Arthur: Douglas, I'm mailing some pictures to my cousin. Do you think this needs one stamp or two?
Doug: I don't know, two?
Arthur: What? This seems well within the one ounce limit.
Doug: Well, then why did you ask me?
Arthur: Well, I wanted an expert opinion, but no, you had to tow the company line. You delivery people got your foot on our throats and you won't step off!
Doug: Just trying to eat my lunch here.
Arthur: Would you forget about food for just one second?
Doug: OK, that's what my sandwich was missing. A finger with a loose Band-Aid.
Arthur: Damn it, these are Oktoberfest pictures! They have to get to my cousin before June 1st!
Doug: So then put two stamps on it! Put ten on! What do you care?! It's not like you're paying for them!
Arthur: How dare you!

Arthur throws Doug's sandwich on the floor. Doug crumples up Arthur's envelope. Carrie comes in the kitchen door.

Carrie: Hey, guys!
Arthur: Yeah? Well, how about this, huh?!

OPENING CREDITS

Doug and Carrie are sleeping. There is a loud crash. Carrie wakes up.

Carrie: Doug? What happened?
Doug: The bed broke.
Carrie: Really? You sure?
Doug: Well, let's work backwards. Do I normally sleep with my head in the closet?!
Carrie: All right, come on, honey. Let's check out the damage here. Oh my God, look at this. The mattress is ripped and the frame totally caved in.
Doug: Bed's not even that old. How do you think this happened? Eyes off me.

Carrie goes downstairs to do laundry. Arthur is standing on a chair putting up a picture.

Carrie: Are you trying to break your hip, or...
Arthur: No, just thought I'd spruce up the sunless dungeon where fate has dropped me.
Carrie: All right?
Arthur: Which picture do you think would look better here? A Shar Pei puppy or a photo of Elvis Presley shaking hands with Richard Nixon?
Carrie: Uh, it's your call, Dad. Anything's an improvement over that mounted rabbit.

Arthur starts putting a nail in the wall, and finds out the wall is actually fake wood laminate. He pulls it off, and reveals a window.

Arthur: Well, hello world!

Carrie and Doug are at the Queens Center trying to find a new bed.

Henry: Now let me show you something. Ma'am, lie down.
Carrie: Oh, OK.
Henry: And sir? Shoes off, up-up, start jumping.
Doug: You do work here, right?
Henry: Come on. Up, up, up.
Doug: OK. All right.
Henry: It's called independent coil suspension. Invented by the Danish. That's why he's jumping, and you're feeling nothing, right?
Carrie: Um, does fear count as something?
Doug: I'm done.
Henry: So what do you think?
Carrie: It's actually pretty great. How much is it?
Henry: $1,200.
Doug: Whoa. You have anything cheaper? You have anything that had to be marked down? Any beds that people got murdered on?
Henry: Well, this one is under $1,000, it's the same as that one, just without all the Danish crap.
Carrie: Mm. Kind of like that one.
Henry: For what it's worth, I just sold that bed to Derek Jeter.
Carrie: Ooh! Let's get it.
Doug: OK, you do realize Derek Jeter won't be in the bed with you.
Carrie: Look, come on Doug, I really liked it, and I feel like I can really get a good night's sleep on this.
Doug: All right, we'll take it.
Henry: Great. We're out of stock on this one right now, I'll have to order it, but it shouldn't take long. Let me get the forms.
Carrie: Where are we going to sleep until then?
Doug: Should we see what Jeter's doing with his old bed?

Holly is at Doug and Carrie's picking up Arthur.

Holly: Arthur! Walk time!
Arthur: Come down here!
Holly: Can't you just come up?! I've got two other dogs in the car! I've got two dogs in the car!
Arthur: Just come down and prepare to be delighted! Close your eyes.
Holly: Why? OW!
Arthur: Mind the nail there. Now, before you open them up, what has this basement always been missing?
Holly: A dustpan?
Arthur: No.
Holly: Fly strip?
Arthur: No.
Holly: Can't you just tell me?
Arthur: A window! Look! It's facing north, so I don't get any direct light, but at least now I can tell whether it's day or night!
Holly: Well, that is a step forward for you, Arthur! Now can we get going?
Arthur: Nonsense! We have a beautiful sun room here. It's the perfect place to relax and watch the world go by.
Holly: I've got two dogs up in the car.
Arthur: Would you forget about your precious career for one second? Come on! Watch the world go by! Do it!
Holly: Fine.
Lou's Voice: Hey, what brings you over to this side of the street?
Holly: Who's that?
Arthur: Oh. That's our neighbor, Lou Ferrigno.
Ellen: Oh, I'm watching Mrs. Nesbitt's house while she visits her mother.
Lou: Right. She's not visiting her mother. I heard she's heading into rehab. Poor thing.
Ellen: Aw. How's her husband taking it?
Lou: I don't think it's bothering him that much. He's sleeping with his secretary.
Arthur: No wonder Nesbitt's always coming home with that stupid look on his face! This is incredible! Isn't it, Holly? Holly?

Doug and Carrie are getting ready for bed.

Doug: Ah, well this worked out pretty well, huh? Deacon was getting rid of his kids' beds, and we need somewhere to sleep. It's like fate. If fate were, you know, kind of boring.
Carrie: All right, let's do it.
Doug: All right. We are back in business.
Carrie: Ooh. Doug?
Doug: Whoa. OK. We're on casters here, so you just got to pull.
Carrie: OK.
Doug: There you go.
Carrie: I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry. What did I land on?
Doug: Boys in the hood.
Carrie: This is ridiculous. Let's just keep the beds apart for tonight, and we'll figure something else out for tomorrow, OK? Doug, are you crying?
Doug: A little.

Arthur is eavesdropping on Lou gossiping. Arthur's friend Mickey is hanging out with him.

Lou: What I want to know is, if she got rid of the gardener, why is he spending so much time inside Mrs. Maynard's house?
Arthur: This guy's got the goods on everybody in the neighborhood. Did you know Mrs. Maynard was ca-noodling with the gardener?
Mickey: I thought we were going to play dominoes.
Arthur: Sorry Mickey, but this stuff is just too juicy to pass up! Ferrigno's gossip has cast a spell over me.
Mickey: I'm leaving.
Arthur: Do me a favor. Go out the back door. I don't want that maniac thinking we're a couple.

Carrie is in the bedroom reading. Doug comes upstairs with a rope.

Doug: Hey. I found this in the garage. We can use it to tie the beds together, and with the extra, if I happen to find myself alone with the angry headmistress...
Carrie: Yeah, that, that sounds great. Um, about the beds.
Doug: Yeah?
Carrie: Just tossing out ideas here. Um, I was just thinking maybe, while we have them, maybe we could just keep the beds apart.
Doug: Hm?
Carrie: Yeah. I mean, I really, I had a great night's sleep last night, I sailed through the day at work, so I was just thinking, you know.
Doug: But we're married. Aren't married people supposed to...
Carrie: Yes! Yes! Of course, and we will sleep together again once we get our new bed. But I was just thinking this might be a little fun, you know? Come on! You have your own bed. You can do whatever you want. Watch TV. Clip your toenails. Fire up the Hibachi.
Doug: Could I uh, sham-blam-blam?
Carrie: Ain't my bed, ain't my business.
Doug: Huh!
Carrie: And if you want some company for a change of pace, you can just come over to my place, or I can go over to your place, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, then it's just back to our own beds. You don't even have to phone in the cuddling!
Doug: I'm falling in love with you all over again.
Carrie: So it's a deal then, right?
Doug: It's a deal.
Carrie: OK!
Doug: Good night.
Carrie: Good night!
Doug: Hey. You want to get a little busy right now?
Carrie: Bring it, butch.
Doug: This is great. I feel like it's lights out at the orphanage, and you're the new girl.

Doug and Carrie are at the movie theater.

Doug: So what are we seeing again?
Carrie: The Pianist.
Doug: The Pianist? It couldn't sound longer.
Carrie: It's supposed to be really good, and I just read that it got the Palm Dior at Cannes.
Doug: And you know what else it gets? The Palm De Mouth in Queens. Pfft. Look. Can't we just see Silver Squad?
Carrie: Didn't you already see it?
Doug: Yes, and it was hilarious! Carrie, they're moon police!
Carrie: All right. Come on, let's make a decision. We're next.
Doug: Crazy thought.
Carrie: What?
Doug: I was thinking, you know, since the separate beds thing is working out so well, maybe we could just uh...
Carrie: Interesting. I mean, it's just sitting in the dark, right?
Doug: Yeah, and let's face it. I'm not going to put my arm around you. That fell out around '97!
Carrie: All right! Well, I'll see you in two hours.
Doug: You got it.
Carrie: OK.

Doug and Carrie are sitting in their beds watching TV.

Carrie: How are you doing, baby?
Doug: Great. What you got going on?
Carrie: Ah! Just reading my magazine. There's a whole article in here about San Francisco. Any interest in taking our next vacation there?
Doug: Mm. I was thinking more Canton, Ohio. Football Hall of Fame.
Carrie: Hmm. Maybe we could just...
Doug: For vacation?
Carrie: Why not?
Doug: Oh my God. This works for anything.

The phone rings.

Carrie: Let the machine get it.
Machine: Hey, you've reached the Heffernans. Leave a message.
Henry: Hey, this is Henry from the Bed Store. Good news. Your bed came in early. Just call us with your credit card info and we can have it there tomorrow.
Carrie: Guess our bed's in.
Doug: Yeah.
Carrie: We should probably call him back.
Doug: Yeah. I don't want this to end, Carrie.
Carrie: Neither do I!
Doug: So, what do we do?
Carrie: All right, let's just think this through. So we're sleeping in separate beds. Does that necessarily mean that there's something wrong with our relationship?
Doug: I don't think so!
Carrie: I mean, we're still having sex.
Doug: A little bit.
Carrie: That one time anyway.
Doug: Hey! We were no record breakers before!
Carrie: Thank you! I mean, now that I have my own space, I mean, I'm more rested, I'm more relaxed! I mean, even the way we say good night now!
Doug: I was just going to say that! I love the way we say good night!
Carrie: Yeah!
Doug: It's so classy and respectful! It's like we're British, but in a good way.
Carrie: Yeah. So it sounds like we're doing OK, here then, right?
Doug: Sure! Look. We're a very happy couple that just happens to sleep in separate beds! That's not weird!
Carrie: Yeah! Two people who sleep in the same bed. Now that's weird. That's disgusting.
Doug: We're, we're trailblazers! We do the things together that we enjoy doing together, and if that doesn't include eating, sleeping, or recreation, so be it!

Arthur is sitting in the living room reading the newspaper. There is a knock on the door.

Lou: Hey Arthur.
Arthur: Louis.
Lou: How you doing?
Arthur: I'm fine. I live a very normal life!
Lou: You think I could use uh, Carrie's fax machine?
Arthur: Go right ahead. It's upstairs.
Lou: Thanks. Oh. I'm having a barbecue tomorrow. You could bring your friend Mickey if you want.
Arthur: We are domino partners and nothing more!!
Lou: What?
Arthur: I believe you have a fax to send.

Lou walks by Doug and Carrie's bedroom on his way to Carrie's office.

Lou: Oh my God.

Doug and Carrie come out of their house and notice Lou's barbecue.

Doug: Oh yeah. Lou's barbecue is tonight.
Carrie: Let's not get sucked in. We have things to do.
Doug: OK.
Lou: Hey guys!
Doug: Hey Lou!
Carrie: Hey, what are you grilling up? Some power bars?
Lou: No. Chicken. You want some?
Doug: No. No, no, no. Actually we're going out to eat. I mean, I'm going to eat, she's going to catch a movie.
Lou: Oh boy.
Megan: It's none of my business, but Dustin and I went through this a few years ago. If you ever need to talk, call me.
Carrie: Talk about what?
Megan: Your sleeping arrangements.
Carrie: How do you know about that?
Megan: We heard. And we're here for you. Call me.
Carrie: Look. There are no problems here, OK? We happen to be very happy.
Arthur: You don't have to defend yourselves to them.
Carrie: Dad?
Arthur: I'm down here! How dare you hypocrits judge these young kids! So they lead completely separate lives! So they sleep like young boys at summer camp! That's none of your business! You're all nothing but a bunch of dirty gossips led by your queen mother, Lou Ferrigno!

Carrie is at her movie. She jumps on the person next to her, and has to apologize when she remembers it's not Doug. Doug is in line at Eddie's U-Fry, and is surrounded by couples standing close to each other. Later that night, Doug and Carrie are upstairs in their bedroom.

Doug: You still awake?
Carrie: Yeah. You?
Doug: Well, I just asked you, so yeah. I never asked you, how was your movie tonight?
Carrie: Oh, it was great. You would have hated it. You would have been making your stupid jokes and adding your sound effects to the quiet moments. You would have totally annoyed me. But you know what? I missed you there.
Doug: You know. I felt the same way when I went to Eddie's U-Fry.
Carrie: You went back there?
Doug: Yeah, I'm on their Frequent Fryer Program. Point is, it was, it was Ladies' Night, and there were all these couples, and romance was in the air, and I was just sitting there alone. I looked down at my basket of deep fried pound cake. I thought man, something is missing.
Carrie: Some kind of syrup?
Doug: No. You.

Carrie gets up out of her bed and goes over to Doug's bed.

Carrie: This is nice.
Doug: Yeah.
Carrie: Hey. Crazy idea. Would you be interested in taking our vacation together?
Doug: You know, I'd, I'd like that. We're going to the Football Hall of Fame!

Doug and Carrie are putting their new bed in their room.

Doug: There we go.
Carrie: Perfect. What did you do with the twin beds?

In the basement...

Mickey: Great sleepover, Artie.

Lou is taking his trash out, and peeks in the basement window.