OPENING CREDITS

Doug and Carrie are in their bedroom when the phone rings.

Carrie: Hello? Oh, hey Janet. Yeah, we got our tickets. Yeah, we can't wait to see you either. Uh, OK. It's your mom. She wants to know if we still like Corn Chex.
Doug: Uh, yeah.
Carrie: Yeah, that's a green light on the Corn Chex. OK, bye bye, hon. OK, that's the fourteenth call about our trip.
Doug: You know my mom. She just wants it to be great for us down there.
Carrie: No, I know. I love your mom. I just wish she didn't have to work so hard when we come there. Hey, maybe this time we can take the burden off her and stay in a hotel, or something.
Doug: A hotel. Interesting.
Carrie: Isn't it?
Doug: Yeah, you know what else we could do? We could smack her in the face with a shovel.
Carrie: Would you just think of it for a moment? I mean, we'd see your parents just as much during the day. Get in all that family goodness, and then at night, we'd stay in a hotel. We'd have a little privacy, you know? Without all their stuff, that makes us a little crazy.
Doug: Uh, what, what stuff?
Carrie: Doug, come on. Like, like the fact that we can't leave the house after 8:00 because they, they set the alarm, and it's too complicated to teach us a four-digit code.
Doug: Followed by pound.
Carrie: And once that red light is on, we are stuck there. Do you know in prison, they call that lock-down?
Doug: So now staying at my parents is like prison?
Carrie: No, because in prison you can actually flush the toilet past 8:30.
Doug: They're light sleepers, OK? And by the way, I'm not quite sure prison is quite the paradise you think it is.
Carrie: All right, take your mother's feelings out of this for a second. This is about you. You're saying you would actually rather stay in your parents' retirement complex than in a beautiful room stocked with liquor and dirty movies?
Doug: NO! But we can't stay in a hotel, OK? We just can't!
Carrie: Look, Doug. OK, look, your mom will be upset for a minute, OK? But then she'll get over it. And we're adults here, we're in our 30's, we're allowed to do this. It's like that time you finally realized you can have cookies before dinner.
Doug: You told me I couldn't have cookies before dinner.
Carrie: You can't, OK? I'm just saying your parents aren't the ones who are stopping you.
Doug: OK, you know what? My head is spinning. If I go get a cookie right now, what's going to happen to me?
Carrie: Doug. Please honey. Let's just do this this one time, OK? We set the precedent, we never have to have this conversation again. I will dial the number for you, OK? The thing is, you don't even have to touch the buttons, please, come on, honey, come on. I'm calling.
Doug: All right, all right, let's do it. God.
Carrie: She'll be fine. I promise.
Doug: Hey Mom. Look, uh, Carrie and I were talking, and we need to tell you something. We've kind of turned against the Corn Chex.

Carrie and Doug are having dinner with Deacon and Kelly at Cooper's.

Carrie: When are you guys going on vacation?
Kelly: Next week. He's driving me up to some lodge in Vermont.
Deacon: Yeah. It's going to be great. Fun for us, and fun for them to see what black people are like.
Carrie: Um, Doug. Come with me to the salad bar.
Doug: What?
Carrie: Come with me to the salad bar.
Doug: Uh...
Carrie: They have a taco section.
Doug: Really?
Carrie: Mm-hmm.
Doug: OK. Where, where's the taco section?
Carrie: Listen, I lied, OK?
Doug: You lied? I'm a person.
Carrie: Doug. Listen to me. Deacon and Kelly are going on vacation the same time as us.
Doug: So?
Carrie: So, if we talk them into going to Florida with us instead, we can't stay at your parents' house. They don't have the room for us. We have to stay at a hotel. You see, that way, your parents are not offended, and we set our precedent, and everybody's happy. Oh my God, they're looking, get some salad, get some salad.
Doug: OK, but Deacon and Kelly aren't going to change their vacation just so we don't have to stay with my parents.
Carrie: I know. We don't tell them that part. We just say, you know, we haven't all gone away together since you guys got back together, how it's all about the foursome, blah, blah, blah. Kelly doesn't want to go to Vermont anyway, she'll be all over this.
Doug: This could work.
Carrie: What are you doing?
Doug: I don't know. I panicked. I went all baby corn.
Carrie: All right. Put some dressing on it. Put some dressing on it.
Doug: OK. All right, let's do this. But don't sit too close to me cause I'm going to accidentally knock this on the floor.
Carrie: OK. Come on. So, look at us. All four of us together. It's great.
Doug: This is great. I wonder what else we could do.

The four friends are at the Miami International Airport.

Carrie: See, I told you this would work out. I guess your mother didn't take us staying at the hotel too hard, huh? I said, huh? Oh my God!
Doug: I tried to tell her, I couldn't.
Janet: There they are! Hi kids!
Doug: Hey. Hi Dad. Nice to see you.
Janet: You kids look great. Don't they look great, Joe?
Joe: Why aren't you standing under the chute where the bags come out?
Doug: What?
Joe: Now we'll be stuck at the other end of the carousel, in Siberia. Get comfortable people, we're going to be here all day.
Janet: We're not going to be here all day.
Joe: No, we're not, because I'm going to shimmy my way under the chute. Doug, you see one of those sitting around, grab it. I'm not coughing up two bucks for a glorified shopping cart.
Janet: You kids must be tired. We'll go home, we'll have lunch, and then you can take a nice nap. Oh, by the way. Good news. Costco is willing to swap the Corn Chex for the Rice Chex, even Stevens.
Carrie: Whoo! Rice is the verdict. Yeah!
Janet: Isn't that your friend Deacon?
Doug: Who? Which one?
Janet: Right there. Next to Kelly.
Doug: I don't know what you're saying.
Carrie: Um, here's the thing. Yeah, we, we, we all decided to go on vacation together. We know you don't have the room for all four of us, so we're just going to stay at a hotel, no big whoop.
Janet: Oh.
Doug: You look so pretty.

Doug and Carrie check into their hotel room.

Doug: Well, that was the worst car ride ever.
Carrie: I don't think your mother took it that bad.
Doug: She refused to put on her seatbelt. She said, what's the point.
Carrie: OK, she was a little rattled, but she'll get over it, OK? Honey, come on. Please. Just remember why we're doing this. I mean, look around. We are in a hotel room in Florida. OK? I mean, look at this, look. We got a TV that swivels, with some painting of some mystical dolphins, and when we get bored of looking at that, we can go downstairs and have a little drink at Captain Toby's.
Doug: Actually, I saw that they let you throw your peanut shells on the ground. I always wanted to try that.
Carrie: You see? Now you're thinking, honey. OK. So what do you want to do first? Anything. Just name it.
Doug: Anything?
Carrie: Anything.
Doug: Will you watch a movie starring The Rock with me?
Carrie: I would love to.

There is a knock on Doug and Carrie's room door.

Carrie: Hey!
Deacon: Hello.
Doug: Hey.
Deacon: Nice hotel you picked. The air conditioning in our room, not working.
Carrie: Oh, well maybe you should call downstairs.
Deacon: And get another room? Yeah, already tried that. They're all booked. You know where you don't need air conditioning? Vermont.
Doug: I'm sure sometimes you need air conditioning in Vermont.
Carrie: I think you do. I think he's just exaggerating. All right, honey, come on. You pick a little snack from the mini bar, and let's watch The Rock be a neurosurgeon who saves the president.
DJ: Spring Break 2004 is on!!! All right, here's how this works, people! I call your school, you pound the beer, and scream like hell! Are we ready?! I can't hear you!!!
Spring Breakers: WHOOOOO!!!
Doug: He's crazy. How can he not hear that?
Carrie: I'll just turn it up a little bit.
DJ: Michigan State!!! University of Maryland!!!
Doug: Hey, well, there's $9.95 I'll never see again.

There is a knock on the door.

Doug: Yeah?
Deacon: You know where kids don't go for spring break? Vermont.
Carrie: Honey, come on. It's not that bad. Look at it this way, we have our own disco in the room. Huh, come on! Shake that thing, baby. Do it for me. For me. You know I love it. You know I love it. Come on. Give me a little of that. Give me a little of that. Shake it. Shake that thing.
Doug: I don't really want to do this. You know what? I want to relax.
Carrie: You want to relax? OK, how about this? How about this? We freshen up a little bit, we go downstairs, we kick one back with Captain Toby. Come on, let's freshen up, come on.

Doug goes into the bathroom. He runs out, and quickly slams the door.

Carrie: What happened?
Doug: There's a bat in there.
Carrie: What?
Doug: There is a bat in the bathroom.
Carrie: No!
Doug: I'm sorry. Did you say no?
Carrie: How can there be a bat in the bathroom? It's probably just a moth or something. OK, um. There's a bat in the bathroom. And he's a big one. Let's not panic. I will just call downstairs, and we will just get this taken care of right away. Yeah, hi, um, we have a bat in our bathroom. No, I'm sure you get a lot of prank phone calls from the spring breakers, but I'm serious, we really- Oki doke.
Doug: What's that?
Carrie: He told me to have another Heineken, and then he hung up on me.
Doug: That's ridiculous. I'm going in there myself.
Carrie: What are you going to do with the hair spray?
Doug: I'm going to spray him. OK? Maybe it'll kill him. Maybe it'll just freeze his wings out, like that.
Carrie: Wait, wait, wait. Take these. Wear these for protection.
Doug: Now the bat's going to think I'm Elton John.
Carrie: Just wear them, please! Did you get him?
Doug: I got him angry!

The loud music starts again outside Doug and Carrie's room.

Doug: Can somebody please shake that thing and get it over with?!!

The four friends are eating at Doug's parents' house.

Janet: So, how are things at your hotel?
Deacon: There was a goat swimming in the pool this morning.
Carrie: Doug's really enjoying that mini bar, aren't you, honey? What did you end up settling on? M&M's?
Joe: What are you doing eating from the mini bar? You can buy M&M's at Walgreen's for a third of the price!
Janet: I think I have some chocolate chips in the kitchen. I could put them in a baggie for you.
Carrie: Oh, that's OK. Thank you.
Janet: All right. You know, Kelly darling, if you're tired, you can take a nap in the guest room. Somebody might as well use it.
Kelly: Your parents have a guest room? What are you doing at the hotel? Save yourselves.
Deacon: Hell no! If we have to suffer, they have to suffer too.
Carrie: Don't worry. We're not staying here.
Kelly: All right, whatever. Deac, here, help me clear.
Doug: You know what? Maybe we should move out of the hotel and stay here.
Carrie: No. I don't want to.
Doug: Well, I kind of do.
Carrie: Uh, Doug. Let's remember why we're doing this. OK? We are setting a precedent to stay in a hotel. No one said it was going to be easy.
Doug: You did. You said as long as we got Deacon and Kelly to come down with us, we'd be home free.
Deacon: What I just heard did not make me happy.
Carrie: Cause you're taking it completely out of context.
Kelly: You invited us down here just so you wouldn't have to spend time with your in-laws?
Carrie: No, we invited you here because we are a foursome.
Deacon: Yeah, yeah, see that's funny. Cause what I heard was that I'm not skiing down a mountain of freshly packed snow with the wind in my face because you wanted to set a precedent.
Carrie: And because we're a foursome! Why does nobody remember this?!
Janet: Kids, should I make something for lunch, or have you made other arrangements for that too?
Deacon: You know what, Mrs. Heffernan? If that guest room is still available, we'd love to use it tonight.
Janet: That would be wonderful! You've made me very, very happy.

Carrie and Doug have gone back to their hotel room.

Carrie: Well, brunch was nice. Now, you ready for a little dessert? Cause I'm going to get on you like hot fudge.
Doug: What is wrong with you, OK? There is a bat in our bathroom!
Carrie: And there's going to be some loving in the bedroom.
Doug: Stop it, OK?! Have you noticed anything that's gone on here?! I mean, my mother hates us, our best friends hate us. This trip has turned evil. OK? And for what? What's it all for?!
Carrie: For the precedent.
Doug: Would you stop with that precedent? I'm not even entirely sure what it means.
Carrie: It means sweet freedom!
Doug: Oh my God, are you telling me you can't spend three days with my parents? Let me fill you in on something. I live every second of my life with an old man who gets cereal by digging his ape like hands right into the box!
Carrie: All right, you don't need to bring my father into this, OK?
Doug: Oh, don't I? This is a man who canceled our cable because they wouldn't pay him every time they ran the movie Arthur!
Carrie: Come on, he's not that bad, Doug. I mean...
Doug: No. No. You know what? That's it.
Carrie: What are you doing?
Doug: I'm packing. We're staying at my parents' house, like we should have in the first place.
Carrie: No, Doug. We can't! Deacon and Kelly are staying in their guest bedroom anyway!
Doug: That's all right. You know what? We'll sleep on the floor. Or, we'll sleep in the bed with my parents. God, my mother would love that.

Everyone is getting ready for bed at the Heffernan house.

Janet: So you got your water, and here are some extra pillows. And I put some tangerines in your room. Now they told me at the market that they were seedless, so if they're not, I want to know about it.
Deacon: Everything is great. Thank you.
Kelly: We'll see you in the morning.
Janet: Good night. How are you two doing?
Doug: Great.
Janet: I am so happy you are here. I love you both.

Janet sets the house alarm.

Alarm: System armed.
Janet: Remember. Don't open any doors or windows.
Doug: Oki doke.
Carrie: It's still a little light out.
Doug: It's bedtime. What are you doing?
Carrie: I have to pee.
Doug: Remember, don't flush.
Carrie: Oh, come on.
Doug: Carrie. It's almost 9:15. Just pee in the tub.
Carrie: I am not going to pee in the tub, OK?
Doug: I begged you to go after dinner.
Carrie: I didn't have to go then.
Doug: Well, then, you know what? You lost your chance!
Carrie: Fine. I'll hold it. Oh, I can't hold it. I got to go. Got to go. Got to go.
Doug: Wait a second. Look. The rec center down the hall is open till 10:00, all right? They got a beautiful bathroom.
Carrie: What? Doug. We can't open the door. The freaking alarm is on.
Doug: I may know the code.
Carrie: What?
Doug: I heard my parents talking, and I'm pretty sure it's my birthday.
Carrie: Well, what are you waiting for? Let's go. Open the door.
Doug: All right, but you go out, you do your business, you come back, no one has to know.
Carrie: Fine!
Doug: My birthday is February 9, 1965.
Carrie: What are you doing?
Doug: I'm loosening up my fingers.
Carrie: All right, come on.
Doug: That's a two, wait a second, that is my birthday, right?
Carrie: Doug, you don't know your birthday?
Doug: I blanked out. Excuse me.
Carrie: OK, come on.
Doug: Two, nine, six, five, pound.
Alarm: System disarmed.
Carrie: Huh! Hon, I love you.
Doug: OK, I love you too. Pee like the wind. Oh my God! What's going on? I did it right!
Janet: Is everybody OK?!
Doug: What happened?!
Janet: I saw the alarm switch off. I hit the panic button. There's somebody in here.
Doug: Ma. There's nobody in here, all right? I punched in the code.
Janet: Why would you do that?!
Joe: Oh great. Now I got to pay $25.
Milo: Everyone all right in here? Should I call the real cops?
Doug: No. Everything is fine. OK? It was an accident.
Janet: Why would you fiddle with the alarm? You know it's very complicated!
Deacon: You know where they don't fiddle with the alarm?
Milo: All right people. It's after nine. Back to bed, let's go.
Carrie: I just wanted to stay in a hotel.

Deacon has gone back to his hotel room.