! Remarkable!
Man in Hallway: Shut your trap out here!!
Doug: Uh, look, I've got to run into a big real estate meeting now. I'm trading in four houses for a hotel. Goodbye.
Holly: Nice.
Doug: Any luck?
Arthur: It worked!
Doug: Wow! Carrie's going to be happy to hear that, huh? Good job, Artie!
Arthur: It is actually possible to fix the past.
Doug: You proved that. Didn't he?
Holly: Mm-hmm. Here's your jacket!
Arthur: Oh no. I can't go home yet. I've got many more calls to make, many more wrongs to right.
Doug: Arthur, you got Carrie the job, that's enough!
Arthur: Not enough. I won't leave until I've fixed everything. Because now I know I can!

Doug and Holly are at Doug and Carrie's house, devising a plan to help Arthur feel like he can fix Carrie's past.

Doug: OK, now each of the numbers we gave to Arthur corresponds to one of these cell phones. Like, when this one rings, for example, Arthur's going to think he's calling the woman who was Carrie's elementary school principal, but in fact, it will actually be you. OK, now like, when this one rings here, he thinks he's going to be calling Carrie's high school boyfriend. That'll be me, and so on.
Holly: So, I'll be all the women and you'll be all the men?
Doug: I think that's best.

One of the cell phones rings.

Doug: Ooh. You're up. Make me proud, Ms. Hanratty.
Holly: So what you're saying is that Carrie actually knew how to spell vestibule.
Arthur: Yes! She spelled it for me on a regular basis. If I hadn't shouted it out, she would have won for sure!
Holly: Well, in that case, I should go back into the records and make her the winner, shouldn't I?
Arthur: That would be marvelous!
Doug: Of course I forgive you! In fact, the next time we do the seventh grade production of Swan Lake, I know who our special guest ballerina's going to be! Carrie Spooner! Sure, Mr. S. I accept your apology. Carrie is once again my favorite girlfriend from high school.
Arthur: You're quite a prince, Peter. You've actually made me feel foolish for cutting short your romance with my daughter.
Doug: Well, I'm sure she did pretty well for herself.
Arthur: Oh yeah. She's married to a very nice fella. Though frankly, he is a bit of a simpleton. And I get the distinct impression that in the bedroom, he's skiddish, clumsy, and tentative. Top that off with his atrocious health habits, and it's quite a mess over here! Hang in there, Peter, you may just get another chance!
Holly: How did that go?
Doug: It was good. It's fine, it's fine.
Holly: All right, Mr. Spooners. I appreciate you coming clean on that eleventh item. Carrie's welcome back in my express line whenevers.
Doug: A little racist, but did the trick. OK, we got one more here. Uh, let's see. OK, uh, Martin Siznick.
Holly: Um, hey listen. Since the last one is a man, do you mind if I take off and get ready for my party?
Doug: Uh, no. You know what? You go ahead. I'll handle the call, then I'll come pick up Arthur.
Holly: Great. Great. I'll leave him on the stoop!

The last cell phone rings.

Doug: Hello?
Arthur: Yes, sir. I'm trying to reach a Marilyn Siznick.
Doug: Marilyn? Oh my God, it does say Marilyn. Yes, my sister Marilyn just got out of the shower, please hold a second. Hey, look, I need your help, all right? It's your father.
Carrie: Oh good. OK. Um, tell him to go to hell.
Doug: What?
Carrie: Yeah, I was out walking, and it just hit me. He did it again! He screwed up, and now I'm the one feeling guilty?! Well, enough. I don't give a crap if he comes back or not.
Doug: Uh, could you just hold on one more second, please?
Carrie: Why are you talking like that?
Doug: All right, look. Here's the deal, OK? He refuses to come back home here, until he can undo all the bad stuff he did to you. So what he's doing is he's calling all the people he offended to apologize. Or, at least he thinks he is. He's actually talking to me and Holly pretending to be them.
Carrie: What?
Doug: Look. This is the last call, and it's been working. Just pretend to be Marilyn Siznick, accept his apology, and this will all be over!
Carrie: No, Doug. I don't want to talk to him!
Doug: Uh. One more second. She's just slipping into her robe.
Carrie: No!
Doug: Just do it! Just do it! Disguise your voice!
Carrie: Hello?
Arthur: Is this Marilyn Siznick?
Carrie: Uh-huh.
Arthur: It's Arthur Spooner calling. Years ago, my daughter was in your Brownie Troop. That is, until I angrily accused you of favoring the Polish children in the assignment of merit badges. Do you recall?
Carrie: Mm-hmm.
Arthur: Anyway, I'm calling to apologize and ask if you'd be kind enough to send along any patches or certificates she may have lost on my account.
Carrie: Oh, yes. Well, that's fine. Yes.
Arthur: Oh, thank you so much. I know this must seem strange to you given that Carrie's a grown woman now, but in my heart, she'll always be my little baby. Why, I can still remember when she was not even a year old, and came down with a terrible case of the flu. The only thing that eased her coughing fits was when I walked with her in my arms in the cold night air. I must have walked ten miles with her every night for a week.
Carrie: Wow.
Arthur: I would have walked a thousand miles if I had to. It's ironic. I tried so hard to protect that beautiful child. Today I find out that it was me who hurt her most of all. It rips my heart out. The worst part is, I don't know if she'll ever forgive me.
Carrie: She will.
Arthur: You're very kind to say that, Marilyn. And if I'm remembering correctly, you're also quite well endowed upstairs. Can I buy you dinner?
Carrie: No.
Arthur: Oh, come on. Don't be coy. The way you'd undo a button on your troop leader's vest when I came in. You don't think I noticed that?
Carrie: Get over yourself.
Arthur: Tease.

Carrie is sitting in the living room. Doug comes in from the kitchen.